New low for me , ghosted by my therapist

[HowMuchShouldBePaid]

Ive had a short course of therapy (12 sessions) 2nd time ive seen this particular therapist.

On our last session he said he didn't have any more room to see me and was fully booked untill next year. Offered links to other local therapists.

I have emailed twice 2 Weeks ago, 4 weeks ago) asking if he would reserve space for next year. No response.

I emailed from another account and got a response within 12,hours . Offering a trail session etc etc

I was going to therapy due to low self esteem and my "voice not being heard". ,seems even my therapist can ignore my voice 😔

Why ghost me , that just seems really unprofessional.

FFS I'm going to need therapy for my therapy !!

OP understands that.

I was happy to wait untill next year , he said he was busy untill then, tbh I'm paying myself so it takes time to save up.

But being ignored , for me, is worse than being told the truth.

She was asking to book an appointment in the new year! How is that unreasonable?

I remember seeing a therapist who I just didn't click with. Somebody else would have benefitted from her approach/personality. I didn't go back to her after 2 sessions. It was never personal but I could tell I would get nowhere with her.

Perhaps your therapist just didn't 'click' with you and felt he wasn't the person to help you. Sometimes the connection is there, sometimes it's not. They're only human too.

Look on it as a blessing. You will find a therapist who 'gets' you and will be better suited to helping you.

No, he told her he has no space for her. He hasn’t said he won’t work with her again.

I'm a therapist, and I agree with you OP that he's handled this badly. Pretty gutless to end (or decline to continue therapy) in this way. A skilled therapist would find a way of talking about this with you clearly, honestly, and sensitively. There are all sorts of reasons why a therapist might feel they're not a good match with their client, and there's nothing wrong with that, but swerving a tricky conversation risks backfiring, as you've experienced!

I hope you find another more courageous therapist soon.

In our last session he said I was "important" to him , which was a bit , I don't know,"odd" ,

I'm his client , just that, I don't need to matter to him as such.

Obvs not that important if I'm meant to guess what "I don't have space untill next year " actually means

There you go! Maybe he caught feelings

I don't agree with this.
A therapist would absolutely not lie to a patient. It's completely unethical and against their values.
If they wanted to let the patient down, they would know how to navigate that conversation and would have it.

Evidently he does literally have availability and I can see why you're upset by this. However I don't think the relationship sounds healthy if you're willing to wait a for months / a year to continue therapy again with him. If you need more therapy, get it now from someone else with availability. The fake account is not healthy and maybe you need to explore why it is so hurtful to you that you need to investigate the truth.

There's also the option that it's nothing to do with you and he's experiencing countertransference. Maybe the way you tell stories reminds him of his mum and when you're speaking he's overwhelmed with feelings of anger that have nothing to do with you but everything to do with how she'd leave him looking after his sister while she went out dancing with her friends. Maybe your concentrating look is just like his daughters and he's having to resist the urge to act like a protective dad instead of the therapist you need.

Therapists do experience countertransference and are encouraged to bring it up in supervision. If it's not something he can easily get over and it's brought up some things he needs to explore in his own therapy, it could very well be ethically wrong to continue if he feels he can't remain professional and do a good job.

I'm not sure how they've advised to explain this. Yes perhaps a vague "I cannot help you" would be more professional but if he knows you have self esteem issues maybe he knows it would make you panic it was you. Maybe he thought a white lie was kinder, especially if it had nothing to do with you and wasn't anything you needed to do differently.

Of course I'm making all of this up. But the truth is we have no idea. Whatever we imagine to be the case, we are making it all up. Perhaps it would be a good thing to bring up with your next therapist.

I get not all client / therapist relationships work out but at least say that ,not the therapist equivalent of "we must do lunch" ffs

But being ignored , for me, is worse than being told the truth.

I get you. It’s hard, the not ever knowing why. Please do keep looking because there a lot of great counsellors out there,

OP, you obviously weren't clear that he didn't want to see you anymore and he should have made clear you understood that.

Pls don't listen to the gaslighty responses here that blame you for not reading between the lines of his apparent politeness. I wonder if these people have actually seen a therapist? Because assuming how he behaved is normal is actually bonkers. Any therapist would work towards being able to express your needs and putting boundaries in place if you as a client behaved like that.

He should have told you that he doesn't think he can help you much because he's not working with xyz problem or similar and not end things on such an ambiguous note.

Having said that it's probably for the best. His behaviour is obviously triggering you and he isn't taking accountability. Best to find someone who communicates with your honestly.

I agree - but the truth is sometimes hard to hear

Or when he said he didn’t have availability, he meant just that

sometimes the feeling of rejection is unbearable so it’s actually easier for the brain to concoct a complex story of oh the person is lying or they’re not a very good therapist or they haven’t told me the truth rather than just accepting that what he told you is true - he doesn’t have availability for you

Tbh ,it's totally put me off therapy ,and that's a shame as I found it very helpful, I could only afford 12 sessions every year or so and found actually putting money aside that was just for me was almost as important as the therapy itself .
😞

This.

A skilled and ethical therapist would be honest with their client about why they wouldn’t continue with a client. They may need a little break in between sessions to plan what they’re going to say or they may speak to their supervisor, but honesty and transparency are basic tenets of the therapeutic relationship.

Also, I'm sad to see a number of posters sounding disapproving of you being "overly" attached or too needy. Feeling dependence/neediness towards your therapist (and therefore being prepared to wait for months to resume work with them) can be such an important part of the process. Absolutely nothing wrong with it. Obviously it's something that should be gently explored, though, and if the therapist can't offer this then they really should be clear rather than fudging it.

sometimes the feeling of rejection is unbearable so it’s actually easier for the brain to concoct a complex story of oh the person is lying or they’re not a very good therapist or they haven’t told me the truth rather than just accepting that what he told you is true - he doesn’t have availability for you

He does have availability , just not for me ,

Don’t give up OP. I can understand why you feel let down by him but he has shown that he isn’t a good therapist so you have dodged a bullet. Have a look on the BACP FInd A Therapist site and find someone else.

Also, I'm sad to see a number of posters sounding disapproving of you being "overly" attached or too needy. Feeling dependence/neediness towards your therapist (and therefore being prepared to wait for months to resume work with them) can be such an important part of the process. Absolutely nothing wrong with it. Obviously it's something that should be gently explored, though, and if the therapist can't offer this then they really should be clear rather than fudging it.

I felt like we had made really good progress and I wanted to continue, tbh the thought of going through all of ",it" again with someone new just seems like climbing the same mountain all over again .

That's totally understandable, OP.

People have the same therapist for years , they aren't overly attached, if I had the money I'd have loved to have had the same the same therapist and built up that relationship,