Why do well-off folk pretend to be skint?

[musingmondays]

So, my sister is a SAHM and they don’t need to count the pennies. They have a very big house, multiple holidays, multiple trips away a year, 2 new expensive cars, pay for housekeeping and dog walking

I was shopping with her the other day and went into M&S to buy some sweets to take into work with me. All she could say was, wow this is so expensive, she’d never go anywhere but Aldi. I don’t know how true this is or not.

When we moved house, ’You’re lucky to buy a new sofa already, we had to save ages for ours’

‘You’re buying DC clothes from Next? Wow, I don’t know how you afford it. All DNs stuff is from charity shops. I’d never buy shoes new, they grow so fast’

Some of the things she’s saying I question. She makes out as though she can stretch money very far and is very savvy. Maybe she can do. It makes me feel embarrassed and shamed when she sees me to be spending and comments on it because she knows we have less money. Both DH and I work decent, average-income public sector jobs so by no means rolling in it but just doing what I would call normal things.

Anyone any idea why someone might do this?

Mean.

They have a very big house, multiple holidays, multiple trips away a year, 2 new expensive cars, pay for housekeeping and dog walking

That's why they've got no money for m&s and new clothes
**
Or you could just ask her?

This is why rich people are rich - they don’t spend money easily.

It's about priorities. Look after the pennies and the pounds look after themselves..... They buy cheap clothes and food and save for holidays. It's just a different outlook on life. (Don't get me wrong....you still need a high income for multiple holidays, new cars etc etc. But you could have a high income and spend it all on clothes and not be able to afford the house, holiday and cars.)

Maybe not splurging on clothes and food is how they afford their big house.
Or could have big mortgage, multiple credit cards and repayment plans for the cars. They could absolutely seem 'well.off' from the outside and have next to no disposable income.

As PP said, often people afford holidays etc by being sensible with money. ‘Look after the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves’ and all!

Because it’s likely due to their temperament that they made their money and continue to stay well off!

You say she’s a sahm, maybe the family have a lot of material goods/assets, but she doesn’t have a lot of access to that, and just gets a small allowance for food/clothes shopping.

My SAHM sister used to do this A LOT and I am talking serious money - chauffer, pool man, nannies, huge house, many cars etc etc. Bur whenever we went out, it was always me that paid for coffees meals etc and she always said she was skint?? Even at Christmas she would spend no more than a tenner on each nephew/niece. I think it comes from her thinking that I may ask her or expect money from her (I am very financially secure thank you very much, DH and I work in decent well paid jobs and have everything we could wish for). I used to put it down to her sadly having mental health issues, but I think it may come from expectation? Maybe all her friends think 'aah, she can afford it' so she was always expected to pay (believe me - she never did lol)

Most people live to their means and have no idea that others are less well off/fortunate than they are. They usually socialise with people of a similar wealth level who have the same lifestyle and take thngs others would consider a luxury for granted.

Sure, you can afford multiple holidays and a massive house if you only shop in Aldi and buy clothes in Vinted…🙄
God knows OP but I know people like this, who allegedly can’t afford all manner of basic things but can pay for a cleaner, huge house, holidaysetc. I could eat nothing but Aldi beans out of a tin, I still couldn’t afford a cleaner and a bigger house!

Yes, this ^^

People spend money differently 🤷‍♀️

And to be fair, in none of those examples did she say she was skint.

She may be well off but she does not have infinite funds, and she and her family clearly choose to economise on groceries and children's clothes so that they can afford the large house, paid help, expensive trips and cars etc. I don't see anything in your posts where she claims to be skint.

I’d be tempted to say ‘ well you took that holiday to Italy and then Florida last year and I’m sure your dog walker costs a bit’… smile sweetly and give her a sympathetic look!
or you could say that you must be even better than her at managing your money as you earn less but can still shop at M&S (and another sympathetic look).

Well, they prioritise on different things, and/or as a SSHM she has more time to poke around charity shops. I’m busy, have an FT job and loathe shopping, so more than happy to pay quadruple the cost for being able to walk into a shop and buy it new, or order online.

Because they would find themselves overspent if they didn't watch the pennies I imagine.

People probably think we are rolling in it as we holiday a lot but we can only afford to holiday a lot because we watch our spending and spend very little on things other people do (subscriptions, cars, tech, phones, coffees etc.). In the past we prioritised paying into our pensions too which I highly recommend!

Yes it's priorities for sure. We have a very expensive house but really old cars, generally buy cheaper clothes, would never entertain paying £'00's plus on dresses or shoes, some people will spend £300 on a dress for a wedding, I'll recycle or get something cheap in the sale way in advance
We have holidays because we need to have down time as we work really hard, but cheaper home items, would never pay thousands on a telly or music system etc
Priorities - but we feel our house will have the best investment (to be honest it makes more money than an average UK salary each year!) so would rather invest then downsize at retirement to release money to do more in our dotage

'Very big houses' cost a lot of money to maintain properly.

We've got nine Velux windows that need replacing. That was this year's holiday out of the er, window.

Next year's holiday fund will be spent on replacing the fence if we get a couple of named storms this winter.

Even the tiniest gutter repair involves hiring scaffolding.

We knew all this when we took the house on. We economise in other areas.

I don't want to do a MN Reach but there might be something in this. You have no idea how she and her DH organise their finances and if she does not have an independent income then she may well be living on an 'allowance'.

It is also a way of avoiding judgement, if they are not splashing the cash but quietly careful.

I never pass comment directly to her on her spending. She does to me all the time. I don’t know why she takes such an interest in it and it does make me uncomfortable.

Simply put, they are not rich. If she needs to buy charity shop clothes and scrimps on daily things then they are simply reallocating all the money they have for silly status symbols to impress other people. It worked on you because you immediately listed all the signifiers that may you believe they are wealthy.

The biggest giveaway your friend is a fake, social-climbing wannabe is that she openly comments about the price of your M&S candy and clothes. That is the biggest faux pas amongst genuinely wealthy people. Under no circumstances would you never appear to notice, let alone comment on, the prices and purchases of other people. There are plenty of frugal, old money, rich people but they are absolutely discreet in their frugality and would never dream of talking about prices in casual conversation.

I can bet you anything that your friend's cars are leased or second, god forbid, third hand ones. They are desperate for the feeling of driving a luxury car without being able to afford it. Same for holidays and housekeepers etc. We know families who live like this because they need to project that image to the world but are essentially living paycheck to paycheck with nothing left at the end of the month.

What gave you done 2 identical threads?

They might not be living within their means?
Her husband chooses how they spend their money?
She has now access to their money?

I would ask her op, directly, she is your sister the next time she brings it up.

Sounds like you value and prioritise different things.