Do these men even exist?!

[Killermanjaro]

Are there really men out there that have a job and do 50% of the housework/ chores / child rearing / cooking / 50% of the nappies, night feeds, playtime, walks in parks, bedtime reading etc, and at the same time are respectful, kind and loving to their partners and appreciate them and treat them as an individual with their own needs and desires?

I have never seen these men, they aren't in my friendship circle or at work or in my family. Definitely not my DH.

Replace the word men with women and replace 50% with a figure between 60-100% and I will find these women everywhere. These women are my friends, my family, my coworkers. I am one of these women 😔

If you have one of these mythical creatures, where the fuck did you find them?! (And do they have a brother?! 😆)

I think if more women did their due diligence when choosing a husband they wouldn’t have these issues
I think that people should have couple’s counselling before getting married.

My husband is like this. It’s 50/50 in my household and I wouldn’t have it any other way! This also teaches our children that’s how it should be.
My parents were like this, my brother is the same with his family, so I do think as children then seeing that parents take an equal share does make a difference.
I know I’m lucky, as like other posters I have friendship circles where there isn’t the case and the man does far less if anything.

I know lots of men who do their share of all the chores (or more), childcare etc and have a job.

Many of them are also absolutely lovely, kind etc — on the outside. But I also get reports from their wives (my friends) that they can be grumpy, irritating, messy and pester them for sex, or that they ignore their wives entirely.

Don’t believe what you see from the outside.

Good men do exist, but IME you have to avoid living with them.

We didn't have kids, but my exDH probably did more than half of the work. He certainly cooked all the meals, helped with the housework, mowed the (large) lawn, and did most of the gardening. I paid the bills because I like doing stuff like that, and I also washed and ironed, once again because I like doing it. Anything that needed organising he did as he liked doing that and I hated it. He organised more of our wedding than I did!

It’s not really a woman’s fault if a man presents as being all these things when she first meets him and after one baby and then they have two more, he hits 45 and can’t be arsed any more.

My DH and I know others. They aren't mythical in my circle but they are rarer I will agree.

I do 80% of the cooking but he does 100% of bill paying. I do most of the gardening. He does the mowing (or DS) . He will do a long day of say clearing a load of leaves.

With the DC we split very equally except he does nearly all of the football I take them both to church (my choice but its made schooling choices better!).

So we split things equally but in our own way.

I agree. People get carried away with attraction but few actually have any concrete conversations about expectations when married - I've even seen people say on here that its "not romantic" to talk about practical stuff like this eg how to split finances/pre nups, domestic chores, childcare etc Movie ideals of romance isnt much comfort to you when you're stuck with a lazy arsehole for a partner.

My partner did/does all that. We met when we were young, 18 and 19. We both grew up with dads who did nothing and mums who did everything, in unhappy homes, and didn't want that sort of relationship. My partner never wanted to be 'looked after' and thinks it's embarrassing when men can't look after themselves and the kids they've made.

My dad, brother and other male relatives have sniggered and called my partner offensive names in the past for changing nappies, doing a weekly shop, even for knowing where our kids clothes were kept and being able to dress them well when they were younger and just generally caring about me and out kids. Apparently that's 'not how real men behave'.

They've also said I control him, because that must be the only reason a man would be like this. 🙄 Nope, he's just a fully functioning human who wants a proper relationship with me, and to be a dad that our kids think as much of, as they do me.

My partner is just a really nice and decent person. We have a really good, honest and strong relationship more than 25 years later. Our kids are older teens and adults now and they're really close to their dad. They know they have a really good dad compared to most others.

A couple of my friends have similar husbands/partners but most women I know don't unfortunately. There must be other good men out there, I don't really mention it because it's normal for me and also, if someone else is saying they have a shit husband/partner, it can look as if I'm being insensitive. Anyone that knows us, sees what he's like though and people do comment things like 'you're so lucky' to me. My partner jokes about it but he's finds it a bit patronising.

Incidentally, one of his brothers is similar to him and one is a nasty, chauvinist arse, like his father.

My DH does not do 50% of everything but he does earn 100% of the money. I want to be a SAHM and so I do 95% of the child-related work as well as running a household. I haven’t had a lie in since DS was born lol, but I am very much a get up and go person and have plenty of energy so it works for us. I am always made to feel appreciated and valued. He spends all non-working time at home with us and around the house he does the laundry and the vacuuming. Not 50/50 but not a problem for us, to each their own.

DH. He does all cooking, grocery shopping and laundry, and is a fully involved father in terms of stories, tooth-brushing, clothes-buying, dentist visits etc and other gruntwork. He’s also CEO of a big organisation, which apparently should get him off parenting, according to some people. Not me, though.

I have one.

I have a good husband, he’s lovely. Does more than the lions share of the housework as he works from home and I’m out of the house.

He also coaches 2 kids sports teams, brings me tea in bed nearly every morning and makes me a packed lunch for work every day when he does the kids packed lunch.

I do most of the practical stuff like DIY as he’s not the best, I do the washing and ironing and most of taxiing to activities after school and weekends. I’d say he does about 75% of the cleaning as he’s here more. He’s very pro active and mental load is shared.

I think I get an easier time than a lot of women.

There must be other good men out there, I don't really mention it because it's normal for me and also, if someone else is saying they have a shit husband/partner, it can look as if I'm being insensitive

Same- my H is great but I dont talk about it because it feels insensitive to talk about it when others are struggling with uncaring partners. Therefore, I suspect there are many good men out there but the people who have them probably arent going around advertising that because well, why would they when others are unhappy? Its kind of like, I wouldnt talk about how easy it was for me to conceive because thats a dick move when others may be silently struggling with infertility.

I've got a "mythical man", in fact I think he does slightly more than me as he works from home.

His brother is the same in his marriage from what I have seen.

DH has a strong work ethic and is very practical/logical which I think comes from working from young age in his parent's takeaway.

His parents were good role models, as chefs both cooking and cleaning up and doing chores to help the family run smoothly.

In my relationship with DH I do things for him with pleasure to make his life easier, he does the same for me and because we are constantly reciprocating it doesn't feel like one or other is taking advantage (that I know of!).

I can see that if the scales tip, resentment would come in, but 15 years in, we are still good.

I think this is what the OP is getting at. I'm always reading on mumsnet about men who do at least 50% of everything but they also never get the slightest bit irritated, even if the roof falls in, or the tiny weeniest bit pissed off because sex is off the menu for a while - or forever. They are at all times utterly respectful, loving and caring no matter what domestic drama is unfolding (teenager punching holes in walls whilst jacking up on heroin and wearing a dress for example). I find it bloody hard to believe that there are so many men in this category. Actually, I find it fucking hard to believe there are many women in this category.

Yes. I'm married to one.

Found him on tinder.

At the moment he's probably doing more than 50% of the parenting and household stuff. We both work full time but I'm doing a qualification as well which involves a lot of studying so more of the other stuff is falling to him at the moment.

I have one - I’ve had a lie in this morning and so far he’s been up playing with our youngest, put a couple of washes on, tidied around, has now taken him to a club and will go to the shop when he’s done that to pick up some bits we need. Meanwhile, I’m still in bed pissing about on my phone!! Although tomorrow he will have a lie in and I’ll be up with the children.

I could tell from the moment that I met him that he was respectful, hardworking and decent. And that’s one of the things that attracted me to him. (He’s also tall and handsome and has other ‘qualities’ too 😉). But the fact that he was mature and grown up was a huge plus point! I honestly couldn’t put up with a man-child that did nothing.

He’s also very successful professionally and has a high earning job - This too is down to his hardworking nature but also the fact that he is a decent human being and people trust him. He’s worked his way to where he is with no help.

He doesn’t just behave like this because he’s in love with me as a previous poster says. We’ve been through TOUGH times and he has remained thoughtful and helpful throughout.

Most of my friend’s husbands share the workload with them too and are really lovely men. I know loads in fact!!

I come from a patriarchal household where we kowtow to the men. Only realised as I get older, that I’ve been the same with male bosses & boyfriends. And my DH. I want it to change for DS.

Yes, and he has brothers who are similar.
Similar family background to mine, upper working class/lower middle class where traditionally Dad worked and Mum did childrearing alongside part-time work.
When we first met I was clear what sort of man would be the type I'd spend a future with. I wanted a partner, an equal, not a baby.

"I think this is what the OP is getting at. I'm always reading on mumsnet about men who do at least 50% of everything but they also never get the slightest bit irritated, even if the roof falls in, or the tiny weeniest bit pissed off because sex is off the menu for a while - or forever. They are at all times utterly respectful, loving and caring no matter what domestic drama is unfolding (teenager punching holes in walls whilst jacking up on heroin and wearing a dress for example). I find it bloody hard to believe that there are so many men in this category. Actually, I find it fucking hard to believe there are many women in this category."

I posted about my decent dh earlier. My general feelings about him is that he's supportive, hard working and respectful but of course we have arguments and stresses. That's normal. We're human beings, not robots. However, because we feel like a team, we'll try to sort it out or just move on from it.

My DH is. We each tend to take responsibility for different tasks and others we share, but if anything I’d say he does slightly more than me in terms of practical tasks, and I do a bit of the mental load. I adore him and thank my lucky stars for him when I read some of the threads on here, even though I believe our relationship shouldn’t be remarkable. I had to sift through a LOT of men to find him though. Been together 20 years. We’re trying to raise our boys to be decent men too.

Yes, they exist. My kids all adults now but we shared approx 50;50 the kids feeding, nappies etc. With the big caveat that I only worked part-time so I guess it only applied out of work hours. But yes, he did do typical the women's role for a lot of the time. Took eldest to and from child minders, did lots of bed-time routines, although didn't put as much time into reading as he would fall asleep on their beds sometimes. I think they're out there but you need to vet to find the real helpful specimens. Good luck!

I've never known or heard of one!!!that's why am a single mother now and will never be ready to mingle. Oh well he does it all now as Co parenting he's got no choice plus I don't experience all the disrespect anymore so happy in my own home.

Yeah exactly this. Society in a nutshell really isn't it. You're allowed to moan but judged for the opposite. Misery loves company.

I'm useless at picking up on cues etc though and have no filter. When my DC were born I was naturally telling other mums what it was like in my house genuinely without thinking that it might not be the same. When the dads eventually met my DH it was with a 'oh it's you! You've made my life very difficult' vibe! Lucky he's such a lovely human that noone was cross with him/held a genuine resentment for long.

Yes, I have one. The only thing that isn’t exactly as you described was that I would do the vast majority of night feeds when our two were little (although he got up and prepped the bottle while I soothed and changed nappy) but this was my choice as he was at work and I was on mat leave and after a few weeks both of ours only woke once for a feed anyway so didn’t feel too bad.

He is cooking dinner today, and is currently outside prepping the meat smoker so he can sort it. It’s the little things he does that make me appreciate him so much too; once we had kids and couldn’t go out anymore he learned how to make our favourite cocktails and does a cocktail making session once a month for us.

In terms of my circle of friends, I would say about 75% of my friends’ partners are the same.

Yes, my husband is one !
He did 50% of the night feeds, 80% of the poonami nappies! He does housework...we play to our strengths...I do the cooking and the ironing, he does the hoovering, washing up and DIY. Our children are now adults but as teenagers they could ring him up at any time of night and he would go and pick them up if they needed it. He walks the dog 30% of the time but works later than I do. If I ask hin to do a chore he will do it without moaning.
He never asks what I spend money on and will happily share anything he has.
I knew what type of man ge was before I married him, and he hasn't changed.