Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

My marriage survived my husbands affair AMA

164 replies

Incognito22 · 09/07/2024 18:22

I see a lot of posts here about cheating . The advice is always LTB. My husband cheated on my 5 years ago. It was the most awful, traumatic time of my life .

We got through it . Our marriage is better than ever ( I am NOT saying that the affair did this - it’s a whole new relationship now and the damage of the affair won’t ever be gone . ) we really worked at it and I am very glad we did .

I never found advice that told me marriages can survive . I found that lots of marriages do actually come through it but people don’t tend to talk about it . I see a lot of advice come from people that haven’t actually came through it or are from relationships where the cheater is a serial cheater . My heart breaks for these people that can’t seem to get any advice other than LTB when that isn’t what they want.

So , that’s why I’m putting this up . To see if what I went through can help anyone else or even just people who want to talk about how it affects you etc - from someone who is in a situation where they can offer advice that isn’t born from anger and hurt .

So , AMA .

OP posts:
Original poster
Incognito22 · 09/07/2024 20:31

azafata2 · 09/07/2024 20:26

Thank you for you honest answer .You did say AMA.

So you were worried if it had been you he would have spiralled into depression etc. Are you "saving" him at your expense. Why. What do you want as an individual without a man/partner? This is asked with respect.

No , I’m not. I can honestly say that my decision is not based on how he would cope without me.

Every decision was made by me with my own happiness in mind . I am not responsible for his happiness and wouldn’t stay to make sure he didn’t spiral.

Everything I would want as an individual, I have now and would have without him. My life has been made by me , I have a career I love , I am financially independent . I have a child , not his , I would be just fine without him. I just don’t want to be . But I know I wouldn’t fall apart without him.

OP posts:
Conniebygaslight · 09/07/2024 20:35

How is it for you writing this thread OP….?
does it sting or are you ok? It’s a courageous and thoughtful thing to do &
hats off to you for reaching out to try to help others.
I think a word of caution though that your story might be taken as hope to some woman who may ultimately open themselves up for more hurt.
Forgiveness has to be genuinely sought by the cheater to even begin to rebuild.

azafata2 · 09/07/2024 20:36

Hi again

That is great but I would lose the premise that "without me he would have fallen apart". Do you still feel that? If that were always on the back of my mind I would feel a power shift that you are totally in control now. Will a due respect do you ever say "without me you would have fallen apart"?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
azafata2 · 09/07/2024 20:37

Or would you have?

zebedeehadapoint · 09/07/2024 20:43

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 09/07/2024 18:45

Do you feel like your marriage will survive his next affair?

Really? That's your question? Just nasty

azafata2 · 09/07/2024 20:43

Sorry meant " he would have fallen apart"
Would you have as well?
You did say AMA

Original poster
Incognito22 · 09/07/2024 20:55

Conniebygaslight · 09/07/2024 20:35

How is it for you writing this thread OP….?
does it sting or are you ok? It’s a courageous and thoughtful thing to do &
hats off to you for reaching out to try to help others.
I think a word of caution though that your story might be taken as hope to some woman who may ultimately open themselves up for more hurt.
Forgiveness has to be genuinely sought by the cheater to even begin to rebuild.

It is bringing up some old feelings . I knew it would though .

YES. If I have not been clear about this then please hear me when I say THE CHEATER HAS TO WANT TO CHANGE. It is not worth losing yourself to someone who doesn’t really want to change and doesn’t feel genuine remorse. All decisions also have to be for YOU not them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Incognito22 · 09/07/2024 20:56

azafata2 · 09/07/2024 20:36

Hi again

That is great but I would lose the premise that "without me he would have fallen apart". Do you still feel that? If that were always on the back of my mind I would feel a power shift that you are totally in control now. Will a due respect do you ever say "without me you would have fallen apart"?

No i have never said that. I never would .

OP posts:
Original poster
Incognito22 · 09/07/2024 20:57

azafata2 · 09/07/2024 20:43

Sorry meant " he would have fallen apart"
Would you have as well?
You did say AMA

Temporarily maybe but I would have coped . I wouldn’t have spiralled . I would have been heartbroken but I would have got over it .

OP posts:
Original poster
Incognito22 · 09/07/2024 21:02

Janiie · 09/07/2024 19:13

It's typical gaslighting isn't it, he thought you were cheating, he thought you'd checked out. Why can't men just be honest and say they were bored and fancied a ons?

Did you find out or did he admit it?

Edited

I believe his thoughts . Had he been sober then I would have felt differently but I believe his alcohol fuelled thoughts would have been this .

I found a suspicious message . I confronted him , he told me . The message didn’t clarify it and I made all sorts of excuses in my head but deep down I knew . I gave him one chance to tell me .

OP posts:
Original poster
Incognito22 · 09/07/2024 21:04

Muffin101 · 09/07/2024 19:12

Have you found it difficult to accept (? Tolerate?) his reasoning that he only slept with someone else because he believed you were cheating on him? Personally that sounds like an absolute cop out to me and rather like an attempt to blame you for his own infidelity so I guess I’m just wondering what the backstory is there, why you believe hm?

Edited

I know my actions and believe they did look like what he thought .

I know it was alcohol fuelled and believe that played a part in his perception .

OP posts:
Unforgettablefire · 09/07/2024 21:04

Houseplanter · 09/07/2024 19:38

There's some really judgemental posts on this thread.

Sounds like OP made her choices over a long period of time and isn't under any illusions.

Rather than look down your nose at her, maybe supporting another woman's decisions would be better.

This.
The sheer guts it must take to work through something like this is immense it's more than a lot of us could do.
OP you've got your head screwed on the right way I hope you have many happy years together.

Original poster
Incognito22 · 09/07/2024 21:06

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 09/07/2024 18:45

Do you feel like your marriage will survive his next affair?

Do I believe my marriage would survive another affair ?

No.

I wouldn’t even try . He saw my pain unfiltered . He knows the damage it did . If he could do that again after that… well I think I would go as far to say that would be emotional abuse . It would be over - nothing would change my mind on that .

OP posts:
Original poster
Incognito22 · 09/07/2024 21:07

Unforgettablefire · 09/07/2024 21:04

This.
The sheer guts it must take to work through something like this is immense it's more than a lot of us could do.
OP you've got your head screwed on the right way I hope you have many happy years together.

Show quote history

Thank you for your lovely words

OP posts:
azafata2 · 09/07/2024 21:07

Well you have been amazing in your answers. I so impressed by you maturity and philosophy of love. Enjoy. Yes forgiveness is the greatest gift you can give. Love it! However both ways remember because for me it is endless. Have a great life and relationship. The more you give yourself the more you can give back. However remember not at the expense of your own life. Good Luck.😃

Original poster
Incognito22 · 09/07/2024 21:08

azafata2 · 09/07/2024 21:07

Well you have been amazing in your answers. I so impressed by you maturity and philosophy of love. Enjoy. Yes forgiveness is the greatest gift you can give. Love it! However both ways remember because for me it is endless. Have a great life and relationship. The more you give yourself the more you can give back. However remember not at the expense of your own life. Good Luck.😃

Thank you - very thoughtful and lovely words

OP posts:
ginandc · 09/07/2024 21:08

Well done for posting OP. I Don't want to hi jack your thread and I'm too cowardly to post my own AMA.

I cheated on my husband, confessed and he forgave me. It was the worst mistake I ever made. This was 6 years ago and we recovered.

I had loads of counselling and meds. I read books, listened to podcasts and s videos. He just wanted to move on. I am really lucky. Life is good and I can honestly see how marriages survive.

We really do get on. Like you - no shared children and could both live alone so didn't stay together out of duty.

My reasons for cheating were tacky and pathetic. I have no defence. As I say I don't want to derail but I think it's good to discuss the fact that people fuck up but that it's not always the end.

Original poster
Incognito22 · 09/07/2024 21:16

ginandc · 09/07/2024 21:08

Well done for posting OP. I Don't want to hi jack your thread and I'm too cowardly to post my own AMA.

I cheated on my husband, confessed and he forgave me. It was the worst mistake I ever made. This was 6 years ago and we recovered.

I had loads of counselling and meds. I read books, listened to podcasts and s videos. He just wanted to move on. I am really lucky. Life is good and I can honestly see how marriages survive.

We really do get on. Like you - no shared children and could both live alone so didn't stay together out of duty.

My reasons for cheating were tacky and pathetic. I have no defence. As I say I don't want to derail but I think it's good to discuss the fact that people fuck up but that it's not always the end.

Thank you for sharing and feel free to hijack ! You may also help someone. I hope - and am sure you do - you know the courage it took for your husband to do this and the pain he must have felt . You are lucky to have that forgiveness in your life and I’m glad you sought help. A mistake doesn’t define you .

Im interested - did you think of your husband when you did it ? My husband says he didn’t think of me . He says he did after but in that moment he felt as though we were over and he felt anger at me . He also says he felt nothing for the woman and she was just a means to an end . He admits to me that he treated her with no respect and just told got up and walked out without a word .

OP posts:
rwalker · 09/07/2024 21:16

Not a question but a comment for OP
I know a couple that are nearly 20 years post affair

think there the most solid couple I know
they were extremely open about it the world and his wife knew
they gave it 12 months said it was the biggest wake up call ever and similar to OP it would of been very easy to split when it happened so they had nothing to lose by giving it another go

Original poster
Incognito22 · 09/07/2024 21:20

rwalker · 09/07/2024 21:16

Not a question but a comment for OP
I know a couple that are nearly 20 years post affair

think there the most solid couple I know
they were extremely open about it the world and his wife knew
they gave it 12 months said it was the biggest wake up call ever and similar to OP it would of been very easy to split when it happened so they had nothing to lose by giving it another go

This was a part of my train of thought . I was hurt . That wasn’t going away . Trying and failing wouldn’t make the hurt worse - If anything I would know I tried rather than leaving and going over in my head how sorry he seemed and wondering . I also knew he would try to win me back . Then I knew I would be low and sad and probably go back anyway . So I thought- why go through life with what ifs ? If anything , taking the what ifs away would make my healing easier

OP posts:
ginandc · 09/07/2024 21:23

^Thank you for sharing and feel free to hijack ! You may also help someone. I hope - and am sure you do - you know the courage it took for your husband to do this and the pain he must have felt . You are lucky to have that forgiveness in your life and I’m glad you sought help. A mistake doesn’t define you .

Im interested - did you think of your husband when you did it ? My husband says he didn’t think of me . He says he did after but in that moment he felt as though we were over and he felt anger at me . He also says he felt nothing for the woman and she was just a means to an end . He admits to me that he treated her with no respect and just told got up and walked out without a word .^

I never spoke about my husband or bad mouthed him. I had a weird cognitive dissonance and separated my emotions. Like the love you have for your parents. It's different but there's room for both. I know this reads as BS but at the time I believed my own narrative.

I had limmerance with the OM. He was really different to my husband. Bit cliche really but I had an emotional affair as well as physical. Sad

Original poster
Incognito22 · 09/07/2024 21:28

ginandc · 09/07/2024 21:23

^Thank you for sharing and feel free to hijack ! You may also help someone. I hope - and am sure you do - you know the courage it took for your husband to do this and the pain he must have felt . You are lucky to have that forgiveness in your life and I’m glad you sought help. A mistake doesn’t define you .

Im interested - did you think of your husband when you did it ? My husband says he didn’t think of me . He says he did after but in that moment he felt as though we were over and he felt anger at me . He also says he felt nothing for the woman and she was just a means to an end . He admits to me that he treated her with no respect and just told got up and walked out without a word .^

I never spoke about my husband or bad mouthed him. I had a weird cognitive dissonance and separated my emotions. Like the love you have for your parents. It's different but there's room for both. I know this reads as BS but at the time I believed my own narrative.

I had limmerance with the OM. He was really different to my husband. Bit cliche really but I had an emotional affair as well as physical. Sad

Hats off to your husband. I feel like I would have found an emotional affair worse somehow .

Do you still think of it ? In terms of the guilt ? My husband displayed a lot of self loathing after . There were lots of gifts , tiptoeing around me , I craved normality . He had always been one for gifts , but he wasn’t one to just not argue back before and for a while he just wouldn’t . Even things that weren’t related to what he did .. he would just roll over for a while and I know I was in a position to really take advantage but I didn’t like it - he didn’t seem like him. That’s stopped now ! But still , sometimes I see the guilt on things like our wedding anniversary - I said to him once that our wedding day is tarnished because I’m happy in all the photos not knowing what’s to come and that I can’t ever say married life has been perfect so I’ll see a change in him around then with the guilt etc .

OP posts:
letsgoooo · 09/07/2024 21:34

Flopsy145 · 09/07/2024 19:42

Does it not always play on your mind? I feel like I would always be thinking during sex "you touched her like that" or "you kissed her like that" and it would send me mad. Or does it go away?

Most people have had past partners. I can see how thinking this could fade in the same way most of us don't think 'you loved XXX once. You did XXXXX with XXXX once'

letsgoooo · 09/07/2024 21:37

coldcallerbaiter · 09/07/2024 20:09

Sounds like a OP post from a man tbh. Apologist for men. Men and women see things differently etc etc.

I tell you what, if it was my dh, yes I might stay, I do not want to give up my lifestyle. I sure as hell would get myself a boyfriend once in a while.
I would want to get even. His toothbrush would be regularly used to clean the toilet too.

Forgive, no never…

Edited

What a pointless existence that would be then.

Original poster
Incognito22 · 09/07/2024 21:41

letsgoooo · 09/07/2024 21:34

Most people have had past partners. I can see how thinking this could fade in the same way most of us don't think 'you loved XXX once. You did XXXXX with XXXX once'

Show quote history

A good way to put it , I think that’s exactly how it’s faded . I don’t think of her at all . I did, for a while , but I believe that she got her commupence from it. It was clear in messages I saw that she wanted more and he did not . It was quite clear that she was used by him . In any other situation I would feel sorry for her but she was completely aware he was married so I do not .

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread