Dad regret

[Lionsfan]

Hi all

First time poster here and I am in a bit of a pickle. Long story short:

My wife and I of 6.5 years have a 2 year old son. She is now expecting. To say we have had a rocky road of parenting is probably true, we have often fought and clashed and I have grown to realise that I don't love her and am in not love with her. She was desperate to have another child and I was less keen; not dead against it but reluctant for the main reason that I don't see her as the one for me.

I was quite ambivalent about having our first, but after a few missed periods and our relationship being in a better place then I got on board and was thrilled when she was pregnant. But the last few years I have started to wonder whether the life of 2 kids with my wife for life is really a life I want. I miss my days when I had more freedom and could explore my interests. I know that is a cliche and I bet 95% of parents feel the same but I simply regret the choices I have made. I am not happier than I was when I was single. I adore my son but I honestly believe that I would be a better parent if I was happier and alone/with someone else albeit the fall out of breaking up with my wife may well be very painful for everyone.

Over the last few weeks I again warmed to the idea of another baby and so we were trying but when I suspected (rightly) that she was pregnant I became remorseful and when she told me she was pregnant about 10 days ago I was crushed.

Now I am just so confused. Honestly, 10-15% of me is excited/positive and thinking may be this is for the best; that the next 2-3 years of more baby/toddler time will be tough but it will all be worth it. The difference is- that as true as that may be for every single parent- there is a love and a certainty with other couples that they are right for each other. And I am sure it's not healthy to feel as I do.

I may get shit for this in terms of how I would leave my wife in the lurch by leaving now or shortly after birth (or whenever) or by playing along and living a lie; but I honestly don't know what to do. Leave now and rip the band aid off to cause no more hurt or settle for a life that I don't think will make me happy and do my best to love, care for and provide for my family knowing there are far more people worse off than me and to live with my decisions. I could/should have made the decision to leave my wife or not have children long ago and I should live with the decision.

I see a therapist to talk through this very issue but she's away. My mom is aware of my feelings somewhat but not yet that my wife is pregnant. Any help or hard truths/constructive criticism is very welcome!

Thanks for reading.

Lions fan

Tale as old as time. Leave the old wife, new wife does the parenting for you EOW. And he pats himself on the back for doing the kind thing and leaving her.

You are going to get ripped to shreds on here. Rightly so. Selfish git.

I assume by saying you’ll be a ‘better dad’ you mean you’ll do your 50% of the parenting? Half the night wakings, half the illnesses, half the school runs, half the clothes buying, half the school holiday childcare, half the help with spellings/times tables/homework, half the clubs/hobbies etc etc? Surely you don’t mean that you’ll have him every other weekend and take him for the odd McDonald’s, while paying your ex wife the bare minimum CMS calculation?

My brother did this to his wife, so I am projecting here.

started to wonder whether the life of 2 kids with my wife for life is really a life I want. I miss my days when I had more freedom and could explore my interests

He said the same almost word for word what he meant was he wanted to mess around and pretend he was a teenager again. He quickly found the world doesn't work like that.

He made babies then decided he didn't fancy it anymore as it wasn't fun. I can't be doing with weak, immature men who don't commit or own their actions. 25 odd years later he lives a bit of a weird lonely life, didn't get to walk his dd down the aisle, finds himself alone at Christmas, and doesn't see much of his granddaughter.

If you don't love your wife and don't want to continue the relationship, she deserves to know today so she can make a decision if she wants to continue the pregnancy and whether she will be a single mum to one or two children.

I miss my days when I had more freedom and could explore my interests.

Those days have long gone.
You already have a child and having a second isn’t going to give you any more or less freedom.

It sounds like you might just be having a wobble about having a second child, which is completely normal.

Give yourself a couple of days and then on the weekend have a talk to your wife and tell her everything.

She can decide whether she wants to carry on and try and make it work as a family or separate sooner rather than later.

Not likely he'll be here to read it though. It appears he's a one-post fuck-and-run wonder.

Ironic really, that seems to be his MO in real-life too.

So what's your plan? How will you fulfill all your grand plans for freedom and a new gf when you're going to be parenting 50/50? Or you going to be every other weekend kind of dad? Have you sorted out how much maintenance you'll pay and have a 3 bed set up for you and your 2 kids?
Whyyyyyy did you agree to try for another child when you barely want the first one and want to jump ship? Tell your wife what's going on in your head so she can decide if she wants to continue this pregnancy. She needs to know the full picture.
Are you really unhappy or just unhappy in the tough drudgery of life with small kids? As those are 2 different things

So many relationships founder when children come along - You should never have entertained a second child, as you were uncertain about the first, just used condoms or had a vasectomy.

Two more 'fatherless' children.. Divorce is expensive, child maintenance is expensive- Children shuttled between two homes..

Another man may well have a relationship with your ex wife and be bringing up your children 50 percent of the time.

Lots to think about.

Oh honestly just get fucked. She chose to have unprotected sex with a man she trusts and who she thought was also on board with having another child. That's how having children in a relationship generally works. I'm sure she wouldn't have chosen to have unprotected sex if she'd known he was dreaming of the fucking single life!

When you say “rip the band aid off and cause no more hurt”, what hurt have you caused so far?

Oh ffs. Seriously? You deliberately make two babies with this woman but you're not sure she's the one? YOU feel trapped?

Yes honestly I think you need to get a fucking grip, grow up, stop being so fucking selfish and self-absorbed and show up for your wife and family. You have freely made this bed for yourself and I think you should lie in it. There's more to life than sexual fulfillment.

Maybe you should have thought all this through before you got married and had children. Your wife can't win. You stay with her and she lives her life with a selfish man baby, wistful for his single life and probably resenting her... or you leave her as a single parent with two children.
Honestly grow up, accept your responsibilities and be grateful for what you have.
You arent unique, you arent the only parent who finds the early years tough and has the occasional longing for your single life.. but most of us get on with it instead of focusing on our own needs.

This doesn't even make sense. The problem with your hypothetical is that the wife has no idea he feels this way. You're assuming she knows he's a flaky deadbeat dad but She has no idea and is pregnant with another baby that gets actively tried for. I doubt there would be a new baby in the mix if she did

He’s her husband not a one night stand!

Her perception of her marriage is probably very different from her husband’s.

Men like you ought to come with a warning tattooed on their forehead.

Your poor wife, completely oblivious to your inner thoughts of leaving her to find yourself.

HOW FUCKING CLICHE.

My DH is a good one but, urgh, men. Oh, and your children will never respect you.

I can’t believe this is real.

If you feel crushed and confused in living your lie, spare a thought for how your wife is feeling on the other end of your selfish immaturity and flippant poor choices.
You have screwed up her life every which way you look at it, while you swan off into the sunset leaving her devastated.

Tell her today that you no longer love her, aren’t in love with her and made a mistake wanting this baby. Don’t delay. Allow her time to make her own decision over this pregnancy that you no longer want.

Or,

You could try growing up and being accountable for your actions instead of regretting them because the grass might have been greener for you elsewhere. Start by realising that children, your own flesh and blood, are not disposable. Dedicate yourself to making them happy and you might even find that in selflessly giving instead of taking and using, you find some level of contentment yourself.

I can’t help feeling you will be endlessly chasing ‘freedom’ for the rest of your life. I reckon they are better off without you anyway.

You need to grow up. Married life is often like that, full of compromises. The chances are if you met someone else you would feel the same as you do after a while.

There are different kinds of love, it's not all highly romantic, it can be settling comfortably and being fond of someone. As time goes on, it changes again and couples often re-capture what they had when first together.

I can't believe you do not love your wife at all, there must be something there. You will soon have two small children to look after and you must pull together with your wife to ensure their happiness and security.

If, in several years, you still feel the grass is greener and are unhappy, reconsider but now is not the right time. You have responsibilities.

You don't say how old you are, Lion, and of course you don't have to but if you have been married six and a half years, the chances are you are not a young lad any more, probably early thirties - I'm assuming you are male, you could be a woman.

Manchild throws wobbly because he's not having as much fun as he would like.

i’m going to go ahead and assume you will be having the kids 50:50 then? They are your kids after all.

Please at least tell her now so she had the option of a termination before you waltz off to your wonderful new life and leave her with two small children. If she does have a termination the very least you can do is go with her and look after her - no business about leaving her to take the bus or whatever.

The thing is though even with one child your life will not be the life of a single childless person. You will still have responsibilities to look after your child, sometimes on your own. You will be paying maintenance and losing half your assets. Also, your friends will largely have settled down and will no longer be available for the social life you once had - they will be spending more time with their wives and families. A lot of women discovering your history wouldn't touch you with a bargepole - it's hard to dress up that you just got bored with parenting and you decided to leave when your wife got pregnant with your planned second child. There is something sad about men who have these midlife crises. I suppose you'll be buying a motorbike next. Those long bike rides will give you something to do while you're evading your responsibilities.

I’m not at all sorry he’s getting a hard time. If it’s a real situation, he fully deserves it. Just because he "wants" to leave, that doesn’t mean it’s the right thing for him to do. The need for instant gratification and putting one's own wishes ahead of everyone else's needs is pure childish selfishness.

Did you tell your wife before you started trying for a baby that you had been questioning your relationship for years? Either the first baby, or the second?

Even if you're in a "good patch" at the time, she has the right to know that her husband has been on the fence for several years so she can decide whether it's worth the risk of single parenthood.

I actually don't have words for how cruel and selfish you've been.

Tell her now so she can choose to be a single parent to one child or two children.

And work on your earning power because you’ll need to financially support your existing child/ren while also paying for your own household expenses on a property large enough to house the kids on the days you have them.

Don’t bank on getting a new girlfriend anytime soon - men who marry and then scurry off when the child rearing gets dull aren’t particularly sexy (unless you are a millionaire but even then you’ll probably attract younger women with preexisting trauma caused by their own fathers).

Very few couples spend their entire marriages thinking that their spouse is 100% The One and Only for whole lifetimes, but at least if you tell your wife now she’ll still have plenty of time to find a partner who appreciates her more than you seem to.

No love between my brother and his partner. They have stayed together as they have 3 children under the age of 11. Don't walk out on your children. Stay for them. They need a dad.
Try to coparent. Even if your relationship becomes a friendship, that is OK.