AIBU husband w*nking

[FarmerJojo81]

What are people's views on this? I know my husband does it and he says he needs to orgasm daily so if we don't have sex for a few days then I understand he gets frustrated. I turn a blind eye but know it goes on discretely - fine. For context we have had issues with our sex live since DC was born but have been trying to get back on track and this week have been having regular sex. Today I walked into the bedroom and he was having a wank whilst watching something on his phone. I was annoyed as it was morning and I was in the kitchen getting child's breakfast. I came looking for husband to see where he was. Child could have easily walked in. I was livid.

He is now annoyed with me as I "shamed" him and overreacted. I have apologised for storming out but not for being angry and said I don't take responsibility for his actions. He's saying it's all about how I make him feel and connected to our sex life problems.

Masturbation is also good for when one of you wants sex, but the other doesn’t want sex. Most couples aren’t always in perfect sex drive harmony.

Masturbation is also good for when one of you is away on a long work trip if you’re in a monogamous relationship.

Masturbation is also good for the times you’re really heavily pregnant or just after childbirth- “go sort yourself out!” have said to DH “can’t you see I have a leech attached to one or the other boob 24/7 and all I want is to not be touched for long enough to shower!”

In our twenties, DH would masturbate before sex so he wouldn’t finish way before me and leave me in the lurch. So it is also a sex aid…

That is all in addition to the fact that masturbation is not just a substitute for sex, it’s different and a good addition to sex.

There are so many depressing assumptions about women who don't like porn. The OP's daughter is "insecure". I am old, fat and ugly. Others are prudes who are horrified at the concept of masturbation.

The idea that we might have self worth and object to the exploitation of other women is beyond comprehension. The porn industry really has done a number on society, both men and women, hasn't it?

The idea that masturbation is impossible without porn is also deeply depressing. Way to go, porn industry!

Well, yes, if you must. But one can do something else, surely? What you are saying matches exactly what I meant about transactional sex. Sex is not just about getting pleasure/release for yourself but connecting with your partner. I would see (did see?) a DH wanting sex when I was recently post-partum as using me as an object, not a person, which I would hate and not tell him to 'sort himself out' but be useful and put up the bloody shelves I want in the kitchen. I suppose I do not 'get' this new world where graphic pornography is available anywhere and pleasuring yourself is so important that it cannot wait until you are with your much loved other. Masturbation may be a pleasure on its own, but leaves me with an empty feeling that it was an entirely pointless exercise, and that I could have done something more interesting instead. Plus ca change, I suppose, but it seems a sad world.
I am not sex positivist, as you will have noticed, and I am not because of the ills this attitude has brought: the idea that doing pornography (porn-hub, Only Fans - that's both only those who like you but also only 'fannies'?) or a bit of prostitution to help through uni is a positive and empowering act. They are not; they degrade the self.
Not going to agree with most of you ever. But then I am a radical socialist, a Brexiteer (these go together if you understand the stance of Tony Benn), and a Gender Critical second wave feminist. I think I will back to the feminist boards.

@Grammarnut
What I wrote has nothing to do with “transactional sex”. From the context in which you use that term, you do not appear to know what transactional sex is. Transactional sex is doing sex in return for x or withholding sex because of y.

As in, if you buy me dinner, then I will have sex with you or because you left your dirty towel on the bathroom floor, I am withholding sex.

As for ‘do something else’ other than masturbate…what else and why?

As masturbation leaves you with “an empty feeling” and you feel it is “an entirely pointless exercise” you either aren’t masturbating properly or it’s just not something you like. That’s not a big deal. I hate oral. It is vomit inducing to me. But I’m not going to pretend this is anything other than my own personal preference and make a dozen posts trying to convince others that oral is bad, it is degrading, it is objectifying, it is somehow anti feminist…blah blah. You don’t like masturbation. End of.

You’re right porn isn’t needed to masturbate, most people masturbate without watching it, the OP’s DH wasn’t even seen using porn. It’s just been assumed that he had porn on his phone. Then away we go with posters continuously conflating masturbation with consuming porn and funding the sex trafficking industry.

both pornography and prostitution are violence against women

If my partner and I decide to create a production-style adult video and share it online for fun, would this be considered an act of violence against my partner?

The Romans used to wax their scrotum - ouch!

What relevance does this have? People still do.

@Grammarnut

"I don't see the point if you have someone you love that you can have sex with whenever you both want"

That's not entirely true. Working parents often don't have the time to have sex whenever they want. Some go weeks without any intimate time due to their busy schedules. In such cases, a quick "wank" can serve as a substitute.

I wasn't thinking of 'transactional' in the sense you mean (that is more what is meant by 'all marriage is prostitution', a mantra of my era), so you are entirely right. I was thinking in terms of there being no emotional connection between the people having sex, as if it was part of the relationship in the same way as doing the washing up or sharing the school run. Somewhat bloodless, perhaps? And mechanical?
I also agree most do not masturbate to porn (and where the idea that OP's DH was watching porn rather than reading emails or looking at his wedding photos, I am not sure, it became pervasive).
I suspect I am looking at 'sex positivity' on this board and as a not quite 'rad fem' but rather a 'second-wave feminist' I find this peculiar, esp the idea that porn does no-one any harm.

That's something that would take a whole new thread to look at.

Ok, that helps to know what you mean by transactional sex.

Why would you think that people who masturbate then have no emotional connection when they have sex? Or are you saying masturbating is like sex with no emotional connection?

Neither makes sense to me.

Well - re Roman scrotums - it's such a serious thread a little levity adds to the joy, perhaps. But really it was a reaction to being patronised.

If you want to make a porn video it may not be an act of violence to your partner (but remember if you put it online it is there forever for anyone to find, and may later cause deep regret). However, that does not negate the fact that pornography is violence against women. It damages those who watch and are told/learn that doing porn videos of your sex life is normal (it isn't, sorry). Your video is also material that can be used freely by a multi-national industry that exploits women and girls worldwide. Women and girls who may have been sexually abused and now are being abused again, having been groomed into the porn industry. So your happy porn video is now material being used to promote violence against others, both those who are persuaded by partners it's okay to make their own and share it (and they are prudish if they don't like it), and those who are trapped by circumstance in the sex industry selling their bodies for others' gratification.
If you are happy to promote international porn merchants - because that is what you are doing when you contribute a porn video of you own - then that's your choice.
Just do not assume you are harming no-one.

I suppose I mean that their is no emotional connection, rather than no emotion. It seems an empty act, which does not always have positive vibes.
Fumbling to get what I mean. It's not that the people who masturbate have no emotionals about their sex lives. It's more that a lot of people on this thread seem to be very detached in their personal relationships. Maybe I am just reading them wrong?

I think you're just reading them wrong

@Grammarnut "If my partner and I decide to create a production-style adult video and share it online for fun, would this be considered an act of violence against my partner"

No. But it's incredibly naive to think that any but a tiny minority of porn is like this. And, depressingly, a lot of the apparently happy, consensual amateur porn is very far from consensual.

Finally a little sense. Thank you.

I don’t know how you can possibly tell that from some posts on a Mumsnet thread and to presume that’s the case because they like to masturbate alone from time to time is absolutely ridiculous.

Well, I have agreed elsewhere on threat that I may be reading them wrong. It's not to do with solitary masturbation, though. It's the very cold way some speak of their relationships - but, I am clearly reading them wrong.

Still waiting to find out who DH was winking at.

the OP’s DH wasn’t even seen using porn

That's what you think.

but remember if you put it online it is there forever for anyone to find, and may later cause deep regret

No, we understand that situation completely and are comfortable with it.

However, that does not negate the fact that pornography is violence against women

No, it's not - our video has not caused any violence against women.

It damages those who watch and are told/learn that doing porn videos of your sex life is normal (it isn't, sorry)

No, watching porn in moderation typically doesn't harm individuals, unless there is concrete statistical evidence to support such claims.

Fortunately, you don't get to define what's normal or not in people's lives.

Your video is also material that can be used freely by a multi-national industry

No, the content is owned by the platform where it's being distributed. It can't be moved from one place to another without permission unless we explicitly allow it.

So your happy porn video is now material being used to promote violence against others

It's not.

Most of the claims you're making seem quite exaggerated and unfounded.

it's incredibly naive to think that any but a tiny minority of porn is like this

Homemade or amateur content has grown significantly in recent years, partly due to the rise of platforms like OnlyFans, ManyVids, and other user-generated content sites. So I would disagree.

And, depressingly, a lot of the apparently happy, consensual amateur porn is very far from consensual

While both men and women use OnlyFans, the platform is predominantly populated by female creators.

Moreover, there's an emerging trend towards "feminist porn" or "ethical porn," which is frequently produced by women. This genre emphasises consent, diversity, and an authentic representation of sexuality. Platforms like OnlyFans have empowered many women to independently create and share their own adult content, offering them greater control over their work and its presentation.

Porn always gets judged on these threads on the basis of the most extreme kind of porn - BDSM, recordings of degrading, objectifying, violent sex inflicted on women. Isn't there a considerable moral difference between that and, say, stills of naked / partially clothed happy people? Isn't the latter still porn?

If it's the objectifying and degradation in porn that matters, I guess written erotica, famously more popular with women and often featuring BDSM is also bad and shouldn't be read.

As would be fantasising about it oneself, in the privacy of one's own mind, with no external stimulus.

What a miserable world we would live in if such things were generally believed.

but remember if you put it online it is there forever for anyone to find, and may later cause deep regret

No, we understand that situation completely and are comfortable with it.

Forever?

However, that does not negate the fact that pornography is violence against women

No, it's not - our video has not caused any violence against women.

That your porn video does not harm you does not disprove that pornography and the pornography industry harm women. Normalising pornography does harm women, those trapped in prostitution and pornography, and women whose partners watch pornography. Pornography is addictive and the more you watch the more you want a hit and the rush ceases to come from mild pornography so you 'upgrade'. The 'upgraded' stuff is harming the people who make it (trafficked women, sex abuse survivors who have no self-esteem left?).

It damages those who watch and are told/learn that doing porn videos of your sex life is normal (it isn't, sorry)

No, watching porn in moderation typically doesn't harm individuals, unless there is concrete statistical evidence to support such claims.

Fortunately, you don't get to define what's normal or not in people's lives.

No, of course I don't get to decide what is normal, but nor do you. However, what is 'normal' is now so far into what we used to call hard pornography that the industry needs regulating. Young men (a large democraphic among porn watchers) in particular are at risk of believing that the practices they see in porn videos are something they can expect the girls/women they have sexual relationships with to be willing to participate in - and call frigid those that do not want to, leaving young women/girls doing things they are not at all comfortable with.

Your video is also material that can be used freely by a multi-national industry

No, the content is owned by the platform where it's being distributed. It can't be moved from one place to another without permission unless we explicitly allow it.

Rules change and platforms disappear, get bought out etc. Your video is still there and you may cease to have control over it.

So your happy porn video is now material being used to promote violence against others

It's not.

It is because it is a gateway to more pornography. You might like to explore the writing on pornography its links to violence and prostitution by women such as A. Dworkin.
That you think it's ok does not disprove anything I have said about the use of pornography or its effects.

Most of the claims you're making seem quite exaggerated and unfounded.

Every one of the claims I have made are well-documented effects of watching pornography, e.g. that it is linked to sex crimes. It is also linked to misogyny. Participating in its extreme forms leaves the men and women who do so degraded and losing all self-esteem.

Your video may be all you say - I am sure it will be. But why do you want other people to watch you having sex, and, if you did not have the wherewithal to film it, would you invite all and sundry into your bedroom? Because that is what you are doing.
Think about why that might be - and maybe explore second-wave feminist arguments on pornography. Are you - like the young men who are watching more and more extremes of pornography - anaesthetized to pornography and its effects yourself?

At last, the sex-positive attitudes now promulgated as 'healthy' have allowed the porn industry to campaign against any sort of regulation of the content they make. The result of this is more extreme pornography freely available not only to adults but to children.

@LoveLifeBeHappy "
Moreover, there's an emerging trend towards "feminist porn" or "ethical porn," which is frequently produced by women."

How do you know which porn is ethical and which isn't? Being produced by a woman is absolutely no guarantee.

The credits? Or sites like "Make Love Not Porn" by Cindy Gallop. There's a whole other world out there.

You're not very good at this, are you?

You believe the credits? Feminist porn? Most feminists are anti-pornography - unless they are sex-positive intersectional ones (and I have already said what I see as the consequences of sex-positive views: not feminism).

That’s what the OP said. Anyone who thinks differently is speculating.