What is the best way to ask ‘where are you from?’

[rickyrickygrimes]

Just that really. I’m interested in people, their stories, their histories. but when I meet new people I’m aware that asking them ‘where are you from?’ , especially if they are of a different ethnicity to the ‘host’ population, could be taken as hostile / impolite. Mostly I wait for them to volunteer the information. Sometimes I ask ‘are you from (big city where I live)?’ Or even ‘how did you end up here?’ (I work with a lot of people of different nationalities from all over) which softens the question a bit.

is there a polite way to ask about where people come from?

Honestly, this thread is a good answer to OP’s original question. When non-indigenous people have had a lifetime of some the most moronic comments/questions/replies that are on this thread (and this is polite and genteel compared to some real life experiences), you can see that “so where are you from originally?” isn’t the innocuous question some people think it is. There’s just no answer to stupid, and unfortunately the human race can only go as fast as the slowest person. People are racist pigs, and they choose that over and over. Their choice 🤷🏻‍♀️

”I'm happy to leave you and your Scottish, Irish and Kentish ladies to swap stories. I reckon you feel threatened in your daily life far more frequently than I do.”
Think you’ve hit the nail on the head. Someone is definitely looking for a fight, but most posters on here aren’t like her, so she stands out like a sore thumb.

@AlisonDonut I was just asking an innocent question 😂

and you have posted some replies.

This. I was early on this thread for saying I don't like being asked this question, (because for me the answer is long and awkward and rakes up things I don't like talking about).

I'm not offended. I know people generally don't usually mean to offend when they ask it.

I don't find it offensive but I find it irritating, boring and awkward.

The one or two pps on this thread, who keep insisting that no one should be offended by the question, don't strike me as being particularly anxious about being irritating, boring or awkward. So I'm sure they don't mind causing that reaction.

The one or two pps on this thread, who keep insisting that no one should be offended by the question, don't strike me as being particularly anxious about being irritating, boring or awkward. So I'm sure they don't mind causing that reaction.

Has anyone said 'noone should be offended by the question' or have they said 'It is a perfectly normal thing to ask'? You can be offended by anything [and it seems, everything] these days. That's your choice to make.

You can choose to say 'I'm from Saturn/a random place/the place you now live in' or anything in between. They aren't demanding a full fact laden potted history with documentation and references, it's just a way of engaging as a human being.

Anyway I am dutifully told off - I shall neither look nor not look at anyone [let alone have a conversation with anyone] that isn't a carbon copy of me ever again. I will only make eye contact and talk to old [but not too old] retired whiteish people with semi-grey ex blonde hair lest I upset or offend or TRIGGER anyone. Of course if I can't look at people I can't work out if they are suitable to be looked at but that's a detail I guess. Maybe just keep my head down and never look at anyone else again.

That's that sorted! What a bunch of geniuses you are. Three cheers for DIVERSITY and INCLUSION. Tick that EDI training course box. Wahoo.

POC…as opposed to a translucent person?!?

Anyhoo my skin is brown if that helps.

However its phrased, I know exactly what the other person wanting to know and I am happy to tell them. I am proud of my heritage so whats the big deal exactly. How is it awkward, rude or racist ffs?!

I also ask people as I am genuinely interested, for example:

“where are your parents or grandparents originally from?”

seems to me unlikely to offend most.

Maybe I get a pass from others as I am brown? I dunno, but anyone who got riled up by such a question is not someone id want to hang out with anyway (looking for fights is draining).
Be proud of where you came from, I am.

Asking someone’s heritage is odd… for a start it assumes they even know their heritage which adopted or those with single parents don’t always know. Ask where they’ve lived or grown up if you want to be nosey, don’t ask someone’s heritage. They’ll offer up a bigger back story if they want to.

There was a brilliant documentary on the BBC a while ago. Young lad, let’s call him Mark as I’ve forgotten the actual name, grew up in North of England, White British Mum and Dad. In his twenties did an ancestry DNA test, came back Portuguese and Angolan. Spoke to his Mum who admitted she’d had a fling with a waiter on holiday then came home and got together very quickly with his “Dad”. She’d just gone into denial and convinced herself that he was her husband’s child. At this point in the documentary Mark’s boyfriend says that as an outsider it was very obvious to him that Mark was mixed race but literally nobody in the family or community had ever dared mention it.

Mark found a woman in Portugal who DNA said was his father’s sister. But she had no idea she had a brother. Turned out Mark’s grandfather was a Portuguese officer posted to Angola who had a child with a local woman, that child was Mark’s Dad, Gilberto. Mark then went to Portugal with his Mum’s mate who had been on the holiday with her, they found the bar and the owner was able to give contact details for Gilberto! He’d been living in London for about 20 years.

Gilberto had never even seen a picture of his own father. He also had no idea Mark existed. Mark met Gilberto and was able to show Gilberto what Gilberto’s Dad looked like, and tell him he had a half sister. Mark was welcomed as a brother by Gilberto’s two sons. Mark and Gilberto visited the grave of their Dad/Grandfather together. Mark’s “Dad” back in Leeds came to terms with it all. His Mum was finally unburdened of her secret and they all lived happily ever after!

My name has connections to a famous song, I have had over 50 years of people making the same joke when introduced to me. I don't find this funny, clever and certainly not original.

I have a visible disability, I have had half a life time of people either asking about how I acquired it, or appearing wanting to ask but feeling uncomfortable in doing so. I think it's natural to be curious about these kinds of things. I also think it's weird to pretend it doesn't exist and be 'something that must not be named'. I used to find questions and comments 'othering'. As I have grown older and more comfortable with my disability, I also feel OK in acknowledging that I am 'other' or different to most in some ways, but have far more in common with fellow humans than areas of difference. My interest now is in making others see past my disability so we can connect on all our areas of similarity.

I am sympathetic to people who have experienced bigotry and discrimination and as a result being sensitised to interactions that bring these past experiences to mind. However, it's wrong to assume malign intent because some people have it. There are many different possibilities relating to why someone might ask questions about certain characteristics. There is plenty of evidence to show that people who make positive assumptions will be happier. This is something that CBT trains people to do.

I am concerned about the school of thought that suggests that any group of people should dictate to others not only what to think and say but also insist that they know better than an individual what underpins that individual's behaviour. Ultimately, this is what happens when someone attributes racism or ableism to acts that may not be racist/ablest. To those who read this and conclude that I have unconscious hatred and/or internalised hatred to myself - you may well be guilty of what I describe.

Many people have had unjust and unfair treatment in their lives. This is bound to impact upon how they subsequently experience the world. They deserve our sympathy and support. However, to expect others to self police their thoughts and actions according to a set of rules they determine is not a reasonable ask.

Some marginalised groups are unilaterally creating rules about what is socially acceptable and unacceptable. They feel completely justified in doing this without consultation with others and cast aspersions at those who object. It's not difficult to see that this approach is doomed to fail to bring about better relationships.

they aren't demanding a full fact laden potted history with documentation and references, it's just a way of engaging as a human being.

Actually people generally are asking for the full history. this is a typical conversation that I have had too many times so I now just shut down at an early stage (which means some people find me rude).

Irritating Stranger: Where are you from?
Me: I live in <name of local area>
IS: But from originally?
Me: I spent most of my childhood in Manchester
IS: But where are you really from? What's your background?
Me: My mother is English and can trace her family back in the north east for generations, and my father was born in India, but lived in Pakistan for most of childhood and moved to England when he was 16
IS: So does your father consider himself Indian or Pakistani or English?
Me: <thinks I am not responsible for educating them on historical reasons for migration>
IS: it must have been unusal for someone of your age to grow up mixed race? how did you find it?
Me: ...

"Being engaging" is stopping after I've told them the local area I live in (and probably moving on the conversation to talking about said area). this is far too intrusive a conversation for someone you don't know, it is not being interested, it may not be offensive but it is completely tone deaf, and it would not happen to a person with a while skin who had an English accent.

There was a thread the other day where a lot of posters agreed it was rude to ask someone why they had a bandage on their arm (where the conversation can be shut down by simply saying "oh! I hurt myself; it's nothing much"). But somehow it's not rude but just "being interested" to demand details of someone's personal history which, especially if it involves immigration, may include distressing events they don't want to retell to random people.

Immigrant? "Where are you from originally?"
Never met anyone who seemed the slightest bit offended by this question.

British-born ethnic minority? Much tougher. Have never been curious or needed to ask. But suppose I did, I'd probably just ask "What's your ethnicity?"

The problem isn't the phrasing, the problem is some people will find it intrusive and othering. Personally, I think 'trying to guess' is really, really rude. Ditto 'are you an x' Eg. "What's your ethnicity, is it Asian or are you an Arab?"

Sometimes it's a friendly enquiry ffs. Why does everyone have to keep everything a secret?

I wouldn't ask someone I didn't know!
But when getting to know someone you may reach a point where it feels appropriate.

Do those of you who find this an offensive question never ask anyone ever or wonder about their upbringing? Weirdly uninterested in others.

I'd honestly ask everyone where they grew up when getting to know them. Because it's interesting. Why presume it's because you're brown?

Do those of you who find this an offensive question never ask anyone ever or wonder about their upbringing? Weirdly uninterested in others.

Yes, but if they are a person I come into regular contact with it's likely to be discussed naturally over time, or if they know me a bit better (and have also shared more personal details about themselves), it's fine for them to ask.

This thread is more about people asking strangers or at best casual acquaintances. I think it's pretty weird to want to know the family background of someone you've just met and may never see again.

How would you ask a friend then? This is what i read the op as.
There's no need to ask strangers.

Maybe they do ask everyone. How does he know?

Some people have decided the thread is about asking strangers.

I didn't read it like that.

How does it "come up naturally " is the question.

They don’t but they also don’t have to tell you everything you are mildly curious about. Why do you think soldiers are sometimes told not to wear their uniform travelling or school children told not to wear uniforms if it makes them a target? Do you honestly have no idea why someone might not want to be known as “the Muslim”, “the Jew”, “Iranian”, “Israeli”, “Ukrainian” etc? If you’d read the thread you’d see there are lots of people who don’t like it for all sorts of reasons. Wake up.

But surely you would know where a friend was originally from, or know about their heritage?

He was on a beach with his white friends once, in his teens, and two men asked him and only him, where he was from, commented on his hair and tried to touch it. Is that good enough for you? Don’t be so stupid. He knows.

If I didn't already know anything about a friend's heritage from general conversation, I would assume that they didn't want to talk about it. Usually, it's the kind of thing that just gets mentioned over time and talked about quite naturally.

I have brown skin. My husband has white skin. Our (adult) children pass as white.

I am asked this a lot. My children have literally never been asked (we have discussed this). My husband occasionally gets asked about his very slightly regional accent (normally by people who come from the same area who recognise it), but not remotely near as much as I get asked about my background, and he only gets asked about the town he grew up in and never about where his parents came from originally.

Yes, this is anecdotal, but I doubt it is coincidental.

By the way, can I ask where your parents came from originally? What about your grandparents? Do all your family live in the UK? What language do you speak at home? Do you always eat curry, or do you sometimes eat English foods? Do you ever think that you might want to move back home? No, I mean where you come from originally.

I am finding the number of people on this thread, denying that this happens absolutely sickening.

The thing is, if diverse groups are going to live together in harmony, you can't have individuals or sub groups thinking that they can unilaterally decide what is or isn't rude or intrusive. Diversity will bring different ideas about what is/isn't acceptable.

The prevailing view in some circles is that it's appropriate for people from marginalised groups to determine what is and isn't ok in social interaction with them and for others to accept this. furthermore, any discomfort or objection to this is evidence that objectors are seeking to retain power and be able to oppress.

Once you take the names of the groups we are talking about and whether there is a history of oppression the above paragraph is widely considered a bat shit idea for supporting diversity.

I do not deny the history of oppression and ongoing adversity and discrimination that people from certain demographics experience. I do object to critical theory driven ideas as to how to address this.