Do these men even exist?!

[Killermanjaro]

Are there really men out there that have a job and do 50% of the housework/ chores / child rearing / cooking / 50% of the nappies, night feeds, playtime, walks in parks, bedtime reading etc, and at the same time are respectful, kind and loving to their partners and appreciate them and treat them as an individual with their own needs and desires?

I have never seen these men, they aren't in my friendship circle or at work or in my family. Definitely not my DH.

Replace the word men with women and replace 50% with a figure between 60-100% and I will find these women everywhere. These women are my friends, my family, my coworkers. I am one of these women 😔

If you have one of these mythical creatures, where the fuck did you find them?! (And do they have a brother?! 😆)

Well my ex did work and did half of all the childcare and house stuff. But, he is an alcoholic and was an absolute fucking nightmare to live with. So I suppose you need to choose your battles.

Nobody is perfect. I'm in my 40s and every couple I grew up with (even the ones where the man did do 50/50) have all separated for one reason or another.

I have lots of mates who are like that. I think I’m also like that but tbh lived on my own for 10 years so have done everything. As has the kids mum.

I think it’s good for the kids that they see both me and her doing it all in our respective houses. They see her doing bins and DIY and me laundry and sewing on buttons (sorry, picked a couple of stereotypical man/woman jobs)

at the risk of sounding a bit like an incel, I think a couple of previous posters said something interesting. All the decent bloke mates I know have struggled a bit with relationships. They’re either not good looking, short, geeky, dull. But fundamentally really good guys.

women friends I have who have men who don’t pull their weight went for the tall handsome rich bad type. (Not an exhaustive survey I know)

You tell me now!

My Dad was one of these parents and partners, when he wasn’t on deployment. Massively hands on with everything. Loves cooking.

My DP is also one of these. No kids, but between us we just do everything. Mental load, physical load. No micromanagement requires. He did live by himself for many years and as a result is very house proud.

Male friends, I have a bit of a mix. Some great, some not so much. But then I also know a Mum who is only doing bare minimum at home and her husband does almost everything for the kids/house and works full time, so whilst I know that’s unusual I’ve seen it both ways.

Yes I have one of these and I got him on the internet 🤣

Some days i have very little energy, have 3 high needs children (older 2 are not his) so often feel mentally/emotionally drained but he will come home from work, put dinner on, walk the dog, have a tidy up/clean, put washing on - whatever needs doing. Im not lazy by all means and i do work but i'm more of a 'i'll do it later' type of person but he gets in there before i do often.

Even when he has work the next morning he will do his share of getting up with baby did loads of night feeds, nappy changes, will take him out so i can have a break.
The older two's dad was useless, didnt do sod all then made me sound pathetic when we broke up saying its because he didnt do housework.

Dont get me wrong there are other things he could work on but generally he is great.

Hmm so looks like they are out there but still in the minority.

I was very very young and naive when I got married. I can see the "red flags" now but I was a different person then and I had low standards which I didn't realise then. It didn't help that my own DM/ Df didn't model a healthy relationship dynamic and DM did literally everything whilst df went to work and did little around the house / dc.

I am now a different person, have grown and understand what a good relationship is and though dh does do some stuff, it's been a struggle to get to this point and it's not sufficient anyway.

We mostly share things evenly, I'm on maternity at the moment and when I go back I'll be working three days a week so end up doing a bit more childcare and house stuff but I think it's fair. He does 90% of pick up and drop offs. When I go back to work we will do a drop off each for each child. He comes home and starts helping me rather than going for a 30 minute poo. He does most the food shopping. Most early mornings because I'm crap with no sleep. Pays more of the bills than I do and gives me flowers once in a while.

Yes! DH is a real unicorn. Works FT and does 90% cooking and cleaning even though I am on mat leave. Always happy to take baby so I can rest and is really involved with my DD from a previous relationship. The apron strings were cut for him at age 8 when he was put to boarding school - I wonder if that’s why he’s so keen to create such a happy family home. On the flip side, he can be a bit militant with chores (and he does call them chores! Also boarding school?) and emotionally, a little bit of a robot. Don’t think there was a lot of expression of emotions in his life before me and kids.

Not meaning to sound critical because he is truly the best man I know, but no one is the full package. Sometimes I would have liked someone who did less around the house and was more passionate and emotional!

I'm afraid to say that I do actually have one of these very rare and highly coveted species. I don't want to out myself though, lest anyone try to locate and steal him. They do exist, but you have to be extremely decisive and grab them before someone else does. I got my claws into mine when I was 18 and before he realised what was happening!

Mine sounds exactly the same.

I have one! Actually he probably does way more than 50% for various reasons. He's wonderful and I adore him

Yes I have one. We both cut back work when the kids were young, he does all cooking shopping laundry diy and car stuff so I can focus on high paid job.

Met in ours early 20s and I could tell he was a doer-upper, good foundations just badly decorated as it were.

now we are in our 50s he is hot hot hot and would have women lining up for him.

But we both work hard on our relationship and to the outsiders probably are overly controlling of each other.

My husband works about 50 hours a week, I work less but do all the school runs. I do all the morning jobs like breakfast and packed lunches and things like that, evening meals are split, washing up split, I clean the house and he maintains it/keeps the garden tidy.
I met him at a gig. My sister in laws’ husbands are very similar to my husband.

Yes, mine. Most of my friends too. I'd rather be alone than in anything less than a truly loving and mutually supportive relationship. As for PP who said good men are boring... no they are not. Can't think of anything more boring than a self-centred man-child!

What do you mean that by people might think you're overly controlling of Rach other? Why would they think that?

Met at universities in the late 1970s (we're quite old!). Left university, went into equal status careers and from the get go we both did equal shares of housework, cooking, life admin.

When we had children we made a conscious decision to share things, though I returned to part time work while the kids were tiny so did proportionately more of housework etc. but considering this was in the late 80s and early 90s, we did achieve the best balance we could. I returned to full time work pretty soon and from then on it's been 50:50

I do think nowadays in theory it should be easier for couples to share things (back when we had kids there was no paternity leave even and certainly no option for transferable parental leave.) I agree with some PP that some women can be quite possessive when children come along and micro manage things, and don't actually want an equal split, so I think to some extent it's about picking the partner and the relationship you want

My DH does this. So does my Dad. My BILs. Most of my male friends.

There are lots of decent men out there.

I wouldn't be with any man who wasn't an equal partner.

Whereas I am not condoning lazy entitled husbands and partners I think many men simply cannot multitask as well as us women can plus once they are tired they just cannot function properly. It is in our DNA to be multitaskers. Something many men seem to struggle with.

@Killermanjaro in that we don’t do stuff by ourselves at weekends, made sure we didn’t have to travel for work, we both prioritise being at home so when life gets busy we schedule weekends to spend together

Those men do exist. They're usually the topic of the "ick" threads you see on here because when all the big boxes are ticked, you've got find something to knock him down.

Yeah I don't think women actively go around looking for unequal partners. Its more complex than that.

Ah okay, that seems okay but I assume either of you can spend time alone doing things you individually want.

Also my DH (and I'd say the men in my circle, though obviously I don't know the details). We both work full time (very long hours). He cooks 90% of the time and cleans the kitchen 80% of the times (I help sometimes). 50% of other cleaning and tidying. 100% of bins (unless he is away), garden and DIY. I look after the money, bills and admin & organising, and the other share of cleaning. We don't have children yet but I have zero doubts he will do his fair share if not more. He is also handsome (tall and athletic), goes to the gym, loves his family and friends, fun, charismatic, interesting and knowledgeable, loves a good party, extremely caring.

He does leave his fingerprints on the kitchen and has a little problem closing drawers / wardrobe doors after he opens them, but one can't have everything! (And of course, I have my own share of annoying traits).

I have never met one of these men. I'm in my 50s. Once I was in a workshop with my job, and another woman said, oh we split everything equally at home, my partner shares it all. I was interested and said, Really? How?
She then looked slightly abashed and said, well, I do slightly more...
So I'm sceptical.

@Enko starts checking flights to Sweden