Dh has just been fired - hand hold pls?

[Dhisfired]

Name changed for this. As the title says, dh has just been fired. It was a long time coming. He has been incredibly stressed at work and has not been coping. He’s been on unpaid leave for a while. Today they had the conversation and mutually agreed he should leave.

We can’t get by on my salary. Looks like dh won’t be able to work for weeks / months while he deals with this stress issue, which I’m worried could turn into serious long term mental health problems. It’s probably already there.

I am terrified. Want to support him but I can’t stop crying. Has anyone else been through similar? Where do we go from here?

Gosh I could have written this. This was us 8 yrs ago. It was awful. Here is what I did:

I cancelled everything - I mean all streaming/spotify, milkman, newspaper (only got one on a Sunday). It was shocking how much we had on subscription/DD. I went through every DD on all our accounts. We had a couple of old policies for appliances and things that I could cancel. This did not free up a LOT of money, but it free’d up a little bit. Maybe 200/300 a month. It also meant I knew exactly what our financial situation was.

I had a major household clearance. By this I mean every night we would sit and do a drawer together. It meant we sat in a room together and we did something together. This made us no money but… when you only have 2 sets of bedding, you don’t drown in laundry. When you only have 4 towels, you turn your laundry round fast. We did the same with clothes.

We then went through all DH hobby things. You can guess the hobby. Turned out there was plenty to sell that he didn’t use and we actually made a bit of money. About £1,500. But it wasn’t about that. It was about mental clarity.

I know I sound bonkers but when I knew exactly what was in my house, I was more calm. And DH was bonkers at that point so had no choice.

The other thing I did was I went off sick. Not for long, I Self cert for 1 week and then had a further 2 weeks off. I was horribly honest with my line manager. They were absolutely unable to handle my honesty so had no choice but to be grudgingly supportive. It meant I had a chance to catch my breath and yes, some days I went back to bed once DC were are nursery.

I was exhausted. Then, once I’d dealt with the immediate aftermath, I got to work. I went back to my job and then did flower deliveries on Saturdays and house viewings for an estate agent in the evenings. It kept us afloat. Do not pick side hustles or jobs that take your emotional energy. Pick things that require mindless effort. You won’t have the energy for anything else.

it was very, very hard. It took a very long time to recover financially.

I am rooting for you.

This OP.
Seriously he has to at least take on the load at home. Not saying he needs to do everything. A messy house and easy meals won't kill anybody. He doesn't need to become Martha Stewart. But he has to do the bare minimum to keep things ticking over.

I'm sorry but I don't think he 'deserves' you babying him while he also did stupid things like spending on new shit. Neither I nor my husband would ever do that no matter how stressed we were.

As a contractor he should also have realised that taking unpaid leave = writing on the wall. That's the point of contractors as opposed to permanent staff they can be hired and fired with very little fuss. It would have been easier if he'd just quit, since workplace stress was causing th issue

Perhaps the knowledge that he never has to go back into that toxic work environment will be enough to allow him to start feeling he can exhale and be more positive.

I have been in very similar situations and I understand your fears and the anger, too. The anger is fear, by the way.

Is he well enough to work at all? If he's not, he's not. He can't just magically switch off his illness between 12pm and 6am to stack shelves at Tesco because it's inconvenient. But if the illness was largely related to his now ex-job, perhaps he could handle something simpler like pizza delivery or whatever.

It's worrying that so many women on here consider separation or divorce as an appropriate response to a man having depression and losing his job. Men are not put on this earth just to provide, you know. What conditional love you are showing your husbands.

Agree absolutely with this. especially the last paragraph. So fed up of people telling others to write a PIP form based on their worst days. It's awarded by how someone is on the majority of days.
I would also like to point out that getting a shelf stacking job isn't as easy as people are trying to make out, especially if over qualified. He may need leave some stuff off his CV. My student ds has been trying everywhere to get a shelf stacking type job for months to no avail and he is willing to do anything.

So what will happen if OP burns out too as her dh rests himself back to health?

It's worrying that so many women on here consider separation or divorce as an appropriate response to a man having depression and losing his job. Men are not put on this earth just to provide, you know. What conditional love you are showing your husbands.

No, his sole purpose is not just to provide. But his purpose is to be a father and a partner and he doesn't have the luxury of checking out and leaving it all to his wife. Just like OP's sole purpose is not to take care of everything and everyone.

He needs to pick up the load at home, not bury his head in the sand, watch TV, and leave OP to handle with the fallout he has created.

The love for a husband is VERY much conditional, what bollocks is that.

@Ihavenoclu she's a woman and a mother, she's not allowed to burn out, didn't you know? Only men have this luxury of forgetting they created a child.

How did he leave things with his employer? Have they asked him to sign a settlement agreement to leave and if so can he ask them for 6 months wages to sign it?

Quite. I am writing this as someone who has been in a very similar situation for 5 years. I wish I could have those 5 years back. I don't love him anymore, I loathe him and what he has done to our family. Selfish, entitled and non functioning. He has bled me dry, financially, emotionally and mentally.

OP, don't be me

This happened to my partner, and I'm on maternity leave! I have loads of savings, but don't want to touch it. He can't seem to find a job, is starting to get stressed, and I'm just trying to save as much money as I can.

I don't know what to do either.

If he's no longer even parenting his own child I'd ask him to leave to be honest. Tell him it's too much for one person and you can revisit things once he sorts himself out.

A PP (sorry can't find their post now) said don't set yourself on fire to keep him warm and i agree.

I'm so glad DH looked after me and did everything for a month when I fell apart. I could barely move or function.

I got my career back and it went from strength to strength.

But if he hadn't supported me for that time I think I would have spiralled further down.

It's not their money though. I'm sure people who give ££ to kids don't expect the benefits agency to effectively take it away again.

But what matters here is what settlement is he getting from his employer and are they paying for outplacement support?

I would also like to point out that getting a shelf stacking job isn't as easy as people are trying to make out, especially if over qualified. He may need leave some stuff off his CV. My student ds has been trying everywhere to get a shelf stacking type job for months to no avail and he is willing to do anything

I agree - and what are the home-based data entry jobs and how do you get one?

Time has a way of healing. Nothing needs to be done this week. Tell your husband that you need a few days to unwind and process, then spend a few hours this weekend planning next steps for his recovery and your current financial responsibilities.

Personally I think it's really important that he continues doing SOMETHING. If not work, then the household chores, if not that, then at least one or two tasks a day. He needs to retain some responsibility or it will easily slide into what you're worried about; long term disablement.

Meanwhile, financially I think you need to change your mindset. I can see why the £25k represented financial freedom for your son, or at least options, but the average child doesn't have £25k inherence. My children have £4k each so far and I feel very grateful to have been able to save that for them. I had £800 when I left school and I'm happy, healthy and own a very nice home. Most of us live a good life regardless of inheritance (which actually I feel is very unfair for lots of people).

Concentrate on the here and now. Bills need to be paid and your husband needs to roadmap a way back to health, even if that starts with getting up, doing the school run and putting a load of washing on.

Please don't fall into the trap of doing everything, being anxious doesn't mean those around you should do everything why you sit and watch TV. If he's well enough to watch TV, he's well enough to run the hoover around or unload a dishwasher.

What is the minimum amount your DH needs to work to cover the bills?

I'd be looking at that. You can take a six month mortgage break without it affecting your credit if you haven't already done so.

Once you have a figure, consider if there are any less stressful or part time job options that might work.

There is work and work.a different environment might be completely different for him. Similarly a reduced responsibility role may suit him better.

Cut all subscriptions you don't need and all additional spending. Make lunches, eat more veggie/ basic meals. Once you have adjusted everything and have your numbers, perhaps he'll feel less stressed at the prospect of what he needs to do work wise to keep you afloat. But you do need to talk about it. Head in sand is not reducing stress as it will be weighing on him.

We had similar, I had to work two jobs in the end, day and night. 5 hours sleep for a while, it's a nightmare but had to be done. DH had to do all childcare etc. We do what we can to survive. Depends on how determined you are.

You need to tell someone outside of the house, because it will help you emotionally but also if these things are hidden or not talked about they seem to persist. It's easier to deny anything is wrong when from the outside it looks all fine and dandy.

It's not ideal but using the money to support your family is using it for your son.

Benefits agency would not be taking away money, what an odd way of looking at things ? They just don't pay benefits to people who have access to 25k. However it may be able to be disregarded anyway.
There's no guarantee that with only one child and no rent costs this family would get any UC anyway. Op's husband is best to try claiming New style JSA or ESA first. as he was a contractor and therefore I assume no SSP to be paid he can go straight to claiming a contributions based benefit.

Indeed - we had over 140 applications for just ONE shelf stacking part time job. It was INSANE. The school part time cleaning job I ended up getting had over 200 applicants. I only got it because I lived literally next to the school.

It's worrying that so many women on here consider separation or divorce as an appropriate response to a man having depression and losing his job. Men are not put on this earth just to provide, you know. What conditional love you are showing your husbands.

It's not because he can't provide. It's if he refuses to help himself and do what he can, both to recover and to be part of the family on the daily. As someone else pointed out. Do women with MH problems just go on unpaid sick leave and refuse to lift a finger at home or do childcare at the same time? No they don't. Those that aren't capable are the ones who end up in hospital, the rest do what they can to get by. But men can be a different matter. Look how many of them handle the common cold! Taking to their beds and refusing to do anything at all, expecting sympathy, fussing over and waiting on hand and foot. Whereas when women have a cold (or more serious illness) they are expected to, and do, just carry on.

Such good advice here from @AgathaMystery and shows how to dig yourself out of the hole.
One step at a time OP. The good news is you have got some money to see you by and you have a job. It's something to build a Base from

@Dhisfired once you have cleared your head a bit. Sit down and write out everything cmg in and going out. I know it sounds overly simple, it give you a clear idea were to cut. Be absolutely ruthless, you do not need sky packages, you do not need insurance for tech because it will be gtg sold. Basic life cover (for now). One car for you, gym membership basic if at all, that goes for all hobbies too. Aldi is a much cheaper shop and the products are first class. Honestly, you will be shocked at how much money you do not need to use.
I had to do all of this when I was made redundant and became more ill.
Good luck.

As he's a contractor and has been on unpaid leave, there may have been no NI contributions paid for/by him during this time, so he may not even qualify for contribution based benefits. He's have had to start claiming from the first day of no work so there wasn't a gap. Contractors are self employed I think, the rules are different from those for employees. For a start I'm always amazed how many self employed people don't understand that if they pay the compulsory class 1 and 4(?) NI contributions, it doesn't build up their state pension or give them contribution based benefits rights. For that they have to also pay class 3 voluntary contributions. People employed are paying class 2, which counts. OP is probably going to have to spend that £25k savings pot and/or get a lodger/downsize the house PDQ. No harm in putting in a claim though, worst they can do is say no.

Good point about the self employment. maybe op can confirm whether he has paid NI contributions during the relevant years ?