Why do well-off folk pretend to be skint?

[musingmondays]

So, my sister is a SAHM and they don’t need to count the pennies. They have a very big house, multiple holidays, multiple trips away a year, 2 new expensive cars, pay for housekeeping and dog walking

I was shopping with her the other day and went into M&S to buy some sweets to take into work with me. All she could say was, wow this is so expensive, she’d never go anywhere but Aldi. I don’t know how true this is or not.

When we moved house, ’You’re lucky to buy a new sofa already, we had to save ages for ours’

‘You’re buying DC clothes from Next? Wow, I don’t know how you afford it. All DNs stuff is from charity shops. I’d never buy shoes new, they grow so fast’

Some of the things she’s saying I question. She makes out as though she can stretch money very far and is very savvy. Maybe she can do. It makes me feel embarrassed and shamed when she sees me to be spending and comments on it because she knows we have less money. Both DH and I work decent, average-income public sector jobs so by no means rolling in it but just doing what I would call normal things.

Anyone any idea why someone might do this?

My mum who is quite "stingy" will go into M&S for milk and bread and bits and pieces I think their own brand instant coffee is quite cheap she buys that.

It's called competitive frugality 😂 people who are well off are also the stingiest with money

I hope your parents have a will. Cast iron. If he's unwell he needs to sell off some property and put the money in the bank with a donation gift to charity.

Many people are asset rich cash poor. We own a £1.5m house and from the outside people probably think we are rolling in it. But we aren’t. We do our weekly shop in Aldi, I drive a 10 year old car, I buy the kids clothes from Vinted, have to very carefully budget our money at the moment.

Oh I'm sorry to hear that.

Could you possibly sell your £1.5 million house?

It must be so hard.

They don't have a will as refuse to admit the terminal diagnosis. I am one of five children, two of which live abroad and worry so much about them.

If you’re near an Aldi
it is still cheaper except for butter which is 9p more
Peanut butter for example is £1.09
Frozen peas 99p
some things like tinned tomatoes are the same price

just a thought

ps. No idea on Lidl as I can’t remember and not online but they do have the Lidl plus card which gives you 10% off your next shop ( maximum of £20 ) once you’ve spent £250. Plus various free items based on your previous shop.

@rainingsnoring yeah I could, but she's the most argumentative person on the planet (she would say so herself!!!) so I don't waste my breath or energy on it! 😅

We could if we wanted to, but we don’t want to!

Im not complaining at all about my situation, I was just pointing out that just because someone looks “rich” to an outsider it doesn’t mean they are. People probably think from afar that we are rolling it it, but we really aren’t.

Her friend described in this thread is possibly not pretending to be skint, she maybe is skint! Lots of people are asset rich cash poor - they aren’t fibbing when they say they can’t afford to shop in M&S!

We prioritise putting a massive chunk of our monthly earnings into property and pensions, which leaves us little money for holidays and luxuries.

Other people on the same income to us choose to spend less on their mortgage and have cash every month for luxuries. It’s all a matter of choice/preference.

@madameparis "We prioritise putting a massive chunk of our monthly earnings into property and pensions, which leaves us little money for holidays and luxuries"

but the fact you can do this makes you quite well off. You are not using all your money to cover bills.

I'm not asking anyone to apologise for being well off btw. Just finding the phrases used to be incorrect.

Part of it is that people tend to look and say "if only I had a little more like A then I could do ..." and look up rather than look down saying "thank goodness we have more than X because we can afford to do <insert luxury>".
Part of it is that people see the things they choose not to afford and don't notice/know the things others choose not to afford.
Like people have asked us don't we find going to the theatre expensive, and they couldn't afford it, but don't think that their 3k holiday in comparison to out £500 is comment-able-and we're not spending anything like £2k on going to the theatre.
That's our choice and as a family we'd far rather have 2-3 big trips to the theatre a year than go on a big holiday. I expect they'd prefer their big holiday too. :)

I have a relative for whom I've had a few financial conversations (always initiated by them) when they have implied that they are struggling financially. They're not. They're choosing to work part time (and could increase it if they want), and their partner chooses not to work.
I also know that their part time salary until recently was considerably more than mine and dh's put together. (they wouldn't know that)
So if they really did feel they were struggling, then they have plenty of scope to change. But I don't think they really do feel that they are struggling, just sometimes they think that they'd like things that are currently out of their reach, but don't want it enough to change their current position.
And that's their choice.

My MIL is similar. Close to £100k in bank/savings accounts, but forever adding up the days cost of her newspaper and then complaining that the newsagents charge more than the cover price, which we keep telling her is a delivery charge so she doesn't have to go out and face the weather on rainy/windy days, but she really begrudges paying the £1 per week or so and thinks the paper boy/girls' wages should be paid by the newsagent and not her! No amount of reasoning with her gets it through to her mind that £1 per week is totally insignificant and irrelevant when she has £100k in the bank!

She's gone onto buying own branded goods from cheap supermarkets because the price of branded goods have gone up so much. She claims she's being badly hit by the "cost of living crisis" - I think she's read it so much in the Daily Mail, she's starting to believe that she can't afford things. Her outgoings are still less than her pension(s), so each month she's still able to save and add to her bank balances, but she just can't see it!

She also bitterly complains daily about there being nothing on TV, but she won't pay for Sky or Gold or other payable TV services. Then she's always wanting to watch "different" things on our Sky TV when she comes to our house, says how good it is to have so much choice, but just won't pay for it for herself.

Some people just seem to be hard-wired to suffer when they've got the funds to make their lives so much more enjoyable. She's heading for dementia and will probably end up in a home, so all her savings will end up lining the pockets of a care home owner anyway, but she just has no logical/rational thought processes and just won't spend anything other than essentials.

We prioritise putting a massive chunk of our monthly earnings into property and pensions, which leaves us little money for holidays and luxuries.

So you are not skint, just like the OP's sister.

Average life woman 82?
Pension from 67?
So 15 years with whatever pensions you have gathered plus savings
State pension 12k isn't much even if you don't have housing costs

So 100k in savings = 7k a year to add to your pensions , to cover possible future care / support / increased bills as you get older . 7k a year won't buy much in the way of home care

There is a reason that the about retirement age people are the richest and it's called needing to be able to fund the rest of their lives - so even if you don't want to live the high life in retirement make sure you save for your future pension or you will have a miserable 15 years

100k savings over a 40 year working life is 2.5k a year is less than £50 a week savings
Barely a week of work lunches and coffees

( the assumption there is that inflation and savings rates have been roughly matched )

Her friend described in this thread is possibly not pretending to be skint, she maybe is skint! Lots of people are asset rich cash poor - they aren’t fibbing when they say they can’t afford to shop in M&S!

But if they are saying it in a 'woe is me' sort of way or 'oh look at you flashing your cash on new shoes for your children' manner then it's misleading. Better would be to say "We've tied ourselves up so much in our mortgage, holidays and new cars we now have to get our kids shoes from the charity shop".

This is what OP's sister is doing. It's quite distasteful.

If you look at our house and holidays, we're 'rich' but that eats a massive chunk of our income so we're Aldi and charity shops for the day to day.

And do you question and comment on how others (who you know are on lower incomes than you) manage to buy furniture and shoes for their children?

OP is annoyed at her sister pretending to be skint. I think we all know that people spend their disposable income in different ways, but most people don't bleat on about not being able to afford new furniture to fill their house which has a huge mortgage.

🤣🤣🤣😂

@musingmondays Anyone any idea why someone might do this?

I would guess they are massively in debt, with the big house mortgage, the holidays, expensive cars, etc.

Gosh I'm the opposite. Would rather have a smaller house, not a very good car , no holidays but nice clothes & food 🤣 I think holidays are such a waste of money though & couldn't care less what I drive once it gets us from a to b!! Food & clothes I love.

Priorities, perhaps they live beyond their means too

Growing up my mother had some wealthy friends we spent a lot of time with. They were far and away the poshest people I knew. Massive multi storey London house. Children at prep schools. Then later son at boarding school. Their daughter did riding. But their house was always freezing and if you went round for dinner the portions were so small you had to have a snack when you got home.

As a family we were definitely far poorer. But we had a nice warm house with ample meals and I was never remotely tempted to swap my life for their's.

That said I can't recall the mum ever complaining about costs or prices or telling us we should turn our heating down.

I think it's bad form actually to complain about money to people who have less than you. OPs sister should be a bit more considerate.

Perhaps when he dies and the estate goes to your mother, without probate this takes much longer, and she'll be left with taxes to pay, then get her to draw up a will.

A will can be very simple and straightforward. Every best wishes to you.

Many thanks- its my mum who hates the idea of a will and she is not in the best of health- I don't care about the money, it is the horror of untangling such a mess.

It's mad isn't it? My mum will go hungry rather than pay for food on a trip out. She once made a fuss because I bought and paid for a bottle of mineral water on a hot day when I was breastfeeding and thirsty and two hours from their house. She can be randomly generous in other ways though.