Do these men even exist?!

[Killermanjaro]

Are there really men out there that have a job and do 50% of the housework/ chores / child rearing / cooking / 50% of the nappies, night feeds, playtime, walks in parks, bedtime reading etc, and at the same time are respectful, kind and loving to their partners and appreciate them and treat them as an individual with their own needs and desires?

I have never seen these men, they aren't in my friendship circle or at work or in my family. Definitely not my DH.

Replace the word men with women and replace 50% with a figure between 60-100% and I will find these women everywhere. These women are my friends, my family, my coworkers. I am one of these women 😔

If you have one of these mythical creatures, where the fuck did you find them?! (And do they have a brother?! 😆)

My DH is a brilliant dad. We met later so he assumed he may not get a shot at fatherhood so he was like an excited puppy when DS was born. Handed to him straight after birth, he pushed the pram out of hospital and gave the first bottle.
DS is now 7 and I would say it’s even. Both work FT but DH is a teacher so holiday childcare is his domain. Household jobs are shared. I cook more but because I like it

I’ve got one.

I chose very carefully, put him through his paces and took years to settle down. 7 years to get married, 10 years to have first child and he never wavered, not once.

He is a better parent than I am, 50: 50 house stuff but he does 80% child related activities.

He is totally focused on our children.

They do. And I’d you don’t have one you need to insist.

My husband does all the drop offs and the odd pick up, always gets up first, takes equal time to himself, is home for bedtimes, does baths, nappies etc…I do all the cooking, but he does all the day to day cleaning and organising for the weekly cleaner. I do work part time, my choice, so I technically do more hours, but in terms of what we do when not at work it is equal.

@cupcaske123 I don't think OP was saying no man she knows ever takes his mind to the park. But do they do it 50% of the time, along with everything else kid related? Willingly and happily?

Unless you're from a culture where you entered an arranged marriage then I wouldn't blame cultural problems.

You get to pick your own DH, as the responses point out, there are millions of good men out there who do just as much as us, some people just pick poorly.

@Poolstream
Did your Dad follow in his footsteps? 🙂

My dh is like this. We share all roles. There is no nagging, if something needs doing, whoever sees it gets it done.

My dad was also like this. As was dh dad.

I know a few who pull their weight

Not 50/50 in every job but 50/50 overall

ExH did half of everything, pretty much, and he’s from a culture where men traditionally don’t do any housework. My grandfather used to get waited on hand and foot and DGM used to see that as normal, so she’d watch ExH and comment, almost in a David Attenborough voice ‘He’s doing the washing up’ 😂 Unfortunately ExH very much saw himself as ´helping’ me, so when we split up he stopped having to help and has never really done any of the practical DC related stuff, although he does see them.

Current DP does quite a lot but only if it doesn’t clash with something else he’d rather be doing.

My husband does more than his fair share of the domestic stuff/childcare and is a better cook than me and prepares meals more than I do.

But he wouldnt cut it in the "would you date a man without a university education?" polls as he left school at 16 to work and then started a business and many people say thats "unacceptable" so....

My son does. If anything he takes more than 50% of the childcare and life admin. They are a total team.
My other son does when his working hours aren't significantly longer than his wife's. When they are, she does a little more at home by agreement. He's only ever done longer hours to provide for the family. They are also a total team.
my 3rd son is in a DINK relationship. they share absolutely everything too.
All my sons support and respect their OH. No jealousy, control or man baby behaviour.
They are all in their 30s. They do exist if they're brought up right.

Yes but I married him 28 years ago. Thing is, I knew him and the type of person he was before we had chn.

No children yet but my partner does more than me as he does most of the cooking, the food shopping, driving, gardening, and DIY. He bakes bread every week and sometimes I get a cake or biscuits baked too. I do more cleaning and tidying. We do our own laundry. Overall I would say he puts more hours in as my tasks are quite quick.

I’m a bit forgetful and purposefully don’t micro manage so he picks up the mental load himself. I do weaponise incompetence and laziness a bit too.

He has flaws in other areas of life though eg he’s a phone addict, has a low salary and he’s no social butterfly, he wouldn't be everyone’s cup of tea.

I don't have this set up but I'm happy with the balance we have. Dh works in a job that requires long hours and I work part time so the chores are mainly left to me.

However, dh is supportive, respectful, loving and appreciates what I do. He accepts I have different views and passions to his and encourages me to follow them.
He's not lazy and does a lot during the weekends as well as his own hobbies.

I think the attitude and feelings for their partner matter much more than weather everything is split 50/50. Too many women are with men who don't give a crap about them.

I don't blame women for this.

That's just victim blaming.

No-one can know for sure in advance what a man will be like once there are responsibilities. Maybe they don't know themselves.

The fact is that if heterosexual men in relationships with kids wish to be lazy or even abandon the whole thing, then there's little punishment, and also little reward for doing the right thing.

There is, however, a lot of trouble for women if they have the same slack approach. Often from other women!

Mine is a responsible one who doesn’t leave it all to me - not everything is 50/50 but I am SAHM for last 2yrs, previously I was part time. He works full time over 4 days. When kids were pre school he always had a day or two days a week childcare, because he wanted the small years with his kids. He didn’t do night feeds but I BFd and he took babies in morning to let me sleep.

Over years we have come to a general routine that feels fair to us both, I do most of the cooking, he does most of the dishes and dishwasher. He does more daily tidying up, I do more cleaning, loos etc. He does the school runs 4 mornings a week around work and does a lot of the dog walking. I do more of the ‘wife work’ like birthday gifts and buying kids clothes. Sometimes I feel a bit grumbly about that part as it does feel I do it because the burden is on me societally as a woman to be more thoughtful- he’s not troubled by that. But given I’m not working just now I think it’s fair enough.

Oh and also I don’t like how a lot more falls on me when we have guests to stay over, because he doesn’t cook well and I want the house cleaned well etc - he thinks I care too much and while he has a point it’s been a flash point over years which is now largely settled by me saying I’m not having any guests unless it’s a time where there’s plenty time and space for me to prepare and he agrees to do extra housework. If I had a magic wand I’d make him better at that part, but no one is perfect.

Generally he is a man who is willing and happy to take responsibility, and is able to take on feedback whenever I’ve felt the balance is unfair.

Most Scandinavian men are like that.

I do agree it's to do with what we expect. When the kids were small if I was out people would ask "is dh babysitting?" I always replied. "No he is parenting"

When I worked weekends for a.long period I got told "oh I bet the house is a mess when you return with dh in charge" I replied " if it is then he will tidy it up won't he?" (Sometimes it was a mess sometimes it was tidy - just like when I had thr children and yes he tidied"

There are lower expectations so set your expectations higher.

Don’t have kids with a man that is lazy in other areas of his life, or talks about women’s roles in a different way to you.

My DH is like this. I think that "how to find them" OP is to see what their father is like and to think about how deeply rooted your own expectations were/ are. My FIL did 50% of the house and family work before MIL sadly died. My dad did lots too, probably nearer 40-50%. But my mum went back to work when I was three months old which was unheard of in the late 1960s. So I grew up subconsciously expecting a very equal partnership. And I looked for kindness, humour, intelligence and interest in a partner rather than a sharp dress sense. And I've been very, very lucky 😁

Mine. He does all the cooking and shopping, hoovering and 50% of nights and baby related chores.

I do cleaning of bathrooms, laundry and baby admin.

His father was a lazy so and so which inspired him to be different. His brother however is the laziest pos I’ve ever met, even worse than their father which is saying something. I want to tell his long term girlfriend to RUN!

We now live in Scandinavia, it’s really nice to be at childrens parties, soft play, toddler groups etc and not be the only dad. Its also very nice to see groups of dads meeting with their kids at the park etc.

I hardly ever post on mumsnet but have used it for the amazing wealth of knowledge it provides, having found pregnancy (IVF) and first year of parenthood hard! But I am commenting to say I do have one of those. We both work full time and we both do 50% of everything but.. what I will say is that it work. My DH came from a very traditional family, where his DM does ALL housework and childcare (although now they are both amazing hands on grandparents) but it took conversations and work and lots of explaining and understanding, but I’m lucky to have a DH who will at least listen and work on it. A lot of my friends, it’s just a given they will do 80-90% of everything and their partners won’t listen.

Yeah I've got one and there's quite a few in my friendship group and family.

Don't get me wrong, there are also lazy arseholes who don't pull their weight but the good ones do exist.

I would say we are 50/50 overall yes and he's certainly a kind, considerate husband.

We definitely equally share kid stuff and mental load.

We also share cooking/kitchen stuff equally. And laundry.

We are traditional I suppose in how we split household jobs. He's good at DiY and gardening. I hate those jobs so rarely do them. He'd happily live in filth so doesn't naturally tend towards housework but if he doesn't have DIY and gardening to do he gets stuck in with the bits he does see and I can tell him, for example, to run the hoover over while I clean the bathroom and he happily gets on with it.

I'm happy with that.

Yes they exist, I have one. He is lovely, does more than me to be honest. Very handsome as well. I don't know how I did it. 😂