Why do well-off folk pretend to be skint?

[musingmondays]

So, my sister is a SAHM and they don’t need to count the pennies. They have a very big house, multiple holidays, multiple trips away a year, 2 new expensive cars, pay for housekeeping and dog walking

I was shopping with her the other day and went into M&S to buy some sweets to take into work with me. All she could say was, wow this is so expensive, she’d never go anywhere but Aldi. I don’t know how true this is or not.

When we moved house, ’You’re lucky to buy a new sofa already, we had to save ages for ours’

‘You’re buying DC clothes from Next? Wow, I don’t know how you afford it. All DNs stuff is from charity shops. I’d never buy shoes new, they grow so fast’

Some of the things she’s saying I question. She makes out as though she can stretch money very far and is very savvy. Maybe she can do. It makes me feel embarrassed and shamed when she sees me to be spending and comments on it because she knows we have less money. Both DH and I work decent, average-income public sector jobs so by no means rolling in it but just doing what I would call normal things.

Anyone any idea why someone might do this?

This 💯.

I thought a previous posters idea that it might be conditioning from childhood which makes her do things like this, was interesting. I've a friend who always bats away compliments with things like "Oh this old thing? it was a bargain," ect.. its like saying they don't feel they deserve nice things or spending money on themselves
Could it be a touch of that OP?

Maybe after they've paid for their house, holidays, cars etc, they do have to be more careful with spending money on other things.

I probably do this, to an extent. We are mid 30s, mortgage free and have a couple of hundred thousands savings.

I would never buy my kids clothes from next! They are outrageously expensive! I was travelling yesterday and popped into an m&s shop for lunch on the go - I didn’t buy anything as I didn’t want to pay £7 for sushi.

If it bothers you, you could have an open conversation about it. I can see why it would be annoying if it sounds like a critic.

But from what you are saying, I do think the reason she mentions it is because that's things she spends a lot of time budgeting about to be able to afford the holidays etc. You just seem to prioritise differently.

I'm wondering how confident you are that they are "rich" purely based on the things they own. With the way things are these days, they probably don't actually own the cars or the house right? You also don't know what their debt level is etc.

I think it's a reflection of how she chooses to budget money.
I could "afford" to go the the hairdressers and get my lashes and nails done every month. However, I don't because I budget instead for things I prioritise. If someone asked me to go to the salon with them I'd probably say no thanks "I can't afford it right now". It doesn't mean I literally don't have that money in my account, but I don't have it in my budget and I'm sticking to my budget!
Budgetting is boring though, and I find people can get defensive or try to tempt me to spend outside of it. So I don't mention the "b" word!

I'd definitely think about asking/telling her to comment less on your spending habits. I'd find that annoying.

Deep pockets and short arms

I agree but would you be tone deaf enough to keep saying it in front of a much less well off relative or friend?

The sister can have her own opinions and choose to spend her money on holidays rather than clothes for her children but she doesn't need to keep making passive aggressive remarks to @musingmondays

Also, saving a couple of hundred quid a month by shopping at Aldi and buying second hand clothes is hardly going to allow one parent to give up work, pay for a very big house and conjure up tens of thousands for holidays. It's ridiculous to pretend that being careful with money allows this kind of lifestyle.

Or the old classic, fur coat but no knickers

I think there is truth in what she’s saying.
she doesn’t need to comment on everything you buy however ultimately what she’s saying is true.

I have a friend that told me they hardly have any savings so she’s going to have to find a job instead of being a SAHM. Her DH is a tradesman and can earn enough to support them all, however when she told
me how much she’s spending on average per week on food, I was shocked.

She’s £270+ per week on shopping for 4 kids and 2 adults. I don’t care what anyone else says, no one will convince me that they can’t make that shop cheaper! She shops at the more expensive places which is the first mistake. She could do it on £150 a week and that would £400 left a month for savings…..

I was shopping with her the other day and went into M&S to buy some sweets to take into work with me. All she could say was, wow this is so expensive, she’d never go anywhere but Aldi. I don’t know how true this is or not.

When we moved house, ’You’re lucky to buy a new sofa already, we had to save ages for ours’

‘You’re buying DC clothes from Next? Wow, I don’t know how you afford it. All DNs stuff is from charity shops. I’d never buy shoes new, they grow so fast’

To be fair, in none of those examples is she saying she's skint?

And as others are saying, that's probably how they can afford the lifestyle they have?

Me and DP earn a decent income between us and I would never shop anywhere but Aldi either!

Also OP don’t compare. Everyone has their own budgets and own priorities.

My mum was ranting about a group of new mums all eating cake with their coffees. She couldn’t believe that people would pay £5+ for a slice of cake. What a waste of money. Even if she was a millionaire she wouldn’t waste money like that. She then proceeded to interrogate me if I’d waste my money on cake.

My response was that the price of coffee and cake was the same as her glass of wine at a pub. Some may argue that’s a waste of money when you could order a cheaper drink, or just have a glass of wine at home. Or, how much she wastes on smoking. Maybe they want to treat themselves, doubtful they get coffee and cake every day.

But it's not just buying non branded food from Lidl, is it?

People who are careful with money will be careful in all aspects, i.e. not paying for unnecessary mobile contracts after the initial term, shopping around each year for utilities, TV, broadband, phone, insurance, etc. They'll compare the different options for buying/keeping their cars. They'll be careful to avoid fines at car parks and double yellow lines, they'll avoid speeding fines etc. They'll avoid wasteful "fast/cheap fashion" and buy stuff to last years rather than lots of cheap tatt that will be thrown out after being worn once. They'll be careful with driving/house to avoid having to make claims and lose insurance no claim discounts, etc. They'll compare costs when they buy stuff, whether it's what supermarket to shop at, buying BOGOFs, using loyalty cards, only buying big ticket things like sofas and TVs when they're discounted, etc etc.

You really can save huge amounts of money with better planning, better money management, etc. The old saying of "penny wise, pound foolish" is as true today as it's ever been.

Yes, someone on minimum wage isn't going to save tens of thousands of pounds in a year, but they could save a fairly decent percentage of their income by being wise and careful with what they spend money on and avoiding unnecessary costs - it may not be money in the bank, but it could mean less debt!

I have a good friend, she often talks about having to pull their belts in and then in the same convo mention spending 10k on garden renovations, booking a 2 week holiday abroad and going out for dinner multiple times.

They have a very big house, multiple holidays, multiple trips away a year, 2 new expensive cars, pay for housekeeping and dog walking

Isn't that likely to be because she shops at Aldi, buys clothes second hand etc?
Obviously not everyone can have multiple trips away etc just by swapping to Aldi, but it sounds like maybe their budget only reaches the things you mention if they make savings elsewhere.

Maybe they say it because it’s true?

we also can afford multiple holidays a year but we don’t shop at m&s and I buy clothes on Vinted. (Not children shoes though)

i also like to buy second hand furniture!

Priorities. They clearly prioritise a big house and holidays but in order to afford that they hold back on where they spend money on food and clothes. It’s really not difficult to understand. No one has unlimited money, so they have to budget according to preference too. They might not be skint skint but if they spent their remaining cash on all high end stuff they soon would be.

I think this is a very common experience. I know many people with 3, 4, 5 x other's household incomes and often less expenses like no childcare costs or no mortgage, who make comment after comment towards others with less. I think fundamentally they are mostly greedy and often struggle with jealousy.

There's also a difference in how people spend. I have a friend who goes on 4-6 international trips a year, they own three homes, but won't spend on childcare. Their DC are home with two parents WFH and there's a heap of serious challenges it causes (I mean really stressful stuff) but they won't spend on childcare, not even heavily discounted options at a local school. She will make passing remarks that I have playschemes for mine for the weeks I work this summer and how nice it must be to afford that. They literally spend 10-15x what we spend on childcare on international holidays. Priorities.

Apart from the sofa, everything she said to you says she is thrifty, not pretending to be skint.

And maybe that they don’t use credit. Maybe they don’t have spare cash for a sofa after paying for big house etc, and putting ££ into pensions and savings, and prefer to save up.

M&S is ridiculously expensive. I would need to feel insanely wealthy before food shopping routinely in M&S.

She just has a different outlook.

I have more money than my friends think I do, but I prioritise my spending differently. For example my BF recently hired a limo to take ger daughter to prom, while I drove my daughter there in my scrapheap of a car.

We have a lot of children and I want to be able to help them in the futute and prioritise that over expensive things now. When I say I can't afford things I mean I can't afford that and saving what I do and saving is my priority.

Its not though, is it? That's just a myth to make it seem like the less well off are to blame for fecklessness. Rich people are mainly rich because they had the pre existing privilege that enabled them to get a highly paid job, or have married someone with one; and have had their income supplemented by generational wealth in the form of hand outs and inheritance. No one ever got rich just by watching the pennies.

@housethatbuiltme

I have this issue with DH, he makes 3x what I have but constantly moans he is broke but he NEVER questions the cost of anything. He straight up can't be arsed to spend 10 minutes looking in 3 different shops to see which is cheaper he would rather just pay anything even if its extortionate to have it over and done as quick as possible. He is broke because of his frivolous 'easy come, easy go' attitude not because he had less money to begin with.

This is so true and very common. It's "instant gratification" that people just can't be arsed to spend a few minutes googling for cheaper options, and lazy when people are always buying drinks, snacks and lunches during the day instead of taking their own which would cost a fraction of the price. It really is "easy come, easy go" for some people on higher incomes - they have no concept of prices - they just swipe their credit card and often don't even look at the price!

Same with the hundreds/thousands they over-spend by not comparing costs of TV/utilities/insurance at the annual renewal, or continuing to pay the original monthly cost of a mobile phone contract long after the initial 2/3 year period when they could probably get the same internet/calls for a quarter of the cost using the same provider, just by switching tariffs.

So much of peoples' overspending is down to laziness and poor planning.

Obsessed with pps idea that if I just shopped exclusively at Aldi I’d be able to afford multiple holidays a year.

maybe that helps and is a way for sil to budget more, But if she shopped at Waitrose I suspect she still may be able to afford a dog Walker or one holiday at least.

people with money are still on a budget, and often they and others just assume they’re good at budgeting, as you can see from this thread.
but also they see other people around them affording things they can’t afford, maybe in SILs world no one ever buys second hand shoes and maybe the holidays her friends go on are much fancier for example. so she’ll be very aware of her own limits and sacrifices. that’s why it’s hard for people with more money to comprehend that other people’s experiences of budgets and sacrificing might be different, because they already feel like they’re sacrificing. Like rishi sunak going with out sky tv, when other kids are going without food.

I should also add I have one friend (also a SAHM) who did this for years and then stopped. She admitted to me she was very jealous of a few things our family had/experienced. One was a nice rocking chair for little one. That rocking chair was on sale at 75% off and cost about £60 (still going strong now 15 ish years later!). The same year that I got that on a huge clearance discount, they bought a luxury vehicle that if I remember correctly cost about £55k. What did we have? A small 11 year old Honda that we used for another 4 years before buying a smaller new to us vehicle that was about £13k as it was almost new.

The other thing she was jealous of was that my child went to pre-school. She was a SAHM and they decided to forgo nursery despite the fact her local one was about £6/session so for about £12/week she could have had a break two mornings a week from 9-12. She went on and on about how they couldn't afford that (this was about a year after they bought the luxury vehicle). Funny thing was, they ate out every Saturday and Sunday for lunch, rain or shine. They also were in a badminton group one night a week and had a baby-sitter. Nothing wrong with eating out or playing badminton, but between all those things they were spending far more than £12 a week!

I think we use the term 'can't afford it' too often. It's more that leftover money was spent elsewhere!