Do these men even exist?!

[Killermanjaro]

Are there really men out there that have a job and do 50% of the housework/ chores / child rearing / cooking / 50% of the nappies, night feeds, playtime, walks in parks, bedtime reading etc, and at the same time are respectful, kind and loving to their partners and appreciate them and treat them as an individual with their own needs and desires?

I have never seen these men, they aren't in my friendship circle or at work or in my family. Definitely not my DH.

Replace the word men with women and replace 50% with a figure between 60-100% and I will find these women everywhere. These women are my friends, my family, my coworkers. I am one of these women 😔

If you have one of these mythical creatures, where the fuck did you find them?! (And do they have a brother?! 😆)

This is a way of describing someone that lets people walk all over them though. And while they’re probably lovely people, kind to a fault, it is a factor as to why they may put up with a life where someone does absolutely nothing and they do it all. Someone with this personality type is more likely to continue with the sort of husband that does fuck all.

I dunno. I haven't ever met one. That's why I'm long term single as I wouldn't put up with less!

QuarkBlisterbum
But letting people walk all over them? What if it’s not that, I honestly just don’t mind doing certain things, and I don’t care as much as the other person doesn’t want to do them? So a big ‘who’s going to do x?’ comes up either in the family or work, and everyone start’s saying they can’t/ don’t want to. and someone might ask you to do it. the dramatic people on mn (generally ready to stand up for themselves etc etc) might say ‘why should I?’, I’ll automatically say I’ll do it.

Yes I’ve been married to one for 23 years, he’s also tall, handsome, funny and my best friend. And Cretan, very different from the stereotype of the patriarchal Mediterranean male but actually all his brothers were raised the same, to adore and respect their wife, their children, to contribute equally to maintaining a household.

when we mostly took over a restaurant in Chania for an extended family get together, all of DH’s (tall, fit, handsome) male kin got up to dance and there were some female tourists who looked quite struck by the vapours 😁

My m-I-l is 93, has 5 sons and 1 daughter, and as a child probably took apart Nazis with her bare hands during the occupation of Crete. She is amazing and utterly fierce and loves form a huge heart. Nothing phases her. I wonder if that’s what imprinted her sons to choose strong, independent, very capable women as wives, to delight in that, not be intimidated by those qualities. I’m a dab hand in swinging a cast iron frying pan across a kitchen if I want to make a very emphatic point to an argument. (I always aim to miss.)

I’m highly educated, multi lingual, have an interesting career and DH is the heart of my confidence to be able to achieve all that, while raising our babies. I wouldn’t be half the person I am without his love and belief in me.

Yep. My brother does everything you've listed alongside my lovely SIL. She often thanks me and my sisters for training him well 🤣

I think though it does vary as to timing etc.

When the children were little, I was a sahp and I did 6/7 days of the cooking, and probably 90% of the washing, cleaning, shopping and 100% of the night feeds etc.

When I started working part (half) time, then I still did 90% of the cleaning and shopping, and probably 5-6/7 of the cooking but he would have done about 50% of the washing.

Then dh started working from home during 2020, and I was working out of the house, he started doing a lot more because he was there.
I'm now working full time away from home and he's home about 80% of the week.
He does almost all the cooking, and washing. It tends to be only if there's something extra I may do it - things like towels he tends to forget, so I'll every now and then put them on, but he'll probably be the one hanging them out and putting them away afterwards as he's there.
I still probably do the majority of the cleaning because his idea of cleaning is not my idea 🤣 Dd1 who is living at home does the majority of the shopping too.

But it was a bit of a learning curve for him being home. I remember telling him the gas man was coming to do the service.
"Why are you telling me?" was his first reaction.
I pointed out he was at home and I wasn't.
"But won't you come home to deal with him?"
I pointed out that it would take him less than 5 minutes to answer the door and point them in the direction of the boiler. Whereas I would have to ask him to phone me when he was on the way, come home from work, sit around while he did it - probably around 2 hours out of work time.
"What if I'm in a meeting...?"
Good try!

Actually he does still have a preference for me arranging the people in to do work, then telling him when they'll be (and me rearranging it if he is in the office that day 🙄 ) but he's learning. I now have the rule that if he asks me to organise it, he has to organise his time in the office to accommodate when they're coming. That sorted that one out.

He's pretty good. I normally come home from work with very little to do.

I've never met one either. Even a bloke that is good around the house doesn't do mental load, that always seems to fall to women.

Certainly do. My OH works 2days/2nights and is ex army. Insists on doing laundry/ironing and is very particular about the house. We have an adult DD who’s away at uni. He’s a prince among men 😀

My husband does 50%, we mostly take turns on doing things. For example, on Monday morning I'll drop our son to school whilst my husband walks the dogs, but Tuesday he'll drop our son to school and I'll walk the dogs. We do things like laundry as a team, so he'll bring it down, I'll put it on and we'll fold it together.

Well said!! I don't know how many times I've read about women who have to do "admin", and it takes soooooo much time, and is soooooo stressful and they simply shouldn't have to do it alone. When a man is doing it, well that's different, it's a five minute job once a year, and yes - financial abuse.

Here's my snap shot:
Are there really men out there that have a job yes
and do 50% of the housework/ chores / probably not
child rearing / again works so much that it falls on me
cooking cooks half the time yes, weekends does majority
50% of the nappies, no I distinctly remember it involved some nagging on my part
night feeds, he didn't have tits so no
playtime, yes because that bit is fun but also thinks this means allowing kids to watch men on you tube fart on people's dogs in the park then laugh about it (yes someone goes around doing this)
walks in parks, would not have finished my degree if he had not
bedtime reading etc, yes when not at work in evenings
and at the same time are respectful, has been told to wind his neck in on occasion
kind and loving to their partners yes
and appreciate them and treat them as an individual with their own needs and desires? yes

So no unicorn DH here 😂

Yeah I’ve also noticed this on here, in real life I’m yet to meet anyone who finds setting up a direct debit or phoning the dentist mentally challenging.

There was a poster on another thread who claimed the paper work involved with having children was completely overwhelming, despite being asked they were unable to confirm what a single piece of this so called paper work was.

The part that people object to is being the only one who ever does anything, being responsible for all of it, or it doesn't happen.

Also there's getting it done vs doing it to a good standard. You can buy any old car insurance, bank account, choose a new tumble dryer etc etc. But if you don't put some thought and effort into it, you could end up spending far more money on products and services that may not be suitable for your needs or even used/needed at all.

DH is very hands on but I had a hands on father despite a big job and DH mum had the big job with his dad working very p/t so unusually for the time his dad did a lot. This definitely influenced DH and my expectations however I would say DHs is quite unusual compared to our peers, the females do a lot. Some is because of control, micro managing but most men in my life don’t fit the OP

Of course they exist, I married one. Mine comes with the “engineer” feature so he fixes things too. It’s not just been willing to do half each though, we also talk about how we’re feeling. If things slip, something feels unfair etc, we can talk about it without it being an argument and sort things out.

Yes - my husband. We both work full time and changed our hours so I can do drop off and he picks up DD. He does all the cooking, washing up etc. I do all the life admin, money, bills, clothes etc. everything else is 50/50’down the middle.
i have no idea why anyone accepts anything but this. Two adults equals a 50% share.

My DH of 8 years works full time, I work part time. We share cleaning...he loves deep cleaning bathrooms, ovens and washing windows so I let him.
He does all the gardening...I do all admin ( which as others have said is not a mammoth task). I also organise all the holidays/ breaks...we have one a month.
We share the cooking.
His father was a vile man who abandoned his mother in the 60s.....he is the absolute opposite of him.

Heartening to hear these decent men do exist. I have not found one this good from observing all my friends colleagyes and acquaintances over the years.

I’ve got one too. He’s literally a unicorn of a man.

He’s Mediterranean, raised by a single working mother so knows how to take care of a house. He cooks, cleans, does laundry, goes shopping etc without prompting.

He's what most people consider a nerd. Works in IT, loves fantasy books and movies. He hates watching sports but is buff because he’s a gym goer.

Most importantly, he is a kind, caring thoughtful man who loves us. He’s a softie who cries if he sees a dead animal on the road and will cry at movies etc. Not a drop of toxic masculinity here!

Yes my DH probably does more than me. He is great and I'm so pleased he is a wonderful role model for DD and DS. He works a very senior, professional job with long hours and occasional travel that I need to accommodate, but then so do I and he accommodates my work. My lovely MIL brought him up to be self-sufficient and can be heard berating him for not looking after me enough, because it is so tough being a working mum 😆 On a night out recently with the school mums, it was embarrassing seemingly having the only competent DH (even though all the dads have been very involved with school events, drop offs etc), which took me by surprise. Most of my friends too do not have even relationships and I fear the same for my sister (although she does push my BIL out in terms of childrearing). Most of the men involved are nice but weaponise incompetence/lazy.

My husband is one. Outside of working hours, we share everything 50-50. He treats me exactly as he should, with love and respect. We've never had a nasty argument or deliberately tried to hurt each other even when angry.

Most of my friends' husbands are the same (as far as anyone can know what's going on behind closed doors). I only know one or two couples where the husband is a selfish user, and they were that way before marriage and kids.

He’s a softie who cries if he sees a dead animal on the road

🫤

I have got one, and he really is incredible.

I think they are a rarity.

The only thing my DH couldn't do were night feeds, because I breastfed.

Positive stories on here fill me with hope thank you all