Oldest friend caught out in a lie...

[PixiePromises]

I've known this friend over 40 years and we've been supportive of each other's ups and downs over the years.

I did some fundraising recently for a national charity very close to my heart following a family tragedy.

A small group of us were out last night. They were commenting on how much had been raised and she nodded along, saying she had put some money in. I queried this as I don't remember seeing her name. She told me it was an anonymous donation and I left it there.

The thing is if you opt to be anonymous on the fundraising platform, then your name is only hidden from the public. I set up the page and know exactly who all the donations are from and she definitely isn't one of them!

I do understand that not everyone wants to give money and of course that's their choice, but for this friend to deliberately lie about it has really hurt me.

Should I say something?

I can’t stand it when people pressure other people into donating to charity!

i dont believe it was rude to question her in public - you had every reason to think she would have donated ... close friend, apparently financially able to donate and crucially she said that she had donated.

you queried it because you hadn't thanked her for her donation as you hadn't seen it... how were you to know your friend was a liar?

if she had said "i asked jim at work to do it as he has a gofundme account" you would have been able to thank her in person etc.

all it would have taken was for her to say "goodness me i keep forgetting - i will do it tomorrow" if she wanted to save face, and if she really didn't care she could "forget" again

THIS!
I wouldn’t know what to say and if you’d bothered to ask I’d fear the backlash of saying no.

Also why skim over people who are donating if they choose to do it anonymously.

I'm very fussy about who I donate to. I don't donate to big charities, to charities that have a poor record on animal testing etc. In general I only donate to 2 local hospices and the local YMCA which works with teenagers. I don't however spout this off to a bereaved fundraiser I am fond of. I too would nod along and keep the peace.

You are hurting and that's understandable but your friend has done nothing wrong and you would be wrong to blame her.

I think you were being unreasonable to query it with her as like others have said she may not have the money to spare.
also the whole point of donating anonymous is to be anonymous!!!!!

If I had a minted friend who lied about donatibg, I'd be inclined to call her out.

Giving or not is a personal choice. But to pretend to give when you haven't is signalling a virtue you haven't got. Call her out!

Well now you know why she has money for everything else.

Maybe she gave directly to the charity and not through the fund-raising platform

No. She may have good reason to not contribute and to gin about donating - leave it at that

No don’t say anything. She probably felt embarrassed, if the others said they donated, and she felt bad cause she hadn’t, so said she had to save face. Money might be tight for her at the moment, or there are various reasons why she didn’t contribute. Leave it be

Absolutely not. If she’s been your friend for forty years - you know her very well. There will have been a reason. Just forgive her in your heart and let it go. That’s what friends do.

Super unreasonable of you I’m afraid.

There’s a huge difference between a face saving white lie to get out of a socially awkward situation / spare your feelings and an actual lie.

you sound self involved and like a nightmare. Her wealth has nothing to do with this. Drop it or you’ll find yourself having torpedoed a 40 year friendship.

i really do get where the majority are coming from however I do get why you would want to say something. Curiosity killed the car and all that but I’d be thinking what else have you lied about. Maybe I’m a menopausal old mizog but it would eat away at me if that was my bestie. Your feelings are valid 🫶

I often give money to a fundraising page, sometimes complete strangers that I read about and feel that £5/£10 here to help someone who has cancer, a bereavement, etc may help. It could be she’s assumed she gave to your charity and hasn’t realised she didn’t. Let it go, I don’t think she would have done it on purpose or to spite you.

No.Is it really worth it ? You are long time friends. She knows the truth here and probably doesnt like it. Leave it be.

I wouldn't as I think she was maybe embarrassed as a group of you had been talking about the donations and she obviously doesn't have it to donate
As much as she's lied I wouldn't say its a bad lie. My ex friend was always telling big lies, like her daughter was on suicide watch when i found out she wasn't, like she had cervical cancer when she didn't , she also made up stories about work colleagues, we no longer talk

Are you serious? She may have been embarassed or meant to donate or just did not want too. She maybe felt on the spot no need to have a tantrum over it all. You got donations well done and leave it at that.

Your 2nd post was trying to justify your position after no one agreed with your first post. It actually was very revealing and made OP look even worse."She is my richest friend"
Says it all really. You consider yourself entitled to a donation because she is your "richest friend".

You seem scandalised that you "caught her out " in a lie. Really you should be asking yourself why you put your oldest friend in a position where she felt she had to tell a lie

Also, which donation platform fails to keep anonymity? Anonymity, if promised. should not be compromised- even to the person asking for donations.

You should never have said anything, she is supposed to be your friend. It’s up to her if she donates any money to a charity or not. Also a charity you care about might not align with her views.

Could someone else have donated for her/with her... my sister often asks me to do this for her.
I would just forget it, possibly she said to save face in public as others have said

You were really out of order questioning her. No one has to donate for any reason and it sounds like she felt under a bit of social pressure to say she had contributed. I'd have just let it go.

Not contributing to fundraising which is clearly very important to you and lying about it would make me wonder how good a friend she is.

It's possible that if it were a donation TO your family that you needed (eg fundraising for your DC's illness), she would donate without a moment's hesitation.

Whereas I don't know that I would donate to a charity simply because one of my close friends felt strongly about it.

1. I may not feel as strongly about the charity/the fact that my donation will have an impact (vs donating to my own causes

2. There are so many fundraiser things people around me hold. I feel like I'd only donate if it was a real effort from them (eg marathon or whatever) or if it was a cause I believed in, not just them asking for donations.

Why not? One of my best friends is very passionate about vegan causes and honestly I love meat... This is a real example! I think I would prob just pretend to donate too. Other friends have more niche causes which I'm very indifferent to

Falsely announcing you've donated money when no one asked deserves calling out. Telling a white lie when being grilled/shamed publicly on whether you've donated isn't the same at all.

It's not even about virtue signalling because I don't think she wants that virtue. To use the above example of my vegan friend's pet cause, I really don't care whether anyone thinks I support vegans. It's just to avoid confrontation and shaming eg "why do you hate vegans" (I don't?), "why do you hate animals" (actually I love animals 😋), "I thought we were friends" (OP's post), "you are rich and can afford it" (OP's post), etc.

Heck I might even make a guilt donation to make amends for the lie later on (whereas I previously just cbf about the cause basically)