Dad regret

[Lionsfan]

Hi all

First time poster here and I am in a bit of a pickle. Long story short:

My wife and I of 6.5 years have a 2 year old son. She is now expecting. To say we have had a rocky road of parenting is probably true, we have often fought and clashed and I have grown to realise that I don't love her and am in not love with her. She was desperate to have another child and I was less keen; not dead against it but reluctant for the main reason that I don't see her as the one for me.

I was quite ambivalent about having our first, but after a few missed periods and our relationship being in a better place then I got on board and was thrilled when she was pregnant. But the last few years I have started to wonder whether the life of 2 kids with my wife for life is really a life I want. I miss my days when I had more freedom and could explore my interests. I know that is a cliche and I bet 95% of parents feel the same but I simply regret the choices I have made. I am not happier than I was when I was single. I adore my son but I honestly believe that I would be a better parent if I was happier and alone/with someone else albeit the fall out of breaking up with my wife may well be very painful for everyone.

Over the last few weeks I again warmed to the idea of another baby and so we were trying but when I suspected (rightly) that she was pregnant I became remorseful and when she told me she was pregnant about 10 days ago I was crushed.

Now I am just so confused. Honestly, 10-15% of me is excited/positive and thinking may be this is for the best; that the next 2-3 years of more baby/toddler time will be tough but it will all be worth it. The difference is- that as true as that may be for every single parent- there is a love and a certainty with other couples that they are right for each other. And I am sure it's not healthy to feel as I do.

I may get shit for this in terms of how I would leave my wife in the lurch by leaving now or shortly after birth (or whenever) or by playing along and living a lie; but I honestly don't know what to do. Leave now and rip the band aid off to cause no more hurt or settle for a life that I don't think will make me happy and do my best to love, care for and provide for my family knowing there are far more people worse off than me and to live with my decisions. I could/should have made the decision to leave my wife or not have children long ago and I should live with the decision.

I see a therapist to talk through this very issue but she's away. My mom is aware of my feelings somewhat but not yet that my wife is pregnant. Any help or hard truths/constructive criticism is very welcome!

Thanks for reading.

Lions fan

If you are honest with yourself, do you think you do 50% of the care for your toddler at present? Do you actually care for him by yourself for full days to know that you're a better dad solo? Or do you mean that you'd be a more fun dad if you could just do the fun bits and didn't need to contribute to the daily grind?

One thing's for sure, you definitely won't be a better dad if you're hardly there.

@Lionsfan I think you're getting quite a hard time here. Does your DW have any idea how you're feeling?

For impregnating his wife when he wasn’t sure if he loved her or not, then deciding a month later that he’d rather go and live on his own because he’s happier when he can concentrate on himself?

Was waiting for someone to say that🙄

'Dad regret'. I hope your children never read those words.

Oh please, his wife isn't some simple idiot, she chose to have unprotected sex too ffs.

Tough, you’ve made your bed, now you have to lie in it. And try to be less selfish in future, you’ve got 2 kids for goodness sake, grow up!

I get that you're feeling low but your wife not being the "one" shouldn't even be on your radar now that you've had children together. You should spend your time building up your family life instead of agonising over regret.

So sick of man babies like you, OP.

What sort of response are you looking for here?

Yeah, it's shitty to be contemplating leaving your wife with a toddler and a newborn so you can go back to a carefree single life with no real responsibilities.

But if you're not going to be a proper husband and father then maybe she and her children will be better off without you.

Consider getting a vasectomy.

Is one of your interests masochism?

I can't think why else you might have posted this.

Love is something you do, not just something you feel or something that is bestowed upon you. You don't have to love spending time with a 3yo to JF show up and spend time with them anyway, because you love them, they need you and because it's the right thing to do.

I read somewhere that 50% of children are conceived accidentally. Even if the figure's a lot lower, it's far from unusual. Most parents who accidentally conceive children do better for them than Disney dad EOW, and you should aim to do far better than that too.

Yeah she did, but with a bloke she thought also wanted a child with her.

Because she thought she had a husband who loved her and wanted another child. I suspect if she’d known how he really felt, she’d have been less inclined to have unprotected sex with him.

but did she though?

How many women here wanted a baby and either didnt care if the man stepped up because she wanted a child, or "thought he would change" seriously the amount of posts where posters are saying "he does nothing to help with the DC" when asked what they were like before, "oh, he did nothing then either"

Basically,you got her pregnant under false pretences
You pretended you wanted a baby ,with the wife you are pretending to love .
Tell her the truth,you at least owe her that .
If you ever cared for her at all
Don't leave her with a toddler and new born
Do it now while she still has choices

Not sure if this is a genuine post or if it is off the back off the post where a woman said she ruined her life having a family. If that's the case well done, point proven that the response on here is so different when it is a man.
If it is genuine, go and find that post where you may find some useful advice.

I honestly believe that I would be a better parent if I was happier and alone/with someone else

@Lionsfan is there someone else? It's rare for a man to leave a relationship to be on his own.

Unless he told her that he didn’t love her and didn’t want another kid before he impregnated her (and he obviously didn’t), then how would she have known?

Agreed.

Honestly unless he's the world's best liar and they've never had a conversation she knew exactly how he felt and was happy enough to have another baby.

It's all me, me, me with you, isn't it?

Don't worry though, this message board is positively hoaching with tales of mental midgets who've belatedly decided they prefer shagging about the single life over their wife and kids. They seem to manage pretty well with seeing the kids once in a blue moon, paying sod all in child maintenance and fucking over their ex-wife's life and career so they can continue on their odyssey of self-fulfilment and shagging about self-discovery.

You'll be just dandy whatever you decide. It's a man's world.

You are harking back to a pre kid time that will never exist again unless of course you’re an evil bastard that is going to totally abandon his kids. So you may have the kids on your own for 50% of the time when they are a bit older older.

if you don’t love your wife then leave but don’t kid yourself … your carefree days are gone so maybe it’s time to grow the fuck up.

Why have you decided you don't love her after getting her pregnant? Now you get to have your two kids, walk away and be part time dad right? You get to be carefree and happy and she get's to be single mum to a newborn and a toddler?
Tell her now while she still has options.