Husband said 'nice comb-over' to a man at a work drinks event

[Ramsgarthy]

My husband was at a networking drinks event for lawyers last night in London.

He is from Northern Ireland and when another man heard his voice, they said to him, 'you sound like you should be on Crimewatch'.

I understand that this was meant to be a joke (the idea being that he sounds like he's from the IRA). it is not a great joke.

But my husband replied sarcastically, 'nice comb-over', referring to the man's attempt to cover up his bald patch.

The man replied, 'now you're getting personal'.

No drinks had been had at this stage.

I think my husband's reply about the comb-over was unkind and uncalled for, because it was about his personal appearance, and would make him feel self-conscious. Do others agree?

I didn't say i was surprised. Just interested. I like hearing POV, that's all

Exactly this. (What @StormingNorman said)

Also think about it this way, you might make a joke that gently mocked your parent or sibling, but you’d be very upset if someone else outside the family made the same joke.

By the way you mention your father’s sensitivity about his bald patch- very odd here that you are fully empathetic with your father’s sensitivities but don’t seem to understand your husband’s. In fact you are berating your husband because what he said touched a nerve in relation to your father. A psychologist might have something to say about that..

I don't agree with those who think that mocking someone's bold patch is harmless. My husband is very sensitive about his own thinning hair. My dad is bald and has always been sensitive about it.

Nobody is saying that it isn't upsetting and humiliating to have a bald patch pointed out. But does your Dad accuse people he's just met of being murdering terrorists?

If he doesn't, then I would very much hope that nobody makes mean comments drawing attention to his baldness. If he does... well, he should know that you can't wantonly insult other people and then get upset when they respond in kind.

It's not an unusual stance at all though. If anything, strongly identifying as both is more unusual, although growing in popularity.

This is an interesting POV to me. My husband is from NI and he is very firm that he is both. And he is protestant.

@Bansheed

Your DH's pov seems to be unusual, at least according to the 2021 census where questions on national identity were posed.

National identity of Northern Ireland residents (2021):
British only 31.9%
Irish only 29.1%
Northern Irish only 19.8%
British & Northern Irish 8.0%
Irish & Northern Irish 1.8%
British, Irish & Northern Irish 1.5%
British & Irish 0.6%

In the past I think it more likely that someone could identity as both. The Troubles did so much damage in that regard. Hopefully things can change again now.

It was the 70s. He is a comedian. It was a joke.

He didn't go up to random Germans and say he hated them, anyway Hitler was born in Austria-Hungary and moved to Germany in his twenties, so not really German.

Do you think that all people aged under 50 - who weren't even born when he made this joke - should be passing judgement. At the time it was only those under 30 who weren't born when he said this.

We are talking about 30 years after the war when probably at least half the population had been alive and affected by the war. Fathers, brothers etc killed fighting, other loved ones killed at home in bombing raids. There were still bomb sites which hadn't been fully cleared never mind redeveloped. There are still UXBs being found, which when detonated in a controlled explosion cause some more damage but which, if explode independently have the potential to kill more people today. There is a huge arms dump in the Irish Sea which contains around a million tons of bombs, rockets and other armaments, a lot from WW2.

These days we (should) all know that the majority of conscripted soldiers (on both sides) didn't want to fight, they had no choice but did it to defend their countries.

The war didn't just end in 1945 and everything go back to how it was. Rationing didn't end until 1954 and even then some food was still scarce. In the 70s there were a lot of people still living with the consequences of their wounds and injuries. Growing up in the 60s and 70s I remember seeing men with facial injuries (burns) and eye-patches and some with missing limbs. Prosthetics was still in its infancy and an artificial leg would be a heavy, cumbersome wooden thing. It was a constant daily reminder of what had happened. The NHS and social security didn't exist till a few years after the war which meant financial hardship for families whose main breadwinner had either been killed or wounded.

These days school children learn about the second world war in history lessons, but at least two generations (my parent's and grandparent's) lived through it, although at least 70million worldwide did not.

So, as you say (nearly) 80 years later it is unlikely that any modern day comedian would make a similar joke, however in the 70s there was still a lot of anti-German feeling and not just in the UK but around the world.

It’s a very different ‘joke’ when made by someone who isn’t Irish!

Of course it's different when the person the,selves makes the comments. Surely you understand that?

Coincidentally, today is International Joke Day, so perhaps the originator of the Irish accent "joke" should have a good think about what is a joke, and especially in this case an International one.

But I think you know this already - many communities use words that would be very offensive/racist/homophobic if someone outside the community was to use that term. You can't possibly be unaware of this.

just because you haven't experienced something doesn't mean it doesn't exist. I don't think there were comments saying it was harmless - if your husband just said it out of the blue it would be nasty and it was probably still childish but it was in response to being called a terrorist so probably some leeway is called for. I think everyone is just
a bit confused that it seems like you've deep concern for the feelings of a random stranger who implied your husband was a terrorist and think he should be cool with this.

Great come back from your husband. The other fella deserved it

It’s cos in her head Combover was her Dad.

I think we're discussing at cross purposes here.

You said By the way, Stan Boardman has every right to hate the Germans - suggesting the present.

Of course, a huge amount of devastation and hatred between the cultures was caused back then, with an impact that lasted a long time.

If he can't take 'banter' back then he shouldn't have dished it out to your husband in the first place. Good on your hubby for the come back remark. I'd probably have put him in his place too if he's made a rude comment to me.

2 letters right next to one another on the qwerty keyboard. Easy mistake to make…’s’ and ‘d’.

My dad’s family is from a village in a Slavic area of Europe. In the 70s and 80s there were plenty of people who were directly affected by Nazi atrocities. Not so easy for them to forget.

On the other hand, there was the young German soldier who (God bless him) saved my great-aunt from being raped by his officer, though he couldn’t stop the massacre of half the village.

His brother was killed in a bombing raid by the Germans and just because it happened 80+ years ago doesn't diminish its effects on the family.

So yes I said HAS - present tense. You don't stop loving someone or being affected by an event because it happened in the past and not yesterday, or is there a time limit on grief?

That idiot deserved what he got, I am in team husband, sorry.

Yes HAS, present tense. I probably make a fair few typos, but this is not one of them.

This is why people should not forget, or be allowed to. It is the only way of hopefully ensuring it never happens again although with madmen like Putin and the holocaust deniers it is debateable.

@VeryHappyBunny Misandry is a nonsense while we live in a patriarchy.
For for discrimination, I am a feminist woman and a Jew so I know far more about it that a Irish Catholic man. Comparing Irish complaints to what Jews in the UK suffer is an anti-semitic troupe.

Sounds like you're saying Irish people have no cause to complain because Jews have it worse?!

I'm not sure that necessarily follows...

I think Irish people have had their fair share of oppression by Britain.
A few anti Irish tropes that still perpetuate today...
Thick Micks
Stupid Paddies
Thieving pikeys
Drunks
Breeders of numerous children
Terrorists - as a pp mentioned it comes with a specific anti Catholic slant accusing people of being in the IRA, never the UVF or any other Protestant paramilitary group
And let's not forget
Dispossession of Irish lands by Britain in the 16th and 17th centuries.
The Plantation of Ulster when large numbers of Scottish and English Protestant settlers were encouraged to move there, build towns and churches and were given the best lands.
25% of the population dead or displaced because of the famine
1 million people starved in a famine that the British government deliberately chose not to alleviate
1 million people displaced across the world in the same famine
The Irish war of independence in the early 20th century that saw many executed by the British state
Catholics discriminated against in relation to jobs and housing with blatant preference given to pro British Protestants.
Internment in the 1970s when thousands of people were locked up without trial
Groups of Irish people served lengthy prison sentences for offences they did not commit based on evidence fabricated by the police.
I could go on but the legacy of 500 years of British oppression does not disappear overnight. These tropes are still here today and ingrained in some people even if it is a bald tosser at a works do.
There's a reason why the Equality Act 2010 covers anti-Irish discrimination and prejudice. It's because it still exists.

@Fgfgfg well say 👍