What is the best way to ask ‘where are you from?’

[rickyrickygrimes]

Just that really. I’m interested in people, their stories, their histories. but when I meet new people I’m aware that asking them ‘where are you from?’ , especially if they are of a different ethnicity to the ‘host’ population, could be taken as hostile / impolite. Mostly I wait for them to volunteer the information. Sometimes I ask ‘are you from (big city where I live)?’ Or even ‘how did you end up here?’ (I work with a lot of people of different nationalities from all over) which softens the question a bit.

is there a polite way to ask about where people come from?

^ each to their own.
As a mixed ethnicity person I'd hate this. No one has a right to know your ethnicity in random conversation.
Kindly OP, it's not your business. We all get curious about all sorts of things but doesn't mean we have to know them.

My perspective is that I've been asked these questions so many times in so many ways! Yes I can usually tell when someone is a full blown racist/a bit ignorant/or malicious, but it's still annoying

Quite honestly immigrants to Britain do not find this offensive at all, I think they’d find it odd that you thought it might be.

Im going to say, it might depend of where you are in the U.K. In an area with high level of racism/xenophobia, people might well not be as happy as someone living in London.

But also re othering. This is my isn experience.

Ive lived all over as a child and a young adult. When I arrived in the U.K., I didn’t feel I be.ong to my home country. It was my citizenship but not where I belong. After a few years, my experience is that I belong to the place I was living in.

25 years if being asked ‘where are you coming from?’ and to then have had the label of that birth country stuck on me means that now, I dint feel British (despite now having the British citizenship). And that’s because I’ve been labelled ‘different’ every single time. No point even with trying the ‘Im British’ because people don’t believe me either.

So that’s what othering people do. Asking innocent questions.
It makes people feel like they don’t belong.

And I don't.

I don't find it rude if people ask me where I'm from.

However, this being mumsnet and the home of an awful lot of professionally easily offended people, I shall bear this in mind.

Yikes!

Firstly, I was replying to someone who (via her accent) didn’t want to be reminded of where she comes from.
But given that you chose to comment you demonstrated exactly the point I was trying to make- you believe that coming from (wherever) is something to be associated with shame, and that your national pride as a British subject in some way enhances you.

My reply to that is “Don’t you feel a bit of a twat trying to shame people for their nationality?”. You are in effect propagating the trope that some nations are shameful.

If you can’t speak to someone about this in case they come from the ‘wrong’ place, then maybe there is some internalized xenophobia going on there.

I also think you cannot have read my DEI comment properly. I joined the DEI forum with the intention of curbing the excesses of the zealots, because as you say, they are a damaging nightmare.

25 years if being asked ‘where are you coming from?’ and to then have had the label of that birth country stuck on me means that now, I dint feel British (despite now having the British citizenship). And that’s because I’ve been labelled ‘different’ every single time. No point even with trying the ‘Im British’ because people don’t believe me either.

I am in a very similar position (acquired citizenship, stand out when I open my mouth, different childhood points of reference). It doesn’t matter if people believe or not (other than dealing with Authority, and they believe me), they can believe what they like.

I don't make conversation with people who don't give a "shiny shit" about, and just "make conversation" about things like my ethnicity or heritage, especially when they're hostile (your word, not mine. I don't tend to receive hostility. Most people are too cowardly to be openly hostile. Mostly it's ignorant nosiness with a dash of prejudice, the odd inference (which they think they're being clever and/or superior about), and lots of jumping to erroneous conclusions because people can't imagine a world beyond their own borders). I choose substance over waffle (and hyperbole) in my conversations, and almost never is where I come from relevant to the topic of my conversations. I have far more interesting and useful things to offer.

I'm happy to leave you and your Scottish, Irish and Kentish ladies to swap stories. I reckon you feel threatened in your daily life far more frequently than I do.

How did you end up here? Where is your accent from? are rude because it’s another way to say that you don’t belong here.
What is your heritage is less annoying but it makes me wonder what it is about me that screams that I don’t belong here. I am mixed so not belonging in either country is a “thing” that I encounter in both places and is annoying because I can’t undo the fact that I’m mixed.

Where are you from is a complicated question if you don’t live in the place that you’re born. I’m never quite sure if it’s a question about where I was born, where I currently live or what nationality my parents are because they can’t place me racially. Sometimes people are satisfied with where I currently live which doesn’t make me feel othered but sometimes I get the dreaded “where are you really from?” and the answer “I was born in London” doesn’t satisfy them either. Sadly the idea that you have to be white to be English is not an unusual pov and the people who use phrases like “where are you really from?” can’t see that they are racists because they aren’t using slurs or directly saying “you can’t be English because you’re not white”

@Vabenejulio May I suggest you don't travel in the USA then. I was asked where I was from at least three times a day, while travelling out there. No nastiness just a genuine interest. Why would you be offended?

I don't understand why you feel people's personal business is your business. Some people would find any question of this nature intrusive.

I'd personally wait until they volunteered this information during the natural course of a conversation (without you shoehorning it in).

An ex-colleague of mine insisted that "where are you from?" Is an innocuous question. As they were a white, blonde person, this perhaps was to them, but not to a POC. It's loaded with "you are other, where is that place?".

I live in New York 😅(I was trying to be vague upthread, but I couldn't resist!).

I'm not offended! Not much offends me really, I very much take things and people as they come. Offence is pointless imo. It's not a productive reaction to anything. It's what pouting toddlers do (and we know where that ends up!). I just think - and I think this is the Brit in me - this sort of stuff isn't anyone's business. I mean, I'll offer it up if I feel like it. But I wouldn't go around sharing random details about any aspect of myself with people. If someone were to ask you about (say) your medical stuff, wouldn't you bristle and consider it none of their business? They may well be asking out of (say) an excess of sympathy: but maybe you wouldn't want or need that? Maybe you just don't care to talk about it that day? Maybe it's just not relevant to the matter in hand? One's medical stuff is hardly a suitable topic of conversation with a random mum you've met at a kid's birthday party. That's how I feel about explaining for the thousandth time my heritage and ethnicity and background. It's not relevant or interesting to me. It's private stuff that comes loaded with baggage and stress and hurt and a lifetime of small battles for me. I don't want to talk about it with people unless I want to. Is that really too much to ask?!

I agree 100%

and worse of all is when they start pouring the stereotype kind of questions based on the limited knowledge they have about the country you came from and / or their assumptions

One of the reasons I avoid disclosing where I come from is because people will immediatly talk about or ask about things I either never cared for or no longer care for such as footbal, carnival etc

And even if I do like the topic (bossa nova, golden sandy beaches, exotic cuisine) I may not be up for a conversation about it at that particular time

But one thing that they don’t always talk about but I’m sure it is pretty much always in their mind is the stereotyped version of the women from my country
I have to deal with it when encountering tourists back there and it is infuriating when it happens overhere

My heritage and background isn't private. Fortunately, I don't have anything to be worried about or ashamed of and I'm quite happy to tell anyone who asks me where I am from.

It’s really weird to me that an adult wouldn’t understand why their privileged situation might not be universal.

Do you understand why someone might not want to tell you if they are homo/hetero/bi sexual? Do you think they don’t think it’s your business because they are “ashamed” or because it’s none of your business?

Do you understand why someone might not want to tell you if they are homo/hetero/bi sexual? Do you think they don’t think it’s your business because they are “ashamed” or because it’s none of your business?

What a strange thing to ask. No, I wouldn't dream of asking someone what their sexual preferences are. What has this got do do with asking where they come from? That's just weird.

I also wouldn't just ask most people where they come from. Only if it comes up in conversation. I sat next to a lady from New Zealand at a charity dinner recently, and she was talking about her origins, so I asked her what part of New Zeland she was from. I don't think that is rude.

There's an awful lot of people being offended by other people stating a preference of not wanting to be asked, who interestingly never used the word offended.

It seems like 'professional offense' is a projection from those who don't like being disagreed with.

I've got the same problem! People will ask me questions about things or places I don't care about in Malaysia, I can't even have a private conversation with friends without a random stranger sticking their beak in, talking about my birth country with their limited knowledge. I wish they'll fuck off!

@MoveToParis “My reply to that is “Don’t you feel a bit of a twat trying to shame people for their nationality?”. You are in effect propagating the trope that some nations are shameful.”

I have not described any country as shameful. I do think that some countries are better on women’s rights than others. Hopefully we can agree on that? Also, this is something I’ve said here in the context of this thread. I would never raise it in casual conversation.

You described yourself as a DEI “plant”. There are many ways to interpret that.

Btw I don’t think the person you replied to was ashamed of where she comes from but I might have misinterpreted that.

I agree with posters talking about how often the question comes up btw. It’s something that gets old by the time you’re a young teen. At my age it’s very “oh my god, how can this STILL be a topic”.

Some posters are conflating very different situations though. It sounds like OP and some others are in environments where it’s a norm to ask where someone grew up, for example. But when you get asked often enough while waiting alone at the bus stop, you know it’s not headed anywhere good.

@AlisonDonut are you really unaware that for many people, the question is often a precursor to an outright racist remark?

DONT TELL EM PIKE.

Dad’s Army? Says it all 🙄

I’ve got the theme tune as an ear worm now!

@AlisonDonut You seem angry about it. And I might have missed it but you’re not addressing the points people put to you. You mention that no one says good morning here - they do round my way and I’m sure in lots of places. No one did that in the rough bit of London I lived in for ages. Obviously it varies.

Do you feel like your main question has been taken away from you? I can’t see why you mention the tomatillos etc. those things would happen from any conversation starter. It doesn’t need to be a question that clearly causes a lot of discomfort.

And yes, we all have to deal with discomfort - but are we likely to befriend the person asking those questions?

one reason I miss the 90s is those questions weren’t a norm. I think it was someone from the Happy Mondays who said this - the great thing about that time is people “just met you as you were” I think he said. I know exactly what he means.

I think it’s natural to wonder, I certainly do but I don’t ask as I don’t want to offend. Asking someone’s ethnic background feels like the back of a job application

@Vabenejulio well you’re a bitter misery aren’t you

You seem angry about it. And I might have missed it but you’re not addressing the points people put to you.

Grrrr...so angry lol.

I haven't read any 'responses' I've been out, talking to people. Having perfectly normal conversations. I've been around our neighbours, having perfectly normal conversations. I am not staff and you aren't my manager. Who the fuck do you think you are?

I've had 50 years of this shit and I'm sick of it.

I know people asking the questions are usually interested, curious and well meaning and I don't take offence but it's so draining.

Every
Single
New
Person

I meet ..... will within a few minutes give in to temptation:

-That's an unusual name, where's it from?
-Oh I went there on holiday once
-How long have you lived in the UK?
-Are your family still there

I get this when I call up to book a plumber, speak to the school, book a restaurant, speak to my GP. It's endless.

Super-great point. I used to live in a big city and had a multi-ethnic / cultural friend group related to my martial arts club. I am white British working class and it used to make me cringe whenever we went out for social events as a club, and there'd always be some random in whatever pub / club / restaurant we went to, who'd accost one of our POC club members, "being friendly" / interrogating them about "where they were really from".
Personally, I wouldn't bring up a person's race / ethnicity / culture, unless they'd explicitly referred to it beforehand, and made it clear they were OK with talking about it.