Why do well-off folk pretend to be skint?

[musingmondays]

So, my sister is a SAHM and they don’t need to count the pennies. They have a very big house, multiple holidays, multiple trips away a year, 2 new expensive cars, pay for housekeeping and dog walking

I was shopping with her the other day and went into M&S to buy some sweets to take into work with me. All she could say was, wow this is so expensive, she’d never go anywhere but Aldi. I don’t know how true this is or not.

When we moved house, ’You’re lucky to buy a new sofa already, we had to save ages for ours’

‘You’re buying DC clothes from Next? Wow, I don’t know how you afford it. All DNs stuff is from charity shops. I’d never buy shoes new, they grow so fast’

Some of the things she’s saying I question. She makes out as though she can stretch money very far and is very savvy. Maybe she can do. It makes me feel embarrassed and shamed when she sees me to be spending and comments on it because she knows we have less money. Both DH and I work decent, average-income public sector jobs so by no means rolling in it but just doing what I would call normal things.

Anyone any idea why someone might do this?

@mondaytosunday Id think you were a passive aggressive arse if you said that to me.

Definitely not always true.

My father in law is insanely wealthy and does nothing but discuss the cost of EVERYTHING (as in what a waste of money is X, how horrified he is at the cost of Y). It is really, really embarrassing when his audience all know how well off he is. He’s just really tight!

If she’s really going on expensive holidays but buying her dc secondhand shoes then she’s got her priorities wrong.

Obviously for those of you who buy secondhand shoes because you can’t afford new then fair enough.

Being able to afford a more expensive version of something doesn't mean you have to buy it.

She's not pretending anything, she probably just thinks her house is a worthwhile expense but pricey sweets aren't.

Our (lovely) next door neighbours were here yesterday. They are millionaires and have a beautiful home and lifestyle.

She was baulking at the fact she’s just spent several hundred pounds on plants for her garden. I was eye-rolling inwardly.

Some people are obsessed with money and hoarding as much of it as possible to the detriment of their lives.

No different really to hoarders of goods, who pretty much destroy their lives by hanging on to huge piles of stuff.

It is of course a subjective thing. And when you look at other people often it is easy to believe they are rich when in fact they actually aren't.

But yes, if you have a lot of money and are always pleading poverty and sponging off other people it is not a very attractive trait. I imagine such people end up with few friends. Especially when people like that often exploit the generosity of people less wealthy than themselves.

Peoples attitude to money is often set early on in their life when they are relatively poor.

Then when they become rich as they get older they struggle to shake off the attitudes they had when they were young.

I always find topics like this odd, is it the norm for people, often SILs or Mils, to comment on other people's spending etc.? Surely if you let them get away with it they'll continue doing it, they're pushing at an open door. The first time they say something if they're told to mind their own business they'll either stop doing it or stop going shopping with you. Either way, it would be a win.

Is she being financially abused by her husband and is trying to tell you?

But people have such different ideas about what constitutes normal expenditure.

When we lived in a gossipy prosperous village, with a lot of money, comparatively speaking, people could not get over the fact that I worked FT, and walked or cycled everywhere ‘when I didn’t need to’, and that we weren’t going to send DS to the prep for the local public school. Whereas not working wouldn’t occur to me even if I suddenly became a multi-millionaire, running an unnecessary car is environmentally irresponsible to me, and I would never contemplate private education..

Yet I happily spend money on books, plants, clothes, going to the theatre, buying paintings, which I think they would have found extravagant when I didn’t have a flash car, house, or sufficient grooming in their eyes.

Some people deserve nothing better though. They only do it if you let them, it is a perfect response in my opinion!

It could be a mixture of things.
From your post it sounds a bit competitive, its like saying "I see you are frugal, well I can out frugal you and still have a great lifestyle. If only you were as clever and as good at managing, you could have the same". Which is of course nonsense. And everytime she says it, you are led to reflect on all the bonus things she does have. Perhaps she's trying to out virtue you, or imply that if only you too were sensible enough to shop exclusively at Aldi and charity shops you too could enjoy the same expensive benefits as she. She may not even realise she's doing it.

Alternatively, some people never think they have enough money, the old Wallace Simpson idea, "you can never be too rich or too thin" She may be hanging out with a few people like this who have even bigger lifestyles than she does and so the competitive display mode is switched on and its hard to switch it off.

We have friends who started out on the same income level but have done extra well and have a very lavish lifestyle now. They still think they are hard up and complain about ULEZ/congestion charges and School fees, and the cost of heating a house this size, before they take off to several holidays a year, ski and visits to Cuba etc, foreign trips to sports, premier tickets to major music events etc... I don't begrudge it, they are very generous hosts, but it is hard sometimes not to feel we are a bit less interesting eg there's nothing we do that they haven't already done with bells on, which makes me feel it's hard to find safe mutual topics of conversation sometimes. That said, they still have the same problems as everyone else, health issues, sick parents, accidents, life events, possible redundancy etc so although money is a cushion, they still have the same struggles.
After a visit I had to give myself a shake and consciously remind myself how fortunate we actually are. A few of our friends are facing bigger financial or health struggles in the coming years.

What a nasty and bizarre comment. Buying a a second hand car isn't any kind of giveaway about wanting luxury but not being able to afford it. It's usually a pretty sensible idea buying a 2yo car for example. It doesn't have to be brand new off the showroom floor or a 20year old banger that wouldn't pass an MOT. Weird.

Or conversely, they can afford a big house, cars and trips away etc, because they’re savvy with their money and economise wherever they can.

I think it’s the way you’re brought up sometimes. We were well off growing up so we had a nice house and holidays but my parents were never extravagant, always second hand car, not spoiling me and my sibling with all the toys we wanted even if they could afford it.

I’m the same and even though we bring in enough income to maybe shop in M&S etc, we choose not to as it feels unnecessary and we’d rather save the money for when it might be really needed or for a more worthwhile thing like a holiday.

I wonder is your sister's access to money being restricted or controlled by her dp. The holidays and stuff make him look good but day to day he restricts what money she can spend. I know a couple who were like this. She had to account for every cent she spent but then he made her post about their flash holidays on facebook etc. Thankfully she got out of that relationship.

Think about the things that you want that are just out of your budget.

Thing is - there are things that are out of reach to Billionaires. Only multi-billionaires can afford them.

Human psychology doesn't often change up the income levels.

I was on a high salary years ago, and I dreaded losing it even though I was saving most of it. I eventually took the leap to retrain, but it took a lot.

Yup, as a business owner I know full well I pay someone in excess of £150k a year. Can be over £200k with bonuses.
I also know they are repulsed at the idea of buying a £3 coffee at the local costa and instead use the free machine provided in the office instead with their packed lunch.
I’m also aware someone we pay £30k must go there at least twice a day for drinks and food.

Their money, their choices how to use it IMO, I don’t care or judge.

Look after the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves. Is green eyed monster going on I wonder? I couldn't care less how much money others have as long as I'm happy in my own way.

This is the difference between 'well-off' and 'wealthy'. Why do mechanics drive around in crappy old bangers when they can likely afford to drive a newer and much nicer car? It's probably her being frugal which allows her to save more money. There is monetary wealth (££££s) and material wealth (big house, nice car, holidays), and the two are different things. It's called being asset rich and cash poor.

How do you know they have less money?

I use to live on £12k a year (in yesteryear before recent cost of living) and didn't 'struggle' at all but I did buy everything cheap and secondhand.

Yes, I prioritized things like saving so we could have Christmas, Birthday parties and Holidays over buying whim items M&S sweets and new Next clothes etc... but there was no planet we where rolling in it. We didn't miss out on anything really it was just all much cheaper 2nd hand stuff.

You prioritize spending your money 'with easy' by just walking into RRP. stores and spending whatever money they tell you upfront and as such you may not have financial saving for holidays, cars, house deposit as a result... thats your choice, you choose the ease of just 'spending the money' over 'spending time' to find cheaper options.

They obviously spend the time to bargain hunt and save, it doesn't mean they a richer its means they save the pennies more by buying the little items cheap so they have money to buy bigger items later.

I have this issue with DH, he makes 3x what I have but constantly moans he is broke but he NEVER questions the cost of anything. He straight up can't be arsed to spend 10 minutes looking in 3 different shops to see which is cheaper he would rather just pay anything even if its extortionate to have it over and done as quick as possible. He is broke because of his frivolous 'easy come, easy go' attitude not because he had less money to begin with.

To me that doesn't sound like she is "pretending to be skint". We're well off but I wouldn't shop in M&S apart from the odd item occasionally. I also buy second hand stuff (partly for environmental reasons). Everyone has different priorities.

Its possible that she personally is on quite a restricted budget. If she earns nothing herself and is dependent on her H to decide how much should be allocated to various areas of spending, she may well have to stretch the 'housekeeping' she receives. If it were my sister my first thought would be whether he was keeping her short. If this isn't the case, it may be she doesn't want you to think of her as well off. There's an odd sort of conceit whereby some privileged people do like to pretend everything they have is a result of sacrafice and hard work, because they think it makes them virtuous rather than fortunate. The deckchairs, matress on the floor and packing crates for tables for 6 years brigade.

A couple of years ago I was back in my home town dog sitting for my mum. I popped into Tesco express with an old friend - we both grew up in single parent backgrounds (we were the poor kids at school) and Tesco had just put loads of things into the reduced section. I was having a look for what to get for dinner/next day and my friend said quite loudly that we’re both professionals with real salaries (public service May I add) so why I don’t I just buy what I want for dinner/didn’t need to by reduced food anymore. He said he’s not bought yellow labels since uni.

Then he mentioned that night now do I afford to go on a long haul holiday every year.

I still live like I’m skint, as in, I don’t like to waste money. Why would I pay £3.50 for a chicken salad when I’m more than happy to eat a prawn cocktail for £1.50. I’m never cheap regarding paying my way and I don’t ever stop living life.

95% of DD clothes are either charity shops/car boot/vinted/sales (they’re always in good condition) as I’m a firm believer what’s the point having fancy outfits if you can’t afford to go anywhere.

TBF I’m rich and baulk at the prices in M&S