New low for me , ghosted by my therapist

[HowMuchShouldBePaid]

Ive had a short course of therapy (12 sessions) 2nd time ive seen this particular therapist.

On our last session he said he didn't have any more room to see me and was fully booked untill next year. Offered links to other local therapists.

I have emailed twice 2 Weeks ago, 4 weeks ago) asking if he would reserve space for next year. No response.

I emailed from another account and got a response within 12,hours . Offering a trail session etc etc

I was going to therapy due to low self esteem and my "voice not being heard". ,seems even my therapist can ignore my voice 😔

Why ghost me , that just seems really unprofessional.

FFS I'm going to need therapy for my therapy !!

OP, I'm with you. He's behaved in a really hurtful way.

"Dear Dr X,

I have wrote to you twice but not received a reply, asking if you can make space for me in the new year. Although I appreciate that you are busy, as you know I do not handle rejection well so your lack of a response really has been difficult for me to process.

Kind regards"

But... from someone who has had the same therapist for 5 years at great cost... ditch him and move on. He's not trustworthy or worthy of your time. Find a new therapist, explain what happened and how difficult you found it, then move forwards.

I'm sorry this happened and I'm surprised at the slating you've had in this thread.

@HowMuchShouldBePaid

In response to you OP.

I agree he has had poor communication with you. From my perspective (psychotherapist) it sounds like he senses you are becoming reliant on therapy as you anticipate needing to see him next year. This shouldn't be the case. You are expecting to NEED to see him next year which does indicate that you are becoming a bit reliant on him to vent to, rather than doing constructive work to make a change in your life. This isn't healthy. And many therapists would not want and should not get drawn into dynamics like this.

However, he should have been better at communicating this to you in a nice way and exploring what you are looking to GAIN from therapy (at the start) and what you HAVE GAINED/ACHIEVED from therapy (at the end).

Having a consolidation period at the end of a course of therapy is necessary.

No one should ever be anticipating needing to see a therapist next year. Venting is not what therapy is for.

I mean….you can maybe see why?

id suggest a psychiatrist instead.

In this situation, I just would not want to take it any further after him saying he has no availability. Even if I thought he was lying! If I thought he was bullshitting to the extent that I then made a fake email - I would realise that this isn't the therapist
for me!

I think this is a great opportunity to look at yourself again. I'd want to know why I couldn't just take that and go find another one without punishing myself further with the what is and maybes! Also, why I would be so intent on catching them out. That's the part that is not healthy or productive for you!

You're getting a bad vibe - you go find another one! End of.

Have you thought about an older female counsellor? I personally found this very productive and more suited to me. There's something about conversing with another woman - they understand what comes with being female on top of everything else.

@Pantaloons99 Great advice. 100% this

He didn’t handle it well. He wasn’t clear. That’s on him and not you. I’ve had a few crappy therapists and so far two very good ones. Neither of those would do this. You deserve good therapy, keep searching for the right match. It’s worth it when you find it.

Weighing in as a psychotherapist here.

OP, this seems to have been badly handled by your therapist. It seems reasonable to assume that he did see your emails and ignored them although we dont know 100% if this was the case without his input.

It sounds like a NT to ASD communication failure, but having seen him as often as you have, he should have been better at anticipating this and been clearer in his messages to you. I understand why you may value continuity with a therapist

IME though, people who are very rejection sensitive, have low self esteem and who seem to be getting dependent on their therapist are hard to end therapy with - you want to be clear about the end without sending the person into a tailspin or increasing their risk. I wonder if this influenced his messaging to you (again, not excusing it).

I hope you find someone who suits you, feels helpful, and that your therapy with them will be informed by this issue.

And FWIW - I would NEVER say anything like this with a client.

'sometimes as therapists we find ourselves presented with scenarios with our clients that can trigger our own traumas. Unfortunately, I feel this is what is I am experiencing here and as such I feel you would be better served by a different therapist who can be more objective.

I would be more likely to say that I feel we have come to the end of what I can usefully offer, and offer referrals to other therapists or modalities of treatment.

I would be more likely to say that I feel we have come to the end of what I can usefully offer, and offer referrals to other therapists or modalities of treatment.

How would you respond if the client asks you why the therapy is ending @Atethehalloweenchocs ?

Kind of what I said -

'I have reached the point where I dont feel I can offer you anything more that is useful. This is not a reflection on you or our work together but we now need to look at your needs going forward and the best ways to meet these.'

I think many clients wouldn’t be satisfied with that response, which has a degree of obfuscation in there. And to me, as a therapist, that wouldn’t be an appropriate ending.

Obsfucation? surely you are not suggesting a therapist disclose if they are being triggered? How would someone be able to feel they can say anything to a therapist in future if you do that to them? Obviously writing it here is different than having a conversation in person with someone you have built a good relationship with. But yes, in general, I keep it brief and do not disclose if I need to end the relationship because of my personal feelings. Interested to hear how you would do it.

This isn't healthy. And many therapists would not want and should not get drawn into dynamics like this.

@scoobysnaxx but surely that’s up to the therapist to handle that?
Of a client is getting too attach to the sessions, then it should be something that is explores - why it happens and where is it coming from - as well as dealt with by the therapist (eg starting with boundaries).

Im not sure that laying that at the feet of the client basically saying it’s their fault is helpful at all.
Even less when it’s someone like the OP who is seeking support because she doesn’t feel heard - aka that sort of attitude IS a huge part of the problem she is seeking help with

Could it not just be that he overlooked your initial email or hasn't replied because he's waiting to fix say holidays or other arrangements before planning in next year's diary.

Yes he should have replied to say I'll be in touch but haven't we all overlooked an email at some point? Especially those with requests well into the future.

How long did you give him to reply? A month is say different to a week where he may set aside a day for catching up in admin.

This!
I know it’s not easy OP, but don’t take this personally. Maybe he doesn’t have availability, maybe he thought he couldn’t help you further or you weren’t a good fit for each other, or multiple other reasons. Sometimes therapists are good, sometimes they’re not. Sometimes people are drawn into becoming therapists after having therapy themselves, but you get the impression they haven’t really dealt with / fully processed their own issues.
Your scenario is not uncommon- I think there’s a podcast with the same title as your post, and the same thing happened to a friend of mine a few years ago. So the issue may be with him, and not you. I hope you find a better therapist next time - there are some good ones out there.

I haven't taken it personally, for whatever reason he doesn't want to continue to work with me.

I think you’re well shot of him, he sounds a pretty bad therapist. Find a new one and forget this one.

Yes, and that’s his issue not yours.
There’s a post on Reddit called ‘my therapist ghosted me’ where lots of people with similar experiences to yours have posted which you might find interesting.

That's exactly my point.

Her therapist hasn't communicated this to her at all. He should have explored the dynamic and managed expectations from day dot.

Some clients get dependent very quickly. You can spot this a mile off and have to handle it very carefully and start as you mean to go on.

He's handled this very poorly.

A lot of commenters don't understand the therapeutic relationship or ethics and are conflating this with a personal/ business relationship. It's never ok for a therapist to lie to a patient about discontinuing and kick it into the long grass in the way a hairdresser could get away with. That's not to say giving the full and frank reason necessarily, just making sure the outcome and basic reason, not a false one, is understood.

I'm not a therapist, I'm a medic but the principles are similar. Unless there is a risk to them or a reason such as they lack comprehension, patients/ clients need to be told the truth about their treatment in the right way. The client should be left with no confusion about the fact that they will not be treated by this therapist again because they have reached the end of their capacity or suitability to help them. And that's fine. But it needs to be made clear. It isn't the patient's job to make sense of fudging. Therapist and client can become a complex relationship even done right (not in a weird way, it's just a great responsibility and should be handled with care and respect).

OP your feelings are valid. From what you say this guy fell short. I know you'd arranged a set number of sessions but if this was to be the end with no opportunity of more, he should have started winding them down a couple of sessions before the last, talking about strategies going forward. He should also have responded to your email and not left you hanging whether or not this was really about availability.

There's some utter crap on here. Some therapy goes on for far longer for 24 sessions. Years. Playing personality disorder bingo with someone who hasn't asked about a diagnosis is not helpful.

It may help to take forward the valuable work you did do with your ex therapist, show yourself plenty of compassion, and also him some benefit of the doubt too so as not to take it personally. Maybe it is simple availability which he has expressed badly, maybe there is a reason he has reached his limit with helping you and fluffed his lines in ending the therapeutic relationship. Not ideal at all but no reflection on you. You're well within your rights to feed back on this.

@Catandsquirrel There's some utter crap on here. Some therapy goes on for far longer for 24 sessions. Years. Playing personality disorder bingo with someone who hasn't asked about a diagnosis is not helpful.

Thank you for pointing this out. Anyone in need of therapy reading this thread could come away with some invalid ideas and even self-blame about their continuing need for therapy.

As a clinician providing psychological therapy if someone enquires about availability and I am full I will say that I don’t have capacity and direct to local therapists whom I feel would be a good fit. I see this as providing care. I may say that I don’t have availability until next year but I don’t carry a waiting list or hold spots. Someone can drop out of therapy at any point and a space become available more immediately. I don’t feel an obligation to contact all those who have enquired to let them know this. Capacity can also vary on the type of client. I have recently stopped seeing adolescents because I don’t feel I have the emotional space to take them on ( as it often involves working with parents too) with my own children at that stage. It takes too much from me. Sometimes it’s easier to say to a family that I’m not taking on new clients and redirect them. I don’t need to let them know “ actually I’m struggling with my own stuff just now and can’t provide what you need from me”
if someone emailed me from a fake account to catch me out I would find this odd and upsetting.
from your description I would be suggesting that you should prioritise your ASD assessment and then work with a neuroaffirmative clinician to make sense of this. Open ended person centred therapy might not be the most helpful form of therapy but it depends on your goals and what you are looking for from a therapeutic relationship/ whether you are looking for a safe reflective space or to work towards longer lasting meaningful change which in turn would lead to increased psychological flexibility and more fulfilling relationships. Schema therapy might suit you but is longer term and expensive. I agree that your former therapist should have at least responded to you and not ignored your emails. But I also think you will be interpreting this as “ a truth”- he lied therefore I’m too much for him rather than holding a range of possibilities in mind which can all be true or not true to an extent. I would be concerned with him saying that “you are important to him” - I’m not sure what therapeutic modality he is trained in but I can see how this gives you mixed messages about your therapeutic relationship ie how can he be indicating that he is holding you and your emotional needs in mind and then act in the opposite way by ghosting (ie rejecting/not caring about ) you.
i hope you find someone who is a better fit. Please don’t be put off all therapists because of this. And at the start of therapy be open with them about this experience and how it has affected you. Someone above mentioned compassion. Please hold yourself with compassion through all of this

@ruffles1 this is by far the most sensible post on here!

I have a real issue with the idea anyway with what 'honesty' is in a therapeutic relationship. One of my therapists told me he found me very attractive when I was a young woman. I don't think that level of honesty was called for, it was in context about discussing self-image but honesty is an odd thing to require from someone who has to hold and contain your emotions, you are not there to put your own into the situation. I wouldn't even expect extreme honesty from my own husband and I don't say some things that go through my mind.

So, honesty and 'not lying' have shades of grey in most situations, because extreme honesty and never lying can be devastating emotionally, I find this idea therapists should always be 'honest' to be quite odd.

i don’t understand booking therapy for a years time. How do you know you are going to be in need of therapy at that time?

Some psychologists may have many months waiting lists so clients have to book a long way ahead. It doesn't mean they can't cancel if closer to the time they don't feel they need further therapy at that time. They may also be aware they do have further issues they wish to work on but may not currently have the financial capacity, time or emotional space at this time.

Just from speaking to my network of former peers who work in private practice and my own experience of occasionally looking on the directories for my own therapist, it is really unusual for a self-employed counsellor or psychotherapist to be booked up months in advance.