My marriage survived my husbands affair AMA

[Incognito22]

I see a lot of posts here about cheating . The advice is always LTB. My husband cheated on my 5 years ago. It was the most awful, traumatic time of my life .

We got through it . Our marriage is better than ever ( I am NOT saying that the affair did this - it’s a whole new relationship now and the damage of the affair won’t ever be gone . ) we really worked at it and I am very glad we did .

I never found advice that told me marriages can survive . I found that lots of marriages do actually come through it but people don’t tend to talk about it . I see a lot of advice come from people that haven’t actually came through it or are from relationships where the cheater is a serial cheater . My heart breaks for these people that can’t seem to get any advice other than LTB when that isn’t what they want.

So , that’s why I’m putting this up . To see if what I went through can help anyone else or even just people who want to talk about how it affects you etc - from someone who is in a situation where they can offer advice that isn’t born from anger and hurt .

So , AMA .

This is how I feel if DH had an affair.

Even if I didn't want to, I'd have to end it because I know that would really struggle with the emotions and it'd be ugly for a long time.

In a way, I'd find that harder to forgive than the actual physical affair.

I’m 5 years in . The anger is not there now . It was for a while and it wasn’t nice for a while either . Now - I don’t think about it . Except on the “anniversary” but that gets better too . The last one passed without me even realising .

Not a question for me I know, but:

My partner has not cheated on me (I’m as sure of that as you can be).

He’s a very loyal, trustworthy person, he loves me, and I have no reason to think he would.

However, I would not say I am 100% certain that he ‘would never do that’, because people are human, and they can surprise you.

I would say – I trust him a lot and as much as I need to be able to.

How can you be 'certain' of his love?

When you love someone you don't deliberately, intentionally and repeatedly do something that you know will hurt them terribly. That is the absolute opposite of how you behave when you love and adore someone. You couldn't make yourself do it, it would hurt too much to know you were shitting on them, breaking their heart, ruining their happiness, destroying their trust. It's awful, awful behaviour, how can you equate that with love?

If that's what you think love is OP then I don't think you value yourself enough.

You say men can have sex with no emotion but he says he was emotional. He did it because he was angry with you. So it's your fault.

Except, he's an alcoholic who was drunk and angry and that was your fault too. According to the drunken cheater. Hmm.

Sounds like a tale as old as time to me.

You say that as if you've never felt that way.

I bet that if I was an alcoholic I'd definitely have had a slip up by now.

I think sometimes just meeting people with a basic understanding that we're all weak at heart is a good starting point.

And no, there has been no cheating in my marriage on either side (well, as far as I'm aware - the other thing I'm certain of is that you can never, ever be sure)

I found a message on his phone . This wasn’t me snooping - I had no reason to distrust him then , it was entirely by accident . The message wasn’t proof but it didn’t feel right . I told him that he had one chance to tell me and if he denied it now then I have no proof so I would believe him but that things always come out and I was giving him a chance to save us - I was very clear if I found out after that then it would be over . I basically said if I have to find out that you looked into my eyes when I am virtually begging you to be honest and lied then that would be it . And then he told me everything

I was married to an alcoholic.

One of the reasons I found the strength to leave was finally understanding that at best he would only ever be one drink away from tearing our marriage apart again, and I would never fully be out of that shadow. No matter if he'd been sober a week or a decade (spoilers, he died aged 39)

Do you not think you deserve a life free from that shadow?

There's some really judgemental posts on this thread.

Sounds like OP made her choices over a long period of time and isn't under any illusions.

Rather than look down your nose at her, maybe supporting another woman's decisions would be better.

He’s never said it was my fault . This all came out after therapy - his reasons . He’s never blamed me . He has taken full responsibility.

This isn’t an AIBU . I don’t need to defend my personal choices from my personal experience to anyone so I won’t be engaging with arguing about it .

It’s an AMA .

Women like you would help people through tough time rather than force their own opinions , so thank you for being that type of woman .

She isn't asking for support. It isn't on relationships it's an AMA so posters are asking her questions as requested.

I am aware that this could be phrased better, but what was in it for you?

Some people would overlook/work on it in order to keep the status quo, the home, the money, the work status. I get that. Sometimes that outweighs the options available to the one who has suffered this infidelity.
Not every one can afford to walk away financially or emotionally with their head held high. For some it's a disaster.
I'm not saying you have done the wrong thing, I just do not understand why this cheating alcoholic was worth the on going struggle.

I had these thoughts early on , yes.

However, 5 years on and he’s 5 years sober and not had a single slip up .. I’m glad I stayed .

Neither of us are under any illusions - one drink , one so much as an inappropriate text message and that’s it . I am certain of that .

Does it not always play on your mind? I feel like I would always be thinking during sex "you touched her like that" or "you kissed her like that" and it would send me mad. Or does it go away?

Don't the sort of people that cheat thrive on secret thrills?

People who cheat do so for many different reasons. I cheated as a longed for out from an abusive marriage. I got out eventually but under my own steam. The affairs just restored something in me

Love . As simple as that . I love the man . His drinking didn’t affect my life before that - not financially , he was never violent etc I just knew that he was and again , buried my head in the sand .

I’m a firm believer in people deserving a second chance . That making a mistake or Doing something wrong doesn’t have to ruin your life . I’m not a third , fourth chance person but I do believe people can learn from their mistakes and I believe he has . Since that day he has done nothing but show me love and bring me happiness .

I think there are many reasons for cheating . Some at narcissistics and thrive. Some like you are looking for escape . Some make bad choices and regret it .

This is probably a bit frivolous but I've always wondered what happens when you're watching TV and someone embarks on an affair or someone you're chatting to alludes to cheating - is it super awkward? Do you ignore? Can you laugh about it?

As I've said before the OP has described the relationship as in a good place. But is also being very candid about how bad and difficult it was been to recover from. I suppose a lot of people, like myself, are wondering why OP would choose to put herself through that painful recovery process.

Tbc I'm fully sympathetic and supportive but we all know that generally once a cheat always a cheat. It's a mentality thing, as the op herself says some men (and women) can completely compartmentalise sex from relationships that's why we have so many hookup sites for those in relationships.

I can understand anyone giving someone a second chance but only one second chance and I'd watch a cheater like a hawk. Not a very relaxing way to live op .

You have spoken about DH being alcoholic. Is he going to AA?

Have you been to Al-Anon?

My ex is an alcoholic. I found Al Anon quite helpful in the early days.

It doesn’t now , no . Not at all .

At first, I reacted in a way I thought was weird ( but found it was common ) - sex had been an issue with us - on my part - but all of a sudden I wanted him more . I felt disgusted at that and like a fool but I just had this crazy surge . I think I was trying to show him what I could give him and stake my claim . He was different then - very loving , slow etc . That wasn’t him . I knew what he was like when drunk and I think deep down knew that it wasn’t the sex he had with her . During those times I didn’t think of her or what he did . Then I changed and didn’t want him near me.

After a few therapy sessions I felt better and wanted sex - not for any reason than wanting my husband . When we did , he was more him … as though he didn’t feel he had to prove his love to me and more about wanting sex if that makes sense ? To be crude it was more about him wanting me than wanting to prove he wanted me . I had said this to him that I wanted him to be him . Then we did and I just all of a sudden felt as though I could see him with her … I pushed him off me and ran out the room . After that it was difficult for a while - him reassuring me and I had to ask painful questions about how they did it , what he felt etc … but then slowly it got back to normal . There was some time where I couldn’t , a few weeks , and he was patient .

Now , I never think of it when we have sex , ever.

Yes he still goes now and I used to go to al anon but I don’t anymore . He goes now more as a support to others .

I don’t mean to be candid - It’s just a lot to say and would take me days to write it all but as I say I’m happy to answer any questions