Would you find this rude/be hurt by this? (Halloween party)

[itsahalloweenone]

A halloween party with over 20 people invited.

Couple are hosting it but they didn't invite the man's parents who live less than an hour drive away but invited his brothers and cousins as well as friends.

The reason given is that the couple want to be with people their own age (between 25 and 28 years old). Their parents are relatively young (both just turned 50 years old) and tend to mingle with their son's friends fine.

Would you find this rude? Why or why not? How would you address it on both sides?

Thank you

I am pretty sure they don't. They are religious.

Another who is wondering that they are 'religious' enough for you to bring it up as relevant tot this thread, but yet have chosen to host a Halloween party. Seems unusual. I'd be quite interested to know which religion this is too.

I'd love to hear from the DiL - I can't even imagine the stories 😲

What's the point of the 'done' text ?

Good for you OP - just in time for page 40!

Again let them come to you.

You have to now address the elephant in the room, i.e. your husband.Take time to reflect why the bond seems to be missing and maybe is time to redevelop the coupleship again.

I think that was a very nice text OP. You sound like a really loving mum (perhaps too loving! )

All credit to @alldayeveryday247 , who wrote it!

I was admittedly a little insistent when they first told me

Oh, surely not.

I'm sorry for you OP. Your DH spends a lot of time looking after his mother and you are obviously a bit worried that your DC are making their own lives and may not want you around so much. Try to build a busy life for yourself with friends, work and hobbies. Maybe visit your family more often. When you are less dependent on your sons for a social life it will be easier for all of you.

Ita a Halloween party for hosts age range, therefore why his brothers are invited , it's not birthday or Christmas. Turning up uninvited is ridiculous, the parents should throw their own Halloween party for their own generation . I wouldn't expect to be invited to all my children's parties!

You are correct you are NOT a typical mother in law. You need therapy.

Why can't they have a party without you though ?

Imagine the utter drama if they ever have kids !

OP, I’m sure you are a lovely person who means well. You seem to genuinely love your DS’s and DIL. You seem really close to them. Part of this may be because your husband’s priority is his mom over you. The thing is, it is normal for them to pull away from you and start having closer relationships with peers.

Now that your DS’s are grown and one is married, you need to take a step back from your relationship with them. Don’t assume you are invited or welcomed at their events, unless they actually invite you. Don’t assume they will attend your events just because you’ve invited them. Your married DS must consider his wife’s wants before yours. Help him to be a better husband than yours by encouraging this. Encourage your sons to set boundaries, especially with you.

You posted that you have some great friends. It’s time to put your efforts into your friendships and personal hobbies. I do think you need to find a therapist. I’m not trying to be insulting or unkind. It just seems like you are going through the motions, following the advice on this thread, but you don’t really understand why your thinking is wrong. Therapy can save your relationships with your DS’s and DIL. It can give you the self awareness to not turn into a boundary stomping mom/MIL. It can also help you process your marriage and whether you're willing to stay in it.

I think you need another thread to unpick what is going on in your relationship with your husband and his mother.

All that love and attention and companionship you would normally give to (and receive from) him is going towards your children in an unhealthy manner.

And yes, link your old post about him here. I think it’ll be extremely relevant.

I think you are the parent... Have your own party, and let your children have their own fun (and life).

You posted something very insightful. You said that you had always been invited before and you were wondering why the dynamic had changed.
There is the crux of the issue. Nothing HAD changed. Just some young people wanting a party.
That this has caused you quite so much anguish and to use your own words has resulted in you ‘venting’ on an online forum is concerning to me. To every one of us it’s a non event. To you this clearly rocked your world. So instead of wondering why you weren’t invited maybe think about why something so trivial has caused you so much turmoil.

As I said before it is hard to let kids go. There is a whole other thread about parents of kids who went to Uni talking about grief. This must be compounded by the fact that you have an absent husband. It is very unusual in a religious family to never spend Christmas together. You have obviously been the glue holding your family together in the face of your husband’s rejection. Now with your children becoming independent and maybe DS2 will move out, I can imagine this is causing you to panic about who you are and how you fit into this world.
But this isn’t your children’s problem to bear or to solve.

Think of this as phase 2 of your life where you create something for yourself without your seemingly absent husband and now grown up children. The kids will come back when they do. But your job should be to create a world outside of them.

Too far @itsahalloweenone

You’ve done well though 700+ posts 😂

Omg you know I think you might be right. I reckon 40 pages in and now we can tell the OP is the parent in this scenario.
nice detective work

As others have asked @itsahalloweenone, please post a link to your post regarding your husband spending every weekend and Christmas day with his mother, without you and your sons.

I don't think you are "a horrible person" to feel this is unreasonable. In the same way that you need to accept your sons have a social life that doesn't always include you, your husband should be spending more of his time with his wife and not focusing entirely on his mother.

How have your kids managed to never host a party without inviting you before?

If this is the first "no parents" party I wonder why you thought that an exception would be made for you?

You seem to be incredibly thick skinned.
it is their party, their choice who they invite.
Now leave them alone before you are left out of everything!
I offer advice for your own good.

Are you autistic OP?

Wow! We've gotten to 995 posts before this got trotted out 🙄

I'm glad you sent that text OP. Now it's important to honour your word and try not to overstep again.

Be glad they have great relationships with other people in the family too, especially those their age as they will be an invaluable support network when their parents are no longer around. Take comfort in that and focus on the positives.

When you spiral like you did about this ask yourself - will this feel like a huge deal in a year if i still have lots of other times with them myself? 99% of the time that will help put it in perspective I think.

@itsahalloweenone Are you ashamed of bringing up sons who leave their wives to do all the catering for their parties?

Really nice, well thought out post. I hope the OP listens.

@MeowCatPleaseMeowBack - I think it's likely (hopefully!) that offering to help was a ruse just to get a party invitation