Dad regret

[Lionsfan]

Hi all

First time poster here and I am in a bit of a pickle. Long story short:

My wife and I of 6.5 years have a 2 year old son. She is now expecting. To say we have had a rocky road of parenting is probably true, we have often fought and clashed and I have grown to realise that I don't love her and am in not love with her. She was desperate to have another child and I was less keen; not dead against it but reluctant for the main reason that I don't see her as the one for me.

I was quite ambivalent about having our first, but after a few missed periods and our relationship being in a better place then I got on board and was thrilled when she was pregnant. But the last few years I have started to wonder whether the life of 2 kids with my wife for life is really a life I want. I miss my days when I had more freedom and could explore my interests. I know that is a cliche and I bet 95% of parents feel the same but I simply regret the choices I have made. I am not happier than I was when I was single. I adore my son but I honestly believe that I would be a better parent if I was happier and alone/with someone else albeit the fall out of breaking up with my wife may well be very painful for everyone.

Over the last few weeks I again warmed to the idea of another baby and so we were trying but when I suspected (rightly) that she was pregnant I became remorseful and when she told me she was pregnant about 10 days ago I was crushed.

Now I am just so confused. Honestly, 10-15% of me is excited/positive and thinking may be this is for the best; that the next 2-3 years of more baby/toddler time will be tough but it will all be worth it. The difference is- that as true as that may be for every single parent- there is a love and a certainty with other couples that they are right for each other. And I am sure it's not healthy to feel as I do.

I may get shit for this in terms of how I would leave my wife in the lurch by leaving now or shortly after birth (or whenever) or by playing along and living a lie; but I honestly don't know what to do. Leave now and rip the band aid off to cause no more hurt or settle for a life that I don't think will make me happy and do my best to love, care for and provide for my family knowing there are far more people worse off than me and to live with my decisions. I could/should have made the decision to leave my wife or not have children long ago and I should live with the decision.

I see a therapist to talk through this very issue but she's away. My mom is aware of my feelings somewhat but not yet that my wife is pregnant. Any help or hard truths/constructive criticism is very welcome!

Thanks for reading.

Lions fan

Leave and put your kids into foster care so that your wife can also reclaim her freedom.

Essentially, by "reclaiming your freedom", what you're really proposing is doing a lot less childcare and paying a lot less money so that you have more time and money for yourself.

This will mean that your wife has less.

So it's only fair to give her the chance to opt out of parenthood alongside you.

It’s possible to be really good co parents post divorce but it’s still a lot of sacrifice (you need to be willing to stay geographically close by, be scrupulously fair with time and finances and not elevate any new partners over your existing children. Blending two existing families is really hard and best not attempted, same with ‘second families’).

The hurt from the failed relationship needs to heal and that takes time.

I know of couples who went to marriage guidance not to save the marriage but in order to break up as healthily as possible, to get it all out in the open with a mediator present.

You’ll never have the life you had before, but you will get a couple of nights a week alone (which may be a lot more miserable than you anticipate).

Exactly. How often do you see a woman come here and say the reason she wants to leave is to find someone else, live a single life and be able to pursue hobbies and get their old life back because they're not sure they want a family life anymore. What they come on here to do is ask how to secure the home and finances for the kids, to ask how co parenting could work, childcare while working, how to explain it to the kids...

There is a thread quite similar to this one by a woman who also had children after almost kicking her partner out as things weren’t that great and now feels trapped in an unwanted lifestyle. The answers were a lot more sympathetic.

God don't do this. If you're going to opt out of family life just leave and give her a chance to find someone better.

Please, stick around and raise your children in a family they deserve. Once they are old enough to understand why you’re leaving then you can go and have time for your “hobbies”. You can’t be selfish as a parent. Your kids are your absolute priority!

But then it's binary isn't it; stay and be "selfless" or go and be "selfish"; life is more complicated than that. Putting aside the point- backed up by research I believe- that kids are happier if their parents are happier; by which I mean would it better to give us both a chance to find someone else and be good parents or stay in a relationship which is ok (it's not toxic/abusive and there is no infidelity) and hope things get better.

I know I messed up, y'all can say that and I agree. My dilemma is what to do about it; when again the choices are not necessarily fuck off and be an absentee/part time Dad or sacrifice my feelings and shut the fuck up. I don't believe life is that simple.

Yes, I understand that. I’m just pointing out that in making those words spoken by a woman saying "he wasn’t keen" etc. it makes it sound as if the woman knew that, when in fact she didn’t.

I didn’t see that thread, but was she suggesting she leave the family home and her kids so she could concentrate on herself and her hobbies, and find someone new?

Personally, I would just power on through for a few years.
It would be horrific for your wife to hear all of this in early pregnancy, and also whilst trying to bring up a little boy.

Do any of us really feel we are with 'the one'?

I think many relationships go rapidly downhill after having kids. I remember reading somewhere not to split up in the first few years of having a baby. It's such good advice. We nearly split up about a hundred times in the first few years of having our children. They're now 4&7 and it's so much easier, they need you a lot less and you start to get a little bit of your old life back. You start to form a new relationship with your partner because you finally have a bit of time to focus on each other again. We now quite like each other after 5 years of wanting to kill each other.

Unless you absolutely can't stand her, I would stay and see if you can make it work.

Again - you dont know she didnt know

If it's the thread I'm thinking of, she wasn't proposing opting out of day-to-day parenting but was exhausted from doing it all almost completely on her own.

What about the thread that says I`ve ruined my life by having a family.
The comments on there are way way different than his thread.
She says she has nothing in common with her husband and misses her old life.
As i said above very two faced bullying.

So a woman a few days ago posts a very similar post. MNers falling over themselves to tell her she needs to focus on her own happiness and that her young children are better without two unhappy parents, life is too short etc

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5133585-ive-ruined-my-life-by-having-a-family?page=1

And you don’t know she did (and even the OP doesn’t say she did).

Snap!

We also don’t know that she did. The OP hasn’t suggested in any of his posts that she knows how he feels, so probably best to assume she doesn’t unless told otherwise.

To clear something up; I think she did at least on some level and said she wanted to have a child anyway even if we split up and that she just sees me as a sperm donor; albeit both were said in the heat of the moment/arguments but she knows I was at least doubtful.

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

Again, is she suggesting that she leaves her home and her kids to focus on herself and her hobbies, like the OP here is doing?

I'd love to hear the OP's wife's version of this shitshow.

Do NOT leave your pregnant wife. I cannot believe you are having to ask this. You can have your freedom in 18 years.

Those saying leave now - wife doesn't work (I assume mutual agreement). She's pregnant. She isn't going to be able to get a job pregnant, won't qualify for funded maternity leave, and won't be able to get a job until baby is several months old.

While she will qualify for some benefits, I hope OP has a plan for how he's going to afford his own place, fund the former marital home until his wife can get employment at a decent level because she should not be pregnant living in poverty because of his fuck up, and these wonderful hobbies and lifestyle he wants with his freedom.

So you’re not sure if you want family life with 2dc… but have 2 dc so it’s a bit late unless you want to abandon your dc. You made your choice and that cannot be undone so not having dc isn’t an option. You can choose to lay in the bed you made or abandon your responsibilities. Those are your options and you can try to justify it as much as you like to yourself.

but thats the thing - we only know what he has told us.

1. he could have been YAY Lets have a baby!!
2. he could have been completely against the idea and SHE wanted one so badly she ignored what her gut was telling us

Only way we will know, is if the 2 of them sit together and answer questions, and only in person.... which can never happen

I'm saying that she probably does know, and doesnt want to believe it