Stuck living abroad with shitty H or 1 bed flat in UK

[Whatnowhelp]

Just that. Horrible H, multiple affairs (him), controlling, silent treatment - the lot. OR move back to UK to our 1 bed flat - rented out now - owned outright. Catch - I would be with our 3 DC, ages 11,10 and 7. Advice please. I will be up shit creek financially so moving will be difficult for the first couple of year until I can get a mortgage.

^^ This

So the key question is timing. If you are in Europe your kids are about to go back to school whereas ideally you'd have tried to find a family rental home, got the husband to cover the costs and started to market the flat asap.

I am a bit hazy on this but your home council web pages will have key dates on when you need to be resident to meet the application dates for the state school applications. While yes, in year transfers can be sorted given the pressure on state schools for places that's likely come January [vat changes] you could easily have a conversation that suggests he will be more likely to have a place with certainty in his/her first choice of school if in situ before Christmas.

Your husband may not be keen to spend his Christmas hols in a 1 bed flat... and house sales can take ages so a temporary rental at a reasonable cost to "suss out the area" might be swung. Ideally the tenancy would be in your name and at a cost that your likely future salary could cover along with bills. That way you can cover your costs while you divorce and await your 50% of the flat sale process.

It might also be useful to check if you need to be resident in the flat as your primary residence for a period so as not to be liable for Capital Gains Tax given you've been overseas for a while. Others will be more expert on this.

What are your children's relationship with their father?
Do they enjoy his company, do they get played off against each other by him?
Does he have much responsibility in their life driving them to clubs etc or is he the typical Disney dad?

Search 'weaponsing step mum'
Lots of mums have left believing that their ex gets bored once they leave but this isn't always the case.

What was the reason you live abroad? If he was in it for the long game prior to moving abroad then you will unlikely see a change once he and you are separated.

It's very hard to trust your gut when you're in the thick of it. Does anyone see things that you have? Not that you need witnesses to validate your situation.

You must do what is best and safest for you.

He was a normal guy when we moved 10 years ago. He was an involved father in the early days, probably doing more than the typical dad, especially the hard bits like night wakings, he was very much a helper. He was a normal guy in 2019. It all changed with covid. We were stuck abroad and he had a personality transplant, I don't recognise him now. He does nothing now unless specifically asked, and then it's only if it fits in with his schedule. We moved abroad as a 'jolly' before DC came along, and just never returned. No specific reason, just both got jobs, flat, friends, clubs etc. We always intended to return but once DC were in nursery we decided to stay.

Could you go along with the move back to the IK, getting him to fund the house you need rather than a flat, and avoid him if he comes back to visit for a while? Once you’ve got a tenancy set up in a bigger property for you and the kids, they are settled and you have work, then start divorce proceedings? I know this is not ideal but it might help you to get established at home and seek legal advice etc

If your flat has tenants in, it may take months to get them out. If they want to, they can drag it on.

I don't think you understand the phrase and are taking it too literally. It's not about failing to consider the DC as separate entities. It's about the fact that a miserable parent who is unable to function effectively in life due to their unhappiness, is not going to be doing the best job of parenting that they could be. It's usually the mother, who is also usually doing majority childcare/raising. When she changes her circumstances, becomes happier and fully functional, she's then better able to fulfill the DC physical and emotional needs, meaning the DC lives are also improved. Hence the phrase "happy mum, happy children".

I just don't know if this is an ethical decision to put on my children though. 90% of the time our life here is good. I am waiting for something always that will kill me. I'm scared.

OP this stress will permeate the air inside your home, the environment surrounding you and your H, the core of your being. So this negativity will be included in all your interactions with DC, the bad vibes will be around your DC always, even when they're not at home they'll be thinking/worrying about home life/going home. They will be picking up on all the negativity subconsciously, even if they're not consciously aware of it. You will all do much better away from the source of the stress, your H.

Op. If you are so unhappy definitely leave
You can make do in a one bedroom flat i have many others have just for peace of mind. Definitely do this. You will find other opportunities.

Definitely move!!

I spent 5 years working with 2 misogynistic men who were senior to me. I and my colleague needed to work around these men for the safety and benefit of clients. Reverse psychology became the game, small steps, going along with them, making them think everything was their idea, never trying to do more than get one step along the road.
Sometimes you have to accept the strategy that will work. Softly softly. Only share the minimum of information needed to get to the next step.
I wish you lots of luck OP.

Wishing you luck, OP. Echo the encouragement to act like a happy wife making plans for a new family life all together in the uk

Thank you all. It means so so much to read all the words of encouragement. I'm really going to try and channel this energy into my everyday life. Calm and focused. I'm going to aim to update this thread in 2 months, when I think we may have moved. Thank you once again.

Would you believe having a mum who is being emotional abused makes for a happy life for the children?…. The overarching statement in itself isn’t true, you’re right. However you’re looking at just the statement opposed to the whole situation in which the statement is being used in.

I suggest you start doing some research into locations and property. Send him an email with a couple of links, maybe once a week, with a cheerful update around whether he thinks this would be a suitable property or a nice location to move to, and if he would like to settle there when he comes to join you etc.
Then you have a trail of communication proving that all plans were discussed and agreed.

Make sure he doesn't find this thread!

OP, consider requesting the thread moved to Off the Beaten Track - it will still exist but won’t come up in active and isn’t googleable

Good idea

Make it sound like he's getting the better end of the deal "I wish I could stay alone in (country) for a while. Instead I'll be roughing it out in grey, wet UK with 3 kids"