Today I was told I have cancer. I'm sat alone at home to digest the news

[Scaredandworried98]

DH has gone out, it was planned. He asked if I minded him going. DC don't knowl and are doing own things. I messaged a friend to suggest a chat but she isn't picking up. I had told her today was diagnoses day but she's forgotten. We all have busy lives. I'm not going to tell friends over a message. Im purposely not googling it. I feel helpless waiting for the next hospital appt. Waiting to find out more.

Just wanted a hand hold

I won't sleep tonight. Any recommendations for Netflix/prime binge sets ?

@ponk I really don't know why. I just am. I am so embarrassed and shamed. Not because of any lifestyle choices I've made. I'm just utterly ashamed. I feel like it's a dirty secret. I would be mortified if people at work knew (other than boss).I don't know why but I'm utterly embarrassed that we had to tell my inlaws even though I get on well with them.

OP you have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. This is not something dirty nor self inflicted. You are in shock. Be kind to yourself.
Have they given you an explanation and plan you understand and a prognosis?

@Scaredandworried98

I'm very sorry to hear of this, OP.

Would the Macmillan Thyroid Cancer forum be a source of suitable support and wise counsel for you?

community.macmillan.org.uk/cancer_types/thyroid-cancer-forum?

@otravezempezamosi have a treatment plan. First thing is a scan to see if its spread. I have to have dye in me for the scan. I'm probably going to be hysterical for this. I am dreading the thought of it.

Thinking of you op! I'm so very sorry 😔

I know it’s absolutely fucking terrifying, but if you are going to have any kind of cancer, thyroid cancer is one to have. It has one of the highest +5 year survival rates of any kind of cancer. I think you need to speak to your doctor so you are not so paralyzed with fear. You’ve got this, kiddo!!!

I had the dye scan when I had Grave’s disease (a thyroid condition). You won’t notice the dye and it won’t hurt or feel uncomfortable in any way (you may have a needle in your hand or arm but nothing worse than that). I’m sure it’s the results you are more afraid of but please don’t be too nervous about the actual procedure (easier said than done). Once you know OP you will have a clearer idea. The uncertainty must be awful.
One thing I will say is please feel free to put people straight about making armchair diagnoses and trying to make you see the positive. When my aunt had breast cancer (fortunately a very treatable form) she was so irritated with the at least it’s not XXX form, at least you didn’t need a mastectomy, the prognosis sounds good, that sounds positive’ etc. set them straight. It’s shit. It’s cancer not a broken nail and I am allowed to feel shit and hard done by. I don’t have to feel fortunate snd see the positive. I agree with her, your feelings and any reactions are valid, even if it makes them uncomfortable, and it’s time for everyone to rally round you.

Sending (((((HUGS))))))!!

@thesquaremile atm I can't bear to be part of any cancer related websites. But I appreciate your support. In my warped mind, being part would mean I'm a cancer patient. I don't want to be a cancer patient.

Apologies if my comments offend. They are not meant to. Just my own thoughts.

Hi @Scaredandworried98

Just a hand hold from me. I had thyroid cancer confirmed back in December 2018 and had my thyroid out in January 2019, radioactive iodine treatment in the May. Although it is no picnic, as others have said it's one of the most treatable. I do understand though - I found out just after Christmas and I felt so scared and numb.

Look up Butterfly Thyroid Cancer Trust. They have brilliant information and they are the ones who go around renovating radioiodine rooms to make them feel cheery and welcoming. Also the Facebook groups for thyroid cancer are very supportive.

I am here just over 5 years after my radioiodine treatment and have had a pretty straightforward time. I am soon going to be transferred fully from oncology to endocrinology care. They do look after you. I feel calm now but in those early days I think I cried every single day x.

To be perfectly honest, the bit that I found the most painful was the biopsy bit, which presumably you've already had? The surgery was ok and only a few days of discomfort and a little bruising a few days in. The worst bit was sore throat from the general anaesthetic that is common after an operation. The radioiodine treatment was actually fine as well. Quite a nice break actually. No actual symptoms from being radioactive that I noticed - I felt pretty normal.

I hope you get through the coming weeks of uncertainty and please reach out for support should you need it.

PS. I cried every day from finding out until the day of my surgery - after my surgery I felt lots calmer and hope you will be too. I was surprised how quickly and how well my neck healed - it was a matter of a few weeks and now I don't even remember it is there. Taking tablets daily and a yearly appointment and ultrasound have been the only things to remind me the last few years.

@UpsyDaisysarmpit ty for sharing your story. I've had half my thyroid out (plus biopsy beforehand).can I just ask - you're dismissed from oncology 5 years later ? Why did it take so long, if you don't mind me asking.
I don't want to be part of oncology. I don't want to be a cancer patient. I don't want any of this shit. I'm in shock and huge denial. I know that. I want my life back. But that, as I previously knew it, has now gone. I'm just left with shit

My consultant told me that 80-90% of thyroids he deals with are benign. I'm in the 10% non- benign. Then I read that that the cure rate for thyroid cancer is 90%. You can guess what I read from that.

@Scaredandworried98 mine was papillary thyroid cancer. I was only under oncology for so long because I was producing thyroglobulin antibodies (quite a common thing, harmless other than the fact it does skew blood test readings sometimes, so they keep the yearly ultrasound of the neck going as an extra safeguard).

So they are planning to take out the other side? I had lumps in both sides and opted to have it all out in one go as per their advice at the time. I hope it goes well for you.💐

@UpsyDaisysarmpit yes they will remove the other one too. Plus radioactive iodine treatment. They never told me what type I have and now I'm too scared to find out/ask.
I just can't believe this is happening to me. It's a living nightmare. I've never been ill in my life apart from the usual cold.
I feel v v v v v hard done by.
I can't bear to face my in-laws through embarrassment. I don't know why specifically my in laws.

I don't want to be part of oncology. I don't want to be a cancer patient. I don't want any of this shit. I'm in shock and huge denial. I know that. I want my life back. But that, as I previously knew it, has now gone. I'm just left with shit
None of us wanted to be cancer patients or wanted any of this shit! And yet, here we are. My advice would be to accept that you're still in shock and that at some stage the usually unflappable, capable OP will emerge to deal with it all and there's nothing wrong in taking time to process it. Also, there is nothing dirty about having cancer so, unless your in-laws are a separate breed of unsympathetic morons, they will be there to support you however and whenever you let them in. Sending you a huge hug and telling you that you can do this 😘

There is nothing shaming about having cancer and nothing to be embarrassed about. There are many reasons why people get all sorts of different things. My Granny had lung cancer, she had never smoked in her life and rarely went in a pub, and by rarely I mean once every few years.

It isn't your fault you have got this so stop blaming yourself. Cancer is totally random. It doesn't care how old you are, or about your lifestyle or your financial situation. People from all walks of life get it including the King of England and the Princess of Wales. You need to keep your strength up to deal with it. You are so far from even thinking about your funeral, you haven't been handed a death sentence. At this stage all you have is the diagnosis. As soon as you start with the treatment plan and speak to the specialists and McMillan nurses they will talk you through everything and help you understand what is going to happen.

Once you start to tell people and say the word cancer it will get easier. It is no longer the taboo subject it once was. If you can't yet tell your friends and family try the Samaritans who will listen without judgement 116 123. You can ring them any time.

I used to take a friend for chemo and there was great camaraderie between all the people there, I was amazed at how jolly everyone was. It was truly inspiring and uplifting.

Please stop beating yourself up and look after yourself instead.

My immediate family member had your reaction to her diagnosis, the embarrassment was partially due to it being bowel cancer; she was obsessed with the idea people might talk about it/her. She then realised the 'secret' wasn't sustainable and that the support from friends and fellow cancer survivors/ patients was actually invaluable.

Your secrecy will make it hard on your family members too. There is nothing to be embarrassed about.
I am sorry you are going through this op, but it's better with support than without I promise.

I was pretty private about my cancer diagnosis, I didn't tell anyone at work, although I did tell friends and family, and I didn't want to restrict my DD in who she told and got support from so people did know, but I didn't want it to be the first thing that people thought about me or constantly did the head tilt or arm touch and asked "how are you?" When I was just mooching around Sainsbury's! It's just over two years since my diagnosis and although it never completely goes away, there are long periods of time during the day when I don't think about it, and it does feel a bit like it happened to a different person.

One of the worst bits is right at the beginning when you don't really know what you're working with or what's going to happen, it does get better as things get more defined. I know exactly what you mean by looking at other people and thinking they all don't have cancer. Also the posters, there's someone who regularly wears a running top to yoga classes that's got Macmillan on it, some sort of fundraiser, maybe she's had cancer herself I don't know but she's quite young so less likely, but basically I don't really want to be reminded during a yoga class about cancer, but there we are you can't really stop people doing other things and it's good that people want to fundraise, but I think unless people have been there, they don't really notice that sort of stuff.

The ongoing cancer threads on here have been a lifesaver for me, both in terms of advice but also camaraderie. Good luck!

I can't accept the diagnosis and never want to or will do. I am not a cancer patient. I don't want any part of the mcmillan support network. I'm sure they are a great support for those who want it.
I don't want people whispering about me, commenting, making judgement.l and Nudging othes as I walk past. For me, It just feels so very shameful. I have banned my DH from telling any of his friends. He's not one to dicuss his feelings with friends, ever. So he's not missing out on support for himself.

I'm barely functioning. The DC don't know. I'm due to go away with friends next week. Its all paid for and arranged. I cannot drop out. The consultant said perfectly fine for me to go. How am I going to spend a week abroad and keep up the pretence of having fun when all I want to do is shut myself away, cry, scream. 1 of the friends knows about this. I won't tell the others.

I want to smash my phone up with a hammer to make all the NHS letters, messages & appts go away

On the plus side, I won't be doing anything socially so I'll save lots of money. Not that having the spare cash will be of any benefit to me now after this shit show. I've cancelled my sports membership. I won't be going there. It took 6 weeks after my last op before I was allowed to step back into a gym again. I went back once but my rhythm was lost and my mindset shot to pieces. With the same op coming up and the possibility of severe isolation from the radioactive iodine treatment, I won't be going anywhere. I loved the gym & swimming. That's all gone now.

You are right when you say your life will never be the same again…..it won’t …not ever……how you deal with it from now on is up to you…..we all have to deal with it in our own way….good luck OP

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.

Can the hospital fast track you for mental health support in light of your diagnosis? It would be confidential - maybe even online if you feel that would be better for you.

Gently, it does sound as though you really need the help, especially if you are likely to be in isolation for a time due to the treatment.

@MintyCedric I recognise the mental health issues this is causing me. I can see me having a breakdown or severe mental health episode at the hospital (scan) today or in my surgery reception. I've put a call out to the Dr for tranquiliers/sleeping tablets/diazepam/ anything to knock me out and numb the pain and torture

genuinely not saying this to be provocative, and you might not be in the right frame of mind to hear this right now.

But I am saying it in the hope that it will make you more optimistic, although I am a bit worried it will make you angry. sorry if it does

Having cancer has made me a happier person. I nearly died, I looked back at my life and found I was happy with the decisions I had made, and the routes I had taken, that gave me peace. There was one or two things that I should have done differently, and I put them right, or accepted them s unchangeable now - that gave me peace too.

I still could die, but I live for today, and enjoy myself every opportunity I get, I tell my loved ones I love them, and hug them a lot, and spend time with them.

My body isn't the same, but I have found new challenges now, ie, doing couch to 5k (now for the fourth time!) rather than 30 mile runs. But that is ok

Physically I had some unpleasant things done, but it wasn't too bad, I struggle a bit,(now classed as disabled) but again, not too bad.

I am back at work part time, which gives me the perfect work life balance, and I don't think I will go full time again.

I am enjoying today, happy because I am physically comfortable, and not too restricted today. lazing in bed with high quality coffee right now, and I don't bother with cheap coffee anymore!

I am clearing out my house bit by bit, as I know my life is likely to be shorter now, and I want to leave things in good order. It is satisfying and interesting, and I share old memories with friends on whatsapp as I come across them - so that is the morning.

Lunch is with a friend, I have cooked something tasty and healthy, and we will have a lovely natter, and probably a walk in the woods in the afternoon.

Evening, my daughter is coming for a chinese takeaway and a film.

Life is good, I am happier than I have ever been. If I hadn't had cancer, I would be at work today, as I always was, my house would be total chaos still, I would be training hard for the next event, no plans to see daughter, not have hugged her in the last month, still on the treadmill, still no clear idea or overview of my life, what I have acheived and still want to achieve, no health lunch ready prepared in the fridge, no old friends caught up with and still seeing regularly, and life was good then, but it is better now.

I am telling you so you see there is another way of feeling, and you might be able to find it. I have attended support groups, I have found great friends there, and we support each other