Why do well-off folk pretend to be skint?

[musingmondays]

So, my sister is a SAHM and they don’t need to count the pennies. They have a very big house, multiple holidays, multiple trips away a year, 2 new expensive cars, pay for housekeeping and dog walking

I was shopping with her the other day and went into M&S to buy some sweets to take into work with me. All she could say was, wow this is so expensive, she’d never go anywhere but Aldi. I don’t know how true this is or not.

When we moved house, ’You’re lucky to buy a new sofa already, we had to save ages for ours’

‘You’re buying DC clothes from Next? Wow, I don’t know how you afford it. All DNs stuff is from charity shops. I’d never buy shoes new, they grow so fast’

Some of the things she’s saying I question. She makes out as though she can stretch money very far and is very savvy. Maybe she can do. It makes me feel embarrassed and shamed when she sees me to be spending and comments on it because she knows we have less money. Both DH and I work decent, average-income public sector jobs so by no means rolling in it but just doing what I would call normal things.

Anyone any idea why someone might do this?

It's not just "watching the pennies"! It's their entire ethos surrounding money. I.e. thinking about it, planning, managing, it, etc.

Take jobs, most people would have been capable of better jobs had they had a "plan", including taking their education more seriously, thinking more of career options, researching different occupations, going outside their comfort zone (i.e. going to Uni instead of staying at home, getting a job with a longer commute if it had better prospects etc etc).

Take marriages etc. Some people take occupations/prospects into account when they choose their boyfriends/girlfriends as adults - maybe not so much in the school years (but even then, they could choose the more able ones rather than the exciting "bad boys"). Certainly as adults, you should be thinking long term alongside the instant gratification of looking around for partners. People choosing "boring" boyfriends may well be looking at the long term bigger picture!

You're really unlikely to have a "rich" future if you choose your boyfriend as one of the better looking "bad boys" from your estate, you didn't bother with school, and your job is part time serving at the local kebab shop. (All of which ARE lifestyle choices for most people!).

The "better off" people are usually always looking at the bigger picture.

M&S is ridiculously expensive. I would need to feel insanely wealthy before food shopping routinely in M&S

It's really not for a lot of things.

Milk, white sliced bread, mixed free range eggs, big blocks of cheddar, canned soup, beans, tomatoes, a lot of veg, peanut butter, biscuits, the bags of sweets mentioned in the OP, a lot of veg all same price or even cheaper than other supermarkets. They have good 'meal deal' offers and probably a lot of other things. A lot of their meat isn't badly priced either.

why are you letting this bother you?

how do you know they don't need to count the pennies? just because they have a nice house and a nice car and a couple of holidays a year doesn't mean they are rich beyond their wildest dreams, by the comments they have made, they are clearly very careful with their money..

shes not rubbing her wealth in your face, shes giving you an insight into how they manage their finances.

i can't work out if you are jealous or trying to compete? if you can afford to shop at M&S and Next well done you!

i mentioned on the other Thread, even though we have money, my husband only ever shops in charity shops or on vinted.. and thats how we keep hold of our money! he doesn't have too.. he choses too.

I have been poor and rich.
I assure you that is not true.

I am very comfortable and often feel a bit embarrassed about this, so I might agree with someone complaining about costs, so as to express some empathy. Also, I am frugal in some areas, and if possible buy second hand e.g. clothes, furniture, cars etc. But then I splash out in other areas where I feel you get something extra from spending more. However I would never comment on anyone else's spending, or compare it with my own.

This isn't about priorities. Someone who has a big house, multiple holidays etc has a lot of money. If she didn't have a lot of money, it wouldn't matter how much she economised on food shopping; she still wouldn't be able to afford the cars and holidays etc.

So, the sister has money.

Why does she make a point of saying that she can't afford things then, when she obviously can?

What she really means is that she's choosing not to spend her money on certain things, but pretending that it's not a matter of choice. And not only is she pretending, but she's framing that pretence within a narrative that the OP is making poor spending choices, that OP is somehow extravagant.

My guess is that she does this because she is conscious of a disparity between her and op and that makes her feel uncomfortable. So in order to alleviate that discomfort she runs the narrative that the only reason OP doesn't have holidays to Mustique and she does is because OP buys sweets from M&S, that the inequality is wholly down to OP's poor choices.

I know people who do this and it's tiresome. I much prefer people who are honest and say "yeah, I had a nice holiday, aren't I lucky" instead of turning everything into a virtue-shitting contest. Being the poor relation/friend isn't so bad, in itself. But, you know, you're already on the back foot compared to rich people, obviously. It does kind of sting to on top of that have them frame you as irresponsible or reckless because they have hang-ups about enjoying their own good fortune.

Why so petty? ..

I know what you mean OP.

It is disingenuous to claim that she’s skint. In reality she has money but chooses to spend it on other things.

My BIL is like that. Always complaining that he’s skint and he has a great lifestyle and savings too. He’s skint at the end of the month because he transfers almost half of his pay check to his savings account the minute he gets paid!

Tight, mean, squirrelling (is this the right word)?
money in their bum for F knows what.
My DH is more than well off, decent man, but these traits are there.
He's not aware and treats the money
as if "it wasn't really there".
😳

I was with a school mum the other day. She and her dh both work part time, are not disabled, have one child, have grandparents locally supporting them. They live in social housing. They wear expensive clothes, shoes, drive a nice car, eat out regularly.
She was moaning about having to pay £3 for the summer fair at school and how it's expensive.

People choose how to manage their money, what to spend it on, and often choose the amount of hours they spend
earning their money.

When we have a conversation with somebody we try to be relatable - saying things that may resonate with the person in front of us.
Your sil misjudged the situation by thinking you might relate to what she's saying, but that does not mean she's pretending to be someone she is not.
Just like the school mum misjudged that I will relate to her rant, when actually I don't mind supporting my dc school. But I wouldn't say she was pretending to have less or more than what she has.

Is she by any chance an older sister?

My older sister does this to me. She's got a really happy family, big home, two cars, dog, big garden, lots of friends, multiple holidays a year... I have a lot less then her yet she will shame me for anything exciting I buy for myself. I don't get it, but she'll never change.

I have some spendthrift friends but they don’t need to be. They got into the spendthrift habit when kids were at private school and even now with school fees long gone and sizeable inheritances received they are not frivolous with money. The only time they spend is on holidays or occasional hobby activity. They are happy to meet for coffee but never at a restaurant for an evening meal. I have saved money as a result of hanging out with them 😂

It’s sounds like maybe she feels guilt over her lifestyle so she pretends that saving a little bit by shopping in Aldi, buying DC clothes second hand etc would be enough saving to afford the large house, domestic help, cars, holidays etc. I’d just try and ignore it and hopefully she will stop.

You might save a few thousand a year maximum from 'careful planning', although most people who are genuinely skint will be doing this already.

Saving a few thousand does not enable one parent to quit work, afford you 'a very big house', multiple holidays a year (that alone is likely to be ten thousand+ rather than a couple of thousand), a housekeeper and dog walker. It's disingenuous to pretend that this is so.

In any case, even if you were correct, the sister is tone deaf to keep commenting on @musingmondays choice to buy a packet of percy pigs or pay full price for her DC's clothes. Anyone who keeps making these sort of comments to someone who is clearly much less well off is lacking in self awareness and will lose friends rather quickly.

They want to stay well off and not lose too much money on trivial things?

They don't want people to think they could be tapped up for cash?

They don't want to become targets out on the street?

As she is your sister, can't you just tell her to stop making these remarks?

When I hear “rich”, I think millions/year. Elite private schools, helicoptering in to the ski resort, helicoptering in to the yacht in the south of France, his & hers Rolexes, horses, hotel stays at The Savoy, landscapers, nannies, chefs, Pilates instructors, etc.

I don’t see “rich” as the £160,000+ (referenced in the Guardian article upthread) crowd. Management role, kids in middle class comprehensive schools or grammars, taking the BMW 3 series on the ferry to France for self-catering ski trips with packed lunches on the slopes, and a cleaner once a fortnight. Comfortable? Yes. Rich? No.

I'm talking specifically in this context about couples who need to project the idea of wealth through status symbols, and specifically about luxury cars. This has nothing to do with people who buy normal second-hand cars which is obviously very common.

Luxury cars over 50K are more about status and less about transportation or whatever other reasons you may need a car for. People who choose to drive a car like that know exactly what image they are projecting. Buying a second or third hand luxury car is cringe because they are projecting a level of wealth without actually being able to afford the real thing. Similar to buying Chanel bags on Vinted or hyperrealistic fakes from DHGate.

For the price of a second hand luxury car, you can get a new one from VW or Volvo with the highest level of safety and tech gadgets. So it takes a conscious decision to go for the second hand flashier car vs a new model from a cheaper manufacturer. (Again, this has nothing to do with anyone buying second hand cars from non-luxury brands).

Sometimes it’s a smarter financial decision to buy a gently used secondhand car. The second a purchaser drives their brand new car off of the forecourt, it drops thousands. Sometimes it makes sense to have someone else take that financial hit.

I think people are over-analysing and your sister just has very bad manners (at least towards you!). Commenting on other people's spending is very rude and I don't know many people who would consider that acceptable.

A relative of mine recently bought an absolutely horrific (imo) sofa at a price I secretly considered extortionate, and I limited myself to commenting on how comfortable it was and nodding along when they talked about what a great bargain it was. I think most people would behave like this, unless perhaps asked for advice/their opinion prior to the purchase.

HowIrresponsible
They have a very big house, multiple holidays, multiple trips away a year, 2 new expensive cars, pay for housekeeping and dog walking

That's why they've got no money for m&s and new clothes

This.

You being in denial of what rich really is doesn't help anyone

Although it does give me a giggle

She sounds like me. I say I'm skint cause I am....tho I don't include all the savings we have. I just mean, I've spent my monthly budget. But if you say me 5 days later and I've been laid you might see me book winter trip for a week to Lapland or a trip to New York. I still shop in charity shops, Aldi.....but no, we arnt millionaires even if we do splash out and we do still have tikes when we've spent alot of our budget.

I think combination of what others have said:

1. she probably lives frugally to be able to afford all this - I am exactly like this, from the outside it's holidays and private school, but it's a constant worry, so I think about/worry about money a lot
2. she maybe feels guilty about having more money than you, and wants to show empathy or make you feel good about the money you have! (ie - 'isn't it nice you can afford xyz').

Does she actually HAVE expensive clothes, furniture etc? If she does, then that's a bit hypocritical. But for instance we have an expensive house, and cheap furniture in it.

She's not being honest that's why! Making out like her life choices are better than yours.