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Original poster

My marriage survived my husbands affair AMA

164 replies

Incognito22 · 09/07/2024 18:22

I see a lot of posts here about cheating . The advice is always LTB. My husband cheated on my 5 years ago. It was the most awful, traumatic time of my life .

We got through it . Our marriage is better than ever ( I am NOT saying that the affair did this - it’s a whole new relationship now and the damage of the affair won’t ever be gone . ) we really worked at it and I am very glad we did .

I never found advice that told me marriages can survive . I found that lots of marriages do actually come through it but people don’t tend to talk about it . I see a lot of advice come from people that haven’t actually came through it or are from relationships where the cheater is a serial cheater . My heart breaks for these people that can’t seem to get any advice other than LTB when that isn’t what they want.

So , that’s why I’m putting this up . To see if what I went through can help anyone else or even just people who want to talk about how it affects you etc - from someone who is in a situation where they can offer advice that isn’t born from anger and hurt .

So , AMA .

OP posts:
Ididntsignuptothis · 09/07/2024 18:27

Hello,

my qs is, what are the things that made it work afterwards?

Janiie · 09/07/2024 18:27

I'm pleased you got through it and seem happy but how do you know he isn't still cheating? Don't the sort of people that cheat thrive on secret thrills?

keylimedog · 09/07/2024 18:29

How do you reconcile staying with someone who broke their vows to you, who picked another person over you and your relationship, who made a conscious decision that they wanted someone else more than the life you had together?

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Relationship problems
testing987654321 · 09/07/2024 18:30

Did you trust him before he cheated?

Do you trust him now?

SpudleyLass · 09/07/2024 18:30

Good for you.

I'd never forgive my husband though - it would totally destroy my trust in him, knowing he disrespected me so.

Fudgetheparrot · 09/07/2024 18:34

Was it a long term affair?

I always think I could maybe forgive a one off cheating event due to drinking, bad judgement, etc. but couldn’t reconcile the persistent lying and choice of an actual recurring affair

Loudhousefun · 09/07/2024 18:35

I was cheated on by my husband, once at the start of our marriage, and then on and off throughout. Each time I thought would be the last and my self esteem took a massive blow every time. Slowly starting to recover and build some self worth. I will never ever forgive him.

trevthecat · 09/07/2024 18:35

Was it a ons or an affair? I think I could forgive one night, with the right level of ownership of the act.

Original poster
Incognito22 · 09/07/2024 18:38

Ididntsignuptothis · 09/07/2024 18:27

Hello,

my qs is, what are the things that made it work afterwards?

For us - marriage counselling . We realised a lot of things about our relationship. We avoided any issues - we would sweep them under the rug. We never had deep talks about anything , we would just make up after a row and not actually talk about the issues . We made time to talk about everything and promised that we would be more open . He , especially, was very avoidant so I didn’t know the depth of his feelings .

Also , very important - it was on my terms. I didn’t hide my anger or hurt from him . I didn’t pretend I was ok . If I felt the anger - I told him that and he took what I threw at him but I made sure it was productive - not just being able to “win” an argument by playing the “ you cheated so you don’t get to ever disagree with me” card

OP posts:
Original poster
Incognito22 · 09/07/2024 18:41

Janiie · 09/07/2024 18:27

I'm pleased you got through it and seem happy but how do you know he isn't still cheating? Don't the sort of people that cheat thrive on secret thrills?

For a start , he’s never away from me . That’s not a condition of anything it’s just how it is . I never look but his phone is never hidden .

What did help me that some don’t have is that we have no children together , there is no issue of what would happen if we split in terms of who has the house etc . There’s no benefit to him being with me or me being with him other than wanting to .

OP posts:
Original poster
Incognito22 · 09/07/2024 18:43

trevthecat · 09/07/2024 18:35

Was it a ons or an affair? I think I could forgive one night, with the right level of ownership of the act.

It was over a 2 week period , when he worked away . 2 ONS with the same person . I completely believe that there was no emotion to it , I’m 100% certain of that and that there was no contact before or after these 2 weeks . Whether I believe it was only twice in those 2 weeks , I don’t know .

OP posts:
Original poster
Incognito22 · 09/07/2024 18:44

SpudleyLass · 09/07/2024 18:30

Good for you.

I'd never forgive my husband though - it would totally destroy my trust in him, knowing he disrespected me so.

It has . I’ll never fully trust him . Not in the sense that I’m on edge all the time - I’m not at all . But , I wouldn’t be able to say “ no , he wouldn’t do that “ if he was accused of it .

OP posts:
Janiie · 09/07/2024 18:44

Incognito22 · 09/07/2024 18:41

For a start , he’s never away from me . That’s not a condition of anything it’s just how it is . I never look but his phone is never hidden .

What did help me that some don’t have is that we have no children together , there is no issue of what would happen if we split in terms of who has the house etc . There’s no benefit to him being with me or me being with him other than wanting to .

Show quote history

Yes but he lied and cheated. These people find ways to get their thrills. If his phone isn't hidden aren't you worried that he has a spare elsewhere?

What made him cheat? Boredom, lack of intimacy?

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 09/07/2024 18:45

Do you feel like your marriage will survive his next affair?

BodyKeepingScore · 09/07/2024 18:46

How do you reconcile staying in a relationship with someone you say you still can't fully trust? Like how do you decide that he's trustworthy in some arenas of your life together but not others and that being the case, do you feel that makes him inherently untrustworthy?

WallaceinAnderland · 09/07/2024 18:47

How can you truly love someone who lied to you and treated you as if you were nothing?

Original poster
Incognito22 · 09/07/2024 18:48

keylimedog · 09/07/2024 18:29

How do you reconcile staying with someone who broke their vows to you, who picked another person over you and your relationship, who made a conscious decision that they wanted someone else more than the life you had together?

I haven’t got over that . I don’t think I ever will . For me , it was more of a new start . The relationship now is different to the one before he did it .

I have an understanding of what led to it , I have a part to play in that . I was not perfect and I gave him reasons to distrust me and think I was doing the same . However let me be clear that I do not think what I did justified that . I don’t make excuses for him - he made that choice and he could have stopped . I have to accept that he did something very selfish and hurt me intentionally and it took a long time to get past that. I don’t forgive him and I never will , he knows that . I’ve just chosen to accept it happened and work on our marriage after .

OP posts:
T34ch3r · 09/07/2024 18:48

Incognito22 · 09/07/2024 18:43

It was over a 2 week period , when he worked away . 2 ONS with the same person . I completely believe that there was no emotion to it , I’m 100% certain of that and that there was no contact before or after these 2 weeks . Whether I believe it was only twice in those 2 weeks , I don’t know .

Show quote history

How did you find out?

Dud he say why he did it, eg, it made him feel alive? Desired?

Zoraflora · 09/07/2024 18:48

How did you find out about the affair?

Ladybughoping · 09/07/2024 18:49

My husband had an affair last year and we have stayed together - I had a thread last week saying I was struggling (and was told to LTB, possibly rightly) so my question is, at what point did it get easier?

My husband had 6 months of sexting / flirting / sending women money and i am struggling with “this time last year” thoughts. Does that get easier?

How do you keep your confidence levels up? I feel grotty as hell and weirdly not good / pretty enough etc.

Any other advice? We have had marriage counselling and weirdly I would agree we are probably stronger than ever - totally open and much better communication. It’s still bloody brutal though.

Original poster
Incognito22 · 09/07/2024 18:49

WallaceinAnderland · 09/07/2024 18:47

How can you truly love someone who lied to you and treated you as if you were nothing?

I just do . I can’t explain that . I see him as a different person now . He was ( well is ) an alcoholic and I know he was drunk and that it was that which led him to . Had he been sober , it would have been different. That was also a condition of us staying together - that he stopped drinking . He went to an AA meeting the night that it all came out , has been going ever since and is 5 years sober .

OP posts:
T34ch3r · 09/07/2024 18:50

Who else within your circle knows?

GoodVibesHere · 09/07/2024 18:51

Did he tell you he had cheated, or did you find out/discover it some other way?

WallaceinAnderland · 09/07/2024 18:52

Don't you just feel eternally sad that you've settled for a man who didn't love or respect you?

Original poster
Incognito22 · 09/07/2024 18:57

Ladybughoping · 09/07/2024 18:49

My husband had an affair last year and we have stayed together - I had a thread last week saying I was struggling (and was told to LTB, possibly rightly) so my question is, at what point did it get easier?

My husband had 6 months of sexting / flirting / sending women money and i am struggling with “this time last year” thoughts. Does that get easier?

How do you keep your confidence levels up? I feel grotty as hell and weirdly not good / pretty enough etc.

Any other advice? We have had marriage counselling and weirdly I would agree we are probably stronger than ever - totally open and much better communication. It’s still bloody brutal though.

This does get easier, but it’s worse at those times . Every year at the time it happened and the time i found out , it comes back with a vengeance . I get angry and upset and the first year I actually left him for a few days as I couldn’t look at him . Weirdly , he can now tell when my head goes to that place and he approaches me and asks if there is anything he can do .

It was a long process , we just kept talking and made sure to make time for us . I never pushed the feelings down . I also had counselling that was just for me and I started writing in a journal . I don’t re read the journal but I feel a bit better after I have wrote . Day to day now I never think of it to be honest . Mainly the “ anniversaries “ . It’s like thinking back to something that happened to someone else . It does stop being all consuming that I promise .

Weirdly , I never felt low confidence . He was always the insecure one and he never stopped telling me how beautiful I was and I know he thinks he’s “ punching “ with me . I don’t mean to sound full of myself but I saw a photo of “her” and I’m not a confident person anyway but I thought “ really ?! “ …. His reasons were that he thought I was cheating and he was insecure . He has always been all over me but I am less like that . His sex drive is higher than mine and I know that I was pushing him away so I never felt that it was because he was more attracted to someone . I guess it was easier for me to think that he wanted me but felt like he didn’t have me and that’s why he did it. Maybe that’s silly but it’s helped me .

One thing you need to know is that IT IS NOT YOU. You did nothing wrong - it’s him . I’ve never blamed myself , you shouldn’t either .

OP posts: