Dad regret

[Lionsfan]

Hi all

First time poster here and I am in a bit of a pickle. Long story short:

My wife and I of 6.5 years have a 2 year old son. She is now expecting. To say we have had a rocky road of parenting is probably true, we have often fought and clashed and I have grown to realise that I don't love her and am in not love with her. She was desperate to have another child and I was less keen; not dead against it but reluctant for the main reason that I don't see her as the one for me.

I was quite ambivalent about having our first, but after a few missed periods and our relationship being in a better place then I got on board and was thrilled when she was pregnant. But the last few years I have started to wonder whether the life of 2 kids with my wife for life is really a life I want. I miss my days when I had more freedom and could explore my interests. I know that is a cliche and I bet 95% of parents feel the same but I simply regret the choices I have made. I am not happier than I was when I was single. I adore my son but I honestly believe that I would be a better parent if I was happier and alone/with someone else albeit the fall out of breaking up with my wife may well be very painful for everyone.

Over the last few weeks I again warmed to the idea of another baby and so we were trying but when I suspected (rightly) that she was pregnant I became remorseful and when she told me she was pregnant about 10 days ago I was crushed.

Now I am just so confused. Honestly, 10-15% of me is excited/positive and thinking may be this is for the best; that the next 2-3 years of more baby/toddler time will be tough but it will all be worth it. The difference is- that as true as that may be for every single parent- there is a love and a certainty with other couples that they are right for each other. And I am sure it's not healthy to feel as I do.

I may get shit for this in terms of how I would leave my wife in the lurch by leaving now or shortly after birth (or whenever) or by playing along and living a lie; but I honestly don't know what to do. Leave now and rip the band aid off to cause no more hurt or settle for a life that I don't think will make me happy and do my best to love, care for and provide for my family knowing there are far more people worse off than me and to live with my decisions. I could/should have made the decision to leave my wife or not have children long ago and I should live with the decision.

I see a therapist to talk through this very issue but she's away. My mom is aware of my feelings somewhat but not yet that my wife is pregnant. Any help or hard truths/constructive criticism is very welcome!

Thanks for reading.

Lions fan

Well I guess we can ask the OP can’t we… OP, did you tell her prior to impregnating her that you weren’t sure if you loved her, that you’re happier alone and that you didn’t really want another baby?

OP, sorry you're getting a hard time here.

Ignore all the browbeating you're getting, and be honest with yourself. The fact you've posted this tells me you want to leave, but you feel you need someone else to tell you it's okay.

You're going to hurt your wife, but you'll be hurting her by staying too at this point. Just be honest, leave, but do the right thing by her and your children.

Wow, just wow!

Did you choose your user name because you model your version of fatherhood on that practiced by male lions?

This is probably a goady post. Surely nobody is that lacking in self awareness... Although...

My friend's husband did this. Got her pregnant, encouraged and supported her to keep the baby and then left her before he was born completely out of the blue and brokenher heart. Absolute scumbag. She's doing amazing now with a wonderful man who has stepped up and treats them as they deserve to be treated. Funnily enough her ex is miserable and their older kids hate him. Good luck mate.

Adding the bit in bold, as you have done, changes things completely. It is saying that she knew he thought she wasn’t the one for him, but the OP doesn’t say that. So if you’re trying to say there’s bias you are moving the goalposts.

The title of this should be “deadbeat dad alert” rather than “dad regret.”

That is exactly why he's getting a hard time!
Its not rocket science or anti male bias - do you really think people should congratulate someone who does this to their partner- male or female?

OP you have effectively been living a lie.
And you have compounded that lie by knowingly impregnating your wife to keep the lie going.

You didn't give her a choice.

It's dishonest and you should tell her what you are really feeling, so that she does now have a choice. It won't be pleasant but it is so cruel to keep her in the dark like this and now there is another baby on the way, another human who will be affected by your lack of judgement and honesty. I doubt your wife would have chosen this path if she knew how you really feel.

🤣

She apparently doesn’t know that he doesn’t think she is “the one” and has been planning to leave her for years. He is lying to her.

That'd be all very well if he was posting about his commitment to a 50/50 split, but he wants the freedom to pursue his interests - it's not just his wife he wants everyone to bless him for leaving, it's the two children he actively choose to try to conceive.

This isn't about leaving a partner but about seeking absolution for leaving his children.

“And I bet 95% of parents feel the same way”

No. No they don’t. Most of us wanted kids, we had them because we chose to-we loved raising them and then when they’re older we look forward to the lives we lead when they’re grown up as well.
The only ones that feel that way are the ones who had kids without putting any thought into the little life you’re creating.

Honestly? You’re the worst kind of human. If you want to come out of this with the tiniest amount of common decency, then own up to your poor wife what an awful person you are, how you’re incapable of making adult decisions, you’re incapable of creating a life with any forethought about what kind of life you’re giving that poor child, and leave. Leave her and give her the chance to find someone who deserves her, appreciates her and will put her and her kids first.
You don’t deserve her or the children.

Awful. Just awful

Is there another woman in the background, OP?

I was wondering because men never leave unless there's a replacement cook/maid/sex object waiting in the wings.

For men it's never "Should I take the kids and leave my wife?" It's always "Should I leave my wife and kids?"

Like it's genetically natural for them to walk away.

Is this a mirror image of the other thread where an op that is a woman says that having a family ruined her life? It sounds very similar but from a man's point of view.

Do you really need a therapist to tell you that you are just a sad little man?

leave my wife in the lurch
What an understatement. And really interesting that you view your choices as either to stay as a family unit, or that you to leave and explore your hobbies and find someone else/live a single life. Not that you should separate and parent 50/50. You know, actually do half the work, take half the financial hit and half the responsibility for what you've done and the choices you've made. You just think all that should fall entirely on her, except maybe CMS which won't cover half of what it costs to raise a child you have created. All so you can go off and play golf or whatever shit is more important to you than you children. Yeah no shit you're going to get short shrift on a parenting site.

So, she's not the one for you. But you willingly got her pregnant. You selfish twat.

I think, in a good, respectful relationship you can have some freedom to explore your interests-in terms of you say to your wife hey, how about we each have one evening a week to do what we like, what day would you like? I will cook tea, tidy up the days toys, do the washing up etc etc and do bedtime, you go and have a nice time doing whatever. And then a couple of days later I'll go for an evening run.

But I suspect OP means he wants to come home from work, where he's had a lunch break to spend how he wanted, sit on the sofa whilst his wife does the parenting, and then fuck off out four nights a week and both weekend days doing his hobby.

Go on, leave your poor pregnant wife to raise two very young children practically alone so you can have your freedom back. Then find yourself a girlfriend who whilst initially fits with your idea of freedom, soon wants marriage and a baby themselves. So then you're a father with even more children, doing the baby toddler years again when you're older and more tired, whilst trying to navigate parenting your older children too. Your "freedom" is then delayed because instead of waiting until two children are old enough to take care of themselves, you're waiting until child 3, or 4 is an older teen, and you're considerably worse off financially, what with all the children to provide for. Meanwhile your first wife has genuinely got her freedom back, is happy having survived your breakup and doesn't need to rely on anyone else anymore. Maybe with her increased confidence she gets a younger boyfriend to enjoy that freedom with. I hope she's happy eventually, and that you don't ultimately regret your "life choices" all over again.

"I adore my son but I honestly believe that I would be a better parent if I was happier and alone/with someone else…" Yeah, right. How would you be a better parent? Would you be the one to buy and wash his clothes, buy and cook his meals and make sure he eats healthily, look after him when he’s ill, get up to him in the night if he cries, cope with his tantrums, comfort him when he falls over or falls out with his friends, get him to school on time in the future and make sure he does his homework, etc. etc.? Or were you just thinking about happily playing football with him every other weekend?

Look, this is very similar to another recent thread in which the woman was missing her single life, not particularly in love with her husband and thinking about the fallout from leaving.

My advice would be the same:

Wake up and realise your single life is gone. There is no going back to it. There is just the choice between staying with your wife and working to make life happy for everyone or leaving and becoming a 50% Dad: someone who is fully responsible for 2 children for 50% of the week - with all the impact that has on careers, social life, pensions etc. Or someone who sees them less but pays much more in maintenance.

I think both ways have pros and cons tbh but what you must shake yourself our of is all this rose coloured woe-is-me introspection and imagining your past life as so wonderful or imagining how brilliant it would be (for you) if you left. Your past life is dead and both roads have some positive points but are also very hard for everyone - including you (if you do them right).

You are NOT a good man

enough said (she’s better off without you)

He does say "with someone else". So I suspect he has a replacement maid wife already lined up.

Sorry but this is a typical man to afraid to actually voice his feelings and concerns and instead ruins everyone's lives ? If you're going to leave do it now the 3 of them will be better off for it in the long run. I feel very sorry for your poor wife and child. I know you think you will be happier alone but I'm betting if you go through with it you will realise how empty and lonely your life will be without your family and the damage will be done at that stage .

Sadly you’re probably right.