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Original poster

My marriage survived my husbands affair AMA

164 replies

Incognito22 · 09/07/2024 18:22

I see a lot of posts here about cheating . The advice is always LTB. My husband cheated on my 5 years ago. It was the most awful, traumatic time of my life .

We got through it . Our marriage is better than ever ( I am NOT saying that the affair did this - it’s a whole new relationship now and the damage of the affair won’t ever be gone . ) we really worked at it and I am very glad we did .

I never found advice that told me marriages can survive . I found that lots of marriages do actually come through it but people don’t tend to talk about it . I see a lot of advice come from people that haven’t actually came through it or are from relationships where the cheater is a serial cheater . My heart breaks for these people that can’t seem to get any advice other than LTB when that isn’t what they want.

So , that’s why I’m putting this up . To see if what I went through can help anyone else or even just people who want to talk about how it affects you etc - from someone who is in a situation where they can offer advice that isn’t born from anger and hurt .

So , AMA .

OP posts:
Choirreality · 09/07/2024 19:54

What did you want from friends and/or family when you found out? How could I have supported you in a way that would have genuinely helped you?

I am supporting a friend and I believe reconciliation and splitting up are both perfectly good decisions. But I’m sick of hearing ‘dump him’ from everyone.

Also everyone seems to think she should be fine now as they feel she has had time to get over it (6 months). The lady is very upset and I just feel that it has demonstrated how little they understand about infidelity and how they lack compassion, in a way it feels selfish. It’s been eye opening to be honest and not in a good way.

I think too many people think it will never happen to them.

Original poster
Incognito22 · 09/07/2024 19:56

Please just be mindful that there are a lot of comments and I also have a life 🤣 I don’t mean to miss some and if I disappear I will come back ( I work full time so can’t always be on here ) . There is no question I won’t answer with honesty.

Someone said I’m being vague about how I found out but I have posted that too ,

OP posts:
Woope · 09/07/2024 19:57

Incognito22 · 09/07/2024 19:45

I think there are many reasons for cheating . Some at narcissistics and thrive. Some like you are looking for escape . Some make bad choices and regret it .

Show quote history

Agree OP. And I didn’t mean to intimate that people who have affairs have a bad relationship. Just that it’s not as clear cut as doing it for the thrill. I’m glad it worked out for you and your capacity to forgive is mature and admirable.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
Original poster
Incognito22 · 09/07/2024 19:59

Choirreality · 09/07/2024 19:54

What did you want from friends and/or family when you found out? How could I have supported you in a way that would have genuinely helped you?

I am supporting a friend and I believe reconciliation and splitting up are both perfectly good decisions. But I’m sick of hearing ‘dump him’ from everyone.

Also everyone seems to think she should be fine now as they feel she has had time to get over it (6 months). The lady is very upset and I just feel that it has demonstrated how little they understand about infidelity and how they lack compassion, in a way it feels selfish. It’s been eye opening to be honest and not in a good way.

I think too many people think it will never happen to them.

I didn’t tell too many people. I told members of his family who I am close to . He also told them . I told my mom and a close friend .

I wanted understanding . I wanted them to understand my reasons and try and believe that I really believed them and wasn’t making excuses . I wanted them to not see me as weak - as I never felt weak . I made decisions with my eyes wide open. Everyone I told was very supportive , no one said “ leave him “ . They all knew him and knew how well he treated me and were all in shock as everyone saw us as the perfect couple and everyone saw the love he had always had for me .. so I think they were as shocked as me .

I also didn’t want people to hate him . Not for him but for me. They could hate him for what he did but I didn’t want every bit of his character assassinated and everything he had done in the years before to just all he wiped out because of this .

OP posts:
Original poster
Incognito22 · 09/07/2024 20:04

WallaceinAnderland · 09/07/2024 19:33

How can you be 'certain' of his love?

When you love someone you don't deliberately, intentionally and repeatedly do something that you know will hurt them terribly. That is the absolute opposite of how you behave when you love and adore someone. You couldn't make yourself do it, it would hurt too much to know you were shitting on them, breaking their heart, ruining their happiness, destroying their trust. It's awful, awful behaviour, how can you equate that with love?

If that's what you think love is OP then I don't think you value yourself enough.

It comes from knowing him and it’s not something someone outside could understand. Before this I would always be a LTB !

His life could be easier without me. I don’t mean that as a negative to me but he’s the higher earner , he could very easily start a new life - new home etc . He has no “benefit” to staying with me … we don’t have children so he doesn’t have to think he can’t leave me because of the children . I also could cope financially without him so he doesn’t have to worry that I would be left with nothing if we split. We don’t share friends - I mean we do , obviously - but not in a way that he would lose his friends . So , the only reason I can think he is with me is because he loves me .

If we had children , I think it would have been harder .

OP posts:
Original poster
Incognito22 · 09/07/2024 20:07

DysmalRadius · 09/07/2024 19:45

This is probably a bit frivolous but I've always wondered what happens when you're watching TV and someone embarks on an affair or someone you're chatting to alludes to cheating - is it super awkward? Do you ignore? Can you laugh about it?

It has been awkward . As I say now things are different so it’s not really .

I remember watching a film with him and a woman found out about an affair and she was giving a big speech about how hurt she was etc . I didn’t say anything . He just came and gave me a cuddle and none of us said anything . He recognised how it could have made me feel and he didn’t ignore it but he didn’t force me into saying anything . That was the way to deal with it for me .

OP posts:
Original poster
Incognito22 · 09/07/2024 20:08

GoodVibesHere · 09/07/2024 19:09

So you're not telling us how you found out?

His sob story sounds so lame I honestly don't know how you've put up with it. Bottom line is that he just fancied a shag with someone else.

I have posted it .

OP posts:
azafata2 · 09/07/2024 20:09

What if it had been you who were drunk at the time and slept with someone. Kept it secret, then did it again. What would his reaction have been do you think?

Just interested ?

Original poster
Incognito22 · 09/07/2024 20:09

Fudgetheparrot · 09/07/2024 18:34

Was it a long term affair?

I always think I could maybe forgive a one off cheating event due to drinking, bad judgement, etc. but couldn’t reconcile the persistent lying and choice of an actual recurring affair

Not sure if I replied to you . It was twice , over a 2 week period when he was working away. He was drunk. He’s an alcoholic . He gave up the day I found out and is 5 years sober now .

OP posts:
coldcallerbaiter · 09/07/2024 20:09

Sounds like a OP post from a man tbh. Apologist for men. Men and women see things differently etc etc.

I tell you what, if it was my dh, yes I might stay, I do not want to give up my lifestyle. I sure as hell would get myself a boyfriend once in a while.
I would want to get even. His toothbrush would be regularly used to clean the toilet too.

Forgive, no never…

PossumintheHouse · 09/07/2024 20:12

You found out accidentally by seeing a message on his phone. So do you now have full access to his texts, emails, browser history, social media?

Original poster
Incognito22 · 09/07/2024 20:13

azafata2 · 09/07/2024 20:09

What if it had been you who were drunk at the time and slept with someone. Kept it secret, then did it again. What would his reaction have been do you think?

Just interested ?

I don’t know . How I know him , I think he would have walked out . Then probably gone in to a depression and his alcoholism get worse . I don’t think he could have been how I was . He’s more insecure than me . He’s not possessive or anything like that but ways I was acting ( not deliberate , I wasn’t cheating but i understand how it looked ) made him convinced I was cheating or up to something and put him in an alcohol fuelled state that made him want to do it to me and force him to leave me so that he didn’t have to deal with me telling him I had cheated or that I didn’t love him .

I do not think he could ever have dealt with the fact that someone else has touched me .

OP posts:
feelingalittlehorse · 09/07/2024 20:14

Just out of interest, if it had been a longer term affair with messaging etc, say over 6-12 months, would that have been a dealbreaker? At what point would there have been one?
No judgement from me by the way, most marriages/ long term relationships I know of where there has been an affair, have stayed together after it came out. Advice online obviously is different, but I’ve found in reality, not many couples break up after.

Original poster
Incognito22 · 09/07/2024 20:15

PossumintheHouse · 09/07/2024 20:12

You found out accidentally by seeing a message on his phone. So do you now have full access to his texts, emails, browser history, social media?

If I want it , yes .

I don’t look - I think if I felt the need to do that and felt that we could only survive if he had no privacy then it would be over . I couldn’t deal with feeling the need to check everything . That’s no life to live .

I know his password ( but then I always did ) . He leaves his phone around , will ask me to check who has text him etc . I think in the early days this was to reassure me but now I think that he doesn’t think twice because he has nothing to hide .

OP posts:
azafata2 · 09/07/2024 20:16

Hi again

What do you mean "I had not cheated but that is how it looked". To whom you or you husband?

Original poster
Incognito22 · 09/07/2024 20:16

feelingalittlehorse · 09/07/2024 20:14

Just out of interest, if it had been a longer term affair with messaging etc, say over 6-12 months, would that have been a dealbreaker? At what point would there have been one?
No judgement from me by the way, most marriages/ long term relationships I know of where there has been an affair, have stayed together after it came out. Advice online obviously is different, but I’ve found in reality, not many couples break up after.

Yes it would. I couldn’t deal with that .

It’s only because I’m certain of what it was and the circumstances that I could . An emotional connection would have been too much .

OP posts:
Original poster
Incognito22 · 09/07/2024 20:19

azafata2 · 09/07/2024 20:16

Hi again

What do you mean "I had not cheated but that is how it looked". To whom you or you husband?

Both .

I was being a bit secretive, chatting to new people , I was very distant . I was in a new circle , new job etc . I wasn’t answering his calls or texts much when he was away ( it was exhaustion mainly but we weren’t in a great place and I was kind of just living my own life ) . He would call , text - lovely messages and just calling to speak to me and he wasn’t my priority in all honesty. I also locked my social media down and didn’t have my full name ( so not my married name ) . This was due to my job but tying it in with everything else … I can completely understand how it looked .

OP posts:
Finallyfreenearly · 09/07/2024 20:19

I suppose the big difference is the kind of relationship you once had with him or thought you could have again. Mine was an abusive narcissist so the affairs were a perfect excuse to leave. There was nothing worth fighting for. He feels the opposite and wants to get back together - he says he will always love me and was just in a dark place because of work.

Nope, I’ve met someone new and now know what a trusting, healthy, loving, supportive relationship feels like. I’m glad you worked things out and hope you feel all of those things.

Original poster
Incognito22 · 09/07/2024 20:19

coldcallerbaiter · 09/07/2024 20:09

Sounds like a OP post from a man tbh. Apologist for men. Men and women see things differently etc etc.

I tell you what, if it was my dh, yes I might stay, I do not want to give up my lifestyle. I sure as hell would get myself a boyfriend once in a while.
I would want to get even. His toothbrush would be regularly used to clean the toilet too.

Forgive, no never…

Edited

I’m definitely not a man !

OP posts:
Original poster
Incognito22 · 09/07/2024 20:21

Finallyfreenearly · 09/07/2024 20:19

I suppose the big difference is the kind of relationship you once had with him or thought you could have again. Mine was an abusive narcissist so the affairs were a perfect excuse to leave. There was nothing worth fighting for. He feels the opposite and wants to get back together - he says he will always love me and was just in a dark place because of work.

Nope, I’ve met someone new and now know what a trusting, healthy, loving, supportive relationship feels like. I’m glad you worked things out and hope you feel all of those things.

Im glad you have found happiness .

Our relationship was always good. He treated me amazingly - maybe I took it for granted a bit ( didn’t justify what he did ) . He was besotted with me , I was with him I just didn’t show it like he does . I have been called an ice queen in the past . I don’t mean too but I’m just not a soppy person.

OP posts:
coldcallerbaiter · 09/07/2024 20:22

Stop kidding yourself OP. It is a deal-breaker. By all means stay but it is a different and poorer relationship now. Many women have stayed the same as you, that is ok, you do not have to make excuses. Cheating does not make a relationship stronger….he may have been besotted with you once but that must have worn off. A lot of men act besotted, which makes it such a surprise when they cheat.

Original poster
Incognito22 · 09/07/2024 20:24

coldcallerbaiter · 09/07/2024 20:09

Sounds like a OP post from a man tbh. Apologist for men. Men and women see things differently etc etc.

I tell you what, if it was my dh, yes I might stay, I do not want to give up my lifestyle. I sure as hell would get myself a boyfriend once in a while.
I would want to get even. His toothbrush would be regularly used to clean the toilet too.

Forgive, no never…

Edited

I’ve not forgiven fully I don’t think . Forgiving was a big thing for me I think forgiveness can be therapeutic for the hurt party . I understand his reasons that led him to get to that point but not the act of it . I believe he’s sorry , I believe he regrets it . I believe he loves me and I love him. I believe he tortures himself and I believe that the man he is now is not that man .

Bit to forgive it as in to say it’s ok ? No .

OP posts:
azafata2 · 09/07/2024 20:26

Thank you for you honest answer .You did say AMA.

So you were worried if it had been you he would have spiralled into depression etc. Are you "saving" him at your expense. Why. What do you want as an individual without a man/partner? This is asked with respect.

Original poster
Incognito22 · 09/07/2024 20:27

coldcallerbaiter · 09/07/2024 20:22

Stop kidding yourself OP. It is a deal-breaker. By all means stay but it is a different and poorer relationship now. Many women have stayed the same as you, that is ok, you do not have to make excuses. Cheating does not make a relationship stronger….he may have been besotted with you once but that must have worn off. A lot of men act besotted, which makes it such a surprise when they cheat.

Edited

I’m not kidding myself . You don’t have to believe that , it’s not your life and I don’t think it’s possible for anyone to understand unless they have been through my exact situation ( which no one has because it’s me and my husband so no one ever will - it may be similar but we are individual people ) .

Cheating didn’t make us stronger . Cheating damaged me and changed me as a person . Cheating destroyed a part of me and a part of us . Our marriage is stronger because of the events that happened after . Had I never found out and we had never had the therapy and changed the dynamic then I don’t think we would have lasted . It forced us to confront things .

I would never say cheating makes a marriage stronger .

OP posts: