New low for me , ghosted by my therapist

[HowMuchShouldBePaid]

Ive had a short course of therapy (12 sessions) 2nd time ive seen this particular therapist.

On our last session he said he didn't have any more room to see me and was fully booked untill next year. Offered links to other local therapists.

I have emailed twice 2 Weeks ago, 4 weeks ago) asking if he would reserve space for next year. No response.

I emailed from another account and got a response within 12,hours . Offering a trail session etc etc

I was going to therapy due to low self esteem and my "voice not being heard". ,seems even my therapist can ignore my voice 😔

Why ghost me , that just seems really unprofessional.

FFS I'm going to need therapy for my therapy !!

Well you've made it up that he didn't bother to talk about it with his supervisor.

He has tried to let her down in a sensitive way by saying that he has not got space for her. She did not want to hear that.

I've given scenarios where it IS ethical to withold the whole truth from clients, not giving the full picture is not lying. Stirring up more anger is not going to be helpful to the OP, which is what will be better for her in the long run than just having a go at a therapist when you only know the story from the OP's perspective.

OP, your therapist lied to you about his availability, most likely because he thought that would hurt you less (assuming you would never find out) than being told he didn't want to be your therapist any more.

I'm autistic and tell similar lies all the time, and justify it to myself for the same types of reasons. If I ever find out that someone has lied to me, I try to work out if maybe they are doing the same thing as well. That doesn't take all the sting out of their actions, but does make me able to empathise with them a bit more.

Well you've made it up that he didn't bother to talk about it with his supervisor.

No, please read properly. I assumed he didn’t talk about it in supervision. I think that’s a reasonable assumption given he lied to her. Also, you agreed with a PP that it’s OK to lie to a client. The response from @DysonSphere about how to let down a client in the correct way is excellent.

Assuming is making it up because it's based on no evidence whatsoever.

I agreed that in certain circumstances it is okay not to give the whole picture.

Anyway, focusing on the therapist as I have said is not going to be helpful to the OP in the long run. We don't know the reasons why he did not wish to continue with the OP and the example that @DysonSphere gave may not be applicable in this case.

Being a therapist calls for much more clarity, honesty, and authenticity than being a trainer, hairdresser, even a GP.

There are many reasons why I might need/want to stop working with a client, most of which would be quite straightforward to talk about (logistical/scheduling issues, realising that we have a mutual friend, me recognising that the client would better be served by a specialist therapist etc).

Rarely it might be a difficult thing to discuss, either to do with some process that's more personal to me (eg overwhelmingly positive or negative feelings towards them that I can't work through with my supervisor and/or therapist, such as they have a haircut that reminds me of my god awful uncle Bob and I just can't get past it - this is a jokey example). Or it might be something that is more to do with them (they become physically threatening, they have a persistent misperception of what therapy is about).

I would never fudge the ending of our therapy by pretending that I wasn't available. This would do them a grave disservice, and is so disrespectful. I would be as honest as possible without burdening them with my own personal stuff (uncle Bob's haircut). Most people are quite intuitive and will have an inkling if they're being fobbed off, and it's straight up unethical to "gaslight" them into ignoring their intuition.

Remember that many people coming to therapy have had some sort of difficult or even abusive relationships, in which they've been rejected, lied to, shamed for being needy (as a child) etc. It's incredibly important as a therapist to offer an authentic, well-intentioned relationship that helps then rebuild their trust in their own wisdom/intuition and sense of worth.

I should also add that the onus is on me as a therapist to try and work with clients I don't "like", and to work through their "dislikeable" ways of being with them. A good therapist shouldn't cherry-pick the "nice" clients and drop the tricky ones. So in that sense it's also different from being a trainer, hairdresser etc where there's no obligation to work with someone "dislikeable".

I've come back to this thread to reiterate all this because I want to challenge some of the mistaken beliefs about therapy. If I was thinking about starting therapy, I'd be pretty put off by lots of the comments!

A good therapist shouldn't cherry-pick the "nice" clients and drop the tricky ones. So in that sense it's also different from being a trainer, hairdresser etc where there's no obligation to work with someone "dislikeable".

A good therapist knows their own limits, and takes care of their own mental and physical health, and knows when to say, "No, not for me."

Of course they do. I'm just saying that while it's completely normal for a trainer to drop clients that they find difficult/dislike, this isn't the norm for a therapist. Many people coming to therapy have difficult traits (anger issues, misogyny, poor personal hygiene, you name it). There's no need for a non-therapist to continue working with someone like this, but for a therapist it's quite likely to be the whole point of the work!

Many thanks again for all the posts, there is a lot of very useful advice.

Just to clarify

I would have been perfectly fine with the therapist saying they couldn't work with me anymore due to a reason they were unable to discuss with me. They have no duty to share what they don't want to share. That's fine.

My partner and I are both self employed and both of us have had to learn to end working relationships with clients. But neither of us have learnt how to do it well and both lie like this. I have learnt that maybe some people would prefer to be told ‘due to a reason I am unable to discuss’ so I might try this. (although part of me thinks they still might ask why and lying might be easier.) perhaps I am choosing the easiest option. I always think that employed people are able to change jobs whenever they want and not tell the truth. Like they can resign and say ‘I’m leaving because I’ve been offered another job’ even if the real reason is ‘because I hate my manager and I hate Brenda from HR and this office stinks’ or whatever- and we all accept that because of course we have a right to control our own life. But for some reason when you’re self employed and clients are paying you, i feel like the clients think you should be grateful to have them because they’re paying and that you should have no consent in what your work week looks like, if a client wants a session every day I am open, I’ll have to provide it, if they want to work with me for years I’ll have to see them for years, even if I dread every day I have to come into work and I see them. A couple of years ago I realised that I need to just ‘break up’ with clients that I don’t click with. For me these clients are often over communicating with me, sending me a million messages, questioning everything etc, so I feel like a lie is easier to just get rid of them. Even with the lie often they give me snarky comments like ‘well you could’ve told me / you could’ve kept the slots free for me’. I guess this is why I am not a psychological therapist however. Not saying you did any of these things OP. I’m just sharing the idea because I hope it will help you de personalise it. Wish you well on your therapy journey and when you find someone you click with therapy will be so much better!

I've just read pretty much the whole thread (skimmed a few bits) and while certainly many posters have taken the time to post wise, thoughtful and compassionate advice and support to the OP, it is staggering how many people are tying themselves up in knots to prove that the therapist's actions were actually professional. (They weren't - how is lying to a client ever professional?)

And to prove to OP that her responses to the situation are unhealthy, ergo she is emotionally unhealthy.....

I mean, I think she knows she's got messy bits - that's why she is seeking therapy - but don't we all? I see nothing in her responses that marks out a particularly unwell individual - she is articulate, remarkably resilient in the face of some really personally insulting posters, reflective on her own feelings.....

I kept feeling tempted to advise OP to step away from the thread because I felt the disdain and unkindness shown by many posters might be damaging - but actually she seems tough and determined enough to take it in her stride.....

OP, this thread could have been much shorter. Because really, the correct answer to your OP is yes, he was unprofessional to lie, but sadly therapists are just people and often behave unprofessionally. (His comment that you were "important" to him sounds dodgy too - it could be ok for a therapist to say this if they explained it correctly, but obviously he didn't as you were left confused and troubled by it - that is entirely on him, not your fault for somehow failing to divine what weird shit your therapist was conveying).

There are decent ones out there though - hope you find one - good luck!

Maybe he fancied you and was worried that things might progress? Maybe he realised that he wasn’t the right type of therapist to help you and was too proud to say that? Maybe your life situation brought up strong emotions in himself that he couldn’t handle?

I think it’s more likely that it’s his “stuff” than anything to do with your stuff. He sounds like he needs to do work on himself.

Definitely all of this. He's not unprofessional. He just realised he wasn't the right one to help you and told you that. And you proved his point.

I can imagine certain vulnerable or sensitive clients would take this VERY badly. “You’re saying I’ve traumatised you?! But you’re my therapist”

OP this thread is awash with the incel/mra trolls. They are EASY to spot. Just skip over them. They thrive on responses. Wishing you well. 💐

Lying to protect someone is what you do to a child. It's not something you do to an adult with capacity. It's infantilising and it destroys trust. The OP is now probably going to find it more difficult to trust other therapists going forward so IMO it was very unprofessional.

The therapist should have said that he didn't feel he could help the OP progress any further and going forward he would recommend Mr/Mrs x, y or z as better suited to her needs.

This isn't on you OP. Find another therapist and put this behind you - make sure they're with BACP.

Just reposting this.

I do not need to have to guess what my therapist is saying to me , even if in another scenario in life it would be "obvious" e.g. "we must do lunch"

Therapists have a duty to clearly say what is happening , not necessarily give the personal reasons of the therapist , but the actual situation e.g. I do not wish you be your therapist anymore not ",hide" in "I'm to busy"

He said he didn't have space for additional sessions ATM and offered a list of alternative therapists.

I contacted them , all were booked up.

I emailed my therapist saying this and asking when he might be free in the future.

He emailed back "not untill next year" I took this to mean , "I am willing to see you next year" not sure what else I was meant to take from that.

I then emailed , twice, two weeks apart ",please can you set aside time to me next year ", I received no response to either email.

I didn't want to just keep emailing and getting no response.

To check if he was actually able to respond to emails but was ignoring me I sent the "fake" email that was reponed to in under 12 hours.

A therapist who can be triggered by SA is arguably in no position to be practising. Putting that aside for the moment, whilst of course this is too much of a disclosure surely the client is owed some (very watered down version of) ‘it’s me, not you’ and a termination process as recommended by BACP?

1. I would say most therapists are weirdos. I know not everyone will agree but that's my view. In varying ways. You can't expect too much of them. They're a sounding board, not your saviour.
2. It could be perfectly reasonable to take on new clients and not continue with old ones. That could genuinely be his preference, which he's entitled to apply in his business.
3. This isn't like a friend abandoning you. It's a business relationship. The contract is concluded. Any extension is a matter of negotiation and he doesn't want to negotiate.

On our last session he said he didn't have any more room to see me and was fully booked untill next year. Offered links to other local therapists

it appears he wasn’t clear enough. This was a gentle brush off, he was trying to tell you to go elsewhere. Even gave you names of others. And he’s made a mistake, as he has failed to understand you’d immediately start asking for next year.

what was happening in the sessions, that would cause him to do this, do you have any inkling?

it is staggering how many people are tying themselves up in knots to prove that the therapist's actions were actually professional. (They weren't - how is lying to a client ever professional?)

I think it's naive and rather short-sighted to think that all clinicians should stick to the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. For a start, what actually is the truth? It'll vary with perspective. And truth can hurt. 'I'm not enjoying having you as a client. I can make my money dealing with easier/ nicer/ less scary people. You've had my attention for six months. I've given you my best shot and you're not listening or reflecting and nothing has changed — so I'm letting you go.' That might be truthful but also very damaging.

I don't think this therapist lied. He completed the 12-week session with OP and when she made it clear she wanted to continue he said that he had no availability till next year, which could certainly be truthful. He gave her the contact details of other therapists and when she emailed him he ignored her emails because the therapeutic relationship was over. What in that was a lie? He may privately have had other reasons (see above) for not being available and he opened an email from an unknown new contact because he's a self-employed person and he needs a constant supply of new clients to pay his bills.

We can see from the OP's responses here how persistent she is and how deaf she is to anything but her own narrative. His way out of things may well have been the best decision.

OP,

The more I think about how out of line this seems to be with what I read at the BACP site the more justified I think you would be in making a circumscribed complaint.

If, that is, indeed you’ve presented the facts correctly - and I say that for your sake, because I suspect that many false complaints are lodged and that furthermore the therapeutic process makes establishing a complaint difficult. I too cannot believe some of the glib responses on this thread, and how out of line they are with what I learnt about the BACP ethical framework in just a few minutes.

Once again .......... he offered time for me next year then ignored my emails.

If he didn't want me as a client , which is fine , I don't need to know any "reasons" , then.just.say.that.

Excellent post!
This will help you OP

I'm sure there would be clients who need more reassurance, and I was responding to a hypothetical scenario that was exaggerated to say the least. But actually people who seek therapy are often sympathetic to the idea that other people may also have past traumas that are triggered. They have their own traumas. At least they get an explanation. That is something that doesn't leave the person thinking it's personal, as often people with low self-esteem are prone to start thinking it's about something they themselves did or they were simply not liked (because in their head they're already unlikeable etc) in the absence of explicit information to the contrary.

I really think the responses to the OP are not taking in the fact the OP has low self-esteem and this is very triggering.

This thread is really making me appreciate my past therapist. Lovely woman. Clear, firm and professional at all times.