Why do well-off folk pretend to be skint?

[musingmondays]

So, my sister is a SAHM and they don’t need to count the pennies. They have a very big house, multiple holidays, multiple trips away a year, 2 new expensive cars, pay for housekeeping and dog walking

I was shopping with her the other day and went into M&S to buy some sweets to take into work with me. All she could say was, wow this is so expensive, she’d never go anywhere but Aldi. I don’t know how true this is or not.

When we moved house, ’You’re lucky to buy a new sofa already, we had to save ages for ours’

‘You’re buying DC clothes from Next? Wow, I don’t know how you afford it. All DNs stuff is from charity shops. I’d never buy shoes new, they grow so fast’

Some of the things she’s saying I question. She makes out as though she can stretch money very far and is very savvy. Maybe she can do. It makes me feel embarrassed and shamed when she sees me to be spending and comments on it because she knows we have less money. Both DH and I work decent, average-income public sector jobs so by no means rolling in it but just doing what I would call normal things.

Anyone any idea why someone might do this?

So nobody asks them for money.

Some things are waste of money or essential to different people. Takeaways for example. They may seem irrational but it is about value. An expensive holiday may represent value to her, and so does a charity shop.

Yes, my parents have given us almost £30k over the past few years (we don't ask, they're evening up support they've given to other siblings), but my mum never came into tourist attractions when we were kids. She'd always bugger off even though the price of a family ticket was only £2 more than dad plus kids.

It would have been nice to just be with the whole family than be given money later!

But then she'll do things like make my dad drive around four supermarkets to get the best priced items at each - I spend 10m ordering food from the same shop online and use the rest of the time to EARN money. Yet she thinks me ridiculously profligate...

My mum is the same with reduced food! Once had seven freezers filled with yellow sticker items and plays fast and loose with what is meant to go in freezer or be paired together as a meal. Defrosted tzaiki and tagliatelle anyone?

Say she could shop in M&S if she cleaned her own house and walked her own dog.

tell her that her comments upset you and to stop making them. If she continues then say I’m not going to town with you anymore.

is her food really from Aldi? Have a look in the cupboard next time you’re over there 😝

I think she's trying to help you see that you don't spend your money in the best ways and if you spent it more like her you might be closer to where they are. just a thought. I have experienced this with friends who make less and I can't believe the way they spend, but it helps me understand why they aren't doing that well.

I was friends with a girl when I was like 14, best friends. Her family had a massive house, cars was beyond posh but couldnt afford to put the heating on. You only see what people show you. There are many "well off" people with mountains of debt and unable to heat their homes 🤣🤣

Could it be that her husband is quite old fashioned and controls the finances, paying mortgage, holidays etc but giving her a set budget each week/month for household expenses?
She may only be able to pay the dog walker by shopping in Aldi!
Or she could walk her own dog and treat yourself to M&S.

She thinks her time is not worth anything so she believes hunting through charity shops and running across town for a cheaper bag of sweets is economical. This is a result of being an unpaid domestic/reproductive labourer full-time and society's sexism and capitalism.
Since you get paid for your time you can see how sweets here and now or clothes the right size and availability for your kids are valuable.
She probably believes she is proving her value by showing how she saves money. Her time is worth something... in savings... while she can't quantify or boost her self-esteem by knowing that she can command $x for her time in a wage. Maybe her husband implies that she doesn't contribute or she sees you as being more personally successful because you know you are worth a salary?

I don't have this anymore. I cut my sister off. I didn't want to be hurt or belittled among other things.
It's not for her to tell you what you can and can't spend and when she does it it's bringing you down. It's none of her business.

You should be having fun going out shopping.
You're kind. She isn't. She's miserable and mean and wants you to be the same as her. So she has a lovely house etc but it's obviously all show. She's living beyond her means. Having this fake exterior for society when she can't even go out and have a bit of fun shopping. How boring. Shes jealous too that you're buying other people things.

I'd tell her this "next time we go shopping I don't want to be dictated to what I do or don't spend. If you want to come out with me and have a good time then I'm happy to do that. If you can't do that then please don't make arrangements or come out with me again"
See what she says and especially what she does as actions are a better indicator than words.
Then if she won't do that then don't go shopping with her again. Go with someone else or on your own.
Let her have her nice house etc she won't have you anymore.