Would you find this rude/be hurt by this? (Halloween party)

[itsahalloweenone]

A halloween party with over 20 people invited.

Couple are hosting it but they didn't invite the man's parents who live less than an hour drive away but invited his brothers and cousins as well as friends.

The reason given is that the couple want to be with people their own age (between 25 and 28 years old). Their parents are relatively young (both just turned 50 years old) and tend to mingle with their son's friends fine.

Would you find this rude? Why or why not? How would you address it on both sides?

Thank you

I wanted them to know that the love was still there and there was no bad blood

This admittedly made me laugh. I called them so they could get peace of mind

Do you have form for attending things you aren't invited to? I can't understand why they wouldn't have peace of mind about their own party already. Why would they be worried about you turning up uninvited if it's not something you've done before?

Your alternative evening sounds lovely - it's just one evening. Relax, enjoy and find a good movie like you say!

But it's worth reflecting on how you built this up so much in your head. It's perfectly reasonable for them to not invite you to everything, even if younger family members are there.

I wanted them to know that the love was still there and there was no bad blood

But how did they even know this was an issue?

Had you previously said to them "I might show up even though I'm not invited because I think it's hurtful you didn't invite me" or similar?

Well done. Wicked Little Letters in on Netflix and is pretty good. You could save that for then.

Why would there be bad blood? You're not going to something you were never invited to. Stop trying to make them feel guilty.

I wanted them to know that the love was still there and there was no bad blood

jesus wept how did you manage to just make this worse?

It takes a lot of skill lol . OP is a master at making things worse .

I wanted them to know that the love was still there and there was no bad blood

Do you normally call people to decline an invite you hadn't received? You meant to guilt trip them pure and simple.

This is manipulative. I have a relative who does this shit. She now gets invited to nothing. No one can be bothered with all the drama that comes with it. She’s lonely, but no one cares anymore.

Peace of mind?

They didn't even know you where planning to crash their party... it wasn't on their mind.

Pretty mental.

Why did you phone them to say you weren't going to something that you weren't invited to? I assume to make them feel guilty along with how much of a martyr you are with trying to find something nice to do.
You're a grown woman act like it, they are not there to entertain you and have their own lives. Think about finding a hobby it will help you and could open so many other things for you to do and enjoy.

It would be unspeakably rude if they did.

The OP seems to be going out of their way to create the bad blood they claim doesn't exist.

Why do they need peace of mind? They had total and utter peace of mind TILL you called them:

• they didn’t invite you.
• they didn’t know you were upset mostly irrationally
• they had no idea that not inviting their 50 year old mother to a Halloween party had caused any ‘bad blood’.
• they had even less idea that you had plans to gatecrash it.

What you have done is manipulative and passive aggressive. They were happily hosting a party. You have now created a drama WITH them where previously the drama was only in your head. You have now conveyed to them through your ‘there is no bad blood and I love you’ that there might have been bad blood. Why will you hold it against your kids and why should your kids feel that you will love them less if they didn’t invite you to a party? By linking your affection to the party invite (which is a link YOU have made), you have now caused bad blood.

Please do listen to people. If you carry on linking your children’s feelings for you to their willingness to socialise with you and further linking this to your affection for them, they will distance themselves one day.

They are very young, they will have families, jobs that will be stressful. In a decade they may have a whole new circle of friends. They may even move many many miles from you. You will not and cannot be the centre of their emotional life. It is better that you accept it now and let it go before they have to take a stand and cut you out for manipulative passive aggressive behaviour.

I’m sorry OP but this is mental 🤯

This is not normal behaviour. Your adult son is throwing a Halloween party in 2 months time. They are inviting their friends in their own age group.

So you phone them to tell them you’re not going (even though you weren’t invited in the first place) and tell them there is no bad blood). What the actual fuck???

What did your son respond with?

Are you normally like this?

You called your son up to tell him you weren't going to a party he hadn't invited you to?

Batshit.

Do you think I should also call them and let them know I won't be going, since I also wasn't invited?

@TheShellBeach

I feel like this woman's DIL needs a support group

🤣

Posters could give the OP the benefit of the doubt here. Possibly she had already dropped hints about wanting to go or, as someone else suggested, has form for turning up in the past, and wanted to backtrack on that by reassuring them that she wouldn't come.

If that's not the case then the no bad blood part does seem a little bit manipulative (secretly hoping for an 'of course you can come', perhaps), but there's no need to assume that's the case. OP is not going to be trying to wangle her way to the party now and that's the main thing (for herself as much as for them as it will lead to a better relationship with her dc long-term).

Even though the thread has moved on somewhat, I'm still curious about the DiL’s parents’ attitude to the party OP. I assume they are not hankering after an invite?

Considering some of the Halloween parties I went to when I was younger I wouldn’t invite my parents to one. It’s not rude to not want parents around when you know some of the behaviour that goes on at that sort of party isn’t exactly parent friendly

How are you still making this worse??

You shouldn't have rung them to tell them you won't be gatecrashing attending a party you aren't invited to, because OF COURSE you aren't going. That was never a possibility.

You shouldn't be telling them "there's no bad blood" because only lunatic would think there was the slightest chance of bad blood.

You definitely shouldn't be telling them "the love is still there" because NOW you've raised the possibility you will withdraw your love if they don't let you hijack their social lives give you what you want.

This is so full of passive aggressive Poor Little Me it's just unhealthy.

OP, you need more in your life. You're too young to dwindle to nothing because your husband and sons aren't free.

No, calling to “put their minds at ease” and assure them she still loves them is still not ok in this situation. If OP has already kicked off about this or has form for showing up uninvited and now realizes she was wrong, then she needed to call and apologize. Not to call and tell them she’s not upset at them.

Why on earth would you tell them you're not going to something you're not invited to

Is this something we need to do now if we get wind of an event we've not been invited to. Tell the host you're not coming

This really is the thread that keeps on giving