Tight friend is very sneaky!

[toomuch37]

I have a friend who’s very tight. It’s all the classics; disappears for her round, “forgets” her wallet and never pays you back, never chips in for group things but happily participates, etc. etc. She has no problem spending money on herself, so it’s not a money problem or a lifestyle, she’s only mean with others.

Having thought about it a lot, I want to continue the friendship - we have great conversations and lots in common, she’s very empathetic and supportive, and I like having her around. I’ve accepted the tightness. However, I obviously don’t want things to continue like this.

The problem is that she’s a seasoned pro at not paying her part. First, she keeps the amounts small enough (£5-10) that I feel silly asking for it back when we meet up again a few weeks down the line.

Second, in our friend group we always take turns or do rounds - it’s a really nice dynamic and it always evens out with the others. However, it also means this friend can get in a lot more freebies. No one’s going to say “this is my round, except you Lucy, you have to get your own.” I don’t really want to change the wider group dynamic because of one person, though.

Finally, she’s very sneaky. If we’re at a pub, she’ll volunteer to grab a table while we get drinks. If there’s a card machine going round after dinner, she grabs it first (and there is inevitably a balance left by the time it gets to the last person). If she knows she owes me a drink, she’ll run to the bar and get one for herself before I can say “hey, I think I got these last time, do you mind getting this round?” Obviously doesn’t work every time, but more than you’d think.

So, how do I get ahead of the sneakiness? I’m not a pushover and there have been occasions where I’ve straight up said, “actually, I think Lucy owes xxx” - but she seems expert at avoiding these situations in the first place…

Just all pay for your own stuff... its really not hard.

First, she keeps the amounts small enough (£5-10) that I feel silly asking for it back when we meet up again a few weeks down the line.

Knowing that she is skilled , I'd suggest that the obvious answer is that you can't j till she pays you back from last time.

But I honestly don't find this kind of thing at all attractive so I would just manage without her company. Or arrange a stand off, get everyone in on the idea that the next round is hers and don't buy anything til she has bought a round. We had to do this at a club once, the guy never showed up again. He was only part of our club because he got free drinks.

Not the kind of person I need in my life.

This is very true. But also its now more the done thing to ask the waiting staff to do separate bills, so everyone pays their own way.

You say she is a friend, which in turn means you are her friend. Would you treat this friend or any of your other friends this way? No. So she isn't a friend, if anything she is a thief because she is habitually taking money from you and your friends in one form or another.
People like this always rely on decent folk feeling awkward and rude and this let's them get away with it, when they are the ones being rude and making awkward!!

Regarding drinks, could she just be nervous about ordering a round. I don’t mind ordering one or two drinks, but hate ordering large rounds (due to getting it wrong, not the cost).

However, she goes found like she’s got the penny pinching to an artform though.

"she keeps the amounts small enough (£5-10) that I feel silly asking for it back when we meet up again a few weeks down the line" - this is what needs to change. Yes normally most people would let things like this go - NORMALLY. But the way she behaves is not normal. Don't wait until you see her again. Send a text straight away - "would you mind transferring me the £8.50 from last night, my bank details are xyz." Send a reminder every couple of days until she pays. If she's cheeky enough to respond that it's only a fiver or whatever, say "yes but all these amounts add up to a lot over time, could you transfer it please".

When you're out in a group and she says she'll go and get the table, say "don't worry Sarah I'll get the table as it's definitely your turn to get the first round". When the bill for the meal comes, before she gets the chance to grab the card machine, say "before anyone pays, let's make sure we split the bill fairly and work out what everyone owes as that often doesn't happen and people end up paying more than their share".

Seriously, you need to be brave, start speaking up and not letting it go. It's definitely possible to do this politely but firmly.

Just asked DH as he has exactly that sort of person in their weekly sport group.
They meet after for coffee. This person never ever buys a round , or banks on after everybody had 3 coffees that by the time it is his round , they don't want a 4th.
Has been "teased" about it but laughs it off.
All successful,older,high earners.
Mad.
They just put up with it as they feel it's beyond their maturity to stress over this pettiness and behaviour which is unchangeable and deeply ingrained.
Meals out get managed by dividing up the bill and telling everybody equal amount inc tip.
Going out to pub :
Tab behind bar, then divided evenly, none of this getting a table to get out.
If she leaves early to avoid settling, put amount owed on group chat.
Or tell her to pay for her own stuff.
Name and shame into paying is only way to manage, they have zero care about others financial management or generosity/goodwill.
We have people like this at work, their meanness can affect customers big time financially.
Personally find tight people the biggest turn off and have none as friends, it's the biggest character trait opposed to mine that is unacceptable.

Literally that person has to get their bad behaviour "managed".
In your case no lending of any amount.
Be firm.
They don't care at all how you or the group "suffers" financially for their benefit.
Same goes for people who are always late or cancel at late notice.'
They don't value you and blame whatever it is on anything but themselves ( e.g upbringing ) without trying to improve.

Another vote for Splitwise. I use it for trips, days out etc.

I only have to tweak it if cf Bil tries to pull a fast one such as ordering a lobster for himself and the rest of us are having a cheese sandwich I will factor that in, and he knows it! And yes I am that person who will work out his service charge percentage

You call her out.

Im not driving as you are more confident than me - actually Jane you are a good driver and given I have driven the last 100 times - moving forward it’s your turn.

if she asks for petrol money - No Janet - I have covered the costs for the last 5 years - your turn now etc

she offers to get the table - nope - we need to get drinks in and it’s your round

relative wants to wait outside - no we are sorting the bill you can’t wait outside

Some people are so tight. They live amongst all of us.

I knew a school mum friend who was always playing hard up like your friend OP. She never bought a drink (she was on the loo, leaving early, didn’t have her purse. When out with the DC she never bought an ice cream or sweets as she didn’t have her purse with her and almost begged us all for used clothes and trainer handouts for her shorter DC (then she would shamelessly take any excess to cash for clothes place). Next thing they were going on extremely expensive holidays abroad regularly and one day I heard her DC mocking mine for going somewhere in the UK one half term (that was it).

I also have a sibling who I knew only earned minimum wage (I forgot they live with my parents, have no social life or interests, always have a new car and they also get disability benefits plus other benefits).

I always excused their really stingy presents to my DC (£10 in a really cheap card) their niece, nephew, godson and goddaughter explaining when the DC got a bit older that it was a lot for X relative as they didn’t earn much and it meant a lot as they don’t earn very much working at Y etc.

I recently found out they have a stupid amount of savings in the bank yet they are always tight and still playing hard up etc.

Welcome to Sweden ... ;) Normal here.

Is she insecure or is it part of an act?

You are not giving her anything to feel shitty about. She should already be feeling shitty about how she is sponging off her friends time and again.

If you don't have a Revolut or Venmo account, consider setting one up, or consider getting her to set you up as a payee on her bank account. Then if she owes you £5 or £10 on a night out, she can transfer to your account really easily. You don't need to have a lot of money in these accounts but she would have to have some money to allow the transaction go through.

You really do need to pull her up on it and not allow whatever her current circumstances are sway you as this has been a long time coming.

Perhaps stop inviting her out for a while and if she asks (and she will) you say to her that you're unable to sub her social life any more and if she wants to go out with you, she pays her way and gets rounds in when it's her turn etc.

With regards to drinks, start a kitty. You can then ask her if she's in or out from the beginning.

Calculate everyone's amount when the bill comes tell her it's X amount

She's relying on you not confronting her but if you directly address things to her a few times she should either come into line or not participate

Prepare for her to make you look like the mean one.

Or go to a place where there are qr codes for ordering your own food and drink

In my world, someone would just take the mickey. A few pointed jokes will sort it.

I find that people who are really mean and avoid paying their way don’t respond well to being challenged. They won’t suddenly start feeling mortified and offering everyone a drink. They are put out at being tackled and would probably drop out of social events rather than just pay their way. It must be a weird mindset.

And if I've ever forgotten to pay a friend, they'd text me directly to remind me!

Bloody hell, all these ideas/methods of making her pay up-just speak to her and TELL her to pay for a round/her share etc. My DH has a similar friend in the group and they just took the piss/marched him to the cash point when he said he’d forgotten to get out money.

I wouldn't put up with this. Just don't invite her. If she asks why she wasn't invited tell her why. Brutal I know but sometimes the only way to deal with a CF.

That's a pretty lame excuse not to buy a round of drinks!

It's simple enough to (a) take pen and paper to write down the orders, (b) ask a friend to help bring them to the table or (c) ask someone else to place the order and bring drinks over, but you pay for them

I have a friend who hates going to the bar. She gives someone else her card.

Yes, that's another good solution

And there's the problem, you're making excuses for her , relationship problems etc
She knows what she's doing.
All those fivers ,tenners, drinks,meals over a year and up . she's blatantly taking money out of your purse personally I think that ain't no friend .

Add up not and.

I used to be friends with someone who would say let’s go halves:
‘I’ll get the rice and you get the mains’
or
I’ll get the water and you get the wine…

Not a chance😂

She also ate coleslaw with everything and talked with her mouth open.
🤢