Stuck living abroad with shitty H or 1 bed flat in UK

[Whatnowhelp]

Just that. Horrible H, multiple affairs (him), controlling, silent treatment - the lot. OR move back to UK to our 1 bed flat - rented out now - owned outright. Catch - I would be with our 3 DC, ages 11,10 and 7. Advice please. I will be up shit creek financially so moving will be difficult for the first couple of year until I can get a mortgage.

Just take the kids and go. Everything else you can work out when you get back.
You take the sofa kids can have the bedroom.
You will manage.
The important thing is you will be away from him.

@Whatnowhelp

Do you live in a part of the country where you live which is relatively close to the British Embassy, OP?

Yes. I can't alert him to anything suspicious though.

You've just expressed in one sentence why it is vitally important that you let them know what is happening.

They would know how to take things forward.

Does he work during the day?

Can you use the rent from the flat to pay rent on somewhere bigger in a cheaper area?

Who owns the flat?

You said he'd let them go/wants you to leave, but also that if you leave he'll turn nasty/not let them leave. Which is it?

The square mile - Yes he works out the house most days.

This is the thing - I think I spend 95% of my energy managing my behaviour around him an analysing his decisions and moods in order to manage the threat level. I'd be capable of so much if I had that time and energy to dedicate to something else. Like my children.

GO

Go as quickly & quietly as you can. You may not think so, but your kids will be happier here, with you, in a 1 bed flat than where you are now.

theyll find things to complain about, but kids do 🤷🏻‍♀️ but they'll be loved, safe & secure.

Get to family/friends as soon as possible & make it an adventure. Then sort out the flat to be vacated & all that DO NOT do it from
where you are.

try to pack the kids most loved possessions

come home & be loved & looked after!

stay safe xx

I'd love to rent a flat. I actually have the money up front, I just can't persuade a landlord to rent to an unemployed single mother of 3 :(

You need legal advice OP. If your current country of residence is signatory to the Hague convention he can forbid you to remove the children from the country which he has already threatened you with. He doesn't sound like he's going to allow you to take the children back to the UK. You need legal advice urgently.

Thank you. It's what I needed right now.

@Hoppinggreen

if course it's an option.

she stays with friends/family until the flat is vacated. Stop putting blocks in her way.

If they are considered settled in the country you live in, their father may very well be able to apply to UK courts to have them returned there.

Would he do that? Can he afford to?

Kids don't need material things.

They need parents who lobe them and are there for them. You are that person.

They won't want you staying for their sake and being too ill to look after them.

Come back.

Unless you are in danger of harm, I would contact the British Embassy one day when he has gone to work and then get in touch with a solicitor who deals in cross-border cases.

I would suggest that you get in touch with the Embassy and then a firm called Freeman's.

https://freemanssolicitors.net/for-you/family-children-and-divorce/

Don't take any action until you have spoken to both the Embassy (as your first call) and then the solicitors.

They probably hate him too, go to the flat and figure it out from there. X

He has no interest in them day-to-day. I think he only had them in order to get the 'wholesome family guy' public image. I suppose he may go for it in order to maintain this. He may realise he would have to actually look after them if successful, which may put him off trying...
OTOH, if we were to live in the UK 3-6 months, they would be considered settled there after that? ...
I don't know how to get legal advice here (without paying). We have a joint bank account so can't pay for any. I could open my own bank account but that would prod the bear.

Don't be daft, I am not putting blocks in her way, I am pointing out that unless the flat is empty its not an option so she should find another one if so.
I know that it can take a long time for a tenanted flat to become empty so a plan B may be required.

Please get legal advice, if you take your children out of the country without his permission he can fight to get them back through The Hague Convention. I live abroad and looked into this many years ago…am still here. It’s no joke.

If he's out of the house a lot can you get yourself to a solicitor / local lawyer for some advice in filing for divorce. Is it possible he would go to the trouble of taking legal action to retrieve the children from the UK or is he likely to not pursue this course of action. If he's unlikely to care that you have taken the kids out of the country then try to quietly plan your escape. Can you start to discreetly gather important documents/ financial information / passports and then whilst he is out of the house pack what you can and get yourselves to the nearest airport and come home.

Sorry if i missed this but explain the flat ownership. Is that only in your name? It is of course a marital asset.

This is complex and you need legal help to sort the logistics. But you should make it your goal to move home.

Do not underestimate how the children may feel, being moved from a life that might seem great to them. That doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. It will be hard for a couple of years - a long time to a child - and they may not thank you for that, but if you can work and settle them in school, they will adjust. And thrive.

I'd leave, definitely. You can find a way to divide the one bedroom flat up to fit you all. I'd probably take the bedroom and make it into a bedsit with a daybed and a TV for you so you can get a little privacy. A blanket box can serve as both a coffee table and additional storage (the daybed will have some storage too). You should also be able to fit in a chest of drawers or a wardrobe.

Then use bunk beds and a daybed to make the living room a bedsit for the DC (assuming all same sex) with another TV and a small table with stools that will stack in a corner or fit under it so they've somewhere to do crafts, homework and eat.

You can scope out the local parks, swimming pool and whatever else is nearby for DC so you're not all stuck in the flat all the time. Anything is better than the atmosphere of an awful marriage.

The British courts will return the children to the country in which they previously lived.

This will not work.

Is there a way to separate informally (“Let’s try having a break from each other for a little bit, you can see the kids as much as you like!”) within the same country that you are currently in?

A friend of mine did this, as a way to test whether the guy was likely to retain interest in his kids once they were separate.

She was as sweet as pie and made it clear she’d ooze cooperation whenever he wanted to see the kids or have a zoom call…. But left it up to him to initiate the contact. Sure enough, his efforts to see and take care of the kids declined steeply. He started to settle into a comfy bachelor life of guys’nights out, porn etc., and before long she heard on the grapevine that he was seeing someone else.

After a year or so of this, she took the kids on a “holiday.” Before long, she “had” to stay a bit longer to help her parents with their garage and their garden, and oh dear, Elsie’s sprained her ankle, the doctor says she should keep it rested for a few weeks…. The guy had already more or less faded out by this point.

Eventually, when she was really sure he had moved on, she moved towards a formal legal separation.

Of course, you also have to think about the grandparents and what they are like. In the case I describe above there were already several grandchildren, so they didn’t kick up a fuss.

The British courts will send the children back to their father. If the OP is unlucky, she will also be charged with international child abduction. This isn’t legal and won’t work.

It's shared. We bought it together equally years ago.