Tight friend is very sneaky!

[toomuch37]

I have a friend who’s very tight. It’s all the classics; disappears for her round, “forgets” her wallet and never pays you back, never chips in for group things but happily participates, etc. etc. She has no problem spending money on herself, so it’s not a money problem or a lifestyle, she’s only mean with others.

Having thought about it a lot, I want to continue the friendship - we have great conversations and lots in common, she’s very empathetic and supportive, and I like having her around. I’ve accepted the tightness. However, I obviously don’t want things to continue like this.

The problem is that she’s a seasoned pro at not paying her part. First, she keeps the amounts small enough (£5-10) that I feel silly asking for it back when we meet up again a few weeks down the line.

Second, in our friend group we always take turns or do rounds - it’s a really nice dynamic and it always evens out with the others. However, it also means this friend can get in a lot more freebies. No one’s going to say “this is my round, except you Lucy, you have to get your own.” I don’t really want to change the wider group dynamic because of one person, though.

Finally, she’s very sneaky. If we’re at a pub, she’ll volunteer to grab a table while we get drinks. If there’s a card machine going round after dinner, she grabs it first (and there is inevitably a balance left by the time it gets to the last person). If she knows she owes me a drink, she’ll run to the bar and get one for herself before I can say “hey, I think I got these last time, do you mind getting this round?” Obviously doesn’t work every time, but more than you’d think.

So, how do I get ahead of the sneakiness? I’m not a pushover and there have been occasions where I’ve straight up said, “actually, I think Lucy owes xxx” - but she seems expert at avoiding these situations in the first place…

Bit you are being a pushover if she owes you money and because it's only £10 etc you never ask for it back.

I do that sometimes, but it's not because I don't want to pay, it's because I physically can't drink as much as the others, if it's my round, it's my round whether I need a drink or not. I definitely pay may way though.

Op you make rude comments about this friend who apparently you want to keep around. Assuming the story is real there's no friendship here. One of you is using the other as free food drinks and the other is bad mouthing the other on mumsnet.

She should be paying for her own meals and drinks separately from the group, to prevent other people being ripped off by her selfish behaviour which is shocking, shameful and shit.

I wonder if you are describing an ex friend of mine.

As the friendship was in on its way out, I started noticing she had a very sneaky way of not paying for things. We went for a weekend break in London at least twice and when I got home I realised she hadn't paid for any food or drink whilst she was there! She'd always wait for someone else to order, or say that she was tired and needed to sit down when we first got to a cafe.

Most people who are decent make sure this doesn't happen. I'm a single parent and yet I ALWAYS make sure I pay my way. I don't want people feeling sorry for me.

Very good friends don't behave like this. I wonder if there is anything else that she does that is a bit selfish? Is this really the only thing? If you dig a little deeper... you might find that she has other undesirable flaws.

It's not the reason the friendship with my friend ended, but it was another symptom of her selfishness, and part of a pattern of other things.

I have a spending problem. To the outside it might look like I’m fine and splashing the cash but there’s certain times where I’m scared my card will bounce or I have no cash. To me I still won’t scrounge off my friends (I’d rather not go out) but maybe she has a similar situation and wants to keep up appearances. So she will accept a drink and then panics about affording a round.

She is still wayyy out of order and I think you need to just suck it up and talk to others in the group / Lucy about it before someone blows up and it’s a huge drama.

frstoff stop ddoing rounds talk to the others its not benefitting you at all

you nee to ask for even a fiver bak before getting anymore ddrink ir food its not petty its your money

We have a friend like this in our friendship group. Ironically, she earns the most out of all of us. It's taken us a few years to really notice to be honest, because she's very clever about it. A friend paid for train tickets for us all as she had a Railcard so we immediately transferred the money to her on the train - this friend 'can't get into my banking app right now'. Always buys the first round before everyone has arrived, all similar things described in the OP. We've all got wise to it now and one of the other of us will just suggest getting our own tickets etc which is fine for trains etc., but I'm still waiting for money for when we went to a concert 3 months ago (over £100), so there's no way that I'll do that again. I know I'll get the money eventually, but that's not really the point.

I had a friend like that, and it turned out they were a sociopath?! They were also ASD but I don't think that's anything to do with it.
I ended up having to terminate the friendship as everything they did seemed calculated towards getting freebies on the sly. Like how stupid do you think we are?
I'd say, no, it's Lucy's round. If she claimed she couldn't afford a whole round then I'd switch to just paying for your own. A bit awkward at first, and everyone in the group would have to stand firm. But it's simply not on.
She can pay her own way or not come out. Same as everyone else. Why she thinks the rules don't apply to her does indicate some sort of social disorder?
If she's got money it's just trying to con people for no reason?!

Not a friend, but a freeloader. Also, yes to splitwise!

what? yes of course people 'actually do that' 🙄
In pretty much every single group I go out with (friends, colleagues, extended families) we all just buy our own drinks.
I find rounds a complete pain
It's never the exact same group of people, so it's impossible to remember if the last time Tom came out you got him a drink or he owes you one, so CF like OPs friend can get away with things.
Most people wouldn't have 6 drinks so several people won't end up buying anything and, again, unless you meet up often who can remember for next time?
There's a cost discrepancy between the person on cocktails/double g&ts and those drinking pints
There's always at least one or two people driving so they aren't going to drink 6 pints of coke.
Some people feel pressured to drink more/faster than they'd like
People who can't afford rounds feel pressured to pay to fit in and not look tight.
You can't carry 6 drinks back to the table easily so have to make multiple trips, leaving the others unattended at the bar in the meantime.
Everyone drinks at different speeds, so either someone is hanging around waiting for everyone to finish to get another drink or having to down theirs/end up with several pints in a queue at the end of the night when everyone else wants to go home.
Just a complete faff.

In all the time I've gone out it's never worked out with 6 (or more) of us queuing one behind the other! People don't all arrive at exactly the same time, so people get their first drinks as they turn up. Usually there are at least some couples, or friends who get 'mini-rounds' (i.e. just between 2 of them) so one sits at the table and waits for others while the other queues. Then throughout the course of the evening people get up as and when they want a new drink, which, again, because people drink different amounts and at different speeds, just happens naturally and organically, with no more than one or two people at the bar at any one time, and everyone else staying at the table.

Everyone pays for their own drinks, doesn't overpay or owe anyone else money, and drinks as much as they want to drink, and can leave when they want. Ideal!

There was a friend of a friend in our group who never bought a round. Got wise to it so I just excluded him when I bought rounds. He didn't notice for a while but then started whining - told him to buy for others then! Didn't see him much after that ...

All those issues are easily solved in my friendship group. People are aware when they're drinking expensive drinks and will buy some food or an extra round, when someone goes to the bar for a large round, someone will say I'll come and give you a hand, driver never pays for anything, faster drinkers know they drink more so will by extra if they want a drink when others don't.

As one friend says, over a lifetime, I'll have been bought as many drinks as I've paid for, even if it's not all the same people, but if we have someone in the group who's reticent they would absolutely be picked up on it, by the group.

Most of all we talk to our friends, rather than fester over any of it.

If you genuinely want to keep being friends with someone like this, you need to just start calling it out every single time. Once you do, others will likely follow. I would feel absolutely no shame in it.

This level of sneakiness and selfishness will one day permeate into another area of your friendships. Tight, mean people with a propensity to serve themselves, are above any notions of fairness or any concept of other people working hard for their money, and have a sense if entitlement which means that their resources are more valuable than yours. It's a form of stealing and she will con you in some other way down the line. Go carefully, OP.

You're a better person than me. I couldn't tolerate such meanness in a friend.

A kitty is your friend. And for dinner, fixed price carvery or eat as much as you like type restaurants are good.

This ⬆️
she is using you and you’re letting her!
stop ..

Men deal with this sort of thing so much better.

DH has a friend like this - always an excuse to miss a round. The guys let him away with it for a while but soon got tired of it. If he tries 'popping out to the ATM or whatever someone will say "Oi, you tight bastard, it's your round." No worrying about his insecurities or self esteem 😆

She’s not a CF, or tight, she’s a thief.

She steals from you and your other friends every time she does this, little by little.

Ducking out on bills, paying less than she owes and leaving you to pay her share - it’s all blatant stealing from you, can’t you see that?

I’m another one that can’t understand how her other qualities are apparently some redeeming that you’re happy to continue a friendship with someone who routinely takes from you in this way. But if you want to then you have no choice but to either suck it up and let her carry on or raise it with her and risk a drama. She won’t respond to subtle hints - she doesn’t care or respect you enough for that to take effect.

yes but that's assuming just one, close friendship group who meet up fairly often and are comfortable discussing potentially awkward issues with each other.
I absolutely agree that I have various close friends who I don't calculate things with because it all works out over time, and even if it didn't I wouldn't begrudge them.

Not so easy when you have various different, more fluid groups, or one of the people who never puts their hand in is your boss which makes it hard to 'talk' about it if an issue comes up.

But more to the point, why the need to 'solve' issues if you can just avoid them ever occurring in the first place? Buying rounds isn't intrinsically easier or more friendly or 'nicer' than everyone just paying for themselves.

If it works out for a particular group and they are all happy with it, then great, crack on. But chances are in most groups there's at least one person it doesn't really work for, so why make it the default when it doesn't need to be?

We had a friend like this in our group, she always ordered barcardi and coke when it was someone's else's round and only coke when it was hers. We got wise to her always being the last in the pub, in the loo or just chatting to someone she knew when it was her round. I watched one of my friends march into the pub, get her purse out ask everyone what they were drinking (of course bacardi and coke girl ordered that) then the friend said 'x it's your round, I got the last'.

Another vote for splitwise app

We use revolut when we go out with friends and the person who pays the bill splits it between everyone, its pre-agreed who is on revolut and who is on their own bill. We know before we go out or at the start of the night who is on revolut and who isnt. We have also earned money by inviting others to use the app I got £120 from friends before we all went on holiday together. works a treat!

If you go out for a meal I’d really recommend going somewhere with a set menu and making it clear that at the end everyone pays for their individual drinks on top of the set menu price. I cannot stand people like this so well done for wanting to continue the friendship!!!