It looks like the thread is dying down now , so a last post ( unless anyone does have questions ) .
Firstly , I hope this has helped some people. It’s a lonely time and it’s hard to find support if you don’t want to end the relationship .
It is really important to remember that it’s YOU as the betrayed party who matters here . The cheater made those choices - no one forced them to , despite the reasons leading to it . I have been very open in the fact that I am aware that my actions leading up did have an impact but I do not and will never believe they justified the cheating . It was not my fault . It is not your fault . Don’t take blame , don’t let them feel as though it’s justified . You can recognise them feeling neglected or lonely or whatever - without saying that it makes it ok because NOTHING makes it ok for one human to destroy another and that’s what it does . I was destroyed, I may have repaired , but I was completely destroyed .
It takes time. You won’t heal straight away , you may never heal completely. In my experience it does get easier - it’s like a broken bone . It repairs but it will always be a bit tender , you’ll always be careful , it won’t hurt as much over time but you won’t forget how much it hurt . You won’t always have those intrusive , overwhelming thoughts and it won’t always feel as raw but you won’t ever forget it .
Forgiveness is for you not them. You don’t have to reach a point where you tell them you forgive them . It’s how it feels for you. For me , forgiveness was important for me to let go of resentment . In my head I have forgiven . It was liberating for me to do that , to feel that . A turning point . I have never told him I forgive him . I won’t either . He needs to live with it and understand what he caused and I’m not giving him an easy ride for it - I don’t hold it over him at all , but my he needs to forgive himself and I don’t owe him that - I don’t owe him something to ease his guilt , he caused it he needs to decide if he forgives himself.
Therapy worked well for me and for us as a couple . It gave us tools to be open and confront things that we never did .
You don’t have to feel that because you decided to stay that’s it and you now have to live with it. If you can’t , leave . Do what’s best for you . If you stay for a year and it’s damaging you and you cannot get over it then you can leave . They caused this , you can try but if it makes you unhappy please put yourself first .
Don’t feel ashamed or weak . You did nothing wrong . It’s not weak to stay with someone who broke your heart and try to understand and move past it - it’s the opposite, it’s very strong . But, so is leaving . If you can’t get past it and you leave then you are strong for walking away from something that causes you pain but will still cause you pain . The cheater is the weak one .
Lastly , do not EVER think that you are lacking something and you are not enough because you were cheated on . Do not compare yourself to the other woman and wonder what she had that you didn’t - because in my experience on this journey and speaking to others … they tend to cheat down . I don’t mean that to be a nasty , cheap dig at the other woman but what I mean is cheaters tend to go for someone who flatters their ego and who is there and willing - a lot of time they go for woman they feel are inferior to them because they feel as though the woman is “grateful” that they are interested … they usually have low self confidence deep down ( which is why they aren’t staying committed - they are looking for more attention , more ego boosting ) someone who goes with a married man- knowingly - must surely , in my opinion , have issues themselves . The loyal wife has more of a moral compass and is a better person ( I don’t care how that sounds , but to go with a married man knowingly is deplorable ) - I would say the same about men who cheat - any woman who is reading this and their partner hasn’t cheated - yes , they have more of a moral compass than my husband - let’s face it . So don’t ever think that the other woman is better than you . Cheaters are selfish , whether they atone for what they have done and become better people , in that moment when they cheated they were very selfish .
I just hope this thread has helped. It has been a bit painful for me but it has also been therapeutic. Talking helps .