Oldest friend caught out in a lie...

[PixiePromises]

I've known this friend over 40 years and we've been supportive of each other's ups and downs over the years.

I did some fundraising recently for a national charity very close to my heart following a family tragedy.

A small group of us were out last night. They were commenting on how much had been raised and she nodded along, saying she had put some money in. I queried this as I don't remember seeing her name. She told me it was an anonymous donation and I left it there.

The thing is if you opt to be anonymous on the fundraising platform, then your name is only hidden from the public. I set up the page and know exactly who all the donations are from and she definitely isn't one of them!

I do understand that not everyone wants to give money and of course that's their choice, but for this friend to deliberately lie about it has really hurt me.

Should I say something?

I have money and HATE the amount of gofund me things that people put on social media or send around.

I am generous to friends and family, but I rarely donate.

The reasons for this are many and complicated due to mental health (I can get very anxious around money)
I can totally understand why she said she had donated. I wouldn't do this now, but in previous years, I have felt the urge to lie (never have though)

As I have become more financially secure, the amount of people who feel entitled to give their opinions on how I should spend it or how generous I should be has increased. The hardest ones are friends.

Yeah because that's not obvious what she'd really be doing! 'YES 'FRIEND' GIVE ME YOUR MONEY OR WE'RE OVER!'

You are no kind of friend. Interrogating her about it in public, posting it on MN seeking support for further interrogation. Shame on you. Be grateful and graceful for the contributions you have recieved is support of your chosen charity. People like you are more likely to deter gifts than encourage giving. Think about how many people disagree with your perspective. You are in the wrong.

It was probably said out of embarrassment if everyone was discussing. I absolutley would not say anything and would leave it there - she has her reasons.

No. U have no idea what her finances are like.

I've got an active Just Giving page. There are a couple of anonymous donations, there's no way I can see who they're from. My penniless sister has sponsored me, but my wealthy brother hasn't. No matter, I love them both. Whether or not to donate is a private matter and not something I need to take personally.

This has really pissed me off. Maybe she’s skint, and to save her feeling more
embarrassed than she already does she told a white lie. How judgy are you please? I am almost 100% certain she supports you and is very sorry about your tragedy, but not everyone should be forced to respond on the issue the same way as you. This is exactly why i hate fundraisers. I will donate to funds I can afford to, and if I don’t- doesn’t mean I don’t care!!

As I have become more financially secure, the amount of people who feel entitled to give their opinions on how I should spend it or how generous I should be has increased. The hardest ones are friends

I have noticed this too! As soon as you manage to build up some savings (which may well have taken you years of saving carefully) people seem to think they have a right to be generous with your money. I inherited some money from my parents dying young and the amount of people who blatantly hinted I should give some to them or lend it to them to start some ill thought out business idea or give them stuff for free was unreal. Firstly, it wasnt like it was millions, secondly, if my parents had wanted their life savings to go to my acquaintances or colleagues/friends they would have left it to them in the first place and thirdly, I have two kids to send to college and no pension until now so that money is all I have to retire on in 20 years or so.

Personally I am sick and tired of endless Go Fund Me pages , running the London Marathon, raising money for this etc. I give to my own charities and yet friends will constantly resend the link ( only 1 week to go!). If you want to run 10k, it's your hobby and you seeking to justify it. I don't ask anyone to sponsor my Pilates classes yet one " friend " wanted sponsorship to climb Kilimangaro! That's called an adventure holiday.

That’s awful that you even checked. I detest chuggers - charity muggers. She might not have donated for any number of reasons, of which none are relevant

As someone who has raised a significant amount of money for a charity following the death of my baby son, nobody owes your fundraising a penny. Even your closest friends. I didn’t expect anyone to donate money, not even my parents, I was just exceptionally grateful to those who did.

You were extremely unreasonable to confront her about this in the first place.

You would be very firmly in CF territory to follow it up.

Im very sorry you’ve had something difficult happen to you but I do think your passion and concern for this cause is clouding your judgment and expectation of others.

wow. Your tone…

I am fortunate to not be poor, but still find that there is pressure to donate from all angles. It can add up. I get social media, WhatsApp and email requests for donation so frequently. As a result, I donate to anything my two children participate in through school (which adds up), a short list of causes that are chosen by our household and that’s it. I don’t think it’s fair for anyone to then question or challenge that.

i dont donate to everyone’s charity requests but will make a central donation to the charity if I have the funds

People forget. Or often live in debt even if they seem to have money. Don't press it.

I’d be miffed too. And she obviously realises the right thing to do would’ve been to make a donation hence her lie. If my closest friend was doing an event that asked for sponsorship, and I couldn’t afford to sponsor her, I would tell her exactly that. It doesn’t seem this is the situation here though.

I would maybe approach it along the lines of she thought it had gone through on the page but hadn’t, and see what she says. She did say in front of everyone that she had so 🤷🏻‍♀️

Why are you pressurising your friends into donating to your cause?
It is really rude to discuss who has donated and who has not. No wonder why your friend had to (white) lie, or maybe she did not even remember.
I think about 80% of my friends have raised money for a charity over the last year and then there are fundraisers through school and work. If I donated to every single one of them I would end up being the one in need!
My friends never discussed donations.I would be fuming.I sometimes donate I sometimes don't. It depends on how close the cause is to my heart, sort of charity, time of the year, monthly expenses, how much money I have already donated to others, etc.
Please, leave your friend alone.

Just because she’s ‘rich’ doesn’t mean you have the right to ask her about it, also this says more about you. Entitled much?

@PixiePromises is it Justgiving? If so there are two ways to donate anonymously - in one case you are anonymous on the page but can still tick to include an email address to allow the recipient to thank you. In the second, if you don’t tick to include the email address, not on the page and only the amount is visible in the list of donors and you can’t be identified by the recipient. Might this have happened?

Sorry but a lot Of this just giving crap really annoys me. If you care about the charity that much go out and make some money yourself and donate to the charity yourself. I have a friend who constantly asks everyone for money for charities and I've never actually known her put her hand in her own pocket to donate, she just gets the credit for other people giving the money.

you might think she is your richest friends but unless you have access to banks then you don’t actually know.

I live in a nice house, drive a nice car… could be seen as ‘rich’ but it’s all debt and that’s me keeping it real

It's supposed to be a 40 year friendship. 40 years. That's a long time.

When people show you who they are, believe them.

I think you’re being very unreasonable. She was put in a very difficult position as you were all talking about it. You just said it’s her choice yet you would have all judged her if she’d have said well actually I didn’t bother, or I don’t have enough money to donate at the moment.

it’s you that’s unreasonable here for putting her in a position where she felt so uncomfortable. Get down off your high horse.

Yabvu she's not obliged to donate no matter what she earns and right there is the reason she lied !!! Everyone else donated probably because they felt they had to as you're clearly a sensitive sally and she didn't so she lied about it .

No, she may have financial issues she doesn’t want others to know about.

I wouldn't. Friendship is a strange thing as soon a money is put in the equation it is put under extreme stress-if you want to stay friends , don't mention it. There could be lots of reasons why she didn't donate- I for example never give money to a charity i have researched and found that at least 80% of the money goes to the cause-very few charities qualify they spend on admin promotion and chuggers-none of which in my view should eat up more than 20% of my donation-it doesn't matter who has asked or what the cause is-that's my rule.