My marriage survived my husbands affair AMA

[Incognito22]

I see a lot of posts here about cheating . The advice is always LTB. My husband cheated on my 5 years ago. It was the most awful, traumatic time of my life .

We got through it . Our marriage is better than ever ( I am NOT saying that the affair did this - it’s a whole new relationship now and the damage of the affair won’t ever be gone . ) we really worked at it and I am very glad we did .

I never found advice that told me marriages can survive . I found that lots of marriages do actually come through it but people don’t tend to talk about it . I see a lot of advice come from people that haven’t actually came through it or are from relationships where the cheater is a serial cheater . My heart breaks for these people that can’t seem to get any advice other than LTB when that isn’t what they want.

So , that’s why I’m putting this up . To see if what I went through can help anyone else or even just people who want to talk about how it affects you etc - from someone who is in a situation where they can offer advice that isn’t born from anger and hurt .

So , AMA .

I am certain in the love . I never felt he didn’t love me . I do believe that men see sex as different to women .

However, the respect part ? That took a long time . I wouldn’t have been able to do this post back then .

I feel like a lot of the responses or questions here are acquisitional and blaming on the OP, like basically saying how stupid she's been in moving forward. I don't agree that cheating is a good thing at all, but people do make mistakes. Good people can do bad things. And the OP is hoping to offer people advice that need it, not to open this chat for people to try and argue she made a wrong choice.

I just found out my husband cheated. I want to make it work but keep being told to leave.
How long did it take before you weren't second guessing him as there's no trust?

He said he was angry at me . He felt that I was cheating / checked out . He was constantly thinking of what I was doing , who I was with ( we had a lot of issues - I didn’t cheat but there were reasons ) . He said he felt as though I didn’t love him and would leave him and didn’t want that but couldn’t leave me as he loved me so in a drunk state he decided that if he cheated then he would have to leave . Then he did it again after an argument the same week after that he said confirmed I didn’t want him . Then he said he came home and realised he still couldn’t leave me and desperately hoped things would change and then felt disgusting and that was the last time .

About a year . It wasn’t constant that I felt the mistrust but about a year before I felt “ok” again .

We went straight into counselling and the dynamic changed very quickly that made me feel more secure .

Thank you.

Im trying to ignore that and just focus on constructive advice

What do you mean by "men see sex as different to women"?

Sorry, have I missed how you found out?

What does "our marriage is better than ever" mean to you?

You say the damage of the affair will never go away, you’ll never fully trust him again and you don’t forgive him and never will. You even clearly say you get sad and upset at the affair “anniversary” each year so the torment is ongoing.

So how bad was your marriage before the affair, that this is better? And if it was that bad in the first place, why stay at all?

So you're not telling us how you found out?

His sob story sounds so lame I honestly don't know how you've put up with it. Bottom line is that he just fancied a shag with someone else.

Have you found it difficult to accept (? Tolerate?) his reasoning that he only slept with someone else because he believed you were cheating on him? Personally that sounds like an absolute cop out to me and rather like an attempt to blame you for his own infidelity so I guess I’m just wondering what the backstory is there, why you believe hm?

It's typical gaslighting isn't it, he thought you were cheating, he thought you'd checked out. Why can't men just be honest and say they were bored and fancied a ons?

Did you find out or did he admit it?

How did you see a photo of the OW?

Do you ever want to even the score so to speak and have a one night stand? I don't mean out of revenge but just to feel a sense of evenness - he got to feel desired by someone else and experience sex with another so I would like to do that too?

I know that's probably not healthy for the relationship but I think that would continue to bug me even if I did somehow get over the loss of trust. It would annoy me that I was still tied to vows of fidelity when he broke them.

Do you ever feel like if the opportunity came up for you to cheat that you’d take it? Considering he’s already done it to you. Or for revenge. And despite loving him, does it make you respect him less. Like does it ever make you feel like you have one up on him as the better person because of it?

You say he never leaves you, if and when he does go away, will you trust what he is up to when he isn’t around you?

How did you find out about his affair?

Why did you decide to stay?
What do you get out of the relationship?

I don't mean to sound harsh if I did, OP.

I just truly don't understand, if you're being honest with yourself, how you can get over the breach of trust.

With the best will in the world, I'd know that for at least a year or two, I'd be thinking some horrible things.

I'm genuinely glad for you if you can cope.

I think men can have sex with no emotion . I believe a man could have sex with someone else and still love their wife . I don’t think men need any kind of connection to have sex . I think men can very easily have sex with someone and think nothing of them and not think of them again . I don’t think women can do this as easily .

You say you’ll never fully trust him and that you can’t forgive what he did , you can’t get over what he did and you don’t know whether you can believe the details of how long he cheated for, for me, this is no basis for a relationship.

how can you have sex with someone who broke their wedding vows to you?

Some days I feel ok and then other days things will pop into my head and I just feel sad all over again, it's exhausting!

Because I love him , because I believed that he regretted it . I have seen his self torture , I truly believe he regrets it and the hurt he caused me will never leave him . It might be hard to understand but unless you are me you won’t .

What I get now is a truly happy marriage . I feel loved , I know I am loved , I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else .

Im also a confident and capable woman. I am independent and know I can live without him . It’s just that I choose not to .

I'm not one to judge. I can understand people have their reasons for staying.

The thing is the OP has said the relationship is 'better than ever' but then in response to questions has described some very negative things about the relationship since the affair. Like lingering anger and never quite being able to trust him again. This doesn't sound like a good relationship and if this is 'better than ever' then how bad was it before?

Yes this happens. I had days of laying in bed unable to get images out of my head. I thought I would always be like that and believe me I did consider leaving him and I did for a little while , about 2 weeks . I didn’t think I would ever get through it , but I did .

love to you - it’s soul destroying , there is no pain like it . You are grieving the relationship you lost because in all honesty it won’t be the same. It’s different . I’m not unhappy , I’m very , very happy and I don’t feel my relationship is worse but it is different . He’s not someone I know will never hurt me , I believe he won’t again but I can’t ever say he won’t because how can I after that .