Stuck living abroad with shitty H or 1 bed flat in UK

[Whatnowhelp]

Just that. Horrible H, multiple affairs (him), controlling, silent treatment - the lot. OR move back to UK to our 1 bed flat - rented out now - owned outright. Catch - I would be with our 3 DC, ages 11,10 and 7. Advice please. I will be up shit creek financially so moving will be difficult for the first couple of year until I can get a mortgage.

How long have you and the children been living abroad?

I really don't want to add to what you're already going through, but is it possible that the children would be considered settled? What is the law where you live? If relevant, would your husband allow you to move the children back to the UK?

Can you see a lawyer where you live to check the legal position, without him finding out?

As above, you cannot just move the kids unless he agrees to it.
You need legal advice on this.

i'd go home. No way would I love with someone being unfaithful and horrible to me.

Get yourself & your children away from him asap otherwise your kids will replicate or accept what they’re being taught.

You need to check the legal position re DC in your current country

I’d rather live in a bed sit than with a man like that

My H will let them leave. He wants me to leave him, maybe to play the victim or something.
Curry wurst - how did you know what was best for your DC. I also want what's best, but I don't know how to decide this. They are settled here, but I'm not. I've read many time 'happy mum, happy kids'. I can't use my professional qualifications here and I'd only ever get a job not a career. So they'd have a unfulfilled and lower income parent.
H is unstable and could disappear at any moment, can't rely on childcare or money from him.

Me too, but is it unfair on the DC to do so? we have a nice family house here. But it's torrid for me. I hate hate hate it.

I made the mistake of thinking I could last in a toxic situation for the children's sake. I nearly took my own life, spent six months in a psych ward and the children are no longer living with me. Always, always make sure you have enough.

I'd go back and live on the flat until you can sort something better. Would you be able to rent out the flat and afford to rent something bigger once you'd got a job ?
The DC are still young enough to share.

Sorry you experience(d) this. I have thought this could happen to me if I don't leave here.

Nice to hear you made it through. I'm at my lowest ebb and don't think I have the strength.
I don't know how to balance my needs and my children's. I will do whatever is best for them, but not knowing what that is is where I am now.
If I break down it will be the worst outcome for them. I think there is a chance of that happening if I stay here. I have friends and family around my flat but none here. H has systematically isolated me from almost everyone physically, but I am still close with friends at home thanks to my phone.
I guess I'm asking for permission to take three children to an unsuitable housing situation, removing them from their life as they know it, in order to look after myself. I hate myself for this, but I don't know if I can carry on.

If he'll let you leave, you'd be crazy not to take the opportunity. Just imagine if he changes his mind in following years!

If the flat is owned outright that would give you a very nice down-payment on a larger place once you're settled iob-wise.

Thank you. For saying they are young enough to share. Do you really think so? There is only one separate room, so oldest DC in there and then youngest one, different sex, in with me in the kitchen/living/dining area. I hate myself for this, but I know it's the wrong thing to live with this awful man also.

They’ll adjust and it won’t be forever. So many women stay for the “big house”. It always ends in someone compromising

Come back, they will sense how utterly awful it is there.

I’d move home with the kids.

With a 1-bed flat, it’s not forever and things can only get better. With a horrible man, things can only get worse.

As soon as I go for separation he will get overtly nasty, including not letting me take the children out the country. He has already threatened me with this. For this reason I can't separate from him here. Can't even give him a wiff of it. I carry on playing happy families right now.

Ignore my post as I’d read he wanted you to leave then saw update he will stop the children leaving.
can you return home for a holiday/family visit with the children and not go back?

You don't actually know what your financial situation would be.

I would plan to come back to the UK. Tell yourself quietly that you will be back here by Christmas and then begin planning.

Do you and your children hold British passports?

You need Legal advice. You can't permanently move the kids without his permission from their habitual place of residence.

Is your flat actually empty?
If not then its not really an option

Def get legal advice.

I have heard of situations where the woman went back to her country “for a holiday,” made excuses and span things out, and waited for the man to lose interest as the weeks turned into months. This only works in cases where the guy is a shit father and ceases any interest in his kids once he is no longer seeing them day to day….. In other situations, tread carefully.