Dad regret

[Lionsfan]

Hi all

First time poster here and I am in a bit of a pickle. Long story short:

My wife and I of 6.5 years have a 2 year old son. She is now expecting. To say we have had a rocky road of parenting is probably true, we have often fought and clashed and I have grown to realise that I don't love her and am in not love with her. She was desperate to have another child and I was less keen; not dead against it but reluctant for the main reason that I don't see her as the one for me.

I was quite ambivalent about having our first, but after a few missed periods and our relationship being in a better place then I got on board and was thrilled when she was pregnant. But the last few years I have started to wonder whether the life of 2 kids with my wife for life is really a life I want. I miss my days when I had more freedom and could explore my interests. I know that is a cliche and I bet 95% of parents feel the same but I simply regret the choices I have made. I am not happier than I was when I was single. I adore my son but I honestly believe that I would be a better parent if I was happier and alone/with someone else albeit the fall out of breaking up with my wife may well be very painful for everyone.

Over the last few weeks I again warmed to the idea of another baby and so we were trying but when I suspected (rightly) that she was pregnant I became remorseful and when she told me she was pregnant about 10 days ago I was crushed.

Now I am just so confused. Honestly, 10-15% of me is excited/positive and thinking may be this is for the best; that the next 2-3 years of more baby/toddler time will be tough but it will all be worth it. The difference is- that as true as that may be for every single parent- there is a love and a certainty with other couples that they are right for each other. And I am sure it's not healthy to feel as I do.

I may get shit for this in terms of how I would leave my wife in the lurch by leaving now or shortly after birth (or whenever) or by playing along and living a lie; but I honestly don't know what to do. Leave now and rip the band aid off to cause no more hurt or settle for a life that I don't think will make me happy and do my best to love, care for and provide for my family knowing there are far more people worse off than me and to live with my decisions. I could/should have made the decision to leave my wife or not have children long ago and I should live with the decision.

I see a therapist to talk through this very issue but she's away. My mom is aware of my feelings somewhat but not yet that my wife is pregnant. Any help or hard truths/constructive criticism is very welcome!

Thanks for reading.

Lions fan

But he doesn’t say he wants to leave parenting. He specifically says the opposite.

I guess it’s just starkly different to women splitting up being told it’s a good thing to have hobbies and pursue interests when the kids are with the other parent, that they deserve a life and to be happy, and that split care does not make them any less of a mother.

Thinking back to the wife, OP... You sound really vague about what's wrong here, and it reminds of men I've known who don't seem to know what they want, or rather they kind of want something but kind of don't, because they are expecting their perfect Happily Ever After to appear one day and make everything right, to "make them happy". It doesn't seem to occur to them that life, and relationships, don't work that way.

You chose to marry this woman - why? You must have believed in things then? And you still have sex with her, so it's not like you can say the spark has died. Believe me, sadly, a lot of married couples would like to have the sex life you have, even if to you it seems like routine TTC sex.

You say the two of you argue, but you sound really passive about why. It's like you think arguing is just like bad weather that just happens.

Your most straightforward viable option here is to work on this marriage. It's a bit late to say that you've realised you "don't like" your wife - were you asleep when you married her? You need to appraise your situation in the context that you're in the thick of the baby years, and the two of you need to hunker down and get through it. We'd all like to pursue our own interests, but as a PP wisely said, you can only do that right now if you leave someone else with the hard work. Imagine that you are tied into this marriage for the next few years, and make the best of your life as it currently is, instead of wishing your life away.

You were reckless looking to have another baby when you felt this way. If she is not the one for you and your not happy that the best thing to do is split up. However, when it comes to your children they are just as much your responsibility as hers. Therefore the custody should be 50 % shared. Don't expect your wife to do all the bringing up of the children unless this is what she wants and you both agree. You can't just walk away and that's it !

Sadly from personal experience these men don't want "decent women"
They want to get their end away and women who would sleep with a man who's partner (current or recent) is still pregnant or has just had a child don't fall into the decent category. Nor do men who would abandon their partners at the most vulnerable times of their lives because they have had a sudden change of heart.
Very sad, and what a position to be in to simply walk away once you change your mind. I hope she bins you off first.

I don’t think I’ve ever read an OP with so many “I”, “me”, “my”, “myself”.

You're utterly selfish manchuld

Grow up!

It suppose it's quite rare to have a man so openly demonstrate his irresponsibility and selfishness like this. He still seems to expect sympathy though!
There will soon be three other people in this family but he thinks he's the most important person in it. He is likely to not only cause his wife awful pain but inflict severe damage on his young child(ren) that may last for years.
But whatever, he's unhappy so that's all the matters. How many of us have struggled in unhappy marriages to useless arseholes? Sadly, it seems women find it much more difficult to leave their family than men who blithely skip off into the sunset with sucker wife no.2. (Who is more than likely waiting in the wings for this tool.)
OP, you need to grow up - you don't seem to realise what a cliché you have become. The grass is by no means greener, especially if you have an ounce of self-awareness.

This is an odd thing to mention late in the day, is that true or just making yourself look better? If that's the case then she knew the situation just aswell as you and your both as bad as each other

Do you think many women would find a man who dumped his pregnant wife appealing?

My ex walked in the early days of pregnancy. He has behaved appallingly towards me and our children for years. Sadly, it has made sod all difference to him having a partner - one leaves and there's always another waiting in the wings.

But the last few years I have started to wonder whether the life of 2 kids with my wife for life is really a life I want. I miss my days when I had more freedom and could explore my interests. I know that is a cliche and I bet 95% of parents feel the same but I simply regret the choices I have made. I am not happier than I was when I was single. I adore my son but I honestly believe that I would be a better parent if I was happier and alone

And he titled his post ‘Dad regret’.

He also talks in a later post about his depression since having his son, not since having a wife. It’s not the wife who is limiting his freedom.

Well, yes. There is no sense of who his wife is or who his child is. They are blanks with no character or personality. No details to sketch them with at all. I don’t think I have ever before read a post about relationships with no sense of who the person is that they are talking about.

There is, however, a very vivid portrayal of the character of OP.

Its really telling.

Something really off about these men that stumble upon mumsnet and serve themselves up for a good kicking. Attention seeker. Any female attention is better than none for them it seems. 😬

It's not, but I think he thinks it is. He says he would be a better parent if he were happier, which seems to mean not with his wife - as he says, "happier and alone". If he considered himself blissfully in love with his wife, he would not be daydreaming about life as a single parent.

I don't agree that the wife is the cause of his problems, by the way - I think he needs to learn that happiness doesn't just fall into your lap and stay there.

I hope you are still reading OP. I have no idea what you were expecting but you will have a very unvarnished view of their experience.

I personally think you are mistaken that it is a binary be selfish/be selfless.

It seems not to have occurred to you that you can try to make it work. As in address all the issues both in yourself and your marriage and come out the other side as a better man, better husband and better parent.

I miss my freedom and want to explore my interests : that covers a multitude of sins and ultimately sounds like “I want her not to nag me about gaming.” What is it you are actually talking about and why can’t you negotiate free time for both of you.

I appreciate how open you are to criticism here. My only advice is that now is absolutely not the time to be making a decision like this. You need to be there for your wife, your son, and your incoming child. To leave now would absolutely be the wrong thing to do for both of you (she is hardly likely to get back on the dating scene with young children either way).

As hard as it may be, I think you need to park this decision (by all means continue to discuss with your therapist) and come back to it when your children are a bit older and you have weathered the storm of the early years. They have to be your priority right now, your own happiness has to take a back seat to their security, and the security of your wife. That's the responsibility you have signed up for.

Explore these thoughts over the next few years as much as you like - and when the time is right talk to your wife before making any decisions. Couples therapy is also worth pursuing before you walk, if that's what you eventually decide to do.

As neither of you were happy, both of you should have prevented this pregnancy. You’ve bought another child into the world, who will never have a stable childhood.🙄

Agree with this.

What were you thinking to be "trying" when you have all of these negative feelings about her? FFS.

Tell her now while there is still time to terminate if that is what she chooses.

You've done an awful thing in creating a second pregnancy when you had these doubts. My advice now is to leave your marriage and focus all your efforts on being as good a parent to those two children as you can. First off, accept you can't have your single life back as it was, because youre now a single father. An entirely different thing if you have the decency to do it right. So your priorities, social, financial, practical and emotional need to always be those children. You pay as much as you can afford not whats 'fair' to you in your opinion, you have them as much as is good for them, not at your convenience. You accept they are as much your responsibility as your wifes. Every day, every night. Not just every other weekend when you see them.
You don't need to be with your wife to do that. In fact i think the sooner you leave the better, as my prediction is the longer you stay the more you will blame her and hence justify short changing her. Leave while you're still prepared to accept your guilt and responsibility and to do right by her and your children.

Honestly, the whole "children are resilient, they're happier with two happy parents living apart" is largely nonsense. It's just something parents say to make themselves feel better, like "happy mummy, happy baby" or "children don't need fathers". You only need to look at the step-parenting forum to see what a rubbish deal so many children get when their parents split up. No, living with two parents who aren't completely happy isn't ideal, but it's generally a hell of a lot better than living with step-parents who resent your very existence and probably aren't very happy either.

Why is a man posting on a women's forum?

Why don't you post somewhere else?

He is leaving parenting though... the fact is parenting is a full time job you can't just be a part time parent doing it 1% of the time when it suits you.

Are you per chance one of these women dating a deadbeat dad who talks about how much he loves his kids and who shares photos all over facebook and has 'Kaiden 08/09/18' tattooed on his back. Who is convinced the only reason her partner only sees his kid once a month or so is because the mother 'cruelly stops' him being the loving doting dad he is?

If so I look forward to your post in approx. 2 years time when you lament how your bastard of an ex bailed on you leaving you to raise little 'Katie-lynn' alone and how naive his new pregnant girlfriend is for thinking the sun shines out of his ass when he has missed the last 3 visitations and forgot his own kids birthday.

OP, as you say, it’s not necessarily black and white. You need a more realistic understanding and how you feel and what your options are. As you already have a therapist, that’s a good place to explore them.

Think about the next 3-5 years of co-parenting. Will you have the space and time to pursue your interests and hobbies as a fully involved father of 2? Eg can you alter work hours so you can do nursery drop offs and then do your hobby after work while your co-parent does dinner and bedtime that day. Alternately can you do your hobby before work and still finish early to do pickup and bedtimes while your co-parent pursues her interests. Can you give your co-parent one weekend day to pursue her interests while you look after both kids, and she does the same for you?

If that’s possible, so you want to co-parent while being in a relationship with your wife? What made you fall in love with her? Is she still those things and it’s not doing it for you anymore? Has she changed? Is there a way to get back to what made you love each other? What do the next 5 years look like for her? Does she want to go back to work or be a SAHP (until they’re both at school?) ?

If you don’t want to co-parent while being in a relationship you should split up. The decent thing would be to provide maximum support until she can get back into some sort of work and be as flexible as possible on how your co-parenting will work. (Will you just have the big one for overnights while the baby is tiny? Or have both together but not overnight until the baby is how old?)

If it turns out you can’t co-parent and pursue your interests as much you’d like, then you need to explore in therapy whether you’d rather be “happy” and a father who shirked his responsibilities and left his kids in the lurch, or whether you can let go of some of your ideas about what is possible as father of two in his 40s.

Also, I think people should treat having a child like a serious bereavement in terms of making life-changing decisions. It does a number on your brain and you should try to hold off on major decisions (like leaving your wife) for a year until the emotional dust settles a bit.

Is a woman splitting from her husband with shared care leaving parenting?

@Lionsfan LOL. I don't believe a word of that. Suicide is what an emotionally abusive exh used on me too. Guess what, he wasn't suicidal, just a lazy controlling bastard.

When you have kids, your previous life ends. You created a life and now another one. The fact that you are considering leaving your poor wife to deal with it all alone is horrific. She's the one that has reason to be suicidal, being lied to by a man who has impregnated her and now is going to leave her pregnant and with a toddler. The worst kind of man.