Do these men even exist?!

[Killermanjaro]

Are there really men out there that have a job and do 50% of the housework/ chores / child rearing / cooking / 50% of the nappies, night feeds, playtime, walks in parks, bedtime reading etc, and at the same time are respectful, kind and loving to their partners and appreciate them and treat them as an individual with their own needs and desires?

I have never seen these men, they aren't in my friendship circle or at work or in my family. Definitely not my DH.

Replace the word men with women and replace 50% with a figure between 60-100% and I will find these women everywhere. These women are my friends, my family, my coworkers. I am one of these women 😔

If you have one of these mythical creatures, where the fuck did you find them?! (And do they have a brother?! 😆)

Yes! But he’s 20 years older than me.

It can't all be role modelling and upbringing.

DH is quite different to FIL on the home front and his brother, even more so. FIL is quick to wash up, hoover and mend but wouldn't dream of cooking or doing childcare. No expectation ever that MIL would work for money after marriage.

We don't do things like that but their roles are definitely less contested. And their house is more orderly!

The culture surrounding you (including how the money's made) when you make those decisions about who will do what is very important (or don't make the decisions but fall into ways of doing things "because it makes sense", "because you're better at it.")

No doubt in Scandinavia the economy works rather differently.

I mean, I think we all know Mumsnet isn't representative.

😂

My DH is like this and so is my best friend who is an amazing dad and husband.

When I first met my DH he was so genuine. And reliable. Even as a student! I remember being so excited that I phoned my Granny and said “he’s so genuine! Like Grandad” - my grandparents are long gone. But my husband and I have been together for 20 years. Though he is a colossal pain in the ass at times but aren’t we all 😂

It’s great that you’re happy, and I hope you truly are, but that is not even close to being an even workload!

Your nearly full time job is on top of all the daily household tasks and all the daily child rearing/care, and he occasionally fixes a broken appliance and sets up a bills direct debit once or twice a year.

In fact, since he’s made you think that “handling the bills” is some sort of big important task, does that mean that you have little access to, or knowledge of, the shared finances? In which case that’s also something that doesn’t sound very positive at all…

The very fact everyone feels so grateful does kind of point to this not being the norm.

I’m grateful for everyone in my life that’s a decent , good human. I’m grateful for my mum and the help she offers us when we’re both busy with work. I’m grateful for my wonderful group of friends and how supportive they are of each other. I’m grateful for the health of my children. You’re not only grateful for things that are not the norm.

I have one, he’s bloody brilliant. We split the night feeds (she doesn’t often have them anyway, but doesn’t go to bed until midnight), we split the early mornings.
He used to do the lions share of the housework before I went on Mat Leave as he worked partially from home previously. We now have more of a split on this. 9/10 he cooks. He’d move heaven and earth for us.

He’s bloody brilliant when it comes to birthdays and Christmas, date days and holidays.

Don’t get me wrong, he has his moments and sharing the mental load is hard, he’s genuinely really forgetful so I write everything down and I find it frustrating. But he’s got better with making notes or using the calendar.

Yes, they do exist. But women don't prioritise those characteristics when selecting a partner.

No woman ever initiated divorce because her partner was shorter than her preferred height, or was slightly overweight or insufficiently hirsute. But those are the sorts of filters most people use when selecting a first date. And, equally, men select using a corresponding set of slightly different criteria.

I’m not grateful at all. I expect DH to do what he does. We’re both parents who work FT.

Yes.

Married to one.

I wouldn't expect anything less and hope my DC grow up the same.

I love mumsnet.

When a woman handles the bills, it's this mythical "admin" that builds into an intolerable mental load.

When a man handles them, it's financial abuse.

I've raised one, as I'm sure most Gen X-ers have. So times are a-changing x

Yes! We are 50/50 in everything, when one of us has a lot going on the other one picks up the slack, and visa versa. He sees what needs doing and does it, he is also a wonderful hands on father and a supportive and loving husband for the last 17 years.

I can't imagine my life without him, they exist, don't settle, it's worth waiting for.

I agree to some extent. I admit my friends and I often moan to each other about these things and mostly with good reason. But I've noticed recently some that complain the loudest are in fact controlling, dating back to before kids. One friend recently said her husband doesn't know how to use the washing machine, literally. I said why can't he figure it out he's not stupid, and she said he'd probably shrink his clothes etc. If she doesn't 'let' him wash his own clothes I can only imagine how critical she is with other duties. She is the kind of person who irons her underwear and has a really tidy house. I lived with this man as a student, he was perfectly competent then. I have lost a lot of respect for this woman to be honest.

Another friend chose gifts for the kids for her partner to bring back from a trip abroad and put them in the boot of the car so he could pretend to the kids that he bought them. She said it was because he could choose something 'wrong' from duty free or whatever. No wonder he switched off.

This is I suppose my own fault (in my defence, I was young and naive when I met him) but "letting my husband do things his own way" would mean no clean sheets on the bed, shopping only when food runs out, not marking anyone's birthday, ignoring all health problems until they become serious, never planning ahead financially...

I don't want to live like that.

I have never sat down with an excel spreadsheet and worked it all out but I would say my husband is one

I've got one too. Everything has always been 50/50 (except bins - that's a man's job) without discussion. We just both chip in as and when we can.

Yes my partner is one of those - works really hard in a job that he loves and makes a difference. Engaged parent, does fair share (and a lot of the time more) of the daily drudge, is kind caring and considerate.

im very lucky and I always acknowledge it. But we also work really hard on our relationship and ourselves, we take ownership and call each other out when needed.

He isn’t perfect and of course sometimes he is annoying as fuck and I know I am too occasionally. We fall out occasionally but we don’t disrespect each other and we approach everything as a team.

he is the man all of my friends look to as the “best partner” - I really don’t take it for granted and I hope I’m not eating my words in 5 years when he cheats on me and fucks off with a new woman 😬

I sometimes joke that I married the unicorn of men: loyal, kind, rich, massive 😂

But in all seriousness, yes my DH is one of those men, in fact I think he actually does more than me. I’m a SAHM, but he does all the washing, does every morning so I can sleep (pregnant), takes care of the bills (yes I have full access to all money and will be completely safe in case of divorce), fully participates in all aspects of childcare - bath, bed time, meals, etc (he’s self employed and works from home so is always present and available). I do all the initial night feeds though because I breastfeed, but he joins in once I stop at 10 months.

Before marrying DH I dated his best mate: charismatic, party boy, leader of the pack- everything that I would have said was my ‘type’, but he was also a fuckboy and commitmentphobe. After witnessing the way this guy treated me, my now DH said that if he were ever lucky enough to be with me, he would never treat me so poorly. So I said prove it, and the rest as they say is history!

At first glance he might have seemed quiet/ boring, less superficially attractive, but as I got to know him better I realised he was in fact very much an alpha male, far more intelligent than me, assertive, ambitious, fun and the best lover I’ve ever had. Turns out loyalty, kindness and feeling safe are sexy AF!

I now encourage my younger cousins to swerve the gorgeous ‘bad boys’ and take a chance on the quiet, unassuming boys because they might just make far better husbands.

Yes they exist, my ex is a great dad, liked to cook and pull his weight when he was home (he worked away a lot too…half the year technically.) he would help a lot when they were babies, let me rest and nap etc. but obviously he is my ex. No one is perfect, I had my own problems and so did he in lots of other ways, and to keep a long story short he let me down In a lot of ways. I lost the love and respect which is a shame, but I will still stand by the fact that he is a great dad and was very hands on.

We are working class and all the men in my family pull their weight domestically and they are equal parents - even my soft old dad who is sadly not with us anymore but despite his generation would cook, clean and be a brilliant patient father/grandfather.

I won’t say that at times in life (probably when the children were little) it became about blue and pink jobs, just because that’s how it panned out. But overall the model in our family (and extended family) is 100% teamwork - it’s all about what people do best and pulling together.

I never expected my DC to do jobs at home but my DS, who now has his own flat, is very domesticated and an ‘equal’ partner with his gf because he saw that modelled at home.

I think it says a lot about the integrity of a man if he’s willing to sit back and enjoy his life whilst his partner is a beast of burden. I could never have partnered with a man like that. I also think men who can’t look after themselves or their dc completely independently are unattractive man-babies.

My DH is one of these unicorns. Cooks loads, does share of laundry, v loving. Big job so lots I pick up as I have more free time. It’s a constant honest conversation around what the household needs and who is best placed to do it. I wouldn’t have married a traditionalalist who thinks women should do everything in the house or with kids

I don’t think they’re ‘unicorns’ at all. I know loads. And two SAHDs.

I have one, he done all nappies when I was BF even at night.

Met in the military but he's one of these that can't sit still so he probably does more chores than me.

Distinctly remember coming back off holiday. I was sorting the clothes into piles.....he started pulling out all the kitchen cupboards and deep cleaning and then moaned I wouldn't help....jog on mate, I'm away to my bed!!