Page 14 | New low for me , ghosted by my therapist

HowMuchShouldBePaid · 2024-07-24T19:16:24+00:00

Ive had a short course of therapy (12 sessions) 2nd time ive seen this particular therapist. On our last session he said he didn't have any more room to see me and was fully booked untill next year. Offered links to other local therapists. I have emailed twice 2 Weeks ago, 4 weeks ago) asking if he would reserve space for next year. No response. I emailed from another account and got a response within 12,hours . Offering a trail session etc etc I was going to therapy due to low self esteem and my "voice not being heard". ,seems even my therapist can ignore my voice 😔 Why ghost me , that just seems really unprofessional. FFS I'm going to need therapy for my therapy !!

Original poster

HowMuchShouldBePaid · 25/07/2024 09:52

I'm.not deaf to only my own narrative , I just keep stating the facts and then those facts get ignored by posters wanting it to be , somehow, , my fault the therapist behaved outside of thr expected professional conduct.

OP posts:

lovewinsintheend · 25/07/2024 09:53

poetryandwine · 25/07/2024 09:49

OP,

The more I think about how out of line this seems to be with what I read at the BACP site the more justified I think you would be in making a circumscribed complaint.

If, that is, indeed you’ve presented the facts correctly - and I say that for your sake, because I suspect that many false complaints are lodged and that furthermore the therapeutic process makes establishing a complaint difficult. I too cannot believe some of the glib responses on this thread, and how out of line they are with what I learnt about the BACP ethical framework in just a few minutes.

I'm a therapist and member of the BACP and agree with you. It's unprofessional behaviour and brings our profession into disrepute.
Knowing the BACP as I do, they won't do anything with a complaint. But I wanted to tell you, as a therapist myself, that your feelings are valid and justified.

poetryandwine · 25/07/2024 09:54

purplevipersgrass · 25/07/2024 09:44

it is staggering how many people are tying themselves up in knots to prove that the therapist's actions were actually professional. (They weren't - how is lying to a client ever professional?)

I think it's naive and rather short-sighted to think that all clinicians should stick to the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. For a start, what actually is the truth? It'll vary with perspective. And truth can hurt. 'I'm not enjoying having you as a client. I can make my money dealing with easier/ nicer/ less scary people. You've had my attention for six months. I've given you my best shot and you're not listening or reflecting and nothing has changed — so I'm letting you go.' That might be truthful but also very damaging.

I don't think this therapist lied. He completed the 12-week session with OP and when she made it clear she wanted to continue he said that he had no availability till next year, which could certainly be truthful. He gave her the contact details of other therapists and when she emailed him he ignored her emails because the therapeutic relationship was over. What in that was a lie? He may privately have had other reasons (see above) for not being available and he opened an email from an unknown new contact because he's a self-employed person and he needs a constant supply of new clients to pay his bills.

We can see from the OP's responses here how persistent she is and how deaf she is to anything but her own narrative. His way out of things may well have been the best decision.

This isn’t what we are ssying. The ethical framework of the BACP, to which he belongs. seems to frown strongly on both surprise endings and lies.

He should have spent the final session or two explaining that he did not have the skill set to help OP and according to the BACP he owed her a referral, not just a list of possible therapists who were full up

Puggup · 25/07/2024 09:58

purplevipersgrass · 25/07/2024 09:44

it is staggering how many people are tying themselves up in knots to prove that the therapist's actions were actually professional. (They weren't - how is lying to a client ever professional?)

I think it's naive and rather short-sighted to think that all clinicians should stick to the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. For a start, what actually is the truth? It'll vary with perspective. And truth can hurt. 'I'm not enjoying having you as a client. I can make my money dealing with easier/ nicer/ less scary people. You've had my attention for six months. I've given you my best shot and you're not listening or reflecting and nothing has changed — so I'm letting you go.' That might be truthful but also very damaging.

I don't think this therapist lied. He completed the 12-week session with OP and when she made it clear she wanted to continue he said that he had no availability till next year, which could certainly be truthful. He gave her the contact details of other therapists and when she emailed him he ignored her emails because the therapeutic relationship was over. What in that was a lie? He may privately have had other reasons (see above) for not being available and he opened an email from an unknown new contact because he's a self-employed person and he needs a constant supply of new clients to pay his bills.

We can see from the OP's responses here how persistent she is and how deaf she is to anything but her own narrative. His way out of things may well have been the best decision.

Meanwhile a decent therapist would recognise that lying about availability rather than being appropriately honest to someone who has outlined certain behaviours and thought processes which would be triggered by this isn't good.

There'd have been no issue in saying- we've had a set of 12 sessions and I believe input from another therapist going forward would be most beneficial and I cannot offer you another block.

Original poster

HowMuchShouldBePaid · 25/07/2024 09:59

I would not have taken it personally if the therapist had said that , for reasons they were unwilling to discuss, they couldn't work with me anymore. That's fine , not all relationships of all sorts continue. But at least have the decency to actually say that. I'd hope for that in all my relationships, but especially in the one with my therapist.

OP posts:

Original poster

HowMuchShouldBePaid · 25/07/2024 10:01

Maybe he didn't explicitly lie but he certainly ignored me.

OP posts:

purplevipersgrass · 25/07/2024 10:01

The ethical framework of the BACP, to which he belongs. seems to frown strongly on both surprise endings and lies.

This wasn't a surprise ending, surely? It was the end of a scheduled 12-week session. The BACP expects its therapists to uphold the line that transwomen are women and has made it difficult for practitioners who don't accept that massive lie to continue as members. So perhaps you'll forgive me for laughing about frowning about lying.

bananacreampie · 25/07/2024 10:09

menohnopausal · 25/07/2024 08:15

Of course they do. I'm just saying that while it's completely normal for a trainer to drop clients that they find difficult/dislike, this isn't the norm for a therapist. Many people coming to therapy have difficult traits (anger issues, misogyny, poor personal hygiene, you name it). There's no need for a non-therapist to continue working with someone like this, but for a therapist it's quite likely to be the whole point of the work!

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Therapists quite often find themselves referring a client they find unsuitable for whatever reason on to another therapist - as this man has tried to do. It would be unhealthy to not do so.

Perhaps he could have been a bit more up front, or perhaps he realised that would not go down well with this particular client.

He is not obliged to keep seeing her.

purplevipersgrass · 25/07/2024 10:10

HowMuchShouldBePaid · 25/07/2024 09:59

I would not have taken it personally if the therapist had said that , for reasons they were unwilling to discuss, they couldn't work with me anymore. That's fine , not all relationships of all sorts continue. But at least have the decency to actually say that. I'd hope for that in all my relationships, but especially in the one with my therapist.

I can see you'd think that, OP, but I wonder if it really would be true? I think I'd have been desperate for a concrete reason why he didn't want to work with me. Which is probably why he tried to give you a reason.

But look on the bright side. He clearly wasn't a great therapist. There are several really good therapists here on this thread who sound as if they're working to a far higher standard than your ex-therapist. Perhaps they can advise you on the best way to find someone to replace them. Is there a direct messaging facility here on MN?

poetryandwine · 25/07/2024 10:10

purplevipersgrass · 25/07/2024 10:01

The ethical framework of the BACP, to which he belongs. seems to frown strongly on both surprise endings and lies.

This wasn't a surprise ending, surely? It was the end of a scheduled 12-week session. The BACP expects its therapists to uphold the line that transwomen are women and has made it difficult for practitioners who don't accept that massive lie to continue as members. So perhaps you'll forgive me for laughing about frowning about lying.

I thought it was ambiguous at best whether OP knew she was being terminated.

BACP has a code of ethics for members. Unless you are one, and probably even if you are, hijacking OP’s thread in the service of the gender wars does not seem on

bananacreampie · 25/07/2024 10:14

Given OP has not taken no for an answer, and emailed him twice, and then when he did not respond, tried to (lying is okay, if it's the OP, apparently) sneakily approach him using another name, I would think he must have had his reasons for saying he was all booked up, and referring her on.

Original poster

HowMuchShouldBePaid · 25/07/2024 10:15

Thank you to those who understood the situation, I am not going to explain it again to those who only wish to see it from thier own viewpoint.

OP posts:

benfoldsfivefan · 25/07/2024 10:16

Perhaps he could have been a bit more up front, or perhaps he realised that would not go down well with this particular client.

There’s no ‘could have been’s’ about it. He should have clearly ended the relationship appropriately. It’s part of the BACP ethical framework.

purplevipersgrass · 25/07/2024 10:21

poetryandwine · 25/07/2024 10:10

I thought it was ambiguous at best whether OP knew she was being terminated.

BACP has a code of ethics for members. Unless you are one, and probably even if you are, hijacking OP’s thread in the service of the gender wars does not seem on

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You brought up the BACP and its high expectations of honesty and truthfulness. I made a single allusion to a massive lie the BACP has at its heart. One small comment which you have framed as 'hijacking OP's thread'. Crikey.

You sounded so reasonable in your approach to OP's concerns that I was hoping you might be able to offer her some sound advice on the best approach to finding a better new therapist. Perhaps not.

BringMeTea · 25/07/2024 10:22

Again, OP, please ignore the very obvious trolls..... you responding makes them rub their polyester thighs with glee...

menohnopausal · 25/07/2024 10:29

Ilovelurchers · 25/07/2024 09:02

I've just read pretty much the whole thread (skimmed a few bits) and while certainly many posters have taken the time to post wise, thoughtful and compassionate advice and support to the OP, it is staggering how many people are tying themselves up in knots to prove that the therapist's actions were actually professional. (They weren't - how is lying to a client ever professional?)

And to prove to OP that her responses to the situation are unhealthy, ergo she is emotionally unhealthy.....

I mean, I think she knows she's got messy bits - that's why she is seeking therapy - but don't we all? I see nothing in her responses that marks out a particularly unwell individual - she is articulate, remarkably resilient in the face of some really personally insulting posters, reflective on her own feelings.....

I kept feeling tempted to advise OP to step away from the thread because I felt the disdain and unkindness shown by many posters might be damaging - but actually she seems tough and determined enough to take it in her stride.....

OP, this thread could have been much shorter. Because really, the correct answer to your OP is yes, he was unprofessional to lie, but sadly therapists are just people and often behave unprofessionally. (His comment that you were "important" to him sounds dodgy too - it could be ok for a therapist to say this if they explained it correctly, but obviously he didn't as you were left confused and troubled by it - that is entirely on him, not your fault for somehow failing to divine what weird shit your therapist was conveying).

There are decent ones out there though - hope you find one - good luck!

I love this post. :-)

poetryandwine · 25/07/2024 10:32

purplevipersgrass · 25/07/2024 10:21

You brought up the BACP and its high expectations of honesty and truthfulness. I made a single allusion to a massive lie the BACP has at its heart. One small comment which you have framed as 'hijacking OP's thread'. Crikey.

You sounded so reasonable in your approach to OP's concerns that I was hoping you might be able to offer her some sound advice on the best approach to finding a better new therapist. Perhaps not.

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I would love to know how to help OP find a better therapist. I wish I did. Thank you for calling attention to this excellent question.

Does anyone reading have ideas on this?

scoobysnaxx · 25/07/2024 10:43

@HowMuchShouldBePaid

Hi OP, I'm a Psychotherapist. I haven't RTFT.

Can I ask what type of therapy you had? Was it CBT like? With clear goals and learning strategies to manage your difficulties? Or something different? What were the agreed aims at the start of your sessions? Were 12 sessions stated? Did you do any kind of relapse prevention/how-do-we-maintain-progress-after-therapy type work in the last session or 2?

purplevipersgrass · 25/07/2024 10:46

@poetryandwine Are you being entirely truthful, as a therapist (I'm presuming this from the fact that you brought up the BACP and wrote very clearly about what a good therapist should and shouldn't do), when you say you have no idea how to find a good therapist?

If you don't know how to go about this, how on earth can an ordinary person in need of the help of a good therapist be expected to find one?

Original poster

HowMuchShouldBePaid · 25/07/2024 11:23

@scoobysnaxx

It's wasn't CBT, there wasn't any sort of "rounding up" in the last session. In fact I was the most upset / distressed that I had been in any of the sessions and was sent on my way with a "you are important to me" quote and then ghosted. Rather strage way to end it all.

Btw for others on this thread at no point did the therapist ask me not to contact them.

OP posts:

purplevipersgrass · 25/07/2024 11:36

I think final sessions can bring a lot of stuff up, @HowMuchShouldBePaid so it's not unusual for a client to find them distressing. I imagine they can be difficult for the therapist, too. The therapist has to keep their boundaries and so there's no option for them to give you a little longer in the session or fit in just one more session because you're upset. It's really important that they maintain firm boundaries.

I guess the thing to focus on is thinking about why the ending is so painful and exploring what memories or fears it brings up. And when I suggest thinking about why, I'd suggest not analysing this particular ending to death but thinking about what endings in general mean to you. I'm not a therapist, but I've had therapy and I found that approach — thinking not just of what's happening now, but of the wider picture — a way of understanding better.

bananacreampie · 25/07/2024 11:50

Btw for others on this thread at no point did the therapist ask me not to contact them.

But that's implicit. He said he was unable to offer you any more appointments this year. He gave you the contact details of other therapists you could see.

He ended it. Therefore, you are no longer a client in his care, and he has no responsibility for you, and to engage with you over email having terminated your client/therapist relationship would be inappropriate.

If you can't take a clear boundary, and respect it, then it is obvious why he may have felt he was not the therapist for you.

benfoldsfivefan · 25/07/2024 11:58

bananacreampie · 25/07/2024 11:50

Btw for others on this thread at no point did the therapist ask me not to contact them.

But that's implicit. He said he was unable to offer you any more appointments this year. He gave you the contact details of other therapists you could see.

He ended it. Therefore, you are no longer a client in his care, and he has no responsibility for you, and to engage with you over email having terminated your client/therapist relationship would be inappropriate.

If you can't take a clear boundary, and respect it, then it is obvious why he may have felt he was not the therapist for you.

He had a responsibility and requirement to end the relationship in the correct way. But he fucked up.

HoorahhoorahTheyaregoingaway · 25/07/2024 12:10

HowMuchShouldBePaid · 25/07/2024 10:01

Maybe he didn't explicitly lie but he certainly ignored me.

But you set him up by sending him a fake email from a fake email address.

bananacreampie · 25/07/2024 12:13

benfoldsfivefan · 25/07/2024 11:58

He had a responsibility and requirement to end the relationship in the correct way. But he fucked up.

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What is the correct way, in your opinion?

OP was not a long-term client. She saw him for 12 sessions this year, and 12 the year prior. As we don't know the full details, it may have been that something occurred on that final session that was for him the last straw. Should he have scheduled another 12 sessions to unpack that?