Dad regret

[Lionsfan]

Hi all

First time poster here and I am in a bit of a pickle. Long story short:

My wife and I of 6.5 years have a 2 year old son. She is now expecting. To say we have had a rocky road of parenting is probably true, we have often fought and clashed and I have grown to realise that I don't love her and am in not love with her. She was desperate to have another child and I was less keen; not dead against it but reluctant for the main reason that I don't see her as the one for me.

I was quite ambivalent about having our first, but after a few missed periods and our relationship being in a better place then I got on board and was thrilled when she was pregnant. But the last few years I have started to wonder whether the life of 2 kids with my wife for life is really a life I want. I miss my days when I had more freedom and could explore my interests. I know that is a cliche and I bet 95% of parents feel the same but I simply regret the choices I have made. I am not happier than I was when I was single. I adore my son but I honestly believe that I would be a better parent if I was happier and alone/with someone else albeit the fall out of breaking up with my wife may well be very painful for everyone.

Over the last few weeks I again warmed to the idea of another baby and so we were trying but when I suspected (rightly) that she was pregnant I became remorseful and when she told me she was pregnant about 10 days ago I was crushed.

Now I am just so confused. Honestly, 10-15% of me is excited/positive and thinking may be this is for the best; that the next 2-3 years of more baby/toddler time will be tough but it will all be worth it. The difference is- that as true as that may be for every single parent- there is a love and a certainty with other couples that they are right for each other. And I am sure it's not healthy to feel as I do.

I may get shit for this in terms of how I would leave my wife in the lurch by leaving now or shortly after birth (or whenever) or by playing along and living a lie; but I honestly don't know what to do. Leave now and rip the band aid off to cause no more hurt or settle for a life that I don't think will make me happy and do my best to love, care for and provide for my family knowing there are far more people worse off than me and to live with my decisions. I could/should have made the decision to leave my wife or not have children long ago and I should live with the decision.

I see a therapist to talk through this very issue but she's away. My mom is aware of my feelings somewhat but not yet that my wife is pregnant. Any help or hard truths/constructive criticism is very welcome!

Thanks for reading.

Lions fan

Tell her now so she can choose to be a single parent to one child or two children.

Or three, if you count the big baby that is her husband.

settle for a life that I don't think will make me happy and do my best to love, care for and provide for my family knowing there are far more people worse off than me and to live with my decisions. I could/should have made the decision to leave my wife or not have children long ago and I should live with the decision.

This. Stop being so pathetic, own your choices, and start being the man you are supposed to be.

Tbh if it was a woman posting this people would be a lot nicer. I’ve seen posts from women saying they are no longer attracted to their DH yet are pregnant or with a young baby and they had deliberately gotten pregnant knowing they didn’t love the baby’s father. People reacted totally differently. however, OP you will always have the responsibility of having the children so it won’t be like before but if you’re happier single or with someone else then do that. Life is too short. It sounds like what is stressing you out is the thought of being with your DP, not the children.

You know when people talk with disgust about the vile man who abandoned his pregnant wife and/or new mother and baby? That will be you.

You're a total shit. Hope that helps.

She was desperate to have another child and I was less keen; not dead against it but reluctant for the main reason that I don't see her as the one for me.

It was in the OP. I didnt add or remove anything, just pasted the whole thing in to ChatGPT

Thanks for the responses, all of them. It's hard to read, but helpful and good to read so thank you.

1. There isn't anyone else at all; I meant eventually I may meet someone else but I know it's better to meet no one that the wrong person.
2. I was 100% not proposing to be a Disney Dad or absentee Dad. My wife doesn't work, I do so would do whatever we can agree or a court would order absent an agreement.
3. It is not about sleeping around, partying etc. I am too old for both (40 yo).
4. I do a lot of childcare as the wife does go out a lot at weekends and evenings, things I encourage. I bathe, change him, put him to bed, feed him and take him to the park each day of the weekend.
5. I am not a woman; quelle suprise.
6. The Lionsfan thing is an NFL reference.

Apologies for pissing anyone else or not being clear, I was halfway on my way to the gym to clear my head a little (wife is out with the son on a play date so no I wasn't avoiding real life).

I feel how I feel; and I did what I did. As much as I understand and believe me have said to myself all the insults thrown at me, it doesn't change anything and I can't change the past. I am effectively of the view of sticking it out, I adore my son and we have nice times as a family and will do in the future; I just don't know that my feelings will change. If they do, great- if they don't do I stay moderately content or do I owe it to myself (and my children) to be happy and be a better parent in the process? If y'all believe the former (i.e. own your choices, grow up etc), fine- I appreciate the candour and your views. As I said, very grateful for them. I wasn't looking for sympathy or a head patting "never mind" response.

Because men walking away from their kids is a tale as old as time. In your example, chances are the women will still be the ones left doing the vast majority of the child rearing. Note the OP hasn’t suggested they split but he be the one who remains with the children. He gets to walk away and concentrate on himself and his hobbies, how often does a woman do the same thing? Or even suggest it? The situations are incomparable.

Another man amazed that actions have consequences. Jesus. You chose this life, you made these babies. You can't just bugger off because you're not feeling totally fulfilled. How many mums just get on with the drudgery for the love of their kids? You sound like you want an easy life and just don't want to grow up.

But the last few years I have started to wonder whether the life of 2 kids with my wife for life is really a life I want.

But you'll have your two kids for life & be parenting, caring & providing for them either way.

Is there someone else & you want to abandon your kids as well?

Why are you even on here?
Do you honestly think that women are going to support your poor choices and approve of the appalling way you are treating your wife?
Do you perhaps have a fetish about being loathed and disapproved of by women?

The women who posted this aren't usually planning to ditch the kids on their father and be a Disney part time parent while pursuing their own interests and sex life though, are they? Their partner also isn't left pregnant with a child they thought was conceived in a happy relationship less than a month ago.

No one is giving this guy a hard time because he wants to end a relationship. They're giving him a hard time for deliberately impregnating his wife without telling her that he's had doubts for years, and planning to fuck off leaving her holding the babies.

MyStylish40s · Today 11:41
You can’t leave your pregnant wife and toddler because you don’t think she’s “the one” for you

Oh, he can, and is lining it up.

Are you calling his wife an idiot?

She may know, if the OP is acting withdrawn etc.
How are you so certain she doesn't know? (I've listed above at 12.09, but will paste again so you dont have to search

How many women here wanted a baby and either didnt care if the man stepped up because she wanted a child, or "thought he would change" seriously the amount of posts where posters are saying "he does nothing to help with the DC" when asked what they were like before, "oh, he did nothing then either" )

Honestly I would just put up with her, but kind of live a separate life in my head. I.e I'd go golf, football etc.

Just see her as a roommate until the kids are older and then I'd spend even less time actively with her. I.e golf trips, holidays without it.

Splitting up the family unit isn't worth it. You'll still get family holidays together and still have your kids. You don't have to love her, just get on with her enough.

How two faced mumsnet can be.
If op was a woman the comments would be a lot different.
Some would say leave have 50/50 you deserve a life dont stay with someone if your un happy lifes to short etc etc etc.
But because op is a man he as to be wrong.
My advice to you op is what a lot would say to a woman above advice.

If a woman was discussing leaving her husband and children because she’d be happier with someone else and to have more time for her hobbies her arse would be handed to her on a plate too. The blunt truth is that very few women abandon their children and very few women only have their kids eow.

OP is getting a hard time as he’s trying to regain his lost single life

Someone said above, that the woman is normally the one 'left holding the baby' which is why the responses will be different

That said - I do agree with the total bias towards Men being useless and hateful, where a woman would get a very different response

But the way it reads in your version implies that she knew he was reluctant and didn’t see her as the one for him. In the original it just says that’s how he felt, no mention of her knowing it.

My wife doesn't work, I do.

So we would do whatever we can agree, or a court would order, absent an agreement

Your wife does work, matey.
Bringing up children is work.

HTH

Honestly you've really really fucked up. You made choices and you're a dad now. You can leave whenever you like but you've put your wife in a very bad position.

You should have told her how you feel before she got pregnant and has bonded with this baby. If you tell her now she has to decide whether to continue with this pregnancy alone. A pregnancy that exists and she has bonded with. Her child's sibling. But if you're off she has to go through pregnancy and maternity leave etc alone which financially is a huge huge huge worry. And you're leaving her with 2 really young kids. If you voice your thoughts and leave now you will utterly destroy this pregnancy for her, whether she goes through with it or not. If it was me I wouldn't be able to forgive you.

If you stay you're living a lie, and that's going to show. Lack of support for her, bonding with your baby, and your prolonging the inevitable and stopping her finding someone who loves her.

Really you can't overstate how much you've fucked up. Truly.

The responses are not the same because the reality is not the same. Most men never do anything close to 50/50. And they bloody well can't when the baby isn't even born yet. It's not like for like.

And you called her THE wife.

Absolutely grim. You clearly have no respect for the woman you married.

I was going from what HE said, which is the only information we have. We can only go on what he tells us, we are not in his relationship.

The words "I owe it to myself" are so often used as an attempt to justify something incredibly selfish.

His wife deserves better than that.