What is the best way to ask ‘where are you from?’

[rickyrickygrimes]

Just that really. I’m interested in people, their stories, their histories. but when I meet new people I’m aware that asking them ‘where are you from?’ , especially if they are of a different ethnicity to the ‘host’ population, could be taken as hostile / impolite. Mostly I wait for them to volunteer the information. Sometimes I ask ‘are you from (big city where I live)?’ Or even ‘how did you end up here?’ (I work with a lot of people of different nationalities from all over) which softens the question a bit.

is there a polite way to ask about where people come from?

Agreed.

I ask white (or any colour) British people that because I don't live in the north any more and I love when I hear a northern accent as there are so many different ones that come from within a relatively small area and it makes me think of all the wonderful places I miss and maybe we can discuss areas that we know in common.

It's widely understood to be rude and othering. You can argue that it's not, it's meant out of curiosity, and maybe it is, but it's not always received as such so I avoid it.

Exactly - that's the crux of it really, isn't it?

If you know that something is likely to upset or offend someone, or somebody is already upset or offended by what you said, then it really doesn't matter how you mean it.

You take the feedback on board of the other person's experience, listen, believe what they are saying to you, and adapt your behaviour.

It's clear that a large number of people don't like being asked these questions, so why would any decent person insist on still doing so, when there are so many other ways to spark an interesting conversation?

Don’t you like your accent? I have an accent and I’m happy to ‘own’ it when people are curious.

People who ask “what’s your heritage”. What do you mean by that, how far back do you want to go and why?

@MoveToParis ”Also perhaps reflect on why it upsets you- typically people resent feeling that they will be looked down when you say where they come from, but if you embrace your national pride and actively reject any sense of superiority coming from the other you will soon find it doesn’t bother you half as much.”

National pride would be British for me. But if you want to go back further - why should I be proud? I’d argue that women are still treated very badly there but that isn’t a conversation to have with a stranger who may well be upset and/or offended if I say that. There’s nothing about my ancestors country that makes me want to visit.

re being a DEI plant - I don’t think many people take DEI seriously and many people find it very damaging. I haven’t had to endure it for ages though. Does it get explained that “where are you REALLY from” is problematic? The reason “where are you from” makes me on edge is that it’s usually the first question before “where are you REALLY from”.

I have an accent. It is not a prestigious accent, it is northern, working class, industrial - ugly to most ears. Up here it is the norm so it isn't something I think about. When I lived in the South it was a point of humour for my co-workers. Something for them to point out and imitate. These were middle-class, educated teachers so not really what I was expecting. I found it rude and othering but I never reacted in any other way than to smile and let it go because I am a professional and can decentre. Other people might not be able to do that and it's not up to you to decide that they 'should' have to.

But go on, say "a cup of tea and a nice iced bun" so we can all have a laugh. It's just a joke after all.

This.

I am really interested in learning about people's cultural heritage but I am perfectly capable of setting aside my natural curiosity to accept and respect the fact that some people don't wish to discuss it. And that is entirely their prerogative.

It seems strangely entitled to persist in asking questions that others have said quite clearly that they find intrusive or othering or just plain rude. Just don't!

If people wish to share information about their cultural or ethnic heritage with you, then I'm sure that they will do so. If they choose not to, then respect that choice.

I haven’t told the PP they ‘should’ anything!
I was expressing curiosity because I like my accent, just like I like my hair, my height, my car, and I don’t get upset when people notice aspects of myself that I like.

Fair enough though if you believe that your accent is “ugly to most ears”, I can understand that you wouldn’t want to be reminded about it if that’s the way you feel. Sounds like your colleagues have been bullying you.

You might like to know that I love northern ‘industrial’ accents and can't think of any that I find ugly :-)

@balletflats had a friend from Hull who had the same problem. So rude, these people.

Looked up heritage on Oxford Reference. I got this. "The legacy of people, culture, and environments inherited from the past. In its broadest sense, heritage includes natural and built landscapes, physical artefacts, and cultural forms (e.g. music, literature, art, folklore, monuments), intangible culture (values and traditions, customs and practices, spiritual beliefs, language), and biological traits. Heritage is considered important because it connects people with the past and affirms and reproduces cultural identity"

That's interesting, because in spite of being an Essex girl born and raised, I feel like a Londoner, especially looking at the past, my formative life is all there. I still read the history of it all the time. I suspect most people would find that boring though.

one “research project” poster here admitted to being disappointed when she asked about heritage and found the person was local.

I spend too much time here 😂

I hear you Op, I've travelled a lot and when I meet someone with an accent, or they look like they're from the USA, India, parts of Africa etc I've travelled to, I want to ask! I've had some lovely chats with people chatting about the country they were born in/lived in and that I've loved when I've travelled.

@CuttySarcasm

I'm the same. Love meeting people from countries I've travelled around. And they love it that I've been there.

I haven’t RTFT but as a non-white Brit, born and raised for some years outside the U.K., then privately educated in central London and in two European capital cities (to place accent) and now living in North America: you have no right to this information. Your having no nefarious motivations changes nothing. It’s none of your business.

I might have no nefarious motivations in asking how someone’s leg came to be amputated; how they come to have one white and one black child; why they are walking hand in hand with both a woman and a man - I have no right to any of the “but why?”s, no matter how liberal I may be and respectfully “accepting” of their reply.

Nobody owes you this information. They will give it to you if they want to: it’s theirs to give, yours to be gifted but not demanded. Simply, you don’t ask.

FWIW, like most people like me I imagine, I can instantly tell why someone is really asking me these sorts of questions. Sometimes I’ll feed them garbage answers. Sometimes I’ll answer honestly and openly. Sometimes I’ll ask why they want to know. I’m not the weird one. They are for thinking they need have a right to any knowledge about me.

Will they always find you in the kitchen at parties?

Is this snarky response supposed to imply that I’m not gregarious, or sociable, or outgoing because I won’t submit to giving you irrelevant information that’s none of your business?

@MoveToParis Are you a native English speaker who lives in a different country? In that case you often have a " higher status" than most other people with an accent anyway.

I'm afraid that's not true. A lot of white minority people experience prejudice or bias because of their nationality and accent.

It doesn't matter if I like it or not. It is what it is. But it's upsetting when people take the mickey and refer to the Swedish chef in the Muppet show or tell me that I sound like an IKEA advert. Especially in a group situation when everyone is laughing about it .

This sounds very “white lives matter too”.

I think people are telling you they don’t like to be asked where they come from. You can of course put a lot of energy into “proving” they should like it, but it’s a bit blinkered and frankly rude. There are lots of questions we don’t ask because they aren’t great, “why don’t you have children?”, “Why aren’t you married?”, “Did you breastfeed?”, “Do you have a degree?”, “Do you own your home?”, they could all lead to conversation but are they a great thing to ask?

On the accents bit, I think there’s a difference between asking someone where their accent is from and openly mocking it.

Even then, it depends on how it’s done, who by and I guess the recipients reaction. I have a Yorkshire accent and my colleagues laughed and told me to say a certain word again last week. I have no idea if I’m thick skinned or just lacking emotionally but I found it funny. Besides which two of them are from Bristol and I’ve definitely asked them to say a particular phrase in their accent before now.

You've got it right! 👏👏👏

I think you thinking anyone actually gives a shiny shit and isn't just making conversation quite hilarious to be honest.

I had coffee today with someone from Scotland, two ladies from Ireland, one lady from Kent and we all talked about places we've lived in and things we've done. Nobody screamed 'I WON'T SUBMIT TO THIS HOSTILE QUESTIONING', thankfully.

I think the best approach is to take these conversations slowly and offer information about yourself too. Asking did you grow up here for instance can sound blunt but saying I grew up in xxxx where did you grow up is softer. It's a lot easier to ask heritage questions further into the conversation

I'm on the fence about the accent thing. On the one hand if you hear an accent which isn't local (whether that's eg a British accent which isn't from the area you live in, or an overseas accent) it's natural to ask where the person is from. I wasn't born, and I didn't grow up in, the area I live in now. So it's not unusual for someone to ask me if I grew up locally or when I moved to the area.

However, I have lived overseas and being asked continually where you are from is a bit wearing. When I came back to the UK I did like the fact that my being English/British wasn't my overriding characteristic and I was just like everyone else.

So I can see both sides.

"Where did you grow up" is probably a reasonable way around the whole thing but not the first time you meet someone!

Quite honestly immigrants to Britain do not find this offensive at all, I think they’d find it odd that you thought it might be.

As for anyone born in the UK then this is harder to predict. It’s certainly not the case that it “is” offensive to ask, it very much depends on the individual. The problem you have is that since you don’t know the person you also can’t know if they would mind.

I think you’re really naive if you think that information isnt going to be used by some people in a really negative way. You might not have ever experienced it. But it happens and people have the right to protect themselves.

The environment you describe is the sort of time when I might be sharing information. But the heck would I be police on how much I’m sharing! (Fwiw very few people are aware of all the ins and out of where I’ve lived. They usually know my birth country, that’s it). If you had started to comment that my accent doesn’t match my birth place, you’d be told to get lost. I dont owe you to tell you all of my life.

And finally if you can’t see the difference between people from Kent and scotland and someone coming from Java, Nepal or Roumania/Poland, then I suggest you learn about racism and xenophobia.

Quite honestly SOME immigrants to Britain do not find this offensive at all, I think they’d find it odd that you thought it might be.