Dad regret

[Lionsfan]

Hi all

First time poster here and I am in a bit of a pickle. Long story short:

My wife and I of 6.5 years have a 2 year old son. She is now expecting. To say we have had a rocky road of parenting is probably true, we have often fought and clashed and I have grown to realise that I don't love her and am in not love with her. She was desperate to have another child and I was less keen; not dead against it but reluctant for the main reason that I don't see her as the one for me.

I was quite ambivalent about having our first, but after a few missed periods and our relationship being in a better place then I got on board and was thrilled when she was pregnant. But the last few years I have started to wonder whether the life of 2 kids with my wife for life is really a life I want. I miss my days when I had more freedom and could explore my interests. I know that is a cliche and I bet 95% of parents feel the same but I simply regret the choices I have made. I am not happier than I was when I was single. I adore my son but I honestly believe that I would be a better parent if I was happier and alone/with someone else albeit the fall out of breaking up with my wife may well be very painful for everyone.

Over the last few weeks I again warmed to the idea of another baby and so we were trying but when I suspected (rightly) that she was pregnant I became remorseful and when she told me she was pregnant about 10 days ago I was crushed.

Now I am just so confused. Honestly, 10-15% of me is excited/positive and thinking may be this is for the best; that the next 2-3 years of more baby/toddler time will be tough but it will all be worth it. The difference is- that as true as that may be for every single parent- there is a love and a certainty with other couples that they are right for each other. And I am sure it's not healthy to feel as I do.

I may get shit for this in terms of how I would leave my wife in the lurch by leaving now or shortly after birth (or whenever) or by playing along and living a lie; but I honestly don't know what to do. Leave now and rip the band aid off to cause no more hurt or settle for a life that I don't think will make me happy and do my best to love, care for and provide for my family knowing there are far more people worse off than me and to live with my decisions. I could/should have made the decision to leave my wife or not have children long ago and I should live with the decision.

I see a therapist to talk through this very issue but she's away. My mom is aware of my feelings somewhat but not yet that my wife is pregnant. Any help or hard truths/constructive criticism is very welcome!

Thanks for reading.

Lions fan

Honestly. Why try for another baby when you weren't sure? That's incredibly irresponsible of you.
You don't have the luxury of just making choices for yourself once you have children.
Relationships change over time, you won't feel the same about your wife now.
Leaving your pregnant wife would be a shitty thing to do.
I don't really have any good advice for you. But if you decide to leave, don't kid yourself it's anything more than a selfish choice right now and make sure you properly support your ex and your children.

Own your choices. You chose to create two people, now you want to replace your wife with a girlfriend while expecting your wife to house and raise your kids?

Do you think many women would find a man who dumped his pregnant wife appealing?

Let your wife know you don't like her, so she can choose to divorce you. Have you looked in to what she'll be entitled to when the divorce happens? Where you'll live?

Just why. God your poor wife and kids.

Exactly

What if your wife is thinking the same? Maybe she’s also planning to dump you with the kids and go back to the freedoms of her single life? Maybe she will just pull off that band-aid and go find herself someone who makes her happy and fulfilled.

Leave now. Be honest with her. It will give her the opportunity to decide whether she wants to follow through with the pregnancy/child raising alone.

You selfish, selfish idiot. You knew you weren't happy, you knew you didn't enjoy being a parent or a husband, and you thought it was a good idea to impregnate this poor woman again? While thinking about how much happier you'd be single? Really? Did you think about her or your children's wellbeing at all while making that decision?

Go on, toddle off into the sunset to be a Disney dad and leave this poor woman to raise your children for you while you have your freedom and "explore your interests". It's not a unique position, you're just joining the ranks of many, many useless men who get posted about on here every day by the women who made the terrible mistake of expecting anything but mediocrity from you.

Yep. Nothing more to be said, really.

Tell her now so she can make a decision as to whether she wants to go ahead with the pregnancy or not. And so that she can go and find someone to share her life with who actually loves her (or not, as she may well be happier alone than with a man who doesn’t love her). You might find she feels the same way you do anyway.

You can't have a huge amount of freedom to explore your interests when you have a toddler and a baby. That's just the way it is.

Oh unless you fuck off and let someone else do all the work of course. I'm sure you weren't planning to do that, were you?

Your children will grow up in a flash.

You were incredibly irresponsible to purposefully create two children with someone you don't like while lying to her, but now you've done it you are morally obliged to raise them.

You need to grow up. You chose to make these children, time to stop being a selfish prick and dedicate your life to raising them, like you wife will do. Fuck this up and your DC will see you for what you are, as will everyone around you. But be honest about your feelings towards her, so she can move on and meet someone better.

Your poor kids

It's tough, tiring and emotionally draining having a young family. It absolutely pushes you to the limit and does cause strain on relationships.

I'm speaking from experience, but as a mum.

My advice would be give it all you've got. Keep communication flowing and know it won't be easy.

In my case, I divorced XH when my DC were 4 and 5 for all the reasons you've stated. But I did try and I tried hard. I brought up my two on my own in the end because their 'D'F wanted nothing to do with them after he got a new GF two weeks after moving out.

At least, if you've tried and know in your heart that you really have, and if it still isn't working, you'll be able to look your DC in the eyes in the future and be honest.

By the way, decent women will not have the time of day for a Dad that doesn't do his 50% of parenting. So you may find the grass is not greener.

If this is for real, don't have any more kids with someone else.

I think that as this was not an accident and you were actively trying to conceive, it would be incredibly selfish and unfair to leave your wife now. So I would put these thoughts out of your mind for the next couple of years and make sure you do your fair share of the childcare during that time. Then when the baby is sleeping well you can revisit the question- obviously no one has to stay married if they really don't want to. Make sure you see your DC regularly for contact and pay a fair amount of maintenance if you do split up. Assuming you don't want to be an absolute dickhead, that is.

To be fair though, why should his wife have to put up with a bloke like him? She might prefer him to be gone. I think he should tell her how he feels so she can make her own decisions about her life based on the facts. Not have him sticking with her out of a sense of duty. She could be free to find someone who actually loves her.

The thing that happens when you become a parent is that you can no longer put yourself and your own needs/wants first. You have to sacrifice all that, and put the family first. I remember talking to my boss many years ago (he and his wife were expecting their 4th), and he said to me "Well, you just do everything for them".

You can’t leave your pregnant wife and toddler because you don’t think she’s “the one” for you

Unless you had a gun at your head forcing you, own your choices and work out why you’re not the sort of husband and father someone would be proud to have. Do you really want to be that man and that dad?

I suppose you should leave her rather than lying about it.
You can start a new life alone. Meet new people. But as you age you will find it's not so easy to just start a new life with someone else. You might meet someone with their own children. You might start a relationship with someone who then wants children. Will you feel the same? At some point I'm sure you will want a new relationship but you can't bank on your new partner wanting to be children free. At some point you do have to grow up. You may regret throwing your life away if in a few years you are alone and your ex has built a new family without you. Eventually you find all your friends will settle down and the going out every weekend stops.

Less than a month after actively choosing to impregnate her.

I cannot believe your mum knows about your feelings but your wife doesn't. If you're going to leave them just do it now, but you are lying to yourself that you'll be a better parent if you leave. You won't be parenting.

Wow.
You're unbelievably selfish.

Getting your wife pregnant in these circumstances was irresponsible and your behaviour is outrageous.

I'm amazed you're seeing a therapist. What's your problem? You want to leave your pregnant wife because you don't love her and can't be bothered parenting.

Men like you make me sick.

Leave her. You picked the wrong woman for you. It won’t get better and you’ll just end up resenting your circumstances more and more.