Tight friend is very sneaky!

[toomuch37]

I have a friend who’s very tight. It’s all the classics; disappears for her round, “forgets” her wallet and never pays you back, never chips in for group things but happily participates, etc. etc. She has no problem spending money on herself, so it’s not a money problem or a lifestyle, she’s only mean with others.

Having thought about it a lot, I want to continue the friendship - we have great conversations and lots in common, she’s very empathetic and supportive, and I like having her around. I’ve accepted the tightness. However, I obviously don’t want things to continue like this.

The problem is that she’s a seasoned pro at not paying her part. First, she keeps the amounts small enough (£5-10) that I feel silly asking for it back when we meet up again a few weeks down the line.

Second, in our friend group we always take turns or do rounds - it’s a really nice dynamic and it always evens out with the others. However, it also means this friend can get in a lot more freebies. No one’s going to say “this is my round, except you Lucy, you have to get your own.” I don’t really want to change the wider group dynamic because of one person, though.

Finally, she’s very sneaky. If we’re at a pub, she’ll volunteer to grab a table while we get drinks. If there’s a card machine going round after dinner, she grabs it first (and there is inevitably a balance left by the time it gets to the last person). If she knows she owes me a drink, she’ll run to the bar and get one for herself before I can say “hey, I think I got these last time, do you mind getting this round?” Obviously doesn’t work every time, but more than you’d think.

So, how do I get ahead of the sneakiness? I’m not a pushover and there have been occasions where I’ve straight up said, “actually, I think Lucy owes xxx” - but she seems expert at avoiding these situations in the first place…

If I had a mate who was financially struggling and didn’t have much to spend on any type of social life I would happily chip in. I have a really great group of friends and we have all done this for each other.
This woman is not a great friend to you she is also putting you in an awkward position in this group, which is clearly a lovely one that should be cherished.
All that ‘low self esteem’ stuff due to her relationship situation doesn’t wash. If she can afford to pay for herself, she pays. Other people shouldn’t have to spend their hard earned cash when she could pay her way.
She needs telling. I know it’s not easy but she finds it quite easy to treat you very poorly by taking advantage of your good nature.
When men behave like this and it’s on a thread it’s generally agreed it should not continue.
Do your own self esteem a favour and either tell her or don’t invite her. You aren’t short of good friends.
You are clearly a kind and considerate person.

Discuss with the group and for the foreseeable all pay seperate. I get it's not the vibe, but she will soon learn. Its taking advantage financially, I would never EVER do this to people, forget if they are a friend or not. It's really bad. And selfish.

Or speak to her and say, we can see you struggle with the cost of big rounds, so you buy your own drinks so that you don't feel obliged to buy for anyone and you can budget properly.

Exactly this. It’s not even rude to say. If I had friends who are clearly only buying their own drinks, it’s okay to say “xx isn’t doing rounds, she’ll buy for herself”. Your friend surely would not have an issue with that.

I’d let the ‘splitting the bill for a meal’ go personally. I know plenty of people who only want to pay for what they have. However, accepting drinks from everyone and not doing the same back isn’t okay.

I feel you OP as I have a similar friend.

We all meet at her house to go out. She will say she's ordered and paid for the taxi and that she therefore doesn't need to pay for her shere of the return trip as she paid for the whole outbound trip. Fair enough. But, the taxi there is cheap as pick up from 1 address and early eve. The taxi home is multiple drop offs after 11pm, which costs a lot more. None of the others in the group seem to pick up on this, except me.

She will ask me to pick up small things eg milk etc on way to hers. But never gives me the money because she would do the same for me and not ask me for the money. It's only £1.50 - £2ish a time but this adds up over time. I wouldn't ask for £1.50 etc but it's probably collectively now at least £15. I have never asked her to get me things from the shop. Simply because I don't ask favours from anyone. I know for a fact this friend is very much "a favour for a favour". I have heard her inadvertently say this.

She borrows things but never gives them back.

She owes me from a recent day out. It's about £15 but she has conveniently forgotten about it. I wouldn't ask her for the money as it would feel awkward for me. She buys me lots of random small gifts and I wonder, in her mind, do these gifts mean that she thinks she doesn't always have to pay me for the small amounts here and there ?

Friends don't act like this

We had/have a similar situation. We're very generous by nature and easy to take advantage of, I suppose, and one friend was really pushing it. Eventually, after he'd stayed with us for several days, shown up empty handed, eaten the dinner I'd made every night (and second and third helpings) drank our wine (and bought beer only for himself) avoided using his car at all, and then reacted very angrily and gone into a strop when I suggested he might like to cover the cost of a cheap cafe breakfast for everyone (less than £20 for all of us), I sat him down and told him it wasn't on and we were feeling used. It was really awkward and embarrassing.

However, it has helped and it's stopped it from being the elephant in the room. Now, when we see him, we just say in advance, "Bring a bottle of wine," or whatever, and he knows we're on to him and he won't get away with pretending not to hear or "forgetting." We won't make him generous, but we won't be taken for mugs.

He's loaded btw- as these sorts tend to be!

She is a friend? Time she was not.

This is one reason why I’m happier to have 4 people (including me) in a group as less chance of payment missing (one is an auditor so is adept with figures).

Before this there was a larger group where one person split things down to the last penny and another friend starting something to me about this friend (the friend was another one I mostly went on other nights out with other friends. It got so tiring though as we all worked and even when one friend had a baby but broke up from the partner but still came out with us, we’d cover if we needed to, as friends do.

No amount of good conversation should be worth a person repeatedly taking the absolute piss. She doing it because you all let her.

You need to talk to people beforehand. Sorry, but you do. I had a colleague like this. The rest of us compared notes before going out with her in the end.

Who needs enemies with 'friends' like that?

Get a glass, all put £30 in it. If the round is the same each time, keep the receipt in it also, use it to order each time.
Top up as necessary

Why would everyone be queuing up behind one another and leaving the table empty?

In groups where everyone orders their own drinks, people start and finish drinks at different times.... obviously.

Drinking "rounds" is not something I'd want to do; it results in pressure to drink at the pace of the faster drinkers, and is unfair to those who don't want to drink as much or have less money.

I've read all your comments, thank you for the useful advice - I'll definitely re-introduce splitwise, and hopefully think on my feet the next time I see it coming.

A few posters with similar stories said it took them a while to notice their friend doing this - it was exactly the same for me. It's subtle enough that I didn't even notice it was happening for a long time - and by that point, a pattern had already been established and she knew she could get away with it.

It's also subtle enough that calling it out seems petty at that moment in time. However, as another poster said, this is not a "normal" situation and normal rules don't apply - I will just have to get over sounding petty/awkward and speak up.

@DidILeaveTheGasOn It seems to be a sort of childlike selfishness - wow, this is spot on. What you say about your friends seeing you as a "proper adult" also rings true; we definitely have that dynamic going on. Did you fix this, or did your friends just "grow up" at some point?

@Lupina12 I have also wondered if she's even aware, or if it's a mental block and/or if she just can't help herself.

Lots of posters saying they wouldn't be friends with this woman, or that I need to either suck it up or end the friendship - which is fair enough. The main reason I posted is because I'm starting to feel more and more resentment towards her, and I know that if the resentment continues to build, the friendship will be over. But because I really like her, I don't want it to be over and I don't want to be resentful - so am trying to see how I can get ahead of this issue.

This is an interesting take. My SIL is like this…always ordered the most expensive item on the menu, then sat there when the bill arrived. Like she was a child because she was single and the other siblings were married with children. Very much took on the role of a child. Even now that she’s married and has her own children, she still expects to be invited for Christmas, etc, but never hosts herself. We’ve been invited around twice—the last time was over five years ago.

@TakeMeDancing so interesting. I do wonder if this is part of it - never thought about it that way, but it would line up with other aspects of the friendship and our lives more generally. Was your SIL also proactively sneaky about not paying, or just avoiding the bill when it came?

Not sneaky, just avoiding it—sitting there and not reacting…the same as how our children did. I think it made the other siblings feel awkward, so they just always paid it, and because she’s not my sibling, I didn’t feel it was my place to say anything. One time she had to pay (I don’t remember the circumstances), and she tattled to her parents. The next time DH spoke with them, FIL confronted DH and said, “What…like you can’t buy your sister a lunch?” As if she was a hopeless person without a job or something. All very strange. But not my place to insert myself into the family dynamic.

@toomuch37 Unfortunately once I saw it, I saw the behaviour everywhere in our friendship:
Expecting me to be some sort of Events Co-ordinator for days out or weekend trips - they were so enthusiastic that I didn't notice it was on me to plan things and work out logistics for a long time.
Assuming that I'd drive or drop them off at a train station 30 minutes away without asking. The blanket assumption made me feel like I was their mum at times.

I never worked out a way to address it and had to end the friendship :(. I did try to raise it and my friend got hurt and angry. I wish I'd been able to sit them down and talk about it more evenly.

I have a friend similar to that. The first night we went out as a group and she asked me to the side could I buy her a drink because she had no card with her and her banking app wouldn't work on her phone. We went to the bar where I ordered 2 drinks for myself which totalled 9£, she ordered herself a 25£ cocktail jug! I near died but she said she'd pay me back the next day which never happened. We went out again few months later and she pulled the same thing with me, no card and issues with banking app. I told her I only had a 40£ budget for drinks and I couldn't afford to buy her any.
Low and behold suddenly her app did work and she was able to buy her own drinks, but never offered to buy me one considering she still owed me 25 quid for a cocktail 🥴

I used to have a friend like this, he had all the gadgets going and spent his dole on what he wanted but I was forever paying for things, in the end I just stopped if I went somewhere with him I would just by my own and leave him without. You need to just leave her out she is taking the piss

This would kill the friendship. Before throwing in the towel would have a face to face convo about it. Be an adult and confront it head on. Her reaction will show you what kinda person and friend she really is.

Had a mate like this, never had change for the taxi (few of us) so my friend started carrying a bag of change around with her on our nights out 😂we ended up falling out because I broke my hand & couldn’t drive her to another town to meet this chap, she went nuts when I said I couldn’t drive. I ended the friendship. I can’t stand nippy arsed people.

Do not feel embarrassed to ask for £5/£10/£15! Why should you?

You should try the Splitwise app. It works like a kitty and everyone squares up at the end of the evening, or the week if you’re away on vacation together. Just used it on a trip with 5 other women and it worked out perfectly - she will not be able to duck it.

Ah I've a friend like this. She has alot more money in savings than I do. Say if one of us books an afternoon tea that needs paid in advance/dinner bill that can't be split. She will never transfer her share to me. Everyone else does. So then I end up paying her dinner/take away/afternoon tea etc.
We are somewhat comfortable so can afford it but it is really starting to irritate me.