My marriage survived my husbands affair AMA

[Incognito22]

I see a lot of posts here about cheating . The advice is always LTB. My husband cheated on my 5 years ago. It was the most awful, traumatic time of my life .

We got through it . Our marriage is better than ever ( I am NOT saying that the affair did this - it’s a whole new relationship now and the damage of the affair won’t ever be gone . ) we really worked at it and I am very glad we did .

I never found advice that told me marriages can survive . I found that lots of marriages do actually come through it but people don’t tend to talk about it . I see a lot of advice come from people that haven’t actually came through it or are from relationships where the cheater is a serial cheater . My heart breaks for these people that can’t seem to get any advice other than LTB when that isn’t what they want.

So , that’s why I’m putting this up . To see if what I went through can help anyone else or even just people who want to talk about how it affects you etc - from someone who is in a situation where they can offer advice that isn’t born from anger and hurt .

So , AMA .

I’m sorry you went through it too . It shouldn’t have to be good “ as long as you don’t rock the boat” - you were hurt and betrayed and he should be doing everything in his power to help you to heal!! You deserve that ! He has no idea what it takes for you to be able to do this - I know how hard it is .

please make sure you put yourself first . I am all for trying to work things out , if that’s possible , but not if it destroys you in the process . My inbox is always open if you ever need to talk. Please be kind to yourself 💐

I'm going through something and feel like my life has fallen apart. Found out a week ago my husband has been txting/sexting another women on and off for 6 months. I didn't suspect anything, he's begging for forgivenss and doing all the right things. Im so hurt, love him and want us to try and fix things. He know's he's got alot to do if i stay.

My aunty found out her husband was cheating for 4 months she is a very calm woman so sweet.
He begged and pleaded it was a mistake he loves her so much it will never happen again.
He offered to do whatever she wanted asking for a second chance.
She calmy told him that affairs are not mistakes if you truly loved me you wouldnt hurt me like this she then told him you can have a second chance but not with me because i will not be second best in my marriage.
She said if we did try to work on it i will always know you got away with it and you may do it again but you may be more cleaver at hiding it im not going to risk it.
She filed for divorce and remarried 9 years latter to a wonderful man still together 3 grown up kids.
Him he remarried but cheated again.

Sometimes it can work out sometimes not i dont think i could work it out because im worth more than second best and my aunts words will always ring in my ears.

Mintgum it takes a strong person to show guts like your auntie. I wish I'd had guts twelve months ago...

Anyway at the end of my tether, yesterday, I sent my DH lots of Web links about emotional cheating, gaslighting, stone walling etc. I was sick of tears and tantrums - we were well and truly stuck in a cycle and I had enough.

Me pushing for answers- him always in denial mode. That's an understatement....

Reading the links, finally he gets it.
There it was in black and white.
He had an emotional affair-
He admits to being devastated at the hurt he's caused me and understands why our marriage is now on its knees. He says he's committed to working on repairing and rebuilding our future together.

He admits the links were a "hell of a read". I finally had guts!
It only took twelve months. 😪

It's interesting how many women still think that there's a "type" that cheats. No, there isn't. Any man, at any age, whether genuinely happily married or not is capable of cheating. Men are driven by sex and ego in a way that women (usually) are not. It's just the lack of opportunity that prevents most of them.

Thank you for sharing. 2 years 3 months since i found out. Some days are easier than others for me. Not a single day goes by that its not on my mind. Day before i found out i had even said to him how lucky we were to have what we had - what a fool i ended up feeling like. we had, had conversations that he had bought up about how disgusted he was with one of his work collegue for cheating on his wife, he seemed so genuinely disgusted as he spouted the ‘i just do not understand how anyone can do it, i couldnt’. I haven’t told anyone anything. I didn’t want other peoples opinions, i know that anyone i know will not support me, i know that once you tell people things change even if they don't mean too. I cant get my head round it, ill never understand. Doesn't even have any excuse as to why he did it(just messaging other women) which to start off with i thought maybe i was being over the top for just a couple of messages to the latest tart that sent him a message). Nothing had ever hurt me like this. When i was younger there wouldnt have been the slightest chance id have stayed. But here i am paranoid, hurt, never cried so much, angry, feel lost, things that i used to care about im just not bothered about any more, nothing else seems to worry or upset me, because that betrayal has numbed every thing else. And i have rambled on when i just wanted to say thank you for sharing because all there is out there is leave advice like you said.

This makes no sense, unless you think all men are fundamentally gay and shagging each other, because past that if a man cheats, he’s doing it with a woman,

Op what changed. You told us a few weeks ago I don’t forgive him and I never will , he knows that and now For me , forgiveness was important for me to let go of resentment . In my head I have forgiven

Heart breaking is’t it. I found a deleted screenshot of a women on our ipad when i was trying to clear space on it. The day before i see someone who we knew who had split up with her partner and i said to my partner we are so lucky to have what we have - amazing how life changes in a moment. Im most definitely not coping well. Im holding it together though, nobody else knows and nobody seems to be noticing how miserable i am. Never cried so much in my life as i have this last two years. I can honestly say there has not been a single day it hasnt been there on my mind. I really hope in the future i become less broken. I want things to work out, i do not want the last 15years to have been a waste over a couple of sleezy messages with strangers. Be better if he actually had a reason for it, but no complaints about the relationship, just an idiot that couldn't just delete the friend requests and message requests, half of them were only trying to recruit for their Onlyfans, but he was pathetic enough to ask them for pics. it is hard staying, hope things work out for you. Its a rough road ahead.

What's with these men who swear undying love for their wives and partners yet secretly they go on to live a double life. A fantasy life away from reality. It's only when they get confronted with that reality stick do they squirm and beg for mercy. "I didn't do anything.
It was only messaging. It's not an affair".. "affairs mean sex" he has repeatedly told me ..blah!

No mate. An affair means a secret life. Tucked away out of plain sight from your wife. The fact that you did not put a (X) kiss after any message does not exonerate you.
The fact you did not directly give her a "yes" when she asked to meet for coffee. Hey, but rather you still carried on messaging, keeping your options open. Giving her your undivided attention so, therefore, keeping her hanging on to your every word. Boosting your weak fragile male ego. A man at his age and position who should have known better.

The fact that the messages went on for maybe 5 months. Your ill health at the time probably meant you had less freedom to "escape" from me so your secret was not able to be consummated in real terms. But I beat myself up that it would have if I hadn't found out and blocked her. You did not offer to block her!

Maybe the fact that you both shared meaningful conversations, at all times of the day and night. Hey, even when you sent her a selfie when you were on holiday with me...
Maybe it's because you messaged her from the airport... or is it when you messaged her on my BIRTHDAY.

Or maybe it's just because YOU LEFT ME BEHIND!

But of course, you have explained all of the above to me so many times. You have excuse after excuses. Over 13 months you now say it's gone on far too long and we should put this "nonsense" behind us. That's one thing we do actually agree -

to stop me from filing last week, he finally agreed to couples counselling... wish me well 😇

Writing it down actually helps...

Good luck, hope you can work things out. Its not easy is it. 😊 i think i need some counselling or something. Do you find its on your mind daily?

Oh My DH finally relented to having counselling 13 months after the discovery day! We've had two sessions and to be honest, we were both unhinged after each session. Opening up old wounds was not pretty. But it shows his commitment to our marriage-

And I have finally come to terms that we can move on....

How do you deal with, or do you have any feelings of embaressment? I get he was the one who cheated, but youre the one who has chosen to stay with a cheater. I wouldnt ever accept anyone thinking they can treat me like a fool like that and I cant understand why anyone would?

Oh don't worry lordfartquads.
I have been through every single emotion possible over the past 14 months.
Hate, resentment, fury, annoyance, frustration, hurt, gut renching heartache to name a few. I hit so many all time lows, believe me.
But embarrassment was not one of my emotions.
My DH was the one with egg on his face. It was his mess.

So for me to make the decision to stay has been excruciatingly painful - but to give up on a 40 year (otherwise perfect) marriage would be equally painful.

It will take time.
There can be no winners when someone cheats...