Dh has just been fired - hand hold pls?

[Dhisfired]

Name changed for this. As the title says, dh has just been fired. It was a long time coming. He has been incredibly stressed at work and has not been coping. He’s been on unpaid leave for a while. Today they had the conversation and mutually agreed he should leave.

We can’t get by on my salary. Looks like dh won’t be able to work for weeks / months while he deals with this stress issue, which I’m worried could turn into serious long term mental health problems. It’s probably already there.

I am terrified. Want to support him but I can’t stop crying. Has anyone else been through similar? Where do we go from here?

@Dhisfired has your DH had any legal advice? Has his employer followed their own internal disciplinary policies and procedures? Has he been there for over 2 years?

edited to add I see you mentioned he's a contractor - can he reconnect with his agency to get back into circulation?

Is DH ill enough for ESA? I’ve been in a similar position with my DH. Go to Turn2Us and use the benefits checker. Speak to CAB. Is his mental health poor enough that could could be considered his carer? Even if you don’t qualify for Carers Allowance you could get support from your local carers network. Ours are brilliant here, for support and advice.

Not quite the same position but similar where my DH (who earns more money as I only work part time due to me providing most of the childcare) was almost sacked and it does knock you sick. Even me working full time no where near covers what he would earn

Its really scary but obviously just take a breath first because panic sets in and I didn’t sleep for a week

Sit down and work out your outgoings. I got ready to cancel everything that was a luxury and downgraded some of our packages to try and save money

He looked for jobs and I looked for a better paid second job.

I then went on a selling spree and if it wasn’t nailed down it went on Vinted 😂

We have no savings in ours or the kids name that we could access and I was terrified of not being able to feed them

You’ll get through this. It just seems scary and like everything is happening

Regarding how you deal with this emotionally. My DP had a severe breakdown from work stress and was too ill to seek work, much less take any job. He used to lock himself in a cupboard. You can guess.
Part of his illness was buying things online that we couldn't afford and that he had no real use for. I appreciate how worried you must be. I made him a small monthly allowance and that worked.
I cut house spending to the bone and made every claim I could (without success, must admit.) If your DH is in a mental health crisis he needs a calm and stable atmosphere, which is harder to sustain than it is to talk about. I promised DP I'd not leave him and that we'd get through this together. We did, eventually. It's a hard road. You're unsure to leave him at home alone but you need to be at work, etc. I sold my baking and sewing to work colleagues and that helped. Try not to blame him or introduce upsetting topics. He needs your every support. You'll do it.

Without sounding glib, you're doing the right thing not putting him under any more stress because if he's burnt out, the best possibly remedy is rest. If he doesn't rest, he's going to continue on a very bad downward spiral most likely into depression which often people don't ever really recover from. I've seen this in clients, lots come to me when they are actually approaching burnout. It's not a buzzword, it's a real medical condition that needs a real time out.

The good news is burnout can be remedied completely with proper rest and recuperation. Often people never go back to the same job/industry.

It's a very hard situation for you to be in, I'm sorry this is happening but your DH being healthy (or at least not permanently blighted by burnout) is ultimately by far the most important thing.

Been in your shoes a couple of times. A few suggestions:

1 MONEY
Make a list of monthly outgoings. See what you can cut back on.
Make a list of yearly outgoings so that you will know what’s coming up. See what can be reduced.
2 FOOD
Plan your dinners, batch cook if possible.
3 GP APPOINTMENT
Make an appointment for yourself. Short term maybe talking therapy would help you.
4 ASK FOR HELP
Don't be shy, what’s the worst someone can say?

There will be highs and lows. Try not to get into the blame game. You just have to keep going-as sure as night follows day things will move on. Just keep saying to yourself ‘this will pass’.

This is actually a fantastic idea.

To everyone saying please don’t spend your sons money - what would you suggest if it’s a week until payday and there is no food to feed her child or the mortgage is weeks overdue and they are receiving reminder letters? Should her child go hungry while there is 25k sat in the bank? Should they lose their home? I know the first thing is the husband to find employment but if the money runs out before he does then what? You can’t let your child starve or end up homeless just so they have 25k when then turn 18. Hopefully if they do need to dip into the money they have got years and years to repay it

Deep breath, break it down into small chunks, make a list of what can help. One thing at a time, so apply for JSA, also disability payments are non income based. Citizens advice has helped people I know in similar situation, make an appt. Those are first steps going forward. Maybe take out £5000 from the account to be able to live comfortably while making plans for the other things. It's family money and once he's hopefully back on his feet you can work out a way to pay it back. It doesn't have to be all or nothing, one week, day at a time. Best of luck. Xx

Actually not as easy to get as you might think.

The mans got Mental health Problems...doubt if he will be able to work at the moment. He needs to concentrate on his health and make that a priority first. No good going into another workplace and knocking himself further back with his Mental Health.

You feel this panic now, but all the panic and worry you feel now have been feelings he’s been carrying for a while by the sounds of it.
Stress is a horrible feeling short term, long term it is debilitating.
Take stock to come to terms with it all, you might not wish to use the £25k but you are safe for now.
With some support, rather than panic and blame, your DH will hopefully be able to look forward and pick up some less stressful work.
I hope things work out.

He doesn’t feel able to look after our child so I will of course.

No. Nope. Not at all. Nada. Noperino.

I am off work with stress, I've been swamped for years in burnout.

I'm also an autistic single parent to an autistic high care needs child.

You dont get to just opt out of being a parent.

There's being stressed and taking accountability for your own health so that you can fulfil your responsibilities like parenting by taking some time away from work to recover and proactively look for short medium and long term solutions and then there is being incompetent and unwilling to take accountability for your health, actions and the impact this has on your family.

Which one do you think he is OP?

It isn't your job to fix him or this situation. It's his. And if he will not, then you have to protect yourself and your entitlement to any remaining assets and split.

If you are already being a single parent in your marriage why stay married.

Hi, I have only read your post and a few replies, so apologies if this has been mentioned.
Have you had a look at a discretionary trust?.
Am not sure of the maximum amount you can put away, but it doesn't not effect any benifit entitlements. Please have a good read and research as much as you can, as am not to sure if you pay tax or a set up fee for it.

It’s possible to claim PIP personal independence payment. He needs to see GP. If he has a mental health diagnosis he should have a claim. He will need documentary evidence from his Gp and MH specialist. PIP is not means tested - the basis of the assessment is around how it effects your daily life and mobility needs. Good luck hope things improve for you.

He will be entitled to PIP (Personal Independence Payment). Could receive £700 odd a month on that alone. This Benefit is not means tested so it does not matter how much anyone has in the Bank. The forms to fill in are like a book...you must fill this application in based on his worst days.
Always have his worst days in mind when answering the questions.

You can feel empathy while also be angry at how irresponsible he's been to let it get this far. He's a father, with a family and a mortgage. Why did he let things go this far with his job? Why is he stressed if he's had time off already?? Why is the childcare down to you? Why is everything down to you?

I can't imagine a woman losing her job and declaring she needs to watch TV and do zero childcare while her DH works 2 jobs, does everything around the house, and sorts everything out.

He's being selfish and immature. He's caused this, he needs to help fix it.

I've been that person, who had a break down and was bullied out of a job. It was horrific. I found a new job within weeks and before my old job stopped paying me. Then took 6 weeks off before starting new job to take care of myself. I budgeted for it.

Unless he needs to be institutionalised, he can get off the fucking sofa.

As the money is intended for your son's future put in a long term account in his name only that way you claim benefits,.it's not fraud as it was left for your son and not for your benefit.

Why does he think he can leave everything down to you?
If the shoe was on the other foot would you be watching tv all day while he worked all the hours, did the childcare and all the housework?

You need to ask him this.

If you are seriously in a hole and there's nothing else to be done, and you can access that money, then you need to use it. If you go further under due to stress, worry and debt then that could massively impact your son more than if he doesn't have the money for a house deposit/car/uni fees...whatever. He needs his family stable and together and if the money can do that in the short term, then use it...your son will benefit.

I just want to mention to the PPs talking about PIP, while he might be entitled to it if his mental health is disablingly debilitating it strongly takes into account daily living tasks.

It's also likely that he would only be able to achieve lower rate PIP as his disability is not physical, and excludes developmental or learning disabilities. This means he's not likely to get an extra £700 a month. It will be much less.

The PIP process is also not very fast. You have to gather all of your supporting documents that must be published before the PIP2 how your disability affects you form is posted. It has just taken me 3 weeks to get the text to say my PIP2 form will be being posted, and I have just supported a disabled friend with his application and seen it through and the process took 5 months, although he did receive back pay. You do need a lot of evidence though.

The pursuement of PIP should be with long term gain in mind and not as a stop gap between employment as the timeframes are simply not that reliable.

Lastly it shouldn't be done on a worst days basis, it should be done on a most days basis. If most days are his worst days, fine. If most days though he does manage to get up and make himself food and get himself showered shaved and dressed but every couple of weeks he has a blip and struggles to shower or fold the laundry then he won't be entitled to it.

Another option, if at all possible, would be to rent out a spare bedroom to a lodger. Not ideal I know, but your priority is to keep your house. I've been in a similar situation and if you put a tv in the bedroom and they are out all day, they will spend most of their evening time in the room so won't be too much of an imposition. We had some lovely lodgers over the years and the rent money we received almost covered our mortgage.

There are ‘Carers’ services that will provide you with advice, support and counselling. Whilst you are supporting your husband through this, you will fit the criteria for Carer. Google will show you what Carers services are available in your area. They will also either be able to advice you on benefits, or point you to someone who can. It’s going to be fine. It’s scary now, but you’ll all get through this 💐

Oh bless you, so sorry to hear this. Take a mortgage break?

You don’t have to stay with him you know. There are options