Why do well-off folk pretend to be skint?

[musingmondays]

So, my sister is a SAHM and they don’t need to count the pennies. They have a very big house, multiple holidays, multiple trips away a year, 2 new expensive cars, pay for housekeeping and dog walking

I was shopping with her the other day and went into M&S to buy some sweets to take into work with me. All she could say was, wow this is so expensive, she’d never go anywhere but Aldi. I don’t know how true this is or not.

When we moved house, ’You’re lucky to buy a new sofa already, we had to save ages for ours’

‘You’re buying DC clothes from Next? Wow, I don’t know how you afford it. All DNs stuff is from charity shops. I’d never buy shoes new, they grow so fast’

Some of the things she’s saying I question. She makes out as though she can stretch money very far and is very savvy. Maybe she can do. It makes me feel embarrassed and shamed when she sees me to be spending and comments on it because she knows we have less money. Both DH and I work decent, average-income public sector jobs so by no means rolling in it but just doing what I would call normal things.

Anyone any idea why someone might do this?

next time she comments reply "Wow I would never spend money on housekeeping and dog walkers ! "
Give her a taste of her own medicine.

In my experience a lot of people have massive outings.

And if she’s not working - her DH would need to be earning a lot to cover the equivalent of two salaries!

Between mortgage and childcare, most people I know don’t have a huge amount left even on very good salaries.

Oh come off it! We shop in Aldi and buy all our clothes from charity shops - that doesn't free up enough money for multiple holidays, regular shorter trips away, a big house, housekeeper and all the rest OP's relative has.

The person in the OP is minted. Clearly minted.

OP I have found this. Affluent people who claim to ' only just be able to afford their mortgage' whilst having multiple holidays a year, always eating out in cafes on day trips rather than taking a packed lunch, going out regularly for dinner, going out to the cinema and theatre whenever they fancy it and so on. Can only just afford the mortgage, my arse.

I have no idea why they do this either.

Surely you say to your sister: "Don't be so fucking ridiculous and stop pretending to be a pauper when we both know you're loaded".

She clearly would rather spend money on holidays and home help than clothes and groceries. Some people are tight in certain ways. In fact rich people are often less generous with money than those less well off. My multimillionaire landlord cousin would never ever so much as buy me one pint. I'm on benefits. That's probably how he stays so loaded. He's wearing a Rolex and that so it is a bit grating. But it's his money to do what he likes.

No matter how big your salary, you still need to budget and prioritise. The big house comes with a big council tax bill, big maintenance costs, and big heating bills. The expensive car comes with expensive insurance premiums.

Surely every family can choose where they prioritise “splashing out” and they economise in other areas which aren’t high priorities?

Sister criticising your financial priorities is not on though.

I have an OK income, but I am a single parent.
The reason we can go on holidays etc is because I live relatively frugally. It means I have disposable income to spend on other stuff.

So I budget, I'm not excessive with energy use and food shops (usually Lidl). I meal plan, I don't buy many clothes, make school lunches most of the month, coffees and eating out etc are rare rather than habitual spends. This means we have ££ to spend on holidays.

For me its very much look after the pennies situation and it works for us. If I didn't focus on not being extravagant with food/spends/energy/clothing etc we could easilty spend a lot more on food, clothing, I'd have a nicer car etc, but we wouldnt be going on the same holidays, festivals and other things we like to do.

Sounds like passive aggressive sister vibes to me. Nothing to do with either of your spending status and everything to do with some kind of latent sibling rivalry.

Some people who have plenty are just very mean with money. Or ‘careful’ if that means not paying £££ for something which is available and just as good for ££ elsewhere.

Actual meanness, as in expecting others to shell out for their meals/coffees etc. - ‘Oh dear, I forgot my purse/wallet…’. is a different matter. We had a friend who did this so many times we came to (very wryly) expect it.

When he died he left 2 houses paid off, and well over £1m in cash.

An old (loaded) aunt of dh used to berate the long suffering cleaning lady who often also did her shopping, because she’d bought the butter at supermarket X, instead of supermarket Y, where it was 1p cheaper.
I am not exaggerating here.

I don’t think there are many people who can truly spend money indiscriminately. Even the people I know who have land, expensive cars, horses, kids in private school etc are careful about it. It feels a bit weird to hear someone with that kind of lifestyle complaining about the prices at the supermarket but whatever.

that said talking about money makes people uncomfortable so I try to avoid it.

It depends on what sort of "skint" a person means. We are pretty comfortable, however I have less "fun spends" a month than some family members, who have a lower income.

That is because we are putting quite a lot aside with an aim to retire by mid fifties, so we choose to spend less on day to day stuff, although I wouldn't say our budgets are really tight. So I might say no I can't afford xyz this month, as it's something I would find out of my fun spends.

I wouldn't actually ever describe myself as skint or poor though as that wouldn't be truthful and a bit offensive.

It could be that your friend has lower monthly budgets for certain things than you, despite earning more, just because they organise their spending differently.

Trying to be relatable, perhaps? She may believe that if she acknowledges she’s rich then she’s being insensitive and must ‘read the room’, so instead she’s trying to relate by presenting her situation to be the same as yours.

Also, some wealthy people are very frugal, and/or have a set budget of what they’re willing to spend. Just because someone can afford someone doesn’t mean they’re going to buy it, or not consider it to be an overpriced rip off. It doesn’t mean they’re not going to see the significant price jumps in the supermarket and object.

My mum is like this, she's beyond comfortable but precisely because she is so thrifty. Everything is modest, food is bought reduced, clothes from charity shops, average car. She has literally thousands but prefers to save rather than spend. She'll splurge on a holiday or similar. So I'm kind of on your sisters side here weirdly!

I find exactly the opposite to some people on this thread

My motto is that if you look after the pounds the pennies will look after themselves

Large mortgage, school fees, expensive car lease, mad childcare bill. If you can avoid or reduce these (and I understand that isn't always possible) then popping into pret and m&s every now and then and switching your heating on when its cold will do you no harm.

Too many big ticket outgoings and no amount of penny pinching will help.

It has a side effect of making life stressful and miserable as well. So don't spend 10k on two weeks in Sardinia if you are going to spend the rest of the year complaining about the price of baked beans. Go camping in France instead!

Or maybe she's just not materialistic.

We are "rich" by MN standards, I do most of my shopping in Aldi, my freezer is stuffed with yellow-sticker bargains, the bulk of my wardrobe is second hand. I don't spend money on beauty treatments, don't care about what car I drive as long it gets me from A to B.

This just buys into the tired old ideas that charity shops are for "poor people" and that if you can afford to buy M&S then you have no business in Aldi. Just doesn't make sense.

What everyone else said. TBH if it bothers you just avoid going to shops with her! Swerve these sorts of conversations. Like a PP we're high earners but you wouldn't know it to look at how we dress, eat, holiday etc. I shop at Lidl + Morrison's, bulk buy loo roll and love buying bundles of kids' clothes when they outgrow theirs. It's not "I can't afford it"; it's "I find that wasteful, I'd rather try x first".

We are more like you. I buy some of my food from m and s and don't think twice about getting clothes from Next or spending money on days out with the kids. But we also just don't overspend elsewhere - our cars are older snd paid off. Our mortgage is small. I prefer nice holidays over things etc. I think sometimes people just have differeng views about what is worth spending on. I also think that a lot of people have significant debt nowadays

I grew up in poverty but didn’t go without as my parents did the best they could for us. Both DH and I are on high incomes now but I will probably never shop in M&S Food beyond the odd treat. Similarly I wouldn’t buy £4 coffees every day even though I can afford it. I also don’t like spending money on posh meals out (but we do because DH likes it).

I think I am the way I am as a result of my upbringing. However, we do love travelling so I would rather spend my money on holidays rather than daily treats.

I think the issue here is her commenting on your spending rather than how either of you spend your money. Next time she does it I would bring it up, if you are together so much you are clearly close. Just say something like I've noticed that you often comment on my what I am spending and to be honest it makes me uncomfortable, it just feels like one of those things that are personal. Then wait and see if she does it again.

I think some well off people .treat being frugal as a lifestyle or hobby, and treat Aldi like its some sort of continental market.

I don't think you need to take much notice of her frugality and enjoy your M&S treats.

I don't think complaining about the price of groceries is penny pinching, or looking to spend less on those items. Groceries are regular outgoings, food prices have risen hugely recently, and an extra £50 a week which can be the difference (or more) between a big shop at Aldi and a big shop at Sainsbury's soon mounts up.

I want to spend my money on holidays, not Sainsbury's shareholder's bubbly.

Just because I earn a good salary doesn't mean I am barred from Aldi or need to buy all my clothes in Chanel.

They've chosen to spend their income on a stay at home parent, big house, two cars and multiple holidays so they watch the rest of their spending very closely. New clothes and fancy food are of less value to them than the other things.

I'm with you though I'd rather feel free to spend my money on nice food and clothes than have two fancy cars and not go to work. But I do also enjoy my job.

She's decided what she wants to spend her money on.

My DH is the same, constantly saying he can't afford new jeans, shoes etc but then came home from B&Q on Sunday with a new lawn mower.

I would massively take the piss out of her every single time she made a comment!

Do people not joke with their family.

This ^^