Do these men even exist?!

[Killermanjaro]

Are there really men out there that have a job and do 50% of the housework/ chores / child rearing / cooking / 50% of the nappies, night feeds, playtime, walks in parks, bedtime reading etc, and at the same time are respectful, kind and loving to their partners and appreciate them and treat them as an individual with their own needs and desires?

I have never seen these men, they aren't in my friendship circle or at work or in my family. Definitely not my DH.

Replace the word men with women and replace 50% with a figure between 60-100% and I will find these women everywhere. These women are my friends, my family, my coworkers. I am one of these women 😔

If you have one of these mythical creatures, where the fuck did you find them?! (And do they have a brother?! 😆)

😆 Nope, they don't exist!

Yes of course - and most of the men in my family, friends and at work are like that too. I'm guessing it's just different circles?

I’ve got one. But you’d probably have rejected him (as many others did) because he’s fat and bald and not good looking, and also very shy and quiet.

Yes my H does more of the childcare, school runs, now is doing night wakes 3 out of 7 nights, at least 70% household cleaning and admin than I do, since returning back to work.

It's the only way we can do it, so we can both work and have the lifestyle that we do. It's no where near extravagant but its comfortable ish for now. We've made a choice and both of us are working toward shared goals.

DH and I share thing evenly, I work slightly less than full time and handle general house and kids stuff. He works full time and does bills, cars, diy etc.
He fixed the tumble drier yesterday.
It’s a traditional model but it works for us.

Interesting. Do you mean depends on your socioeconomic background, job etc. how would you describe yours?

I've wondered if it's a cultural thing to. Different cultures have different expectations for men and women.

My paternal grandad died in the 1950’s before I was born.
However he apparently was such a man. He would come home after his last night shift and do the weeks washing in the copper. He waited on my gran and was strict but fair with my df and uncle.
My db’s are the same.
My dh was somewhere in the middle when he worked long hours but I only worked part time. Now we’re retired he does more than half of everything.
He's a gem.

Yes I have one! Met as teenagers on a summer job. Has always supported me 100% and does more than his fair share

Have personal proof of one who definitely does (including all night feeds and wakings whilst working f/T when DC was little) and a lot of my friends claim they do, though of course it’s hard to know for sure.

I don’t think there’s a repository of them - probably best gauge is to look at their personal values and worldliness (not sure if that’s even the word I mean) as a priority when you’re in the early days of dating. I.e a lot of men say they respect women but are completely clueless about women’s actual experiences in life, or they hold ‘traditional’ views about who should be at home with the kids / will expect to keep going on lads holidays, golfing, whatever after kids are born. Avoid them! Easier said that done I know…

My DH was like that with my youngest but then not like that with my second and now we are divorcing. I have come to believe that men are only caring, respectuful, willing to pull their weight when they are in love. Otherwise they are selfish twats.

I think a lot of women bring this problem on themselves by not letting men do things their way. Household micromanagers.

We are fully equal but tbf we don't have kids because neither of us felt like the extra housework involved.

They do! My boyfriend is one of them. He was widowed young and has brought up his too lovely children (now teens) single handily the last few years, runs a tidy and loving home, cooks from scratch every night, provides his kids with wholesome activities and works full time in a high profile job. He is incredible but so much so he can’t find time to sit down and work out a plan for us to blend families (we all want it) but I’ll never put pressure on. So they do exist and I am not letting him go!

Mine! He does more than me and we both work full time. He also looked after DC when babies as I had an office role and he was freelance and could work around them. He’s a very capable adult as most people should be.

Maybe - it's interesting isn't it! I would say lower middle for me, and I work at a university. How about you?
Certainly my parents were very equal, which probably made me less tolerate of bullshitty men.

My DH, he was my first date on Tinder (the shame) Either I had a very low bar or was incredibly lucky!

Mine always has 🤷🏽‍♀️

Mine is like that. When DC were small we both cut our hours slightly, and worked flexible hours so we could tag team childcare. Housework neither of us are great at, but we both did our bit. He did, and does all the cooking. His parents were similar though, so I think he grew up seeing an equal split, and saw it as normal.

This is not evenly.

List all the things you do daily.
I bet it looks long.
List everything he does daily.
Bills, cars and DIY are not daily tasks. At worst bills are monthly, DIY is random and cars are yearly. Ffs hes taking the absolute piss out of you and you're ok with that.

Dh's share of the housework, parenting etc varied according to how much I was working (I was part time and briefly SAHM), but I'd say it has always been fair. He doesn't have a lazy bone in his body, nor does he regard any of that stuff as 'women's work'. The minute I went back full time (not until the dc were teenagers), he took on 50% (actually more than 50% probably). There was no discussion about it - he just does what needs to be done. It wouldn't occur to him not to. He's a ball of energy and loves cooking, gardening etc. Totally respectful to me and it wouldn't occur to him that I shouldn't have as much time for my own interests and hobbies as he does. He was always confident and hands-on with the dc. Never needed telling what to do etc.

respectful, kind and loving to their partners and appreciate them and treat them as an individual with their own needs and desires

So every man in every relationship you know, is disrespectful, unkind, unloving and dehumanising. They ignore their children, don't even take them to the park or read to them in bed and don't lift a finger around the house.

Sounds like you know a whole bunch of abusers OP. I'm sorry to hear that.

Yes they do.

My DH hasn't always been 50/50 but the threat of divorce and his wife having a breakdown did the trick, he doe more house stuff than me.

Can I add those types of men including my DH tend to be pretty boring!

So you always have the offset, boring, safe, lovely and super involved.

Or funny, ambitious and driven, never involved.

I think my parents sort-of did. We had a large family with a big age gap between oldest and youngest siblings. My dad tended to take on 'the big ones' and my mother 'the little ones'. They had similar jobs and thus similar work patterns, which might have helped.

@PortiasBiscuit

@Bodeganights is right, yours is taking the piss

@Saramiah yeah I've got a fat and bald one too.
And he likes football 😱
But other than that - he is pretty much how the OP describes the "mythical" man.
Most of the men I know are pretty much like that.

Yup I've got one! He does all the cooking, the shopping, the meal planning and is currently downstairs with DC whilst I have a lie in (brought me a coffee too!) he works FT ATM whereas I am PT and part SAHM. He had a parent at home as a child and wanted it for our family but made more sense for it to be me from a financial perspective. However being a FT SAHM didn't suit me so I went back a few days a week which is a good balance. He actually found me an ideal job which I enjoy. He takes DC away on trips so I can have a break (I find time at home alone to be very restorative), he's found me social groups and things I can join which match my interests. I knew I wanted to do things but wasn't doing well at prioritising myself so he prioritised me :) In return I make sure he can run a few times a week and go to a sports group, he goes back to his home country at least 4 times a year often solo for various family and social reasons. We have a good balance. We look out for one another. It's not perfect, we still have to work at the relationship regularly and are constantly choosing one another in spite of some pretty epic differences and completely different upbringings so we're forever attacking tasks in polar opposite ways. Causes some amusement and some frustration in equal measure. But it works for us. I think the reason is we communicate often, we talk about what we need or want and then try to help eachother facilitate that. We've never once assumed the other person would instinctively know or understand the others situation because we're so blooming different that that is sincerely unlikely, but that means we take time to explain and understand. It's something we now do with the kids too, have family meetings where we can chat about how our household should be operating on various topics. Feels very healthy, especially compared to my own upbringing in which I was essentially voiceless/devoid of opinion as far as my family was concerned.