What is the best way to ask ‘where are you from?’

[rickyrickygrimes]

Just that really. I’m interested in people, their stories, their histories. but when I meet new people I’m aware that asking them ‘where are you from?’ , especially if they are of a different ethnicity to the ‘host’ population, could be taken as hostile / impolite. Mostly I wait for them to volunteer the information. Sometimes I ask ‘are you from (big city where I live)?’ Or even ‘how did you end up here?’ (I work with a lot of people of different nationalities from all over) which softens the question a bit.

is there a polite way to ask about where people come from?

Some people care about this, some people don't, so probably at least 50 percent of the time, no matter how you phrase it you're going to offend someone. It's up to you to decide whether you care about that or not.

It’s also not a secret is it? Lots of people have an accent, different areas of the UK gave very distinctive accents, mine gets comments all the time because I live in a different area to where I grew up.

If someone asks I just tell them, getting defensive and offended is a complete overreaction imo, it’s just making conversation in that context and showing an interest in someone.

Have you never had a conversation with a stranger and been interested in them as a person?

Can I flip this round and ask how you tell the person who has asked you some version of "where are you really from?" to mind their own business?

Because I haven't yet been able to find a way of doing so without the person who asked getting offended and saying they were only interested and that I don't have to "play the race card".

My "heritage" is quite complicated and I won't fit into any nice stereotypical boxes that you are trying to fit me into. I don't want to explain it to a random person I met 5 minutes ago. If you can't accept "Manchester" as a good enough answer, why is this suddenly my problem?

In the correct context, I have asked people "what is your cultural background?" Not just randomly but when it's come up in conversation. But then in London where we live, almost everyone is an "outsider" as well as being a "Londoner", and I find that question works just as well for people who grew up in rural Cornwall, coastal Kent or the north of Scotland, for example, as for those who may have cultural roots outside the UK. And also for those whose families have lived in London for generations. We all have a heritage and cultural roots somewhere, and we all choose to maintain and discard elements of these as we go through life.

I wouldn't just ask the question out of idle curiosity though, although I guess that's partly because in London no one really sticks out at all. There is such a range of religions, ethnicities, nationalities, accents, languages etc that I can't imagine asking about someone's family/background unless it came up specifically in conversation, e.g. "what are you up to this weekend?", "oh we're celebrating this", "oh that's interesting, what's that about?"

I start by saying “I grew up in XYZ, where are you from?” so that they know I’m not English.
Perhaps if I did not have another country of origin/ nationality I would have to find another conversation starter.
I enjoy the interesting and rewarding conversations with people I meet on public transport or Uber drivers that start this way. Inspirational conversations about how they came to live in London and about their family life, usually.
When people hear my own accent and comment about it negatively I have a few phrases ready. “I’m proud to have grown up in XYZ, have you been there?” works well. Guessing or assuming about where I am from I have gotten used to. I would far rather someone ask. It is almost always English people that make assumptions or have tried to say something derogatory about where I might be from, sadly.

You should obviously be carrying around your 23andMe results so that you can share your complicated genetic heritage with anyone who should ask. The people need to know. 🤣

I think it depends on whether the person is visibly "other" / is likely to have had a lifetime of being asked and possibly the racial abuse or bias that comes with it. I'd have no problem asking a white person in England where their family lives, whether that's an X accent or whatever, but to me asking the same question of someone visibly from an ethnic minority background isn't OK. Even if you're well-meaning.

Sincerely,
Person who passes as white

In fairness though I am incredibly nosey. That's why I do it professionally...so I don't have to satiate my nosiness by offending random people I meet. The more complicated your heritage the more I want to know about it. I just love people's stories.

Can’t you accept that not everyone wants to have a conversation about their accent? I don’t find this a positive thing. My English is not perfect, I know this, no need to mention this. How would you feel if I point out something very personal about you within 2mins of meeting you?

Why is it ok to ask a white person then?

To my mind, a white person in a white majority country with a neutral English name is not going to have experienced prejudice or bias because of their background. It's unlikely to be a thing they have to justify. It's more likely to be a neutral talking point - they reply that they're from Cambridge/Sunderland/Liverpool, their interlocutor replies that that's lovely/they had a lovely holiday in Cambridge/their accent is so beautiful/whatever. There aren't centuries of prejudice to navigate. There isn't a "story" they are now being pressed to share with the other person.

Yes, I speak three languages other than English to business level and have lived and worked in all three countries. Being asked where I was from was par for the course but I was never an immigrant, just a temporary worker so I never felt like I was being challenged about my right to be there. I can see how it might feel different to an immigrant, but I stand by the view that “unusual” is not a veiled slur it’s just a statement of fact. In any event I was not suggesting that the questioner use the word “unusual” when asking. I was just interested in the poster’s emotional reaction to being asked as I have one myself (as a person with an unusual accent for the area of the UK where I live) but it’s more about boredom than offence.
I agree with the poster who says that it can be tedious when people comment first on how you have said something, rather than what you have said.

I do sometimes flip it round and it's really funny to watch how uncomfortable people get.

People ask me: where are you from? Where were your parents born? Where were your grandparents born? And if I ask in return "and where were yours born?" they look so confused, like what an intrusive question?

The reason why so many people find these questions aggressive is that generally if you're not white and people don't get the answer they want - an explanation of why you're not white - they get quite aggressively.

If you can't find a polite way to ask a question, that's usually a good sign your question isn't polite.

Through the medium of dance?

Be careful not to culturally appropriate another culture though, so morris dancing only for you.

@HotCrossBunplease

I can see how it might feel different to an immigrant

Many many non white people in the UK are not immigrants... They were born here. Many are third generation in this country.

That's why being cross questioned about where they are really from for other people's entertainment isn't fun

What are you talking about? I never made any comment about non-white people in Britain. I was talking about foreigners living in the three countries outside the UK where I worked.

In any event a person born in the UK wouldn’t have an unusual accent, would they?

You have the best username ever!!! 😂

I don't have an accent. I was born in the UK. I am not white.

My white immigrant husband does have an accent.

Which of us is asked multiple times a week where we are from?

Oh that'll be me...

But I was only commenting on people being asked about their accents! As that is my own lived experience. I have no views on people being questioned due to the colour of their skin.

Why should anyone tell you anything? It's none of your business about which country they are from! I get really fed up of it sometimes 😠

I'd just ask if they live locally, and if they have a strong accent from elsewhere, ask if they've lived here long. Then if they want to volunteer where they moved from, they can. If they don't, you have to wait and see if the info is volunteered.

My dad used to think showing interest in someone's cultural heritage was respectful, but I saw far too many times, how rude and invasive his questions seemed to people on the receiving end. I know he meant no harm, but at some cloth-eared, insensitive level, he treated people like little research projects.

I'm Scottish living in England and always get asked about my accent every time I meet someone new. They then either tell me about the relatives they have there, their holiday there, or how much they would love to go there. It's just a conversation starter. But I've never been asked 'but where are you really from' which changes the tone of the conversation. I think being asked where you are from is neutral enough that it takes the next question or the response to your question to tell you if it's racist or just small talk. But I had neighbours (from a Commonwealth country) who hated it and it's not something I'd ask routinely, possibly I'd ask someone with a Scottish accent in England 'where in Scotland are you from' but not always.

If someone British asked me a variation of 'Have you always lived here?' I'd look at them like they were stupid and make a comment about how my accent makes clear I'm not local. If someone had a foreign accent I'd just assume they weren't good at distinguishing British accents and answer politely. It makes most sense when you are talking to someone with a similar accent to yourself.

'What's your heritage?' is horrendous, can you imagine a white British person saying that to another white British person, it would never happen and absolutely smacks of othering. Plus DH hates explaining his background (parents from different countries, born in a third, moved to a fourth then fifth as a young child), it's too intrusive a question.

Honestly, it doesn't sound like some of you are actually that interested in people if you're so fixated on ways to ask about their accents and the geography of their upbringings. People are way more interesting than the British pastime of "what ethnic/national box do you tick".

I just ask are you local? That usually get the conversation going?

I turn it back on them when their little brain can’t cope with the answer Nottingham “where are you really from though?” I will ask them at least three times, it usually ends up with them going red as the penny finally drops.